Storymania - The Pajama Chronicles by Kelly Moran

The Pajama Chronicles
Kelly Moran

The Pajama Chronicles
A play by Kelly L. Moran

SETTING
The stage is Joan’s bedroom all of the action takes place in one night.

CHARACTERS
JOAN RANDALL-a high-powered television executive with a degree from NYU Film School in her mid-thirties who works for a cable station called Edge, which exclusively programs reality television series.
RYAN ACKERMAN- a twenty-something President of Network programming at Edge. He dropped out of UCLA after two semesters. His uncle is the General Manager of the station and hired Ryan.
GEORGE STEVENS- a very troubled man
ELLIOT MC DONNEL – a sensitive idealistic theater director
JEFF JOHNSON (FUGAR) – a bounty hunter
JONESY AND SOCKS –Joan’s cats

One man just talking off stage plays the male characters.

Curtain
At the curtain’s rise Joan sits in her bedroom. The bed is full of stuffed animal cats and the walls are covered in kitty posters. Her laptop, cell phone. and notes are on her desk.
The curtain rises. Joan is standing center stage.
JOAN
I just quit my job. I hated that crap job anyway. Joan Randall, Executive Producer at Edge TV. All reality shows all the time. Do Americans need that much reality TV or is Hollywood just lacking talent. Anyone with a video camera is celebrity. No need for talent. At Edge, we never hired writers or actors. Just real people in extremely unreal environments. Edge had no substance and very little style. Mindless entertainment for morons. It’s not brain surgery. It’s television. Bad television. Still working for Edge had awesome perks. A new Lexus every year, company retreats in the Cayman Islands, premiers and parties with Paris Hilton. Sure I stayed out until Viper Room closed. But I always made it into the office at 7am. Never missed a day of work. I was damn good too. In fact I was the visionary behind Edge. Fear Factor is a terrible rip off of my show Risk Takers. We put those couples in simulated natural disasters and added models to break up the couples. None of this eating disgusting food. No Joe Rogan as a host to explain the obvious. We had Sylvester Stallone a bona fide tough guy. When real people and real life was too boring, I got Star Power. I even convinced Martin Sheen to be in Celebrity Lock Down. Of course I had to use his sons Charlie Sheen and the other one from Mighty Ducks. What’s his name? Emilio Estevez. Maybe I’m better off without that job. At Edge I was a high priced whore being exploited by that stupid schmuck Ryan who was hired because of his uncle’s connections. At Edge I never created anything that had significance. What happened? I went to NYU Film School in the hopes of being like Steven Spielberg and ended up making a career making shitty reality shows.
Joan turns stage right. Voice offstage
RYAN
“Sobriety on the High Seas”, Joan what were you thinking? We can’t take a bunch of recovering alcoholics and give them rehab on a cruise ship. Where are these people going to come from-not AA or we’d never get another deal in this town again Besides, what are we going to call the boat, the SS Betty?
JOAN
SS Betty?
RYAN
As in Betty Ford. That’s another thing even the title sucks, “Sobriety on the High Seas” It sounds like that ride at Disneyland, you know the one with the pirates. Except on this ride there’s no Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Rum.
JOAN
How about Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Red Bull? This could work like the Richard Simmons cruise to lose thing. Everyone knows that fat people and drunks are funny. And Edge is just one big freak show anyway.
RYAN
Joan, be serious. If I green light this show we’d have Alcoholics Anonymous, MADD, Al-Anon. the ACLU and a ton of other special interest groups after us. Not to mention that we’d never get any advertisers. This is just too out there.
JOAN
Sure Ryan. But your shows aren’t out there. They were what cutting edge? “Date an Inmate” We hooked up two gay male convicts. You didn’t care when Chasity Bono and GLAAD protested the station then.
RYAN
Look Joan, I think you’re burnt out. Most of your ideas lately have been well, less than good; actually they’ve been horrible. And this latest thing has just gone to far even for reality TV. Furthermore we’d never make a profit from this show. Why don’t you take some time off and re-group? Go to the desert. Clear your head.
JOAN
Ryan I’m fine. Now I’ll just get back to work. But I don’t think you’re getting the concept of this sobriety cruise. Besides we can probably talk someone like Al Franken on board. Get it On Board. We’ll just tell Mr. Franken it’s political.
RYAN
The booze cruise show sucks Joan. Just admit it and come up with something else by tomorrow. We have that pitch meeting at 10 am.
JOAN
You wouldn’t see a good idea if it was in neon lights. I’m the creative force of EDGE. You’re just some lackey. But nepotism runs in the family. Your uncle Billy got you the job. but try running EDGE without me. I quit.
Joan move to her desk and picks up her cell phone and dials it.

