Doctors Rx Us (1)
ACT ONE A WALK-IN CLINIC WAITING ROOM. DALE (30-40’s) and ELLEN (20-40’s) enter. Dale is dressed in a suit. He is holding the door for Ellen, whose right arm is heavily bandaged in a cast from the fingertips to above her elbow. She is haggard and wearing blue jeans and a flannel shirt with long stringy hair. In very bad shape but very animated. ELLEN Oh, Please. Let me go first. I really need help! Oh, you’re just a salesman. Got any free samples, there? I need some drugs bad. (Calling over the counter) HELLO! I need some painkillers bad. (to Dale) What do you sell? Dale signs in and sits down. DALE Advertising. ELLEN Don’t need any of that. I need drugs. I left the rest of my scrips in the car with my husband, but I’m out of painkillers. Hope nothing happens to ‘em. Last time the dog ate a whole bottle of Zanax and he OD’d. It was like 23 pills or something like that. Had to have his stomach pumped. Ever see ‘em pump the stomach on a Bull Mastiff? That’s what we got, a Bull Mastiff. You know what those are? DALE I’m no... ELLEN They’re huge dogs with fangs like that. They live in the bush in Africa and they use them for hunting. A Bull Mastiff can take down a lion. DALE Really? ELLEN Oh, yeah! They’re nothing but muscle. They get up to 250 pounds. Ours is just a small one. He weighs 180. So when he overdosed we had to drag him by his collar to the vet. Drag him from the car anyway. How do you pick up a 180 pound dog? But we got him there, inside and they worked on him right there on the floor and he just got up like nothing happened. Happy and healthy. No problem. You know 23 Zanax could kill just about anything, but not that dog. DALE Did he bite you? ELLEN No. He’s a sweetheart. But he did do this to me. See, he pulled my wrist away from the bone and ripped some arteries and at the same time it pulled my elbow apart. You know how there’s a socket there? It came right out of there. And because he separated the bones in my arm all the bones and the cartilage turned into like sand or sawdust like, you know that consistency? And so, now the worst case scenario is that I’m going to lose these two fingers, best case is I might get to be able to write again. But it was my fault really, he didn’t mean to do it. You know how when you’re walking a high-strung animal...do you have any pets? DALE Cats. ELLEN All they do is scratch. Well, anyway, you know how you’re not supposed to wrap the leash around your wrist, just in case the dog takes off? Well, stupid me, I wasn’t thinking and I was trying to get the key in the door at the apartment while I have the leash wrapped around my wrist. I’ve got a bag full of groceries and this squirrel comes right under my feet and jumps off the porch and the dog just goes right after it. And that’s why you’re not supposed to chain yourself to a dog that’s bigger than you are. He pulled me into the banister and he’s hanging off the edge of the porch just like strangling in his leash and my arm is wedged in the banister, but look at me, I’m small. I’m 110 pounds! I could feel my arm just stretching and I could hear it rip, and the dogs collar just won’t break, it’s a really good one. So he’s swinging off the porch like a foot above the ground and just pulling me through the railing. And I was in so much pain, I couldn’t even scream, I was like frozen, like horrified. And I could hear the dog strangling. So luckily the porch is like this old rotted out wood and it was just a second and the railing just broke and I fell through and landed on the dog. So now I just need some more painkillers. (Calling behind counter) Is anybody back there? Nurse KELLY (30’s) arrives at the counter. KELLY Hi Ellen. How are you feeling today? ELLEN Oh, I am just dying! I need another scrip. This thing is killing me. You don’t have a shot or something I could get do you? KELLY No, sorry, hon. But what do you want? The same thing you got last time? ELLEN Yeah, they