Judith. Judith Tillington stands outside the porch of St. George's Church gazing up at the night sky. She knows nothing of astronomy, but loves stargazing, especially with Christmas being quite near. She senses someone behind her and turns round. - Looking for the Star of Bethlehem? Tony asks, putting his chin on Judith's broad shoulder. Judith jerks her shoulder and knocks Tony's chin upwards. - No, Judith says, just enjoying the sight of the stars. She smiles and looks at Tony as he rubs his jaw. Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you, she adds, putting her right hand to the injured jaw and rubbing it. Tony touches her hand as it rubs his chin. - You should have been a prize fighter, he informs, then ducks as Judith's hand goes to swipe him. Only joking, he pleads as Judith's hand hits his ear. Judith grabs his arm and leads him into the porch and darkness. She wants to kiss him, but wonders what he may say, so doesn't. She stands in front of him looking with her large light-blue eyes into his smaller hazel ones. Tony raises his eyebrows and thinks her eyes are the best he's seen and the smile still captivates as it did that first time he saw it some months back. He looks down into the darkness away from her gaze, but senses her closeness despite not seeing her. Her shadow overwhelms him. - Ready for the off? Reverend David Storem says from out of the darkness as he approaches the church porch. The other members of the choir are by the rectory, he adds, beaming his torch at the two lone figures standing in the darkness of the porch. Judith blinks at the light and Tony raises his head and nods innocently. - Sorry, Father, thought we were meeting here, says Judith, tripping over the thirteenth-century step, but saved from a fall from grace and from the ground by Tony's grip under her arm. - Careful, Judith, my dear, the Reverend Storem declares warmly, taking hold of Judith's hand. This way. Follow me. And the two lost sheep return to the fold behind the carol-singing vicar, along the path between the tombstones, beneath the stars and creamy moon. The choir set out behind the vicar and his wife, Margery, a quiet woman who possesses more hair than her husband and just as much faith. They make their way along the path back between the tombstones, behind the church, and along a narrow path, which leads to the first half dozen houses of the parish. The vicar's voice lifts high above the chatter of the choir and proclaims, - Shall we begin with the carol, Once in Royal Davidfs...Whatever was it? He whispers to his wife beside him. - City, Margery Storem whispers. - City, Reverend Storem repeats louder. Hymn book pages, shuffle; throats cough, and slightly out of key the Reverend Storem opens with the first verse and the choir joins him just after, David's city. At the back of the choir, hidden from view, Judith and Tony add their warble to the keen voices in front of them. Judith's right hand reaches out stealthily for the hand of Tony beside her; she fumbles in the darkness and finally fastens on to his left hand firmly like a cat on a mouse. She grips it, draws it towards her, and lays it against her hip. Tony almost drops his hymnbook and with his remaining right hand he grabs for it as it slips away. His fingers snatch at the cover and hold it firm. The carol ends. And the door of the house opens and a thin wedge of light spreads out into the semi-darkness. A huge woman appears in the doorway with a wafer-thin man beside her. She makes small talk with the vicar and his wife and the thin man smiles meekly out at the choir. - Doesnft Christmas make you feel full of love? Judith asks in a whisper to Tony, who, holding the hymnbook under his chin, manages to turn it the right way up. He holds the book firm in his right hand and turns to look at Judith. - Ifm not sure that it does, says Tony. Ifm not over religious myself, he adds casually. Judith tightens her grip on his left hand as she digests his words. - If you're not over religious, as you put it, why are you in the choir? Judith enquires, drawing the hand under her armpit. - Because you're here, Tony informs, fearing a broken hand between the vice like grip of Judith's armpit. The grip lessens and the hand is released unbroken. - Really? Judith says, her eyes searching those of Tony for honesty and sincerity. You do like me, then? she asks still searching the hazel eyes. Tony nods and looks away into the darkness. He wants to tell her he's in love, but finds the words hard to say. He wants to turn now and just kiss her on the lips; kiss her without the others seeing and Judith not fainting with shock. But he doesn't. He remains looking into the darkness, feeling his hand held against a firm, steady hip. And thinking, if only I could, if only I could. The choir moves on. The vicar rambling about the nip in the air and then his voice, alone in the wilderness, proclaiming in off-key manner, - Hark the Herald Angels sing. And