Tales From The Outer-Boroughs (1)
William Seebring

 



TALES  FROM  THE  OUTER BOROUGHS



four one-acts by Wm. Seebring


“DAS WOLFKIN”

“STERNUTOLOGY, an exposé”

“THE ORIGINAL LAST WISH BABY”

“THE LAST OREO PLAY”










Contact: Douglas Michael
P.O. Box 986
New York, NY 10024
(212) 873-4614
(917) 513-7935
fishbein@juno.com











DAS WOLFKIN



THE CAST



Herr FRANZ Shtupolitz...good natured if a little dim.

His wife, Frau MELLON...gradually loses touch.

Their two kids; GEORG & MITTLE...speak and move in unison.

Their grandmother, GRAMGRUM...wise, skeptical, crotchety.

The GOVERNESK...clever, scheming.

Das WOLFKIN...charming, crafty and likes to eat children.



THE SETTINGS - PROPS - ETC



The predominant set is the single room interior of the Shtupolitz's Grimm-fairy tale-like 
cabin.  There is also an exterior setting that simply gives some sense of an ominous deep-
woods that surround the cabin.

Costumes and props might work best if exaggerated in size and appearance — perhaps the 
more cartoony the better.



The gutting of the WOLFKIN at the end should work if the bed is constructed in such a 
way that it opens from above and the headboard opens out onto the back stage and/or the 
stage is elevated and the bed is accessible from below.



THE LANGUAGE



The language of this play is very much like German — crisp and guttural with rolling "r's" 
and hard "g's."  However, for actors familiar with the German language, it's best to 
remember that the wording used here is phonetically and spelled for English 
pronunciation.  



For example, the word "Die" (used here to mean the first person singular "I"), would 
rhyme with Lie or Rye rather than the proper German pronunciation of the word "Die" 
which would rhyme with Key.  Then again, there are those very familiar German words 
and phrases such as "Herr mein fuhrer" whose pronunciation we all know.  Anyway, the 
key for the audience to comprehend will be consistency.

 
 


"DAS WOLFKIN"



A full moon GLOWS over a dark stage.  Crickets CHIRP then cease when a 
dark figure appears, crosses the stage, stops and HOWLS.



The LIGHTING changes such that we are inside the Shtupolitz cabin where 
we find; three beds, a baby's cradle and a wheel-chair all jammed together.  
All are occupied and all the occupants are happily SNORING.  From 
offstage, a wolf HOWLS.  FRANZ Shtupolitz bolts awake.



FRANZ

Eesh!  Das Wolfkin!



MELLON

		(stirring, she mutters)

Franz, erlachen der frikten-shpill...



FRANZ

Bund Mellon, harken; da kry of — das Wolfkin.



MELLON

Das Wolfkin?  Nein, Franz, der es nein Wolfkin.  Dat vas mitly-gas, or, une drivel-malt.  
Klock der glazens und rekindle der shleeple...



Mellon goes back to sleep.  Franz lays back.



FRANZ

Ya, der vas nein Wolfkin.  Dat vas une drivel-malt.  Ya, une drivel-malt...



Franz returns to sleep.  The door to the cabin CREAKS open and the figure 
of the wolf sneaks toward the baby's cradle.  The baby COOS.  
BLACKOUT.



LIGHTS up in the Shtupolitz cabin as an alarm clock CLATTERS.  The 
GOVERNESK jumps from her bed, grabs her stick and WHACKS the 
clock.



GOVERNESK

Mute, clatterbox!  Mute!



		She turns and whacks at the bed of GEORG and MITTLE.





GOVERNESK

Vaken, mein shtarts!  Vaken grummlinks!  Vaken!  Vaken!



GEORG   MITTLE

Shtop it!  Ve arr aw-vakened!  Shtop it!  Shtop it!



The Governesk then whacks at Franz and Mellon's bed.



GOVERNESK

Vaken, Herr Shtupolitz und Frau Mellon!  Vaken!



