An Island Unto Himself (1) FADE IN: INT. SHOWER - DAY C.U.on the shower head from STU’s ( OSCAR STEWART ) P.O.V. as the spray of water streams forth. Pull back to reveal Stu from the waist up, eyes closed as the water cascades across his face. Stu is in his mid forties. He begins to sing quietly to himself. STU Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Stu... A TOILET FLUSHES O.S. and there is a sudden shudder in water pressure from the shower head. Mary ( O.S. ) Sorry. INT. STEWART BATHROOM - DAY MARY STEWART checks herself in the medicine chest mirror as she ties her robe. She is pretty but also showing her age, forty-ish. Stu’s profile is also reflected in the mirror, through the distorted glass of the shower door behind her. STU ( O.S., gasping ) That’s freezing! Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Mary I said I was sorry. Besides, the cold water will wake you up. STU ( O.S. ) I don’t need to wake up! I’m already awake! What I need is soap! There’s never any soap in here! Mary ( exiting the bathroom to top of the stairway ) It’s in there somewhere. Through the distorted, glass of the shower door, Stu turns around looking for the elusive bar of soap. He abruptly slips and falls. STU Found it. INT. STEWART KITCHEN - DAY TIFFANY ( TIFFY ) STEWART, 16 with retro 60’s hippie attire and BRAD STEWART, a typical 8 year old boy are finishing a hearty breakfast along with their mother, Mary. Tiffy is eating Cap’n Crunch cereal from an oversized bowl. Enter Stu, dressed for the office, knotting his tie. STU Morning everyone! Mary smiles at Stu while she continues chewing. The children don’t even look up. Stu joins them at the table. STU I’m famished, occasions like today seem to make my appetite work overtime. Nobody picks up on Stu’s hint about occasions. Mary How was your shower, dear? STU Risky. Mary That’s nice. STU You know what I was thinking? We never shower together any more. Tiffy Please! I’m trying to eat! Mary ( giggling ) Stu! I guess next you’ll want me to give up my twin bed. STU It was just a thought. Where’s my breakfast? Mary places two strips of black bacon in front of Stu. MARY You don’t have time dear. Eat this. It’s not like I don’t love love you anymore. We still have sex you know. STU ( Sotto, dejected, pouring coffee ) No we don’t, not even on my birthday. Disgusted, Tiffy drops her spoon into her big cereal bowl with a splash. The cereal is mostly finished but the bowl is still full of wasted milk. TIFFY That does it, I’m outa here. BRAD Finally, I thought you’d never leave, Stinko. I was getting tired of holding my breath. TIFFY You brat... MARY That’s enough. Tiffy, you’ll be late for school. Brad finish your breakfast. Tiffy exits. STU Maybe I’ll just have coffee. Where’s the milk? Stu tries to feed his burnt bacon to MANNY, the family Cocker Spaniel. Manny whines and turns up his nose. MARY We’re out. As a matter of fact I need you to pick some up on the way home tonight. Oh, and the washer’s broken again. STU ( eyeing Tiffy’s bowl of wasted milk ) Again? MARY Again. Can you fix it tomorrow? Stu pours some of Tiffy’s cereal milk into his coffee. A stray morsel of Cap’n Crunch floats in his mug. STU Not tomorrow. I was going to go fishing with Mike tomorrow. I haven’t been fishing in months... MARY Stu, the laundry is really backing up. BRAD Oh yeah, that reminds me, the commode in my bathroom is over- flowing again. STU Since when? Water from overhead begins to seep through the ceiling and droplets fall into Stu’s coffee as he watches helplessly. BRAD ( exiting the room in haste ) Since about an hour ago. EXT. STEWART HOUSE - DAY Tiffy exits the front door of the two story, suburban abode and gets in the family car that is parked in front of the detached garage. As she is backing out, Stu and Mary exit the house onto the front porch. Stu’s sleeves are rolled up and he is holding a plunger and flicking water off his hands. Mary is holding his blazer, brief case and sack lunch. STU ( RE: Tiffany ) Hey, where’s she going?! MARY School? STU I mean with my car! MARY I told Tiffy to drive it. She said her car is jumping. STU Jumping? MARY That’s what she said. Maybe the clutch is slipping or something. STU Perfect, and how am I supposed to get to work? Mary abruptly trades Stu his jacket, briefcase and lunch for the plunger and heads back