a voice from Trevor Bullfinch muttering: - If angels sang like that we'd all be doomed. But his words are snatched away by the wind and lifted off over the heads of the choir before they are heard to any great degree. Judith, still clutching Tony's hand in hers, follows with Tony, a prisoner at her side. - How much do you like me? Judith asks. Tony pauses to think. He wants his words to convey what he feels, but somehow the lips won't utter them and he is left dumb momentarily, looking down at his hymnbook. Judith puts pressure on his hand and Tony's lips move. - How far are the stars? How wide the ocean? Tony exclaims. - I don't want scientific questions, Judith informs, her voice strained. Just a simple answer to a simple question. Tony nods and raises his eyebrows. The words sit nervously on his lips. He stops and Judith does too. The choir moves on in the darkness and the vicar still sings a lonesome carol in a warm, but off-key manner. - Like is a little word which carries only a weak affection, Tony says quietly. Mine is more like love than like, he adds shyly, blushing in the darkness, but being in the dark goes unseen. Judith stiffens beside him.- Love? Judith repeats in a whisper like a leaf falling. How much do you love me? she enquires faintly, feebly. She releases the hand she's held and embraces the hymnbook like a lost child found. Tony studies her face. She's not pretty, he tells himself. No beauty here that's skin deep, apart from the eyes and smile, he muses to himself, scanning the girl's features. But there is a deeper beauty. There is something there that's beyond the eyes to see. Something only the heart can feel and the mind know, he muses deeply, letting his eyes move away from her face and beyond her into the dark space behind. - How do you love me? Judith enquires, anxiously. - How do I love thee? Tony says remembering verses heard somewhere. Let me count the ways, he mutters, then pauses. Judith frowns and turns away. - Are you being honest? Judith asks with her back to Tony. Or are you making it all up? Tony opens his mouth, but nothing comes. He wants to say again what he feels; wants to let it all out and say it loud so that all the damn lot can hear him, but he remains silent. Judith walks away swinging her hymnbook dangerously in her hand. She wants to turn and hit him with the book, but she knows that if she looks at him again, she'll kiss him or something and then he'll...She doesn't know what he will do or if she cares now, and so walks off hurriedly to catch up with the choir who are standing outside another house and starting the first lines of We Three Kings, with the Reverend Storem in full voice ahead of them. Tony wanders slowly to join Judith and the choir just as they are Following Yonder Star. His voice filters and blends weakly with that of the others. Judith stiffens as he approaches and her voice bellows loudly as she senses him beside her again. He looks sideward at her and watches as her mouth opens and closes with the words and music. He seems temporarily to be disconnected from the others about him. He sees at that moment only Judith and her mouth opening and closing. He senses only a vague shadow about her, as if he and she were the only ones there in the darkness of this cold night, only them and no one else. Moving closer, he touches her right hand gently. She moves away and her voice falters and wavers, until it stops and she turns and stares at him. Her light-blue eyes shimmer in the half-dark; dance, gleam and glisten as if stars were there and not in the night sky. He moves his hand again and touches hers. Once more she moves away and mingles with the choir in front, just as the final words fill the night air. Lydia, Tony's sister, turns and smiles at him from the front of the choir. Where's Judith? she mouths silently. Tony shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. Lydia moves through the choir to the back and stands beside her brother. - Wherefs Judith? I thought she was with you? Lydia asks in a low voice. Tony sighs and looks above him at the stars. - I think I upset her, Tony pronounces, sadly. - How? Lydia asks. What did you say to her? - Itfs not so much what I said, as what I didn't say, Tony confesses. He sighs again. Why is it something you want to say, never comes out the way you want it to? Tony complains grimly. Lydia touches her brother's arm. - What were you trying to say? Lydia asks. - That I love her, Tony says sighing at the same time. Lydia nods her head slowly. - And you didn't say that, I take it, Lydia says. Tony shrugs his shoulders and pulls a face. - I thought I did, Tony states, looking at the choir in front who are standing murmuring about what to sing next. But I must have said it wrong, or not said it unconvincingly, he adds, again deeply sighing. Lydia moves his arm and turns him to face her. - Well, tell her how you feel out right, Lydia exclaims. You know how she feels about you, don't