	She snaps to attention.  Franz and Mellon sit up and stretch.



FRANZ

Ah, good-morgin, Mellon.



MELLON

Good-morgin, Franz.



The Governesk clicks her heels and stands erect and rigid.  Franz regards 
her.



FRANZ

Slacken, frau--und greet der new debit.

GOVERNESK

Ya-vol, Herr mein fuhrer.

		(saluting)

Hail der new debit.



FRANZ

Nein, nein. Slacken, und fill der thumper vit feezle-links ov joydle-zang!



GOVERNESK

Herr Shtupolitz.  Die um der new Governesk ov dis famlink, und dat means Die have bund 
von duty, une dat duty ez-to distill order und discipline in dis abode!



FRANZ

Ya...shore den, Frau.  Go und resumen vit der duties.



The Governesk turns to GRAMGRUM who is awake in her wheelchair and 
shoving her dentures into place.  She regards the Governesk warily.



GRAMGRUM

Clockens off, Frau Governesk, Die um aw-vaken.

GOVERNESK

Nein, elder hagen!  It es mein duty!



The Governesk grabs GramGrum's wheelchair, and rocks it violently.



GOVERNESK

Vaken elder-hagen! Vaken or Die vill dish you from your chaiselwagon!



GRAMGRUM

Shtoop-link!  Dice niegen-non-mish mein vocals?!  Ich ein aw-vaken!  Gig yorn clockens 
off mein person, yonk frauk-shitz!

GRAMGRUM

		(turning to Franz)

Franz!  Vhy did you employ dat...dat...ummergautten!!?



FRANZ

		(perhaps too harsh a word)

Ummergautten?  Frau Governesk es nein ummergautten.  Bund, Frau es orderly und stern 
vit der Grummlinks, ya?  



GRAMGRUM

Vit der Grummlinks, ya!  Bund, Frau es stern vit mein shtate too!



GOVERNESK

SHRIEKEN-DEE-ZOIT!!



FRANZ

Vhat!?



GOVERNESK

Dabble!  Der winkly is, va-moosk!



ALL (but Governesk)

Va-Moosk!



Franz and the others quickly climb out of their beds and join the Governesk 
at the cradle.  Mellon rips through the baby's bedding but finds nothing.



MELLON

Vhere es mein winkly?  Die vant mein winkly, Dabble!



GOVERNESK

Mein Frau!  Der...der winkly must be in dis abode.



MELLON

Den ulpen der glazens und gawk!  Gawk!  Gawk! 



The Governesk whacks her stick while Franz scours and the others all call 
for Dabble.   Georg and Mittle look out the window and do a double take. 



GEORG   MITTLE

Eeeeek!  Papa!



FRANZ

Ya, grummlinks?



GEORG   MITTLE

Das Wolfkin!  Das Wolfkin!  



FRANZ

Das Wolfkin?



Franz rushes to the window.  His face registering shock, then rage.



MELLON

Vhat?  Vhat Franz?



FRANZ

Dabble got-ben nap-kinned!



ALL (but FRANZ)

Nap-kinned?!



FRANZ

Ya, by das Wolfkin!





MELLON

Eich mein Doodle!  Mein winkly Dabble got-ben nap-kinned by das Wolfkin!



Mellon slumps into Franz's arms.  GramGrum wheels up behind the 
Governesk and smacks her with her cane.



GRAMGRUM

Dis es all your fault-en-blamen!

		(turning to the others)

Dat frauk-shitz ulpened der shultzen-blinders lach knockten - 



The Governesk spins, wielding her stick at GramGrum.



GOVERNESK

Dat es une libel-fibber!



GRAMGRUM

Und gigged das Wolfkin une graveled enter-vitation!!



The Governesk attacks.  Stick and Cane SMACK and parry.



FRANZ 

Shtop!  Shtop dis minken!  Die kried, SHTOP!!