into the house. MARY Take Tiffy’s car. Maybe you can figure out what’s wrong with it! Mary slams the door behind her! Manny enters the scene and trots up the front steps. STU Hey ya, Manny old boy. At least you still appreciate me. Manny ignores Stu and scratches at the front door. Mary, unseen, opens the door for Manny and then slams it after him. Stu winces. Stu descends the few steps to the lawn and turns back toward the front door. STU Just see if you get any more bacon from me, you no good flea motel. How do you like them apples, Pooch! Finishing his retort, Stu turns toward the detached garage, steps in dog poop, slips and falls flat on his back! STU Oh, poop! Brad tears out of the front door on roller blades, jumps the steps and stops on a dime next to his downed father. BRAD Dad, I need lunch money. Still down, Stu retrieves his wallet and withdraws a lone twenty dollar bill. STU All I have is a twenty, Brad. BRAD Thanks, Dad. Brad snatches the twenty and skates off as the MAILMAN enters the scene from the street and hands the mail to Stu, still on the ground. MAILMAN Morning, Mr. Stewart. STU Morning Sam, thanks. MAILMAN Don’t thank me, they’re all bills. INT. STEWART GARAGE - DAY The roll up door rattles open, bathing the dank, cluttered garage with light. Close on Stu’s dark silhouette in the doorway, outlined by the sunlight behind him for effect. Stu enters the garage, pauses and stares at Tiffy’s monstrosity of a vehicle still O.S. STU Oh, brother. Stu’s P.O.V., the vehicle is an old, faded, orange VW BUS with a rollback, canvas sunroof. Stu walks past the bus and sets his briefcase on his workbench. He opens it and pulls out a glossy magazine. Sitting on a stool, he flips through the mag to the centerfold and turns it at different angles trying to get optimum viewing pleasure. STU Oh mama, one of these days, just you and me. Stu tears out the centerfold and pins it to the pegboard over his workbench. It is a pic of a lush tropical island. INT. VW BUS - DAY The driver’s door opens and Stu pokes his head in. He looks around, hesitating. STU I thought these things were extinct. He climbs in and looks the bus over. It’s a mess. Stu inspects it from front to back. There is a discarded order of McDonald’s fries on the passenger seat and empty soda bottles on the floor. Magazines are scattered about; Cosmo and Vanity Fair. There is a hula girl figurine, replete with hula skirt on the dash. Like its owner, the rest of the bus is decorated with a retro - 60’s motif; tasseled window dressings, a tied back curtain of beads, Dead Head stickers and tie died seat covers, a red bean bag chair and black lights. STU What a mess. There are a number of stereo speakers, both mounted and unmounted, and a web of speaker wire strung throughout. As Stu follows the trail of wire toward the back of the van, he suddenly disappears. Pan down to Stu who has fallen through a hole in the bus floor and is now standing with his feet flat on the garage floor, visible only from the knees up. STU Good grief. EXT. STEWART GARAGE - DAY Stu slowly backs the bus out of the garage. STU I hope nobody sees me in this wreck. Stu places a cigarette between his lips and pushes in the bus’s lighter. He turns on the tape deck and nearly shatters an eardrum as it blasts out an AEROSMITH TUNE. He clicks it off and rummages through Tiffy’s selection of music. STU Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, my daughter listens to the same music I used to listen to. That’s just not right. The bus’s lighter has not popped out. Stu tugs on it, still nothing. It’s stuck. STU Ah, c’mon. Stu uses his trusty ZIPPO to light his smoke and flips open the ashtray. A small marijuana pipe falls out and lands on the floorboard. Rolling to a stop at the intersection, Stu bends over and picks up the pipe. STU I knew it, she is smoking... ( beat ) a pipe? Smoke and fumes drifting in through the big hole in the floor start to overtake Stu. He rolls down the window and starts off again. The bus lurches and jumps, startling one of his neighbors, MRS. SKINNER. STU Hi, Mrs. Skinner. Don’t be afraid, it’s just me, Stu. INTERCUT EXT./INT. VW BUS - DAY As Stu makes the commute to work, a series of shots follow: The bus jumps and lurches as the clutch slips in and out. The tasseled curtains and hula girl’s grass skirt shake. The empty