you? Lydia enquires. Tony looks vague and Lydia shakes his arm. Donft you? she says firmly. - Sort of, Tony informs. Lydia shakes her head. - She loves you, you idiot, Lydia states resolutely. Now, go find her and tell her, Lydia instructs, releasing Tony's arm, and giving him a slight push. Lydia then moves back to the front of the choir just as they begin to move on to the big house further up the narrow lane. Tony moves slowly on behind the moving bodies before him. Deep in thought, he wishes he'd got it right with Judith. If only, he muses, if only. But I've blown it now, I've lost my chance, he tells himself, looking down at the dark ground before him, she's lost to me now, she's lost to me now. The choir comes to a standstill at the large house on the hill. The Reverend Storem turns to face them. - We must give full spirit to our voices now, he states firmly. This is the Major's house. So let us give all we have. Let's begin with We Three Kings...One, two, three. Once again the vicar leads the choir to follow a yonder star and Tony stands at the back half-heartedly, singing vague words to a familiar melody. After the Three Kings comes Three Ships and again the vicar leads the way and Tony follows weakly, almost unheard. Then, after this, the door of the large house opens. A wide shaft of light spills on to the semi-darkness and the Major and his wife appear in the doorway. He suggests mince pies and hot drinks all round and two women appear from the side of the house with trays of the mentioned goodies. The choir descend upon the two women like hungry wolves and only slight whiffs of hair are seen where once the two women stood. Tony stands back and stares at the sky. @ - Arenft you having any of the goodies, then? said a voice by Tony's side. Tony looks round and sees Judith, her face downcast, pensive. - Not in the mood, Tony replies, quietly. Judith takes an intake of breath and then exhales it into the night sky as if she were smoking. I was being serious, Tony says, looking ahead at the choir eating pies and drinking from mugs of steaming liquid. I find it hard to say quite what I mean, he adds, faintly, as if the words were too heavy to carry. Judith says nothing, but studies Tony's face. Silence separates them for a short duration. They stand watching the choir eating and drinking, themselves unmoving like silent witnesses. Then Judith turns and says, - Just a yes or no will do. Do you love me or not? Tony looks away from the choir and settles his eyes upon Judith as if for the first time. He knows deep down that he does; he knows it and wants to say it, but the words still dither upon his lips like one wishing to dive into the sea, but frightened of drowning. He studies her profoundly. Takes in each part of her face and features as if he were an artist and she the subject of his art. The eyes hold him; the lips moving, but not speaking; the hair, a dark-brown in the half-light, brushed back in a disorderly manner; the cheeks high and having that rural look about them like one long spent in all weathers. Well? Judith asks in a quiet tone, enquiring, not threatening. - I love you, Tony proclaims seriously. Judith moves towards him, takes his right hand in hers, and leads him away into the darkness away from the light of the house. - Do you really? Judith enquires. Tony looks over at the choir, but knows they are not missed. They are alone and he knows this is the time to express all that he feels. He holds Judith's hands in his and pulls her slowly towards him. - Yes, he utters in a whisper close to her ear. Yes, I love you. More than I can ever express in words. Takes these words as small tokens and hold them and turn them round and round and never forget them. Then moving his head forward slowly, touches his lips against hers, gently, briefly, as if afraid to touch too much. Judith leans into him and seals the lips strongly, with passion, with desire, with all her pent-up, constrained, emotions released. Minutes pass and then release and Tony moves away for air and Judith for second breath. They look into each the other's eyes and see there what only lovers see, and those that know not love can never know. They embrace. They kiss again. And moving, after the four or fifth kiss, close to the choir again, they hear the Reverend Storem hum against the wind the melody of the next carol. - O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant, the vicar declares loudly and the choir follow. Tony and Judith in turn walking forward away from the house on the hill, leaving behind the light from the closing door, leaving behind the doubts of a few moments before, hand in hand onward down the hill towards the cottages at the end of the path. And beneath the moon and stars, surrounded by the wind biting at their hands and cheeks, they feel suddenly alive, as if woken from a long sleep. Alive and seeing; alive and feeling; alive and knowing love. @
Copyright © 2000 Terry Collett |