GOVERNESK

Bund Herr Franz, der elder hagen -



FRANZ

Nein bunds about it!  Der winkly es in das Wolfkin's shnoot!  Und ve must shtop das 
Wolfkin dis minkin!



GOVERNESK

Ya-vol, Herr mein fuhrer.



FRANZ 

Georg, Mittle!



GEORG   MITTLE

Ya, Papa?



FRANZ

Go giggen me mein gang!



GEORG   MITTLE

Der gang!?



GOVERNESK

Shnell!  Shnell!



Georg and Mittle exit.  Franz comforts his distraught wife.



FRANZ

Dere-dere, Mellon.  Fretten-nein, fur Die vill rekoop der winkly from das Wolfkin.

		(more ominously)

Die kang vouch for dat, ya, und vit all mein vigor.

MELLON

Franz!  Lach-knockten!  Der drivel-malt!



FRANZ

Drivel-malt...?



MELLON

Ya, in der shleeple, you did shtir und utter, "Das Wolfkin!"



FRANZ

Ya, Die rememberen.  Den, mein drivel-malt vas no drivel-malt.



Georg and Mittle ENTER with Franz's rifle.



GEORG   MITTLE

Papa, der gang!   Vill you shootz das Wolfkin?



FRANZ

Ya-dow kang be dang-shore die vill shootz das Wolfkin vit mein gang.



Franz hoists the rifle and makes a show of inspecting it.  He then stomps to 
the door where he stops and looks back at the others.



FRANZ

Ve all go, ya?



GEORG   MITTLE

Ya!  Ve all go und shniff das Wolfkin down!!



GOVERNESK

	(clapping her hands)

Shnell!  Shnell!



BLACKOUT.



LIGHTS up in the forest.  Franz holds his rifle out and cautiously leads the 
way along a trail.  The others cautiously follow.  Georg and Mittle spot 
something.



GEORG   MITTLE

Look, Papa!  Look-und-seee!



Franz picks up a baby's bonnet — white fabric but with a dark, red stain.



GEORG MITTLE

Das es une shroud.  Ya, Papa?



FRANZ

Ya.  Une winkly shroud.



MELLON

Franz, das es Dabble's shroud!



FRANZ

		(gravely)

Ya, Die kang see dis.



GRAMGRUM

Und does dow see der mark on da shroud?



FRANZ

Hmm, ya.  Und der mark got der crimmen colorink.



GOVERNESK

Crimmen?  Gig mein der shroud.

		(pressing it to her face and inhaling)

Mmmm, ya, dis mark es crimmen!



Only GramGrum is shocked by the Governesk's disturbing action. 



GEORG   MITTLE

Look, Papa!  Look!



SHADOWS lift cross-stage we see Das WOLFKIN.  All GASP except for 
the Governesk who clutches her breast like a smitten schoolgirl.





ALL (except GOVERNESK)

Das Wolfkin!



GOVERNESK

		(intrigued)

Das Wolfkin...



The Wolfkin smacks his lips and picks his teeth.



WOLFKIN

Grrr - oood morgin.

FRANZ

Wolfkin!  Vhere es mein Dabble?



WOLFKIN

Daa-aabble...?



FRANZ

Ya!  Dabble!  Vhere es mein winkly, Dabble? 



WOLFKIN

Ah, ya...der winkly!



The Wolfkin pats his tummy and belches loudly.  Mellon shrieks.



MELLON

Eich!  Mein winkly Dabble es Wolfkin chow!



FRANZ

Dos es von King-kreetin, Herr Wolfkin.



GRAMGRUM   GEORG   MITTLE

Shootz das Wolfkin!  Shootz das Wolfkin!

FRANZ

Ya, dow kang be dang-shore Die vill shootz das Wolfkin!



Franz throws the bonnet down, hoists his gun and takes aim.



FRANZ

Herr Wolfkin, no-kang you munchkin mein winkly und shtay-alive!



WOLFKIN

Hmmmm?



FRANZ

You r'r'r'rote mein vocals! 



WOLFKIN

Uhhh...ya. 



