Exclusion
Harry said you could put it all in one paragraph. A person's life - one paragraph. Glancing down at his obituary I knew it was true. Harry Reynolds. Born Sept. 9, 1943, died Oct. 1, 1986. Dr. Reynolds held a Ph.D. in biophysics and was co-winner of the 1984 Nobel Prize in the field. He was a full professor in the Biology Department at Yale. Dr. Reynolds was an only child and did not marry. His presence will be sorely missed. "By whom?" I wondered. Poor Harry. He was always a loner. Handsome, charming, brilliant but a loner none the less. There had once been a time when Harry hadn't been completely alone. He had taken someone else into his isolation from the world - me. I walked into the mortuary. The cold, sweet smell of roses filled the room. I walked over to the casket. It was closed. I must have looked surprised. The funeral director come over to me, "May I help you, Miss?" I suddenly realized the smell of the flowers had caused my eyes to redden and I felt the tears working their way down my face. I shook my head. He turned to leave when suddenly I asked, "Why is the casket closed?" He turned back to me, "Dr. Reynolds was killed in an automobile accident." I nodded but the puzzled look remained on my face. The funeral director added, "Dr. Reynolds was crushed when the car turned over." A short "oh" escaped my lips. The funeral director immediately became concerned, "May I get you something? Water or a drink perhaps?" I shook my head and headed for the door. Somehow I found my way back to the street and finally to my car. As I opened the door, I saw a note lying on the seat. I picked it up. Caroline, Meet me at Hollyoak. You know the place. The Hollyoak estate belonged to Harry. I read the note again but still couldn't recognize the handwriting. My curiosity overcame my good sense. I got in the car and drove west toward the mountains and Hollyoak. I stopped at the turnoff, pulled over to the side of the road, and began thinking. Why go? Harry was dead. As I was thinking, a patrol car stopped and a police officer stepped out. He tapped on my window. I snapped back to reality and rolled down the glass. The officer leaned towards me and asked, "Anything wrong, Miss?" I couldn't very well explain my dilemma to him. I had to think of something fast, "I was trying to remember which was the turnoff to Hollyoak. I haven't been there for some time." He smiled, "The west road, Miss." I thanked him. He continued, "Next time carry a map or ask directions at a service station. It isn't safe to drive on these roads without knowing your way. A man drove over the edge of a cliff near here just yesterday. I thought "Harry? Could it have been Harry?" "The biophysics expert?" I asked. The officer looked surprised, "As a matter of fact, it was. You knew him?" I held up a copy of the newspaper, "I read about it in the paper." He nodded. I thanked the officer once more and pulled out onto the west road. So Harry had died on this road. I came to a curve and glancing at the edge, I shuttered. Poor Harry. What a terrible way to die. But then Harry had said that there was no good way to die. Why did I have to keep thinking of Harry? He was dead. I tried to just think about the road. Suddenly I realized that I was near the cabin. I looked at the two tall trees. As I saw them my mind flashed back to the first time I had seen them. I had been riding with Harry. I remember him saying, "There they are. The two tall sentinels of my little castle." I had smiled. Long ago the trees had looked like toy soldiers waiving in the wind, seeming to bow "enter". Now they seemed forbidding, even ugly - had they really changed or had I? I felt the tears ready to fall again. Never in my life had I wanted to cry so much. Not even the night of the crash. Oh, how I remembered that night: sitting in the cockpit of a 727 watching the rapidly deteriorating weather, waiting for the aircraft to be deiced, waiting even longer to be cleared from the gate, arguing with the captain, and then refusing to fly. I remembered the face of the copilot who had replaced me. We passed each other in the jetway and he had smiled smugly. I remembered identifying his charred body an hour later. Harry had been one of the passengers that night. He had decided to get off the aircraft when I did. He, too, was identifying bodies. "Don't blame, yourself, ma'am. They all chose to be on that aircraft." I had moved away from him. I realized now that he had tried to comfort me. I hadn't let him. Not then anyway. I returned to the present and drove up to the cabin. My car stopped and I forced myself to open the door and get out. In closing the door, I held onto the handle a little too long as