Her By Stephen Knight "Her" Beep Beep Beep Beep, the alarm sounds. Another year of school. Another year of waking up bright and early each day to learn the days away. He routinely goes to the cafeteria with his friends to pick up his last schedule. Senior year. Not one of the popular kids but he's fine with that, he has great friends, great family, and a great personality. Time ticks by as he wanders class to class until finally he reaches his last period. He didn't know it yet, but what would happen in that classroom would change him forever. The door opens on a new classroom. He surveys the room and picks the back desk, as always. He looks around to see all new classmates with a few familiar faces thrown in. Quietly he listens as the teacher takes roll for the first time. "here"..."here"... Finally she calls his name, he raises his hand to indicate his presence, she nods and moves on. But as she moved down the list, his eyes caught the most amazing thing he would ever see. She was sitting 2 rows over to his left, absolutely beautiful with her deep, hazel eyes and welcoming smile. He knew from that moment on, he would never want anything in life more than he would want her. He could only sit there in awe as he basked in her beauty. She was new to the school but fit in like she'd been there for years, easily talking and joking with others. His heart burned with passion as he took her in, every gorgeous detail from her hair to her toes. He had seen girls he'd liked before, but this.. was different. Days passed but he was far too shy to talk to her. Every moment in that classroom was heaven, just to be near her. So unique, so funny, so herself. He finally learned her name and listened as she talked about herself with others. The more she revealed, the more his interest in her grew. As several weeks went by, the only thing he could think about was asking her out. But that was definatley not going to happen because he already knew the answer. What did he have to offer her? Surely she could do so much better than me, he thought. So he simply sat there day after day, wishing. The semester went on, and he was slowly becoming more and more confident. After about a month he finally decided to start talking to her. So he slid in near her and joined in the conversation. He was ecstatic. Her voice was angelic, she was so full of energy, so happy and outgoing. This solidified his feelings for her but also increased his doubt that she would like him. The semester moved on and more and more he became engaged in her conversations until they were good friends. She would come over to his desk and talk, and he would do the same. Talking about literally everything, joking, sharing stories. But this is where he made the decision that would affect him forever. The decision to completely fall for her, the girl he could never have. School is out for winter break. He sits at home playing video games, watching movies, and texting with the girl from his 5th hour class. He was happy he would see her again the following semester and even more happy that they were good friends. He began texting her more and more and they would have long conversations about the most random stuff. The more he got to know her, the more amazed he became with her. She was exactly like him, he realized, the same music, the same humor, the same movies. If he was presented the opportunity to make the perfect girl for himself, and have her exactly as he wanted her, he could not have done a better job than God did when he made her. He loved every aspect of her, from her brilliant smile to her contagious laughter, he was in love. A week passed. Christmas came and went. Soon he found that all he could think about was her. He realized that over the duration of Christmas break, he had been happier than he had ever been in his life, simply by thinking of the girl from class. New years eve. Celebrating with his family, he counted down the seconds. "2009!!" his family cheered. As he downed his sparkling cider he realized he had yet to make a new years resolution. He thought back about the previous weeks and realized that his optimism and constant happiness were causing him to experience life like never before. He could not be discouraged, no words could hurt him, nothing could annoy him. He was living stress free and happy. A resolution was made to keep his new outlook on life and stay happy all the time. This lasted one week. The following Wednesday, he was sitting in the living room eating dinner when suddenly a thought entered his mind. He would ask her out. What was the worst she could say? No? He began thinking feverishly about what to do, what to say, and whether to even ask at all. So before he could doubt himself or discourage himself from doing what he had wanted to do for months.. He simply sent a text, straight forward, asking her if she would be with him. He failed to realize what would happen if she did say no. She had become the main driving force behind his happiness, his motivation for everything he did. He would wake up each morning thinking, "I get to see her today!", and smiling to himself he would get up out of bed, get dressed, and head off to school, happy as can be. She was the reason he could not be angered or annoyed. The simple thought of him being with her could power him through anything life, or the people in it, could throw at him. He sat on his bed nervously awaiting the reply. It was then that he realized the impact her next words would have on him. He stared off in thought - he wanted her more than anything in this world. He would give his right arm without hesitation if it meant being with her. But what if she doesn't like me back... he wondered. Then his phone buzzed in his hands. The most nerve-racking moment passed before he glanced down to see her name and the words that followed. After reading the message a few times through, it sunk in as the words echoed in his hollow mind. "I just don't see a relationship between us". He quickly replied in a neutral tone letting her know he wasn't mad at her and that he'll be fine - before his brain could register the situation. Pressing send, the phone drops from his hands as he breaks down. He sits