work. As soon as you can. Fred’s waiting out in the car with the dog. KELLY He knows not to bring the dog in here again, right? ELLEN Yeah he knows. Trust me. If I had any money I’d sue myself. DR. JAMES (30-40’s) appears behind the counter and engages in quiet conversation with Ellen. KELLY (reading from clipboard) Dale Fout? DALE Here. KELLY Okay, come over here. Have you been here before Dale? He walks to counter slowly. DALE No. KELLY And what are you here to see the doctor about? DALE Well, it’s...uh...I...can I just talk to the doctor about it. KELLY Sure. As soon as you tell me what it is. DALE I don’t want to talk to a nurse about it. I want to talk to a doctor. KELLY Do you have a family physician? DALE No. KELLY Then I guess you’re going to have to tell me what you need to see our doctor about because it’s my job to find out if you really need a doctor if you don’t already have one. We can’t be wasting the doctor’s time. He is very busy. He may have an operation to get to or a golf tournament that you could be delaying him from. So what is your problem? DALE (whispering) I have...an itch. KELLY What kind of an itch? DALE What kind? KELLY Yeah, what kind? Is it tingly and rashy or does it feel kind of fuzzy and just under the skin? DALE I don’t know. It’s - KELLY Dry and chapped? DALE Yeah, I guess. KELLY Are you bleeding? DALE NO! KELLY Have you tried applying anything to the rash, such as creams or ointments? DALE Just ice. KELLY So it’s a burning sensation? DALE YES! KELLY Is this rash in your pants? DALE (Embarrassed) Yes. KELLY Do you wear underwear? DALE YES! KELLY Do you wear clean underwear? DALE Yes! KELLY Sounds like jock itch. DALE Can I just please see a doctor? KELLY Okay! Just have a seat. Someone will be right with you. Dale sits. Kelly goes to talk with Dr. James. Ellen starts to leave. ELLEN Thanks, Dr. James. Thank you so much. Well, I guess I’m just going to have to take it easy. She is walking to door, leans on it, opening part way. ELLEN If Goliath didn’t tear down the fence we could keep him in the yard. But I sure hope I don’t lose these fingers, sure would hate to lose them. Fred takes him for walks now. Car horn blows. ELLEN (out door) SHUT UP! I’M TALKING WITH PEOPLE! (back inside) He is such a moron. Well the dog is still standing, so I guess he’s not high on anything. Will this scrip last until my next surgery then? DR. JAMES It should. ELLEN Good. I can’t take the pain. It just pulses all the time. (Looks out door) FRED! Don’t let him stick his head out the window! He’s chewing on the side view mirror! Hey I gotta go! See y’all. Thanks for the meds. Hey, man! Good luck with your jock itch! Dr. James exits behind counter. Ellen exits. A moment after the door hinge closes all the way, Nurse SHERI (40’s) rises straight up from behind the counter. Kelly does not react to this unusual behavior, she is writing on a chart. SHERI looks toward the glass door. SHERI Is she gone? KELLY Yes, she’s gone. SHERI God! If I have to hear that story one more time about how she fell through the railing... Enter Nurse NANCY (50’s), who comes in through the front door. She is cheerful and bright, always. NANCY Good Morning! SHERI Hey beautiful, let’s see those nails. Nancy strikes a pose. NANCY I am just the sexiest! SHERI Yes, you are. Oh! They put little sparkle on the ends! That’s so pretty. Enter CHUCK (50’s+), a decrepit fellow who looks dirty. He walks right up to the counter to sign in. SHERI Hi Chuck. How are you feeling? CHUCK Same old. Same old. I think I might die soon. SHERI Well, don’t do it here. Have a seat, we’ll be right with you. Chuck sits down right next to Dale, despite the fact that there are at least ten other empty chairs in the waiting room. Nancy goes into the office door on the left and then appears behind the counter. So now all the Nurses are behind the counter. Dale is obviously disturbed that Chuck has sat down next to him. He calls