I looked at the house. My vision blurred again. Then I looked around - no car around. I must be early. The note hadn't given a time - maybe the appointment wasn't until tomorrow. I decided to go inside. As I walked up the stairs I stopped to smell a rose. It reminded me of the mortuary. With an angry shove I pushed the door open but no one was there. Again tears welled up. I was alone. Tears began to fall in earnest. Suddenly the door closed behind me. As I turned around I saw Harry standing there. Without knowing what I was doing I threw my arms around him. My heart was pounding. My eyes ached. I felt him holding me. I heard his soft words in my ear, "Hey, you crying over me?" He was surprised yet pleased that he meant something to me. Suddenly I remembered Harry was supposed to be dead. I tried to pull away from him. He didn't make it easy. Finally, I escaped far enough to look into his face, "You're looking very well for a dead man." Harry smiled, "Better than you know." I was suddenly angry at my weakness, "Why the farce, Harry?" Slowly his smile faded. He walked to a table, opened a drawer, and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He put one in his mouth and lit it. I walked over, took the cigarette, and put it out in an ashtray, "Trying to kill yourself?" His response was cool, "I'm already dead, remember?" My gaze fell to the ground. I shivered as the coffin and then the cliff flashed in my mind. Harry grabbed my shoulders and looked into my face, "Hey, I ..." Then he turned away from me and stared out the window, "I staged my own death, Caroline." I walked over to him, searching his face, "Why?" He took a deep breath, "I discovered that the CIA had plans for my project. So did the Soviet Union. You know my work. I was trying to lengthen lives not . . . you can guess what they wanted it for. So before the vultures got it, I got out." I remembered Harry's words when I had resigned from the airline. I repeated them for him, "You once asked me if I was giving up - betraying my talents." Harry nodded, "When you quit flying." My response was quick, "I never regretted getting out." He pulled another cigarette from the pack and lit another match. I blew it out. Harry was angry, "Damn it, Caroline. Stop it." I stepped back stunned. It came flooding in on me - old doubts, guilt, Harry's death, and resurrection. The anger at my own weakness was growing. Harry was penitent, "Caro, I'm sorry. I . . . I came here to ask you . . . To ask you to go away with me." I stared angrily at him, "And if I refuse? You surely can't let me go now. After the death you so cleverly arranged . . . Whose body's in the coffin, Harry? Did you kill someone or just steal a body?" A voice from behind me, "Neither. A closed coffin hides a multitude of sins." I turned to look at the stranger. He was tall, lean, and obviously at ease. I turned to Harry, "Does he know about your plan?" The stranger answered, "Of course. In fact I arranged it. As long as Harry doesn't help the Soviets, we really don't care if he helps us. You see we already have Dr. Roberts." I must have given him a doubtful look. "Of his own volition, Caroline." I began to wonder what my options really were. Harry broke the silence, "You don't have to come with me, Caroline. I . . . we trust you. You don't even have to decide now. Take some time and when you've decided just make an appointment to see Dave, here. No one will suspect anything unusual." I let out a disgusted sigh, "You've made me a walking bomb. Someone might . . ." My voice failed me. Dave tried to reassure me, "We'll take good care of him. I give you my word." I shook my head, "One slip and Harry dies. I don't want to be around when that happens. I'm sorry, Harry. I choose to live out my own life in my own way." My look must have been imploring. Both men stepped closer. I began to curse the tears that were ready to fall. I glanced out the window to shield my face from them. Suddenly I saw a man in the woods. I pushed Harry to the floor and shouted a warning to Dave. Dave quietly responded, "One of ours." I felt foolish. Then I looked at Harry and didn't feel foolish anymore. One bullet . . . Harry stroked my shoulder, "I'm glad you care." I stood abruptly angry again, "I would have done the same for Hitler," then turning to Dave, "or Gerring. I hope you two will be very happy together." By the time I got into my car and down the road I was beginning to have doubts. As I made the turn, I put my foot on the brake. Nothing happened. I almost laughed. Dave had said that he'd take all the proper precautions. No doubt that included my silence or my death. But I wasn't ready to die. Not without a fight. I opened the