FRANZ

Utter your lack-regrets, Herr Wolfkin.



Franz presses the barrel of his rifle against the Wolfkin's head.  The Wolfkin 
opens his mouth and we HEAR a baby cooing.

FRANZ

Vhat vas dat?



WOLFKIN

			(baby talk) 

Gooden doggin papa...



FRANZ

Dabble...?



Franz swings the gun aside.  The Wolfkin motions Franz to take a look in 
his mouth.  Franz cautiously peers in.



FRANZ

Es dat mein winkly Dabble Die harken?



WOLFKIN

Ya, Papa!  Es Dabble!  



FRANZ

		(wising up)

Nein.  Nein es Dabble!  

		(choking)

Mein winkly es [POINTS UP] ulpen der fluffies vit da angelings und Klaus Klingle.



Franz takes aim again at the Wolfkin.  The Governesk grabs the bonnet and 
approaches Franz.



GOVERNESK

Herr, mein fuhrer...



FRANZ

Ya...?



GOVERNESK

Die have une inkling.

		(waving the bonnet)

Dis shroud es der winkly's shroud, ya?



FRANZ

Ya, dat vas der winkly's shroud.



GOVERNESK

Iffen das Wolfkin es der winkly, den der shroud vill fit das Wolfkin's noggin, ya?

FRANZ

Hmmm.  Iffen da shroud fitten...  Ya, dat es von good inkling!



The Governesk clicks her heels then circles the Wolfkin.  They eye each 
other with great interest.  She strokes his chest and shoulders.



GOVERNESK

For une winkly, dow shure gots der firm muskals, ya...?



WOLFKIN

		(oh, mama)

Ya, ya, ya!



GOVERNESK

Mmm, ya.  Und mein thumper goes pittle-pittle-pat fur das Wolf - 

		(catching herself)

...er, Die mean der winkly!



The Wolfkin titters then coos like a baby.  The Governesk turns to the 
others.



GOVERNESK

Iffen das Wolfkin es der winkly, den der shroud vill fit.  Ya?



GRAMGRUM

Fiddle-shticks! Gig mein der gang, Franz und Die vill shootz das Wolfkin!



FRANZ

Shtifle!  Resume vit der inkling, frau Governesk.



The Governesk clacks her heels, takes the bonnet and pushes it down over 
the Wolfkin's head.  She makes it fit.



WOLFKIN

Papa?  Habby ginder papa...



Franz melts.  He grabs the Wolfkin and peers back down into it's mouth.



FRANZ

Da...Dabble!  Is dat mein winkly, Dabble, down dere? 



WOLFKIN

Ya, Papa, es Dabble...



GRAMGRUM

Franz!  Vhat in da shiplings are you do-ink?



FRANZ

Fraunkles!  Grummlinks!  Die harken Dabble's vocals!



MELLON

		(coming around)

Dabble?!  Vhere es mein Dabble?



FRANZ

Mellon, Dabble es in das Wolfkin's belly-shtump!



GRAMGRUM

Ninken-poop!  Any idiot kang see dat der winkly es in das Wolfkin's belly-shtump!  
Shootz das Wolfkin!



GEORG   MITTLE   MELLON

Ya, shootz das Wolfkin!  Shootz das Wolfkin!



WOLFKIN

Papa, es dabble, ya!



Franz looks back and forth between his family and the Wolfkin.



FRANZ

Nein!  Die no kang shootz mein winkly!



GRAMGRUM 

Den gig mein der gang, und Die vill shootz das Wolfkin!



MELLON

Ya Franz, gig da elder-hagen der gang und she vill shootz - 



FRANZ

Nein!  No von vill shootz mein winkly!!



 	GEORG   MITTLE

Bund, Papa -



GOVERNESK

Shtifle!  Herr Shtupolitz es der fuhrer ov dis famlink!  Und he vill utter da lach-verdens.



Franz likes this kind of stroking.