soda bottles roll to the front when he stops and then back again when he accelerates. He stops for a CROSSING GUARD letting small CHILDREN cross the street for school. The little children give him and the dilapidated bus looks of contempt and disdain. Stu cowers under their intimidating stares. EXT. PARKING GARAGE - DAY Stu drives up and enters the facility. INT. PARKING GARAGE - DAY The bus lurches and jumps into a parking space and Stu kills the engine. The lighter finally pops out like a gun shot and ricochets around the bus. Stu bails out to the bewildered stares of CO-WORKERS also arriving for work. INT. OFFICES OF FISHER & FISHER - DAY Pan along a row of cubicles, EMPLOYEES hard at work at computer terminals until coming to Stu in his cubicle. Double take back to the previous cubicle, where the employee is visiting a porn site on the Internet. This is MIKE, Stu’s best friend. Mike’s an all right guy, just a little rough around the edges. Pull back to include both Mike and Stu’s cubicles in the frame. Stu is also surfing the web. He is reading ROBINSON CRUSOE on line, complete with pictures of his island paradise. Stu’s wall calendar also features a picture of tropical island and the caption: “No man is an island unto himself.” Seated at their desks, Stu and Mike can’t see each other over the partition between them. As if by cue, they both lean back in their chairs with their hands behind their heads, fingers interlocked. STU & MIKE ( in unison ) Oh, yeah. MR. FISHER ( O.S. abruptly clears throat ) Startled, Stu spins around in his chair. Pull back to include Stu’s boss, MR. FISHER, peering into Stu’s cubicle. STU Mr. Fisher... MR. FISHER Planning a little get away, are we Stewart? STU No, I was just... MR. FISHER Let’s see, you’ve already had your morning break... ( mockingly looking at watch ) and it’s not lunch time yet... STU No, sir. MR. FISHER Then if it’s not too much trouble, I strongly suggest you get your lazy, mooching, slack ass back to work on the Craig Industries deal!! You can be replaced you know!!! Mr. Fisher storms off into his office! STU ( standing so that he can see over the cubicle ) But, I finished the Craig contract... Mr. Fisher’s slamming door cuts him off! STU ...an hour ago. Mike also stands to make eye contact with Stu over their shared partition. MIKE You really know how to make an impression with ole Fish Face, buddy. STU ( plopping down in his chair ) Boy, do I. Mike leans over, crossing his arms on top of the wall. MIKE How do you do that? STU Do what? MIKE Sit without tipping over. You know, after getting such a big piece of your ass chewed off like that. STU I’ve had plenty of practice. KIMMY, another co-worker pokes her head over the partition on Stu’s other side. Kimmy is 25, brunette, olive complexion, cute. She is a real looker but also presents a very professional appearance; hair up, glasses, skirt and blazer. KIMMY You okay, Stu? STU Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks, Kimmy. KIMMY It’s just a shame, that’s what it is! Fisher knows how hard you’ve worked on the Craig thing. Boy, you take five minutes of company time to reward yourself for a job well done and the old man goes postal. STU It’s okay, Kimmy. KIMMY I didn’t hear him bitching when you worked late all this week or when you skipped lunch... MR. FISHER ( V.O. intercom ) Stewart! Kimmy and Mike both duck back into their cubicles! Stu depresses the intercom button on his phone. STU Sir. MR. FISHER ( V.O. ) I’ve got meetings all day. But, I want to continue our little talk after work. Be in my office at five o’clock sharp! STU Yes, sir. EXT. BREAK AREA - DAY Stu and Kimmy are on lunch break. Stu has his brown bag, but he isn’t eating. He’s smoking. Kimmy is having a cup of yogurt and bottled water. STU You know, one of these days I’m going to tell that old shark Fisher, just where he can go. KIMMY No you’re not. STU Oh, really? KIMMY Yeah, really. You’re keystoned so you can’t tell him off. STU I’m what? KIMMY Keystoned. You know, like the stone at the very peak of an arch. STU What? KIMMY Look, how long have you worked here? STU Twenty years, give or take. This was my first job out of college. KIMMY Okay, so for twenty plus years you’ve been working your way up the arch from ground zero. You started out young and energetic, a burgeoning asset to this company and