out. DALE Maam! He gets Nancy’s attention, she smiles. The other nurses are looking at paperwork. DALE I’ve been waiting... NANCY Of course you have dear. You’re in a waiting room. CHUCK What’s your problem? SHERI Is he here to sell me something? KELLY No. He’s got jock itch. SHERI Oh, okay. Sheri looks back at charts with Kelly CHUCK Jock itch, huh? Hell, I thought everybody had jock itch. Where do you live? Dale bolts out of his chair to the counter. DALE I want to see the doctor right now! Dr. James suddenly appears at the door and calls out. DR. JAMES Dale Foot? DALE Fout. F-o-u-t. Fout, like f-out. DR. JAMES Right this way. He leads Dale into the office. Enter DAVID HAYES (20’s-30’s), the advertising salesman. He walks into the front door and strolls right up to the counter. DAVID Sheri! I got ya! SHERI Is it time already? DAVID Yes it is. I really need you to re-sign with me today. SHERI Dave, I don’t think that billboard works. DAVID Well, of course it works. 20,000 people drive by here every day! It has to work. SHERI Well, I’m not paying another $2000 a month, I’ll tell you that! DAVID Of course not Sheri, don’t be ridiculous. It’s not $2000 anymore. SHERI It’s not? DAVID No. SHERI It’s more isn’t it? DAVID Not much more. SHERI How much? DAVID Just a little. SHERI Much and little are two different terms, pick one. DAVID It’s not much little more. SHERI Give me a number. DAVID 400 bucks. SHERI $2400? Forget it. DAVID Sheri, you know that billboard works. Look, it’s bringing them in here in droves. SHERI I’ve been in this plaza longer than any other business. And we all did fine before you guys built that stupid billboard. DAVID We put up the billboard so people would remember you’re here instead of driving down the street to the walk-in clinic in front of the mall, where there’s a lot more parking. SHERI How come the nail salon and the pharmacy don’t buy the other side? It’s empty. Except for saying “advertise here” for the last six months, you should be giving me the other side for free until you sell it. Not to yourself! I’ve been paying for that billboard for two years now, when am I getting a price break? DAVID It’s a $5000 a month billboard. You’re getting it for less than half of that. SHERI Because nobody else will give you 5000 bucks. DAVID Sheri, look, I just need you to re-up today, for one month, that’s it. I’ll tell you why. SHERI Go ahead. Amuse me. DAVID My regional manager is here and he is going to ride with me later today. He’s doing an audit on me, because, sales are...not good. So I need somebody to re-up. You’ve been my customer for two years. I am counting on you. I need you to do this. I’ll rip up the contract tomorrow, if you want, but I really need you to re-up. Today. Okay? Pretty please? SHERI I won’t have to sign for another year, will I? DAVID NO! (beat) Six months. SHERI WHAT! DAVID Three months. Okay, one month, but I need Mr. Cooper to witness me getting a deal. So can we do it this afternoon. About Five O’Clock? SHERI Fine. You’ll be right on time for the birthday party. DAVID Whose birthday is it? SHERI Doctor Morton. He turns 80 today. DAVID Doc Morton is 80! My God! SHERI And still going strong. Lights dim on waiting room and counter. Lights rise on examination room, which is revealed by screen behind the wall stage left. DR. MORTON (80) walks in with a chart. Dale is sitting on the exam table. DR. MORTON So, you’re the young man with the foot. DALE Fout, sir. DR. MORTON Fout? I’ve never heard of that. Is that like gout. DALE Yes, sir. Like gout with an F. Fout. DR. MORTON Who’s your family physician? DALE I don’t have one. DR. MORTON Have you traveled out of the country recently? DALE No, sir. DR. MORTON Then how did you get this FOUT? DALE It’s the name I was born with sir. Looks at chart. DR. MORTON I thought your name was Dale. DALE It is, sir. Dale Fout. DR. MORTON Alright, fine. Take off your shoes. DALE Yes, sir. Dale takes off his