JOAN
What do you mean I can’t get an appointment with my therapist Maggie Cromwell today? This is an emergency. My therapist has to be free. I’m having a major breakdown here. She has to be free. What? She took the day off to see Hall and Oates?
Joan hangs up the phone. Who does that sort of thing? I can’t believe her. If it was Dave Matthews, I could see but Hall and Oates! They’re just trying to cash in on Eighties nostalgia. What did they sing anyway? “Man-eater” What else? I’m not even sure if that was a Hall and Oates song or it was just on The Flashdance soundtrack. Anyway my crises are way more entertaining than some lame band from the eighties, who didn’t even release a memorable song. Oh wait they had Private eyes are watching you, they se your every move, Private eyes. Kind of catchy. What am I going to do now? I know. The cats will support me. Jonesy, Socks here kitties, come to mama. Oh God. I’m actually trying to tell my problems to the cats. They’re good listeners. That’s it I am the crazy cat lady. I thought you had to have three cats. I got Socks because so many people around me were getting married and having kids and I wasn’t up for that kind of commitment. But I thought a cat would be good company. Then Jonesy just showed up at my door one day and never left. Maybe Ryan’s right I am over the edge. I just need some time. And I’ll find my true artistic calling. I want to make important movies like Michael Moore and Fahrenheit 9/11. - No, I’m thinking of the other tubby dude. The one who made a film using his friends and his credit card to finance it? Clerks. I already ran up my credit cards at Neiman Marcus. Like I need another power suit. That’s what I should do now. Make a statement. Express myself. Make the next trendy film. Everybody is a scriptwriter in LA. I can do it.
Joan take out her laptop and waits for inspiration.
JOAN
I have nothing to say. The script isn’t going so well. My money is running out. Too many Prada bags and expensive shoes. I know I’ll apply for unemployment. Maybe I should change my clothes. Nevermind. I always wanted to live in my pajamas, now’s my chance. Besides I’ll still be better dressed than half of the people there. All right I’m going to the unemployment office in PJ’s. Hey it works for Hugh Hefner. And after all he’s an American Icon.
Joan walks stage right and looks through newspaper copies of want ads.
JOAN
Look at these jobs. Factory work in the Garment District, receptionist must type 60 words per minute, yeah right, here you go phone actress-that always means phone sex. I guess all kinds of sex require some degree of acting. Come on, like women really have orgasms all the time.
Voice Off Stage. Joan turns around visibly distracted.
GEORGE
Hey, are you looking for jobs?
JOAN
No, I’m just standing here for fun.
GEORGE
I’m George. George Stevens. You know, you’re really pretty. You kind of remind me of ex-girlfriend Jennifer.
JOAN
Thanks, I guess.
GEORGE
We dated for like five years. Jennifer was great. She was very sweet and pretty, and smart. I mean she still is. Jennifer didn’t die or anything. In fact I talk to her everyday.
JOAN
If this woman is that wonderful, why aren’t you still together?
GEORGE
Well everyone at work and my family and friends told me that I had to marry her or it wasn’t fair to date her. So I broke off.
JOAN
Are you stupid? Did Jennifer even want to get married?
GEORGE
I don’t know. Anyway do you want to out sometime? We could have coffee, dinner, drinks or whatever?
JOAN
I don’t think so.
GEORGE
Why not? Do you have a boyfriend or something?
JOAN
No, nothing like that. I’m just kind of going through a bad time right now.
GEORGE
Maybe I could show you a good time. Come on. One date. Just dinner. You have to eat don’t you? Please. Just say yes.

