Journal Entries Journal Entries August 1. 2AM. Bedroom. I was so scared. Every time I sleep I enter a nightmare that worsens and worsens. He never came home. He never left. He would never be alive again. Never. Never. Then I jump awake in a cold sweat. Every night it was same thing. I could never sleep the same. During the day I worry about what he sees, why he has to fight? Was he scared, sad, angry? Was he thinking about me? Oh how I wish he would hold me again, and kiss me, play with my hair, blow in my ear, massage my shoulders, and smile at my face. Will he come home soon? Where is he? My nightmares start with our love perfect and end with our love being destroyed. His face, and body, is shot and scarred. My heart, my stomach, punched and broken alike. Oh why can’t he be here in my arms? So I can hold him, massage his head, rub his shoulders, whisper love to him and kiss his face. Why did he leave? Why did he have to go? Will he come back? Will he be perfect, all right, alive? Oh my love. Oh my sweet, sweet love. Please come home to me. Listen to me, thinking of doubts, speaking of worries, living in fear. This is exactly what he told me not to do. How dare I! Of course he will come back. He told me he would. Of course he is alive. Nothing can harm him. He is invincible, untouchable, the strongest man alive. The strongest man I know. That is why I need him now. I need him to be strong, to be here with me. But I will not doubt. I will not worry. He will come back. I will see him again. I will not let my heart be destroyed. Of this, I am confident. Our love will sustain. Somewhere in Greece. October 23. 11PM I am so afraid. Not of war or death. But of not being able to see my love again, my one, my only. How I wish I could touch her soft, milky white skin and smell her hair. Her beautiful smile covers her face like the stars cover the sky, but her beauty does not compare to the sunset or sunrise. She is my sun., my light, my energy. The sweet feeling of victory does not compare to the sweet feeling of knowing she is near. My heart longs for her. My soul is incomplete without her. How I wish to be whole again. How I long to hold her, kiss her, run my fingers through her hair. How I long to her laugh, see her smile, touch her skin. I want to carry her across the beach into a world where only we exist. Our world, our time. When will it come? She keeps me going. She keeps me alive. She is my purpose, the reason I have to fight! How I love her. I will protect her and hold her again! I will not fail her or die! I will come back! Our love, will not quit! If it is faced with the highest mountain, we will climb over, or tunnel underneath. But it will exist. December 5. 6AM. Coffeehouse. I was walking to work as I always do. People were saying that is was a beautiful sunny day with a light breeze, but I did not notice. My days are always dark, filled with hurricanes of worries, and floods of tears. I got my cup of coffee. Charlie always has two sugars and just a little bit of cream. He used Sweet-N-Low too; he did not care much about ‘science riffraff’. He knows what he likes and does not care what people say. He always made me laugh, but I don’t laugh that much anymore. I have no reason to. I am always overjoyed to talk to him, but it always hurts too. The very first time he called, I was so excited when he said ‘hi’. But by the time I finished exclaiming ‘Charlie!’ I found a dial tone. He only had thirty seconds to explain, and I didn’t listen. I had forgotten that he said he would not be able to talk long, and my joy turned into sorrow. I wish I had just stopped and listened so I would not have to guess at what he said. But then, was he excited to hear me exclaim his name? Near the Baltic Sea in Bulgaria. Cafeteria. December 5. 6AM. I was walking towards the cafeteria, as I always did and grabbed my cup of coffee that was already specially made for me. Lily always had coffee in the morning. We would often meet up to have coffee together. She always took hers with one sugar pack of natural sugar. The health fanatic I would call her. I remember every single hour- sometimes hour and a half long conversations we would have. Some would make us laugh - they still do today - and some would make us cry - we still haven’t found the comedy in it yet - probably never will. Lily and I always had a lot of laughs, but we didn’t laugh much after I told her I was leaving for war. March 19. 4PM. Work. I am so fast at answering that thing. It is always with me wherever I go. Whether it is clipped to my waist, in my hand or sitting next to me. Before that first ring is done I have already picked up the phone and spoken ‘hi’, and not ‘hello’, that takes to long. My cell phone number is especially for Charlie, nobody knows it but him. We use to be able to talk for hours. Now I carry a specific phone for him so I won’t miss his call. I am so grateful to hear him say, ‘hello’. I tell him I miss him and I love him. But it is so fast, I sometimes wonder if he knows I mean it. I really do mean it. I love him, and everything about him. I love to hear his voice, and I get lost in the words of romance he speaks to me. What can we do? When will he come home? I sit at my desk starting a day’s work. There isn’t an hour that passes by that I don’t think of him. Before he left we made a promise that every hour, on the hour, no matter what we are doing, no matter where we are, we would take at least the full minute to think about each other. That way, we think about each other at the same time and we feel full inside. I feel complete. I know he is thinking of me morning, noon, and night. Turkey. A slightly more comfortable foxhole. April 13. 3AM. Whenever I call her my heart soars above the clouds just to hear her greeting. Somehow she always knows when it’s me. Sometimes I don’t even get to ask her how she is doing, and what is going on in her life. I love to hear her voice. Now that we have a minute and thirty seconds to talk, we take turns. She says what she has to say in one minute and then I talk in the last thirty seconds. Then, we disconnect. Most of the time we say we love and miss each other. The other stuff is left for letters. Sometimes I want to damn the phone to hell, but I always remember that if it weren’t for the phone, I wouldn’t be able to hear her at all. I could only see her writing, and imagine everything else. So I damn Satan, and war, and all evil. May 12. 7AM. Bedroom. I have a feeling he’s coming home soon. I can hear the excitement in his voice; hear the impatience, the longing. When we talk he no longer says he misses me. He says he can’t wait to see me. I know him too well and I don’t want to ruin his surprise. I just know, that’s all I can say, I just know when he is coming him. It’s like my very soul can feel him. The tear in my heart begins to mend because my other half is drawing near. Italy.. Office. July 19. 5PM. The most important part of my day is the hour, on the hour. Of course, I think about her for more than twenty-four a day. And I do not have to worry about thinking about of her on the hour while I sleep, for I dream of her always, from the moment I close my eyes to the second I awaken. I see her watching over me like an angel with her halo of hair. She is there, waiting, faithfully, loyally. Ahh, how I love her. I never want to open my eyes out of fear that I won’t be able to see her again. But then I feel the warmth of the sun on my face and know that she is my sun. She is also my moonlight in the dark. Nothing can sustain me more than the fact that I know we will be reunited soon. I will hold her again; I will go home to her soon. But I must not get her hopes up, keep it as a surprise, just in case. But it is so hard to keep things from her. August The phone rings and I answer it before the first ring is complete. I had just come back from a meeting. “Hi!” I knew it was him, Ht felt so close. “Hi!” She looks so beautiful, more beautiful than in my dreams. “I love you.” I sit down; confused as to why he is taking so long, it was his turn for a full minute. “I love you too, beautiful.” I start bouncing on the balls of my feet; she hasn’t figured it out yet. He can see me! Oh no he can see me! My hand flies to fix my hair, and I turn to look into the mirror behind my desk. “I said, you look beautiful.” Their eyes interlocked, both misty. He bends low and they share a kiss that they both have been longing for forever but were denied because they were always a phone call away.
Copyright © 2005 Silver Fox |