Storymania - Ego by Ramkumar Menon

Overview lang=EN-GB>

Of late, I’ve been spending a lot of time
observing people, especially their actions and speech, let alone even the way they
wrote mails.

Soon, I discovered that this observation
can play a critical role in shaping our social presence, honing our
communication skills and the way we get our ideas across; may it be verbal or
action based. (Lets say, personalized). This also proved as an opportunity to
understand one of the ever prevalent and important qualities of a man that
accompanied him right from the Eolithic Age – His ego.

Let me begin with an experience I had not
so long ago.

It was a fine Monday morning (For me, but
it wasn’t so for my friend), and the blues hadn’t still descended. I was at a
local park near my home, taking a morning walk (That’s pretty rare though!) and found my
friend on a bench sitting all alone. I walked up and sat next to him. His face
was not in the most amusing of state, and I was quick to realize it. As soon as
I sat down, he fired back at me.

”What the hell are you doing here?
Don’t you have anything else to do?”

I was a bit taken aback by the question.
For a moment, I felt like responding back in the same fashion. But I didn’t do
so and went closer to him.

“What’s the matter? You seem to be in
a very bad mood. Anything went wrong?” I asked.

I could see his face change all of a
sudden. The heat on his face was taken over by a sign of helplessness that
shadowed all the anger he had till a moment ago. He then went on to speak about
the fight he had at his home with his parents over a petty issue, and told me
that he was really upset about it.

I was happy. (Not that he had a fight at
his home… But that I was able to understand his emotions, and could change his
mood with a single question.)

Our speech can often hurt someone else’s
ego and pride. In most cases, it might be a fault on our part, and in rare
cases, the other person’s attitude itself might result in issues that never
should have occurred.

I will relate an interesting incident
that happened while I was in college.

The internal examination for ‘Network
Theory’ was scheduled to be held the next day. I was tense about it since my
preparation wasn’t worth the passing score.

Well, anyway, I was preparing myself for
it, and was going through the problems at the back of the chapters in the
textbook. It so happened that I was struggling with a particular problem for
over an hour or so. One of my
classmates was seated next to me, and seemed to be indulging in a final
revision.

“Excuse me”

“But would you mind explaining me how
I could solve this problem?” I asked him.

He took the textbook from me, and
observed it for a few minutes.

Getting no response, I put a question in
between.

“Any idea?”

This seemed to ignite him a bit and he
retorted.

“Wait wait. Would you please allow me
to think a bit before I get back to you?”

He shouted back at me.

I kept my quiet, and waited for his reply
yet again.

After a few minutes, he returned my book,
not even looking at my face.

He walked away from his seat, and I sat
stuck to my own, unable to comprehend what had actually happened.

After a few minutes, he returned with
another reference book in his hands and sat next to me.

“You know how to crack this one?”

, He asked
me, pointing to a problem that looked really sick. (Of course that entire book
looked sick)

“No idea”
was my reply after I made a futile attempt.

“Well then, first learn these things.
Then try intimidating others asking these kind of foolish questions.” lang=EN-GB> He replied.

I still laugh over the incident,
imagining how differently people take your words and how differently they could
react.

Hurting a person’s ego can possibly have
three kinds of reactions.

1) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Neutral

2) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Step back

3) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Retort

The first are the strong-hearted, and
those are the persons who just do not care about what people say. They are
stuck onto their principles, and believe in themselves. Incidentally,
this category is the one into which the least count of people fall into.

The second and third categories share the
awards for sharing the maximum headcount between them.

The diffident and the introverts fall
into the second category. They probably are not capable of coming up with an
instantaneous response, or maybe too scared to react.

But in many cases, the second category of
people fall into the third through the course of time.

The third are usually ones that do not
tolerate any (unjust) actions taken against them, and respond with a vehement
outcry against any opposition. In short, they retort strongly in
self-defence.

The obvious conclusion of the above
discussion speaks for itself. It is indeed the man’s auto response mechanism
for self-defence against the attacker that stimulates these reactions.

Ego and Criticism style="mso-spacerun:
yes">

!supportEmptyParas]>

We also find that there is a closely
bound relationship between criticism and Ego. That opens up an entirely new
discussion of the association between the two.
For the sake of brevity, I would like to jot down certain observations I
have made in this regard.

1) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Positive Criticism: In this
scenario, the purpose of the ‘criticiser’ is served only if the ‘criticiser’
tones his speech, chooses the right words to convey the message to the
recipient. It usually is a proactive
effort on the part of the criticiser, and usually is exercised if the criticiser
is not impacted as a result of the recipient’s actions.

2) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Negative Criticism: This phenomenon occurs when the criticiser might
actually be affected in a direct or indirect way as a result of the recipient,
and he tries to convey his displeasure in the form of negative criticism.

!supportEmptyParas]>

Nevertheless,
the ‘sign’ of the criticism depends, in a big way; on the way the recipient
takes it. If the recipient feels that the message he received was indeed useful
and made sense, it could be taken as the same. Otherwise, it just makes the
problem worse.

!supportEmptyParas]>

According to
Dale Carnegie, a popular author of books on human relationships and psychology,
Criticism is conveyed in its best if it were to be conveyed in stages or
phases.

!supportEmptyParas]>

Stage 1)
Encompassing circumspection of the problem in general.

Stage 2) Doing
a self-review of the same. Meanwhile,
make the recipient feel that the mistake wasn’t really an uncommon one, and it
could happen to anybody on this earth.

Stage 3) Making
the recipient realise that he had performed the mistake.

Stage 4)
Suggesting improvements for the same, so that the mistake wouldn’t repeat .

The suggestions
should be made keeping in mind the fact that the recipient style="mso-spacerun: yes"> should feel that the criticism are for his
own good.

!supportEmptyParas]>

Well, what does
this example say.

“ Even
‘criticism’ should be formulated with the other individual’s Ego kept strongly
in the mind.”

!supportEmptyParas]>

!supportEmptyParas]>

Another
note

!supportEmptyParas]>

Well, Ego does
a bit of a magic at the other end. Many of the topnotch technocrats and leading
figures in today’s world have come up in an effort to placate their ego.

Their ego drove
their motivation, and the sense of insecurity which hovered in their minds was
continuously satisfied through their consitent efforts and practice in search
of fame and perfection.

!supportEmptyParas]>

It is to be
noted that Ego relates itself with a couple of phenomena.

!supportEmptyParas]>

1) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Insecurity

2) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Survuval in Competition and pursuit of fame

The difference between the former and the latter are minimal, but I have
separated

them out because they usually have a very distinct and indiviual
existence. But one

could point out that the first one is a causal factor for the second.

Insecurity: Insecurity exists within the context of any entity-
Finance, Health,

Career… etc; in short any entity an individual is concerned about.

A strong feeling of deprivation,
insecurity results in a helluva lot of ego clashes and style="mso-spacerun: yes">

conflicts, which would degrade the situation, if the indivual is not careful
about his

inter personal communication.

Survival in Competition and pursuit of fame: style="mso-spacerun: yes"> Evidently, with these factors pop up

fundamental individual-centric issues like

1) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>How can I be different ,effective and efficient the same time ?

2) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>How to make the right moves first and fast ?

3) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>How to take Initiatives and be in control ?

4) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>How to get a sense of self
achievement and realise social and corporate visibility?

These do not seem to be issues if presented to an individual in a standalone
fashion.

But when these become individual goals in a corporate environment, with
limited

options, these may result in unhealthy competition and ego clashes that
result in a dip

in productivity of the individuals and the organization.

So what do you do ?

Here are a few tips I found helpful for making communication a bit
easier and

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> Effective , and reduce ego conflicts and
related issues while conversing.

1) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Your message should be communicated in such a fashion taking into
consideration the emotional state of ther other individual

2) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Be pleasant and speak with clarity and to the point.

3) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Encourage the other person to speak more, rather than you taking
over the reins all the times.

4) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Think before you speak. (Do not let out words for the sake of
letting them out.)

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> I recollect a saying I had read a few
days back

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> “The most precious possessions I have
are the words I havent spoken)

5) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Motivate the other person. This would boost his ego, and make you
much more dearer to him

6) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Make sure you do not give the other person the opportunity to use
you as a

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> platform for establishing his supremacy/
satisfy his ego for his personal gains.

7) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Be lavish in your praise and appreciation, but be sure to
distinguish them from a

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> ‘soft soap’. This would deteriorate the
trust of the other in you, and you would

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> become vulnerable at a later point of
time. In short , be sincere in your speech.

8) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>If you have an issue with a person, speak to him directly. Passing
around the

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> news about people would hit back at you.
So be on the alert !

9) style='font:7.0pt "Times New Roman"'> lang=EN-GB>Know your responsibilities. That’s more than enough. Maybe you could
push

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> youself to helping another person
complete his responsibilities. But the
wrong

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> way would be to make him realise that
he/she isn’t doing things well and giving

style="mso-spacerun: yes"> an hour long lecture on the same.

!supportEmptyParas]>

The opinions
expressed here are my own. If these would help you in any of your endevours,
that’s more than I can ask for.

!supportEmptyParas]>

style="mso-spacerun: yes">

!supportEmptyParas]>