shoes and starts dropping his pants. DR. MORTON Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell are you doing? We just need to see the foot, not the whole anatomy, son. DALE Why do you need to see my foot? DR. MORTON Isn’t it broken? DALE No. DR. MORTON Then why are you here? DALE I have a rash. DR. MORTON Are you the guy with the jock itch? DALE I don’t know. I need you to look. DR. MORTON I don’t want to look down there! Keep your pants on! The last thing I need to see is another rotten crotch! Dr. Morton reaches into cabinets and brings out a tube of ointment. DR. MORTON Here. Put this on it. If the itching doesn’t go away in a couple hours, you may need surgery. DALE Surgery? DR. MORTON I’m kidding. DALE How should I apply it? DR. MORTON By yourself. DALE I’d feel better if you would at least take a look. To make sure it’s not something else. DR. MORTON Okay, fine. Undo your pants. What else do you think it might be? Dale unzips and lowers his pants to his knees. Dr. Morton looks at his thighs and sneers. DALE I don’t know. Poison ivy? DR. MORTON Have you been rubbing poison ivy on your legs? DALE No. DR. MORTON Then you’ve got jock itch. Pull up your pants. He writes on a chart and hands gives Dale a slip of paper. DR. MORTON Give this to the nurse on the way out. And next time you intend to pay us a brief visit, please ask for Dr. James. Light dim on exam room, back to waiting room and counter. David is standing at the door, about to go out. DAVID I’ll see you later, Sheri, thanks. Thanks a whole bunch. SHERI Okay, just remember who your friends are. DAVID I will. SHERI And try that new bakery I told you about. It’s just two doors down. That’s where we’re getting the cake. They have really good coffee, and cannollis too. DAVID Ooooh, cannollis! That sounds good. I’ll see you this afternoon. David exits. Nancy looks at the sign-in sheet and calls out to Chuck. NANCY Chuck. Come over here, dear. Chuck waves and staggers over. NANCY What seems to be the trouble dear? CHUCK I haven’t pooped in three days. I’m all damn bound up. NANCY What have you been eating? CHUCK Beans. Mostly. And tuna. NANCY Do you want an enema? Nurse Kelly perks up from what she’s doing behind the counter and starts to listen closely. CHUCK Christ, no! Not again. Not if I can avoid it. NANCY All right, dear. Sit back down. We’ll have the doctor look at you and he can prescribe something. Chuck sits. KELLY (whispering) Does he need an enema? NANCY We’ll find out after the doctor looks at him. KELLY Because if he does, I can do it. NANCY Have you done enemas before? KELLY (ecstatic) Yes! Lots of times. I’m really good at it. NANCY Alright. Well, if he needs an enema...you can...do it. If you want. KELLY Oh, I do! NANCY Alright, dear. Dale enters the waiting room again and stands at the counter. KELLY (super cheerful) How are you feeling? Better? DALE Better? I suppose. KELLY Got some cream, there? DALE Yes, maam. KELLY Good. You should feel real good in a while. DALE (confused) Am I supposed to pay you? Kelly snatches the paper from Dale and looks at it. KELLY Cash, check or charge? DALE Charge. Kelly takes his credit card and swipes it with gusto and flair. KELLY Hey, it went through! DALE Of course it did. There’s nothing wrong with my credit. KELLY (hushed) Not yet. DALE That’s a really nice billboard you’ve got out there. SHERI What? DALE I said, that’s a nice billboard you have. It must really bring in a lot of business. SHERI Maybe. Why do you mention it? DALE No reason. I just thought you might like to know why I decided to stop here. SHERI Who are you... KELLY Jock itch. SHERI And you came in because of the billboard. KELLY He came in because he was itchy! SHERI Shush! DALE I came in because I needed to and your billboard gave good directions. I thought you should know that it works. Since I am in advertising myself. Enter SOPHIA (30’s), the nail technician from down the walk. She is carrying