car door and rolled out. When I hit the road, I could feel the pounding. I got up and began to limp into the forest for cover. A car had followed me. It was racing down the slope after my car. A moment later I heard the crash and then a screech. My car had gone over the cliff and the second car had stopped at the edge. I hoped its passengers would think I had gone over the edge with my car. I was working my way down hill when I slipped and started sliding down the slope, smashing into trees, shrubs, and rocks. When I finally stopped, I slowly I tried to stand. My ankle refused to support my weight. "Need some help?" It was Harry's voice. His hand was reaching out to help me. I got up myself. I walked until there was at least twenty feet between us, then I turned and held up my hands, "Well, here I am. Why not put a bullet into me or is that too hard to explain? How about tossing me over a cliff?" Dave raised his hand, "You misunderstand. You were right about that man. One of our sentries was killed - that man must have tampered your brakes. As soon as we discovered . . . " I glared at him, "You expect me to believe you?" Harry swore, "Damn it, Caro. When we found out there was an intruder we raced after you . . . When we saw your car go over . . . " I nearly laughed, "Touching. I'll nominate you for an academy award. Why fix my car, not yours?" Dave's face was solemn, "You're the link, Caroline. Without you, no one would alert the authorities if Harry disappeared." I started walking or rather limping. I wanted out, time to think. I grew more suspicious, "How did you find me?" Dave had an easy answer, "One of our sentries." I nodded. Harry and Dave walked slowly, one on each side of me. I tripped and two sets of hands reached out to help. I ignored them and continued walking. My only hope was the road. Dave stiffened, "Do you want to interrogate the prisoner?" This time I did laugh, "Prisoner or one of your men ordered to act like a prisoner? You know, say the right things . . . break at the right time . . ." I was nearing the road. I heard a car coming and from the corner of my eye I saw a police car approaching. I walked to the middle of the road. Harry grew desperate, "Caroline, where can you go?" I sank to the pavement and turned to look at him one last time, "Home in a nice, safe, police car. Maybe you . . . gentlemen had better leave. Unless you want to let someone else into your sordid little secret." The police car was slowing down. I waved to it. Dave was sure of himself, of me, "You won't jeopardize our lives." Harry was equally sure, "We trust you, Caroline, with our lives. The same trust we asked you to have in us." The car stopped and the driver rushed towards me. "What happened, Miss? Are you all right?" I recognized him. He had given me directions to Hollyoak earlier in the day. I took a deep breath, "My car . . . like you said. Never drive these roads without knowing what's ahead." The second officer stooped in front of me, "I called headquarters. A car was reported over the cliff. Yours?" I nodded, "I jumped out before the car went over. I think I . . . " I tried to move my ankle. The pain stopped my speech for a moment. The first officer shook his head, "I'm afraid it's broken. We'll take you to the clinic. Come on. Take a hold of my neck . . ." In a few minutes I was in the back of the patrol car. Four years had passed since that day. I had received a Ph.D. in ecology and had opened an ecological survey company. Now I was paying back. My new life was both rewarding and some even called it successful. I was outside the supply store checking my pickup truck, making sure everything was there. As I was ticking off items on the checklist, I heard some footsteps from the past. They stopped on the walk beside the truck. There was no one else around. "Hello, Harry. Or don't you go by that name anymore?" Harry laughed, "Still the same old Harry. Madison, now, though." I offered my hand to him. He took it smiling. I was ready for anyone watching, "Mr. Madison." He smiled, "You can call me Harry. I hear you run ecology seminars in the mountains." I walked to the other side of the truck. He seemed sad when he said, "You still limp." I squinted towards the sun, "A permanent reminder." I looked at his face. The distinguished beard was gone. He looked different, yet the same. He smiled, "I meant it about the seminar." I was skeptical, "Chance to catch up on old times?" He nodded, "Something like that. Well?" I looked at him, "I haven't refused a client yet. Though up to now they've all been EPA officials or well-meaning old ladies." Harry laughed, "Well I was never accused of being a bureaucrat or an old lady." I grew