Storymania - Falling Free by Sarah-Ashleigh Jones-West

Falling Free
Sarah-Ashleigh Jones-West

“When you don’t want to feel, death can seem like a dream, but seeing death…really seeing it makes dreaming about it ridiculous.”
Elwood’s first tears of remorse skied down his cheek as he hauled her bloated, bloodstained body from the scarlet water. Soaked auburn hair clung to her ashen face and nightdress as she separated from the bathwater and lay unanimated in his arms. Her mutilated wrists fell past her sides. The disturbed blade dropped from the porcelain rim to the dingy tiled floor creating a vermilion streak where it landed. Elwood took the lifeless woman’s hand and placed it against his cheek as if his tears could replenish the warmth in her veins. But she was gone and Elwood began to finally understand the enormity of what he’d done.
Heavy rainfall predicted. Elwood Carter took no chance and carried his deep grey umbrella at his waist as he travelled down a New York street to the press room. Mr Daniels was on his case again for missing deadlines and a paltry attitude to his column. As if a positive attitude was essential for writing obituaries. He probably would have handed his notice in years ago if it wasn’t for Claire. Her evanescent spirit kept Elwood cemented to life; nothing meant more to him than his eyes connecting with hers. Just one glance at her magnetic blue eyes and their souls would dance together. Just making her smile caused the rest of the world to dissolve. She illuminated his life 7 years ago when Daniels hired her for local news and Elwood had loved every breath of her since. Glossy, long, honey locks, perfect rosy complexion and supple ornamental lips. Elwood drowned in her beauty. He could never approach her and express his prevailing love; even his overwhelming desire to confess couldn’t encourage him to unleash the truth. He left himself an electric whirlwind of emotions, which was sharply extinguished by regret when Claire fell in love too. With someone else. The love of his life, reason to continue, Elwood’s saviour married Stuart Daniels and his teleological existence burned at his feet.
The clouds were inky and fat with rain as he instinctively stared up at them just as the first few beads of rain descended on his brow. He ran his hand through his coarse dark hair and down his face feeling the lazy growth as his fingertips passed his cheek. He opened the umbrella.
After another painful day writing good-byes for people he had never met, heard of or would even care about, Elwood now had to spend Valentine’s night with the people who all day he wanted to escape from. Reprimanded once again, so omitting the office Valentines party was clearly not an astute decision. The only bright side was he got to see Claire outside of work, an encounter which was becoming an increasing rarity now that she was bound to Daniels. But to his frustration they left early leaving him alone in the unfamiliar Irish themed pub. His bitter silence was interrupted by a soft voice behind him.
“Are you in love with her?” he spun around and gazed up at a fresh faced, red headed woman holding a ‘Cupid Cocktail’ in each hand.
“Excuse me!” demanded Elwood in his resonant tone.
“That blonde woman I saw you sitting with, do you love her?” the striking woman persisted.
“I don’t think that’s really…” he was interrupted.
“OK, whatever, I’m bored of talking about her now!” She said as she slumped into the seat beside him. “I’m Lilly.” She presented her hand for Elwood to shake, he stared at it. She tossed her long, rippling red hair over her shoulders but it glided back to its original position.
“I saw you with your friends. You’re quite the conversationalist!” She joked.
“How old are you?” Elwood quickly responded.
“Old enough. How old are you?” Lilly quipped.
“Too old for you!”
“That’s the spirit! Now we’re bantering!” She laughed. Elwood couldn’t resist laughing too.
“I’m Elwood.” He grinned.
Over time Elwood and Lilly’s relationship bloomed and then wilted. Elwood adored Lilly’s vitality, zest for life and freedom. He wished he could be free like her. But she wasn’t free. At night her dreams taunt her of what she’s not. “Sometimes I dream that I can fly, but when I try I fall.” She lay across Elwood’s lap as they watched the tides and the seagulls flying towards the horizon.
“What happens after you fall?” he brushed the stray hairs from her face.
“You catch me.” She smiled. Elwood thought of Claire.
Lilly put her arms around Elwood’s waist and held him tightly as if she thought the tide would carry him away from her. He cherished that Lilly needed him and how fragile he was to her, it was a feeling he had never been on the receiving end of. That was, for Elwood, where his affection for Lilly laid. Her frailty was her beauty. But she was a caged animal desperate to be released to find where she belongs. Like Elwood, she knew how her life should be, that she was either destined for greater things or will eventually crumble into nothing. She was jaded with life and needed something else, which she hoped was in Elwood. This hope echoed his love for Claire.
The exact replica of the 1969 rocket ship was always Elwood’s favourite exhibition. It reminded him of the courage and victory of men and how anything is possible. He ran his hand over the white painted steel and stared up at the nose of the rocket and imagined himself when he was a child dreaming of walking on the moon and the endless possibilities. Lilly persisted for Elwood to take her to the Natural Science Museum, one of his favourite places to be. He hesitated to take her because it was his sanctuary from his life and taking Lilly tainted it. Elwood had imagined showing Claire his passion and the idea seemed even more isolated from him as he walked the Museum corridors with Lilly.
“I prefer the Aquarium. I think I was a fish in a past life. The openness of the ocean is therapeutic. I’m so tired of New York, don’t cha just wanna get away?” She turned from the model display of the universe to face Elwood. She put her arm on his waist. “Let’s go to China,” she beamed.
“China…as in the country?” bemused Elwood
“Yeah! You ever been?”
“No, I can’t, I’ve got work to think about,”
“But you hate work, just quit and come to China with me!” She dragged his eyes to link with hers.
“I can’t. I have responsibilities,” he said, clearing his throat afterwards.
“If you love me, you’ll come, we can get away, be free together!”
“We can’t just leave.” Elwood’s eyes fell away from hers.
“Why? Don't you love me?” Lilly asked through her desiring smile. Elwood starred at the rocket ship, wishing he could take to the sky. Her smile turned to desperation. “Elwood?” her voice trembled “Do you love me?”
“I can’t do this now, lets go somewhere to talk?” his sanctuary had already been breached and was now disintegrating before him.
“No! What are we to you?” She screamed, suddenly the rocket wasn’t the only thing on public display.
“Do you want me to lie to you? Is that what you want? You can never accept anything for how it is, you have to dream and want!” Returning the tone.
“I can’t take this.”
“So go!” He said in quick retaliation. And with that she grabbed his shoulders and forced him into the display of the universe causing the light acting as the sun to break behind him and shatter on the marble floor and the model planets to plunge into un-natural darkness. Lilly fled in a rage washing the way with tears as Elwood’s disdainful dismissal had left her shattered with the light of the universe on the cold floor.
Elwood would have slept well that night if it wasn’t for an uncanny dream. He dreamt Lilly was standing atop of the Museum with her arms spread like wings, her hair dancing in the warm wind and her satin nightdress swirling around her ankles. Her face was relaxed and content; her skin was sheer like porcelain. Elwood gazing up at her from the ground. She let herself move with the breeze and began to fall, plummeting steadily downwards towards Elwood. He instinctively reached out his arms and caught her. Cradling her he tenderly said her name and she turned her head and smiled. The dream would have been tranquil had he not looked into her face and seen her once luminous jade eyes now vacant and starless, he awoke with a shudder.
After no answer, he began pounding at her door, calling her name, pleading for her to open it. He tried the handle, it clicked and to his surprise it opened. The room was icy, the windows frosted from the cold. The unforgiving silence pained his ears. He asked for her. Still no reply. The only light in the room came from the side lamp on a writing desk in the corner. On the desk stood a lonely envelope with Elwood’s name printed on it. He lifted the envelope trembling as it got closer to him. He took the paper out and let the envelope fall to the ground. Unfolding it gently he began reading what was written.