a viable commodity on the open job market. Now you’re in your mid forties... STU Early forties. Kimmy is doubtful about the age in question but continues. KIMMY Early forties. Anyway, now you’re at the middle of your career arch. STU I get it. I’m the keystone, the one that holds this company together! KIMMY Don’t kid yourself. What I meant was it’s all downhill from here. Nobody’s hiring middle aged men these days, so I wouldn’t... STU Forty-four is not middle aged! Fifty-four, now that’s middle aged. KIMMY Oh, so you think you’re going to live to be a hundred and eight, huh. Look Stu, all I’m trying to say is don’t worry about Mr. Fisher. You’re just having a bad day. STU Bad day? You just don’t know. I’m miserable at work, I’m driving a van almost as old as me and on top of everything else, my wife and kids didn’t even remember that it’s my birthday. KIMMY Your birthday! Why didn’t you say something? Mike approaches, also carrying a paper bag. MIKE Hey kids, what’s up? STU Where have you been? Lunch is almost over. MIKE ( holding up bag ) I ran to the drugstore to get a little something for my best pal. KIMMY Mike, we forgot Stu’s birthday. Can you believe it? MIKE ( improvising ) Like I said, I ran to the drugstore to pick up a birthday present for my best pal, Stu. Here, open it birthday boy. Stu takes the bag and withdraws the contents, a large tube of K-Y lubricant. MIKE I figure you might need this when you hook up with old Fish Head after work. Kimmy rolls her eyes in disgust. STU Thanks, but I’m going in dry. When you’ve been reamed as many times as I have, you hardly even flinch. MIKE Suit yourself. So, what where you kids talking about? STU We were just discussing my dead end job, how my boss doesn’t appreciate me, how my wife doesn’t appreciate me, how my kids don’t appreciate me. Hell, even my dog takes me for granted. Sometimes I just want to walk away from my whole dumb life. MIKE I hear ya, buddy. KIMMY Shut up, Mike. C’mon Stu, it’s not that bad. Besides, where would you go? STU I’d just start driving. Any direction, doesn’t matter. I’d drive and I’d drive and I’d drive until I run out of land. KIMMY Then what? STU Then I’d sell my car and buy a boat and I’d sail and I’d sail and I’d sail until one day I would find my own private island... MIKE Every man’s dream. STU Just me and nature. MIKE Back to the womb of mother earth. Surviving by your wits. STU No responsibilities. MIKE No wife. STU No kids. MIKE No bills waiting for you in the mailbox every day. STU No insurance premiums to pay. MIKE No taxes. STU No telephone. KIMMY No TV. MIKE No way. Thanks for bringing me back to reality, Kimmy. Kimmy gathers her things to go back to work. KIMMY Must be a guy thing. MIKE You’re darn right it’s a guy thing! A woman could never understand the pressures we men are under. Especially a single woman like yourself. We’re responsible for everything; job, wife, kids, money, bills, car, house... KIMMY ( insulted ) Mike, you’re talking to a twenty- five year old single parent. Try that on for responsibility! ( leaving ) I’ll see you guys back upstairs. Try to cheer up, Stu. MIKE ( calling after Kimmy ) Hey, I’m a single parent too you know. KIMMY Every other weekend doesn’t count, you moron. MIKE She’s hot for me. STU Shut up, Mike. MIKE Oh yeah birthday boy, tell me you wouldn’t like to open that package yourself. STU I’ve been happily married for twenty years. MIKE Nobody that’s been married twenty years is happy. STU Besides, I’ve got a daughter nearly her age. MIKE Your daughter is sixteen. Kimmy is twenty-five. That’s a world of difference my man. So, how about a beer after work? We’ll celebrate your birthday. STU Can’t. I’ve got a game tonight. Thanks anyway. Mike’s not listening. He’s still watching Kimmy in the distance. MIKE Oh yeah, she wants me. INT. OFFICES OF FISHER & FISHER - DAY Mike and Kimmy are just outside Mr. Fisher’s office. Everyone else is gone. Mr. Fisher’s yelling is muffled through his closed door. MR. FISHER ( O.S.) ...just because you’ve been with Fisher and Fisher for the last twenty years doesn’t give you the right to gold brick for the next twenty. You’d better shape up and start pulling your weight around here, Stewart! You can be replaced you know. Why, any idiot off the street could do your job, probably better...
Copyright © 2000 Tony Mossor |