there lifelessly, crying to himself. An hour passes before he lays asleep, tears in his eyes. The next day he woke at 11:30 smiling. Until the memory of last night surfaced and the smile fell off his face. He proceeded to lay there, staring at the ceiling thinking about everything while at the same time thinking about nothing. He lays In bed for hours, motionless... emotionless. Day gave way to night and still he sat mourning. He would never be with her. He would never be able to show her his true self, to show her how much he cares. He had lost all motivation in life. If he couldn't enjoy life with her, what was there to do? He remained in bed all night, without a wink of sleep, thinking still about all the things wrong with him and how he was so foolish to have even considered himself worthy of someone like her. Or anyone for that matter. Another day passed and he went through his daily routines and chores lifelessly and reluctantly. He lost motivation to talk with his friends, his phone sat powered off on the nightstand. Lost motivation to eat, going on two days. And lost all self-worth. Saturday. Work today, he thought. He gets up, showers, changes, heads to work. He puts the biggest, happiest mask he can manage over his emotions and punches in for the day. He realized he wasn't doing a very good job covering up his distress when several coworkers ask him what's wrong. Better not drag anyone else into this so he replies, "I'm fine, really, just tired". Hours pass, day fades to night, customers more and more scarce. It was then that one of his closest friends asked him what was really bothering him. He decides to tell her, she is a great listener and would give valuable advice. After a quick summary, she sympathizes with him and tries to cheer him up. After a long talk, the time comes for them to go home. She gives him a friendly hug and says goodnight. He returns home, thinking about what had been said through the night. Days pass. He is as bad as ever and every moment he spends by himself is making things worse. The last night of Christmas break ticks by slowly and he manages to catch a few winks before his alarm sounds at 5:30. He slowly, and reluctantly steps into the shower, then dresses, then heads off to school, having eaten once in the past 5 days and slept 10 hours. But what did it matter? First hour. Second hour. Third hour. Lunch. And finally he arrives at his last class. He let's out a moan before opening the door and taking his seat. As students file in, he sees his dream girl take her seat smiling and cheerful. His heart catches fire with agony and a single tear rolls down his cheek as he puts his head down on his desk. Again questions as to why he's so quiet and uninterested with everything. Again he tries to pass it off as lack of sleep and everyone seems to buy it. Three long, agonizing weeks slowly roll past as he goes through the motions of each day lifelessly. He is very, very slowly improving and is finally able to talk with the girl without teetering on the edge of his sanity. It is very important to him that she doesn't feel bad for saying no. If she doesn't want to be with him that is her decision. He seeks advice from two other great friends and they give him very encouraging advice that, in addition to his first friends words, pushes him out of his inconsolable depression and restores him to just.. Discontent. He thanks his friends for helping him through his time of need and tries desperately to get his life back on track. He realized he was living with false hope when he tricked himself into thinking he stood a chance with her, he knew no matter who he asked they would have had the same answer. He realized after he graduates.. he would never see her again, which is a thought he couldn't bear. He would love to just ask her once more, ask her to just give him a chance to show who he really is. Finally reaching the conclusion that just because he wants her doesn't mean she has to want him back. He would learn to accept it. Finally. A faint light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. He hangs out with friends, he plays some video games, listens to music, still not happy, but life is livable. He has concluded the following: A) he can not be with her, B) he must just see her as a friend, and C) he has to try everything to forget his feelings for her. The three things he never, ever wants to do, but for the sake of his sanity and emotions.. has to. ------------------------------ "I said, are you gonna hang out after school or not?" says his best friend in first hour. He apologizes, "yah, sure". He seems to be lost in thought most of the time these days. Mostly he is just trying to keep himself numb, and keep his emotions in check. Weeks, now, have passed since he recovered from the devastating depression. His life has been going great the last few days and he should be having the time of his life, enjoying every second of it. But it's like a switch has been turned off. Even though he is extremely happy, there is a small part of him that won't let him enjoy it. No matter what great stuff happens to him, it just feels... Neutral. Well, that's better than feeling the despair of the last weeks. With most of his time spent thinking to himself, he thinks the only way to fill this gap left by this other girl is to find another. If he has a girlfriend, he will assume a 'taken' mindset and change the way he sees other girls, lessening the heartbreak. He had always wanted a girlfriend, someone to share his life with. Someone that he could love unconditionally an have someone to do the same. Maybe it was time he gathered the courage to put himself out there and find the right girl. He sits at home after school each day and tries to entertain himself any way he can. His numbness makes everything boring and his choices are limited. He can't really listen to music because every one of his new favorite songs are ones that remind him directly of her. Can't talk about stuff that reminds him of her, which unfortunately is a lot. So a lot of time is spent simply sitting there staring at the screensaver of his computer, lost deep in thought. To be continued...
Copyright © 2009 Stephen Knight |