a purse and interrupts. SOPHIA Sheri! Nancy left her purse. Nancy enters. NANCY My purse! Oh my goodness. Thank you Sophia! Thank you! SHERI Wait a minute! She’s got sparkles, but what have you got? Stars? Dale realizes he is being ignored and he exits the building. Sheri and Kelly crowd in to see Sophia fingernails. SOPHIA It’s the American Flag. See? Stars on this hand and stripes on this one. SHERI Oh, that’s beautiful. I want those! Can you do those for me? SOPHIA Sure no problem. SHERI Hey, where did that guy go? KELLY Jock-itch? He left. SHERI Did he pay? KELLY Yup! Enter two more people who are not together. A MAN WITH CAST (50’s+) on his foot. He is bearded and shabby, and VICTORIA (30’s) sexy, dressed slutty. The Man with Cast sits down with a clipboard and starts writing. Nancy responds to Victoria. NANCY Victoria? What are you here for? VICTORIA An adjustment. From Doctor James. Dr. James bolts out through the hallway. DR. JAMES Victoria? Victoria stands and rushes to him. It is obvious that they are familiar with each other. They talk close. VICTORIA Doctor James. My back is out, can you fix it? DR. JAMES I can. VICTORIA Can you do me right now? DR. JAMES Of course. As is my duty, I won’t let you remain in pain a second longer. MAN WITH CAST (fast and not understandable) Dokter! Mah foot iz drizn me nus. So itchy! Ah kint take it! Needs a shot ir sumtin. DR. JAMES (not understanding) Okay. Sure, in a minute. Dr. James grabs Victoria by the wrist and rushes her into the back. A WOMAN (30’s) with TWO BOYS (8 and 12) walk in, sign in and sit down. She steps up to the counter and starts writing on a clipboard. SHERI They’re just here for boosters? WOMAN Yes, maam. Do you have a bathroom? SHERI Sure, just come around. Woman ushers her children through doorway. Ellen walks back in. She joins everybody at the counter, shoving her way in with her broken arm. ELLEN What are you looking at? SHERI Oh, hello, Ellen. KELLY Nails. ELLEN Nails for what? KELLY FINGER-nails. ELLEN You’re lucky you have fingernails. I might not even have fingers in a while. Ellen goes to sit down, but remains standing. Sheri walks out from behind the counter into the lobby. SHERI Is something wrong, Ellen? ELLEN Well, my arm is about to fall off if that’s what you mean. SHERI Do you need to see the doctor again? ELLEN No. I’m just waiting for Fred. He drove someplace while I was next door in the pharmacy. He said he was going to be right back. I just want to wait in here because you have air conditioning. At least I got that scrip filled. SHERI Did you take a pill? ELLEN I took a pill all right. I took four. I’m not going to feel anything in a while. HA-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! SHERI Okay. Just have a seat. Stay off your feet. ELLEN Do you know what it’s like to wait in that pharmacy? Those people are so slow! It’s like watching butter melt. Sheri sits her down next to the Man with Cast. SHERI Okay. Well. I’ve got some things to do so I’ll see you later. ELLEN Did you see those tooth whitening strips they have? You might like those. SHERI Ellen. I’m going in back now. I won’t be able to hear you. ELLEN It’s really amazing. It’s like if your teeth are yellow, like yours, they can turn white. SHERI Ellen. Stop. Decease. No more. Don’t need to know. End of conversation. As Ellen speaks, Sheri walks away into the back. Ellen just keeps talking as if Sheri is still standing there. ELLEN You know they have those herbal supplements too. You might like those. You can be more aware of your surroundings. Light change to highlight examination room. Victoria and Dr. James are making out on the bed. They speak as if they are mimicking a soap opera, because they both enjoy the role play. Her naked back is to the audience and we see his hands caressing her torso. Her hands are up around his neck. Lighting is a bit dimmer than when we saw Dale and Dr. Morton.
Copyright © 2007 Mike Rembis |