JOAN
Well all right I guess.
GEORGE
Great! What are you doing tonight?
JOAN
I have a thing, maybe tomorrow.
GEORGE
Ok. Tomorrow night 7:30 at Red Lobster. Be prompt. I hate to wait I’m always about 45 minutes early because I’m obsessive compulsive at least that’s what my psychiatrist calls it. I’m taking like five different medications right now.
JOAN
See you tomorrow George.
Joan moves to center stage.
JOAN
I can’t believe I agreed to have dinner that guy. What was I thinking? I know. I thought that an obsessive-compulsive man would always call me and show up on time to take out.
That was the worst date ever. And I know about bad dates. Just after the waiter brought our appetizers George said, “Did you know that I’m eligible for food stamps?’ I know I should have said, “you may be eligible for food stamps, but you’re not eligible to date me. But I was polite. I sat there for like two hours and heard all about how this guy couldn’t stand the pressure of working at Gas & Go. I heard all the details of his relationship with Jennifer. Talk about obsessive. Then he ends up telling that he has a drinking problem. Apparently, George isn’t familiar with the expression “TOO MUCH INFORMATION”. Honestly isn’t always the best policy. And of course I ended up paying for dinner. As I pulled my credit card out, George said, “You’re the type of woman for me, you can be my cash cow. CASH COW! Was that a crack about my weight? So maybe my pajamas aren’t flattering and I’m not one of those heroine chic skinny models. . In fact I hate skinny women. They shop at stores like the Gap. Who the hell fits into a size two or a size zero? I hear them complain about gaining weight. Maybe I did put on a few pounds and I should diet, but did you ever notice that the first three letter of the word diet spells out DIE. That’s because you starve and torture yourself with exercise. Anyway, I have an important goal, l to create something original. Well I’m moving on from EDGE now I’m doing legitimate theater. Maybe I’ll get some street cred and move on to indie flicks from the theater. .Joan moves stage left. Elliot, thank you for this chance. I haven’t performed live theater in years. And The Glass Menagerie has always been a favorite play. It’s a classic. This so exciting. I only have on e question, why did you cast me as Amanda? You know that I played Laura when I was sixteen at the Ithaca Community Playhouse.
Voice offstage
ELLIOT
Yes, Joan I heard all about your dazzling performance in farm country, but my dear, we’re in LA. There are plenty anemic-heroin chic blondes that are perfect to play the frail Laura.
JOAN
Oh Elliot, don’t tell me you went Hollywood.

ELLIOT
Not Exactly. Here’s our Laura now.
JOAN
A mime? That’s absurd not to mention creepy.
ELLIOT
It’s perfectly postmodern. Laura is so soft spoken. She has the fewest lines in the play.
JOAN
Mimes don’t talk, Elliot.
ELLIOT
I know that’s why this so fantastic. Our Laura will just mime herself in and out of a Glass box, creating the illusion of a Glass Menagerie.
JOAN
Elliot, that’s just stupid. Either the mime goes or I walk.
ELLIOT
Toodles, babe.
JOAN
But Elliot, think about our years of friendship. Sitting up late in my dorm room drinking purple passion and bitching about men. Come on, maybe we can work this out.
ELLIOT
Joan. I absolutely cannot work with someone who doesn’t respect my art or the theater. Bye Bye
JOAN
I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT RESPECT ART OR THE THEATER. That’s a bunch of crap. I never heard of anything so pretentious in my life. Actually I have. I think it was Elliot that said masturbation is the ultimate self-expression or something. But that was in college. For Pete’s Sake! Elliot is a grown up now and he’s still working with clowns literally or mimes whatever. It’s just weird. Maybe I was better off at EDGE. At least there I had no illusions about revolutionizing theater, film or (banish the thought) television. There has to be some kind of middle ground here. It can’t all be so-called reality TV or just bad performance art. Why would he ruin an American classic like The Glass Menagerie? Tennessee Williams must be rolling over in his grave. I could almost see if he made Amanda a drag queen but to make Laura a mime. That’s just wrong and bizarre. If Elliot’s out there destroying American theater, I can surely write a half way decent film.
Joan moves to her laptop and stares at the screen.
JOAN
Maybe something about how the clothes make the, man or woman Dress for Success and all that. May that’s why I ‘m not successful. I live in my pajamas. Well they say write what you know. I write a semi autobiographical script. The main character will be a 30 something woman going through life in her pjs. Kind of like Bridget Jones, but original. Maybe call it the Pajama Chronicles. Good Title. That idea sucks. Oh hell. I don’t know what to write. Maybe I’ll just go to Murphy’s Pub for a bit
Joan moves stage left, Voice offstage.
JEFF
Can I buy you a drink?