Elwood,
If you had held my hand and kissed my mouth,
And been brave enough to embrace me,
You could have made it all right.
With Love
Lilly

A surge of panic extended down his spine and his mind raced with dark thoughts and an obscure sense of something like love passed through his arteries.
His eyes swelled as he noticed a faint light coming from an ajar bathroom door. The letter dropped from his fingertips as he walked towards the light.
Elwood watched as the black hearse drove through the cemetery gates and halted at the island where he was stood. The clouds rumbled with close thunder and opened with a rupture of rain. The water streamed on him but he barely noticed. He made his way to the burial area and stood beside her gravestone. He released the white lily he held in his hand, it fell steadily downwards towards her coffin. If you had held my hand and kissed my mouth. Elwood’s mind was a haze. And been brave enough to embrace me. “I know, I know.” He whispered as the rain began to slow. The warm wind feathered wet plumage across his feet. He allowed the wind to stir him away.
The knock on the door awoke Claire from her sleep. She put on her bathrobe and fixed back her hair as she moved gradually to the door. Opening, she viewed Elwood standing soaked and pale, his eyes sunk into his weary face. On first glance she embraced him and wiped the wet from his face. Elwood quivered as she touched him.
“I heard about your friend, I tried calling but there was no answer.” Her voice full of concern. Elwood gazed down at her feet. “I’m so sorry. Do you want to come in?” She held his arm.
“Is Stuart in?” he coughed as he spoke.
“He’s sleeping.” Her eyes searching for his.
“I need to tell you something.” He said as their eyes met. She reached out for his hand but Elwood had already taken hers. “Seeing her like that showed me what I was. I’m a coward Claire, hiding in seclusion, afraid to feel. I know what its like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. When you don’t want to feel, death can seem like a dream, but seeing death…really seeing it makes dreaming about it ridiculous.” His eyelids trembled as a tears started cascading down his cheeks. She wiped them away. “If I had the courage to love her back, had the courage to dream myself, she would still be here.”
“It’s not your fault Elwood. You can’t control other people’s emotions.” She said trying his other hand but he held an opened envelope. She looked at it and he brought it into clear sight.
“It’s hers. From the Museum. I gave them her details.” He held the envelope to his chest. “I refused to pay the fine for her so they’re calling her to court.” New tears began descending down his misty face. He held the envelope out for Claire to see the front. “Her name wasn’t Lilly. It was Alice Cain. She moved from town to town. She was alone. She was alone and I made her feel even more abandoned. I dream about her, what I did to her taunts me. It’s the day of her funeral and I’m here with you. ”Claire squeezed his hand. “I can’t keep denying my feelings. I have to tell you the truth. It’s destroying me.” He leant in close.