FRANZ

Ya — Die um der fuhrer ov dis famlink, und Die vill utter der lach verdens.



Franz puts his arm around the Wolfkin.



FRANZ

Und, dis es mein winkly, Dabble. 



MELLON

Eich mein doodle! 

Mellon faints.  The Wolfkin sputters happily.  BLACKOUT.



LIGHTS up in the Shtupolitz cabin.  In the center is the baby's cradle and in 
it, wearing the bonnet, is the Wolfkin, rocking mirthfully as Franz dotes.  



The Governesk is nearby, gloating.  Mellon is at the table being comforted 
by GramGrum.  Georg and Mittle watch from the corner as Franz sings a 
lullaby.



FRANZ 

		(ala rock-a-bye baby)

Knockle-bout winkly in der vood-tip.

Vhen der whosh blows der cribben vill shlip...

Vhen der bow kracks der cribben vill spill,

Und WHOOMP vill plop winkly...cribben und fill.



The Wolfkin sputters and gurgles like any happy baby while Mellon gnashes 
and wails.  The Wolfkin mocks a crying baby. Franz tries to quiet him while 
the Governesk turns her wrath toward Mellon.



GOVERNESK

Shtop your weepling, porkly-frau!  Look und see how you make der winkly shrill!



MELLON

Dat freak es nein mein winkly! 



GOVERNESK

Shtifle!



The Governesk whacks the table.  The Wolfkin wails.





FRANZ

Aww...vhat torment afflicts mein winkly?

The Wolfkin pats his tummy and frowns.



FRANZ

Dosk your belly-shtump ache?



GOVERNESK

Herr Shtupolitz, der winkly vants da viddles!



FRANZ

Viddle-links!  Ya!  Dis winkly got von umple appen-tite!



WOLFKIN

Ya, he-he-he.... 



FRANZ

Vhat does mein winkly vant?  Does mein winkly vant der suckle-milk?



WOLFKIN

Mmmmm...no.



FRANZ

Den vhat das mein winkly vant?



The Wolfkin sits up and surveys the cabin.  He looks first at Mellon, then 
GramGrum and finally — the children.  Georg and Mittle look at one 
another.



GEORG  MITTLE

Uh-oh.



WOLFKIN

		(slurping)

Mmmmm.  Grrr - rumlink, ya!



FRANZ

		(must be kidding)

Ho-ho-ho!  Silly-monkey-Dabble!  No-kang winkly's munchkin down grummlinks. 



WOLFKIN

No? 



FRANZ

		(gently)

Nein.  Neichen, nein-nein.  

The Wolfkin wails.



Mellon, gig Dabble yonk udder vit da suckle-milk.



MELLON

		(clasping herself)

Nein!  Nish-nein!



FRANZ

Mellon!  Der winkly vantz da suckle-milk!



WOLFKIN

Naaa...  Winkly vant, grrrr - rummlink!



GOVERNESK

Herr Shtupolitz!  Gig der winkly vhat das winkly vant!



GEORG   MITTLE

Nein, Papa!  Nein!

GOVERNESK

Shtifle! 



FRANZ

Herr frau, Die no-kang giggen mein grummlinks as viddles for der winkly.



	The Wolfkin wails.



GOVERNESK

Herr Shtupolitz, as der new Governesk, it es mein duty to distill order und discipline in dis 
abode und dat means -



FRANZ

Frau!  Does dow nein rememberen?  Die am der fuhrer ov dis famlink, und Die utter der 
lack –





GOVERNESK

Ya-ya-ya.  So go utter der lack-verdens...



The Governesk and the Wolfkin huddle and appear to be plotting while 
Franz suddenly realizes how unhappy his family is.



FRANZ

Fraulines...?  Grummlinks...?  Vhy all da weepy glazens?

		Suddenly, the Wolfkin turns away and GROWLS loudly.



FRANZ

Vhat vas dat?!



	The Governesk runs to the window and points.




 

 

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Copyright © 1999 William Seebring
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