JOAN
Sure. Why not?
JEFF
What are you drinking?
JOAN
A Cosmo.
JEFF
What’s your name?
JOAN
Joan, you?
JEFF
Some people call me Jeff Johnson.
JOAN
What’s that supposed to mean? Is your name Jeff Johnson or not?
JEFF
I told you some people call me that.
JOAN
Whatever. So what do you do for a living?
JEFF
I’m a bounty hunter.
JOAN
How fascinating? So is it dangerous, exciting.
JEFF
Usually I just spy on people who are cheating on their spouses. Then I report back to the agency and the evidence is used in alimony cases and stuff.
JOAN
Really, so what exactly do you do hang out outside of peoples houses, take pictures and stuff?
JEFF
Basically. That’s how I found out that my third wife was cheating on me I busted her. True my job keeps me on the road a lot and I guess she got lonely but still. His cell phone rings. I have to leave and finish up a job. It was nice meeting you. Bye. Unless you want to come along?
JOAN
Sure. What the hell?
Joan moves center stage.
JOAN
What the hell was I thinking leaving the bar with that guy? I know I thought it would be an adventure, maybe something to write about. I was so wrong. We just drove to a secluded place in the Hollywood Hills and he expected me to have sex with him. I’ll bet he uses that “finish up a job” line on every woman he meets. He probably isn’t really a bounty hunter anyway. I’ll bet he lives in his car and just thinks he’s a bounty hunter. I mean the guy keeps all of his clothes in his car. I feel more sorry for his ex wives for being with a loser like him. And his name isn’t even Jeff Johnson. It’s Jeff Fug art. Well, no wonder why he uses an alias. What’s wrong with me? I can’t write. I can’t meet a decent guy. I’m just a failure.
The phone rings and Joan moves to her desk to answer it.
JOAN
Ok. Ryan, I’ll see you tomorrow morning at 10 o’clock. Of course I’ll have a marvelous pitch by then. Don’t worry. I’m sorry too...
Joan hangs up.
JOAN
I’m so relieved. I can’t survive in the real world. Give me reality TV any day. I absolutely have to come up with the perfect pitch. What about a home improvement show with an attitude. Maybe couples compete to fix a condemned house. But everything is rigged to break. I just need a host. I wonder if Tim Allen is available.
The phone rings and Joan answers.
JOAN
What’s up Ryan?
Voice offstage
RYAN
You see Joan. This isn’t easy for me to admit, but we made a big mistake by passing on your show. It’s turns out that the network president and exec love the idea, Gavin Macleod will host. You know Captain Stubbing from The Love Boat agreed to host this cruise. But they still hate the title. Sobriety on the High Seas isn’t written in stone, is it?
JOAN
What about the lack of advertisers?
RYAN
That’s the best part. Coors Brewing Company wants to sponsor the whole show and use it as part of their “Drink Responsibly” public service campaign. So what do you say are you on board? Pardon the pun.
JOAN
Of course. What if we change the title to Alcoholics of the Caribbean? Like at Disney world, Pirates of the Caribbean. Maybe not.
RYAN
I’m sure between the two of us we’ll have a title by tomorrow. See you then’
Joan hangs up the phone
JOAN
Yes! I’m back. Maybe something like nautical rehab or the 12-step ship. I’ll sleep on it.