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TITLE (EDIT)
Sex Life Of The Amoeba |
DESCRIPTION
A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little...
[1,108 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor |
AUTHOR
Xoggoth |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
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[March 2004] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25)
A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor]
A Wrong Turn Somewhere (Short Stories) Somewhere near Birmingham a driver takes a wrong turn and loses everything. [492 words] [Mystical]
Amnesty (Short Stories) A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong. [561 words] [Comedy]
Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor]
Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind]
Changing To Go Out (Short Stories) In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task. [444 words] [Humor]
God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor]
Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions (Short Stories) A struggling photographer finds a rich new source of business. [496 words] [Humor]
Providing For Sarah (Short Stories) A desolate man finds comfort in an imaginary (?) companion. But who will care for her when he's gone? [883 words] [Mind]
Soup (Short Stories) A soup manufacturer ends life on Earth. [514 words] [Comedy]
The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 2 - The Little Demon's Tale (Short Stories) A hell spawned satanic creature identifies too much with men and falls to their level. [901 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 3 - The Spider Catcher's Tale. (Short Stories) Archie escapes from the paralysing purple and find himself in a world where an avoidable infestation has eaten all the perspective. There he meets the spider catcher and learns why ballroom dancing i... [1,313 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words]
The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor]
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The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words]
The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor]
The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words]
The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony (Short Stories) Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance. [1,377 words]
The Two Bills (Short Stories) William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word. [777 words]
Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor]
Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
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Sex Life Of The Amoeba
Xoggoth
Alice the Amoeba had those urges again. It was reproduction time. And so she retired bashfully to her little hole in the dead spirogyra (1) cell and thought naughty division thoughts while palpating the gusset of her little pink nucleus. Uh, uh uh,uh uhhhhhhhhhhhh went Alice. Then Arnold and Anthea (2) lay back and had a smoke and got their breath back before oozing away.
Within an hour (3) of course Arnold and Anthea started to get those same unspeakable urges themselves. Arnold went back to the spirogyra cell that Alice had thoughtfully left him in her will (4). He got out his microscopic copy of Razzle and began looking at all the naughty pictures of single celled organisms. He stroked his pseudopodium. Some were posing with their contractile vacuoles (5) held open; some were even openly using their flagella (6). He was approaching his cytokinesis (7) aaaaahh!
Afterwards Algernon and Angela lay back and had a smoke and told each other it had been really great, probably their best division ever. Angela told Algernon his pseudopodium was one of the largest she had ever seen. Algernon told Angela she had a really great pair of pseudopodia (8). Vowing to keep in touch they oozed off into the pond.
And so it went on really, Algernon begat Aaron and Agatha, Aaron begat Arthur and Anastasia, Arthur begat Adam and Anita, Adam begat... (9) and so on down to the 1000th generation. Which took them well into teatime the next day (3).
Technical footnotes
1 That green slimy algae that you get in ponds. Especially ponds in chalky areas with plenty of sunshine and old lager cans.
2 All amoebas have christian names beginning with A. You are probably thinking this is just typically childish alliteration on my part but it is an established genetic fact. When amoebas split, the genomes are genetically identical to those of the parent amoeba except for a single strand of DNA that determines the amoeba's name. The first RNA fragment in this strand is fixed, hence the A. Similarly, Parameciums (10) have names beginning with P and Euglenas have names beginning with E. The fact that the scientific names and christian names begin with the same letters is a complete coincidence of course. It is very odd that this coincidence applies for all 6 million species but there you go. The rare Xenogium has quite a problem and scientists suspect this is why it is rare, the DNA division is slowed while the nucleus tries to come up with another unique name beginning with X. Most of them die of old age before they manage to reproduce.
3 This is a gross libel on amoebas. They are not nearly as promiscuous as that; the daughter cells are not ready for mitosis for another 24 hours. But my version sounds funnier.
4 Wills and legal contracts generally are defined by another DNA strand. This is consistent with the previous point that all DNA strands except name are identical. Obviously Arnold and Anthea had identical copies of the will; there would have been all sorts of legal complications otherwise. I do not know why Anthea was cut out of Alice's will. Science does not yet fully understand the emotional life of these primitive organisms.
5 For those of you who do not have O or even CGSE level biology, a contractile vacuole is a space within the cell of some single celled organisms that collects excess water and expels it periodically by contraction in order to maintain osmotic equilibrium. You can find similar dry scientific descriptions for various body parts of people. That does not alter the fact that these parts are VERY RUDE and casual examination of them and their functions is not done by nice people or nice micro-organisms whichever applies.
6 For the educationally challenged again (good grief, I bet some of you do not even have a DEGREE!) flagella are whip-like organelles used for locomotion by a class of protists known as the flaggellata. You may say, if these are organs of locomotion, that my approach, as usual, is just the sign of a prurient and dirty mind. Don't come the innocent with me sunshine, you know as well as I do, it's how you use these things that counts. You may be sure the subjects of such magazine pictures were not going for an innocent swim around the duckweed. Not with those leather masks on anyway.
7 Final cell division. Don't you know anything????? I really cannot be bothered to explain things even a child should know. Please refer to the definitive paper on this subject. "Cellular Mitosis in Eukaryotic Organisms" By Srulagna Chatterjee and Joseph Heinkel, Department of Biochemistry, Raisa Institute, CA, USA.
8 Well of course they both had pseudopodia, they are amoebas. What did you expect, human naughty bits? Maybe you are confused by the fact that one had a boy's name and one a girl's. This is just another facet of their genetic chemistry that science has not yet unravelled. It does not mean anything. My use of he or she in this learned treatise is just a convention.
9 I do apologise to any female readers for only following the male line but it would be very difficult to actually follow both lines. 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 etc. work it out for yourself. This post would go on from now until the apocalypse. Anyhow, if this approach was good enough for the bible (Genesis 25) it's certainly good enough for a humble atheist. If you have any complaints take it up with him upstairs.
10 I very much doubt you would know this one (good grief!) but the group protozoa is polyphyletic. That means it is not a well defined group of closely related creatures like birds or reptiles but just a rag bag of totally unrelated tiny things that the biologists could not be bothered to classify properly. Nowadays in fact, they just tend to lump them all with single celled algae and call them protists. Doesn't anyone even care about doing their job properly these days? Anyhow, to get to the point, paramecium is much more advanced than amoeba and can reproduce by conjugation in which two cells exchange nuclear material before splitting. Yes, it's practically proper rumpy pumpy as we know it! Paramecium are just visible to the naked eye but I hope this revelation will not cause you all to hang around your garden pond hoping to catch a glimpse of these goings on. Give the poor little creatures some privacy! I have a microscope myself. Fnaar fnaar. Saves me wasting petrol driving to the car park in the local woods.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Xoggoth |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
August 2003 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
3795
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