serious, "Maybe I am, Harry. Come to my office tomorrow and we'll make the arrangements." He responded in kind, "Never let it be said that Caroline Sims ever refused a paying client." My tone was very cool, "Sarcasm was never your strong point, Harry. Tomorrow?" He nodded and I got into my truck and drove off. The next day Harry appeared contritely at my office. He was carrying a bouquet of flowers, "For you. An apology from a foolish man." I took the flowers and went to get water and a vase. When I came back, Harry was wandering around the office. When he saw me, he commented, "Nice place. Looks as if you're doing well." I nodded, "I am. (Sitting and motioning him to a chair across my desk.) And you?" Before he could answer my receptionist came in and smiled, "Good morning, Doctor Sims." Her smile was infectious and I began to wonder if that was why I had hired her. "Good morning. Nancy, this man wants to take one of our ecology seminars. What's the next one out?" "Pete's escorting some EPA officials on the fifth of next month." Harry wasn't pleased, "Nothing earlier?" I shook my head, "Sorry, Harry." He leaned forward, "What about a private tour?" I turned to Nancy, "Who's free?" She shook her head, "No one, ma'am." I looked at Harry, "I'm sorry that we can't accommodate you. Please try another time." I stood and added softly, "Like another four years." Harry responded in kind, "So that's it." Then more loudly, "I'm sorry we couldn't arrange something." He took my hand and looked into my eyes, "I hope I see you again before I leave." I saw Nancy watching us with a twinkle in her eye. I nodded, "Good day, Harry." He smiled and left. After he was gone Nancy gave me that "There's hope for you yet" smile. That evening when I arrived home there was a note and another bouquet. The note read "Please have dinner with me. I'll pick you up at 7:00." My housekeeper came from the kitchen, "I see you have found the flowers. Mr. Madison was here. He seems taken with you . . . Perhaps it's time you settled down." I smiled, "Settle down! A house, a business, isn't that settled enough?" I turned my attention to the mail next to the flowers. Ally stood next to me, "I have known you for three years. In that time, I have never seen you happy. Success, money, prestige are yours. You're respected the world over for your work. But you aren't happy, Caroline. You never are at rest with yourself and you never let anyone see the real you." I looked at her and then at the floor, "Put these in some water, please." Ally smiled, "Then you're going?" I shook my head, "No, but that's no reason to let these flowers die." Ally persisted, "But what do I tell Mr. Madison when he comes?" I turned to leave, "Tell him 'Thank you for the flowers'." I walked out the back door and up to my hill top. The view from there usually restored my equilibrium. Today, however, it did not. I returned to the house and dressed for the banquet. I was ready to leave when there was a knock on the door. Ally gave me a look that implied that I would have to open it myself. I did and there was Harry in a tuxedo. He smiled, "I see you're ready for the banquet." I looked around for Ally but she had conveniently disappeared. Harry caught my glance, "Don't blame her, Caroline. I forced it out of her . . . Besides you need an escort." I didn't know what to say so I grabbed my coat and walked out the door. Outside was a Mercedes, "You've done well, Harry." He only opened the door and waited until I was settled in. We were nearly at the restaurant before he spoke. "I made arrangements to join your seminar out the twenty-first." I looked at him, not really surprised, "A cancellation no doubt." The next week raced by with last minute preparations so I didn't see Harry until the morning of the departure. There were twelve passengers, a pilot, and myself. A small bush plane would take us into the mountains. It was my favorite place in Colorado and it was worth the trouble to see it. The passengers were all milling around waiting to board. I had just finished reviewing the baggage weight and fuel levels checks with the pilot. I turned to the passengers when Harry stepped in front of me, "You're not flying the plane yourself?" I shook my head, "No." He touched my arm, "Still got the shakes?" I looked at him, "I don't fly for the same reason you don't grow a beard." Harry stepped back, "Touché, Caro, touché." I looked in his eyes, "Harry, I left that life behind. Completely behind." He looked at the far horizon, "Can any of us leave anything completely behind?" He was talking more to himself than to me so I didn't answer. Twenty minutes into the flight Harry came to sit by me. He put out his hand, "Friends?" I looked at his extended hand for a moment then took it, "So how have you been?" Harry laughed, "Busy. Running from my past and from . . . I came here to ask you why you didn't tell the police about us." I looked straight ahead, "I told you before, Harry. I would have done the same for Hitler. You may or may not have been guilty. I was the only one I could witness to that suffered because of you. And that was only a maybe . . . If I had told the police, you wouldn't have been able to escape. Is that the right word, Harry?" He nodded very slowly, "Yes, that's the right word. For what I did and for what you're doing. Giving up your career in aviation and coming here, to Colorado, to hide." I shook my head, "You're wrong, Harry. I wasn't running from something but to something." His manner grew cold, "Oh, really? And have you found it?" I nodded, "Part of it. Dreams don't come true until you work at them, Harry." He took my hand and caressed it in both of his, "Did you know that you don't limp when you dance?" I had to smile at the abrupt change of subject. Harry was also smiling, "You did look beautiful in that white gown. The Colorado sun's been good to you." I laughed, "You're not exactly the whitest white man I've ever seen." It was his turn to laugh. It was good to hear laughter again. I felt freer then than I had in many years. The friendly banter continued between us well after the plane had landed and we were making camping for the night. After dinner I gave my usual lecture on techniques for taking ecological samples. As I spoke my eyes returned again and again to Harry and in spite of myself, I was glad that he had come. Early the next morning we were hiking through the mountains and then I saw them - two biohazard containers perched on a hillside above the Colorado river. I stopped and stared. Then cold realty settled in - if those containers slipped into the river hundreds of wildlife would die and the major source of water for two states would be contaminated. I called a rest stop and then walked over to Harry. "There are two biohazard containers near here. I want you to take the group back to the base camp, radio for an early pickup, and then get a patch to this emergency number." I handed him the civil emergency phone number for Colorado. Harry looked angry, "And what are you going to do?" I glanced towards the river, "Shore the containers in place before they contaminate the river." Harry grabbed my arm, "If one of them opens . . ." I put my hand over his, "I don't know what's in those containers. I might die or I might not. I'll be careful . . . (Feeling frustrated) Harry, I need you to get those people out of here. Please." He nodded. I smiled to him, "Don't take any chances, Harry." He looked at me, "I'm coming back for you." I nodded, "I know." He turned and walked away. In minutes the group was headed back to the base camp and I was standing near the containers. There was no break in the container - yet. But the recent rains had loosened the soil under them. That made walking around the containers dangerous. I looked around, found a secure tree, and then tied one end of my nylon rope to it. I started down the hill toward the containers, using the rope for balance. Once I reached the containers I slipped the rope around the bottommost portions and began making my way up hill again. Without the use of the rope to steady me, this trip took much longer. It was a full hour before I reached the tree again. My fingers were numb as I tied the rope to the tree. Once done I sat down and waited. A little later it began to rain. A chill settled on me, a chill that had nothing to do with the dampness. I watched as the containers started settling even further in the dirt. It was obvious that help would not arrive before the containers broke free from the rope. I started down the hill again. The rain began in earnest. When I reached the containers, I tried to lift them so I could pull the rope belt higher. I slipped and my arm was pinned under a container. I tried pushing against it but the sodden ground didn't provide enough leverage. I was trapped. My only hope was that help would arrive soon but darkness was falling and with it my hope for release. I was about to give up when the pitch black of the night was cut by a brilliant search light. I shielded my eyes against the light but still could not see who was approaching. Soon, however, I felt someone near me, freeing my arm, and raising me to a sitting position. Waves of dizziness washed over me. When I opened my eyes, I was watching Harry applying a compress to my shoulder. He smiled, "I told you I'd be back." He looked at the rescue team some distance away, then whispered, "That crack I made about you running away, I'm sorry." I nodded, "We both have things to be sorry for. Let's just forget it." He grew pensive, "I'm not sure we can." I tried to get up but the blackness was setting in again. "Harry, the group?" He looked tired, "Safe back home with one hell of a story to tell. I don't want to leave you again." I could barely hear him, "What did you say, Harry?" Slowly I lost feeling. First in my shoulder then spreading to the rest of my body. Finally, I couldn't move at all, even my thoughts were sluggish. Dimly, I saw Harry's face. He was saying something but I couldn't make out the words. I woke up in the cargo section of a helicopter. Harry was looking at me, "Don't worry. You're going to be all right. This is Doctor Reimbold . . ." The helicopter heaved against a down draft and the pain of the movement obliterated Harry's words, "What? . . . What?" I was struggling to open my eyes. I felt someone holding my good shoulder. A voice slowly became clear. It was Harry. "Caro, I'm here. It's all right. You're safe in a hospital. Don't fight it, Caro. Sleep if you want to. Everything's fine. Nothing . . . " Nothing. That was what I felt. Nothing. When I finally opened my eyes I was in a hospital room. The blinds were drawn against the bright Colorado sun. I slowly tried to move my arms and legs. As soon as I tried my left arm, the pain came back. I laid back and waited for the pain to stop. After a moment, the door opened. It was Harry - unshaven, crumpled but still Harry. He was trying to be quiet. I spoke, "Harry, the group . . ." He smiled, "Oh, hello. They're fine, Caro. They all enjoyed it so much they didn't even ask for refunds." He sat in a chair next to the bed. "But how are you?" I shrugged then immediately regretted it. "What's wrong with us, Harry? Every time we're together someone gets hurt." Harry shook his head. I went on, "Twelve lives depended on me and I . . ." I reached up and touched Harry's unshaven face. "A little dangerous to be seen like that isn't it?" He took my hand in his. "Not any more. A team of biophysicists just published their work. They're at least five years ahead of Roberts and me. So you see, my dear, I'm passé, old fashioned, out of date, no longer in demand. Well sleeping beauty, not even a kiss for the knight in shining armor?" I looked toward the window and the bright sunshine. "How long have I been . . ." "Five days. You came to on the plane and then again last night." "You've been here five days straight? Why?" "Oh, I don't know. Duty maybe. Never did like to leave things unfinished." "Close one, eh, Harry?" "Yeah, too close. You'd better get some sleep. You've got a company to run, reports to publish, money to raise." "You've been looking into my affairs." "Or rather your lack of them. Forgive me, Caro, but you've excluded yourself from people too long. You can't blame yourself for what happened seven years ago." "Excluding myself? You yourself just spouted off a list of things . . ." "Things. Not people! Caro, I'm talking about deep personal relationships. Except for Ally and Nancy you let no one come close to you. And even they aren't as close to you as they want to be. You've buried yourself and your guilt in your work . . ." He looked at the floor and then at me, "I've said too much as usual. Forgive me, Caro. It's just because I . . ." Again he looked at the floor, "You'd better get some rest." The day I was to leave the hospital, Harry came to see me. I was at the desk filling out the forms when suddenly he was standing at my side. "Hi" was all he said. "Hi," was my response. He smiled, "You're looking good. I came to ask you if you needed a ride home." "Ask? What happened to the Harry who just made arrangements?" He looked penitent, "Every time I come into your life you get hurt. This time I want to give you a chance to say no." "I said 'no' to you once before, Harry. And as I recall you died a few hours later." "All the more reason for you to say yes. Seriously, Caro, it's your decision. I won't come back into your life unless you want me to." I glanced down at the floor, "I thought about what you said the last time I saw you." "Forget that, Caro. I was tired, anxious . . ." "No, Harry. I can't forget it. You were right. You made me see what Nancy and Ally were telling me for years." I smiled at Harry's uneasiness, an easiness that was so out of character with the man, "Yes, Harry, I want you back in my life." Harry looked surprised and then he too smiled, "You know what I love about you, Caro?" I shook my head. "Everything." He smiled, "We're going to be all right. We're going to be all right."
Copyright © 2006 Valerie Gawron |