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Purge - Goodbye
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TITLE (EDIT)
Purge - Goodbye |
DESCRIPTION
-
[487 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Mind |
AUTHOR
Briony Carvalho |
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ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
just me
[January 2008] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (36)
Autumnal Longings (Poetry) Just got a whiff of blackberries and I remembered my place in the woods where I went to think. [104 words]
Bananas (Short Stories) A very short short story [180 words] [Animal]
Brit Boys (Poetry) As promised Curious! [240 words]
Butterfly Love (Poetry) - [90 words]
Changing (Poetry) Can't ever decide anything - just jotted down the meanderings of my mind! [120 words]
Chorus Of Love (Poetry) My first attempt at a proper old school rhyming poem - one about losing 'the one' [116 words]
Destiny (Poetry) Waffly brain fart about how going back is easier than picking yourself up and moving on [153 words]
Dreams Of Reality (Novels) Thought I'd give it a try... opening chapter of a plot I've been thinking about for a long time. [659 words]
Eternal (Poetry) - [80 words]
Four Little Words (Poetry) Out the words tumble - this one is about relationships. [114 words]
He Laughs At Me (Poetry) OK being told off for not posting so here's a rubbish poem for you. [86 words]
Healing The Pain (Poetry) That feeling of uselessness you get when someone gets bad news. [105 words]
Heartbreaker (Poetry) Another attempt at rhyming - bit of a jokey one (makes a change from my terminally depressive ones!) [97 words]
How It Feels (Poetry) - [141 words]
I Cling To Hope (Poetry) Thank you MK, a little changed but still the sentiment is yours. [77 words]
I Haven't Got A Clue! (Poetry) Who does know the answers? [139 words]
Italy (Short Stories) this is a piece I've written for my Mum - PLEASE can you provide some feedback? [805 words]
Mouse Brain (Poetry) Weird little thing written whilst bored! [238 words]
Nidiot (Poetry) - [142 words]
Raindrops And Memories (Short Stories) - [804 words]
Reaching For The Moon (Poetry) Just a little thing I wrote in about ten seconds when a friend bowed down to everything her bloke wanted. [96 words]
Scourge Of The Future (Poetry) Inspired by Colin Baker - you can make a poem from anything, even an old lady rant at litter louts! [75 words]
Shall I Tell You What I Really Think? (Poetry) Grr angry poem. [94 words]
Sticky Taped Heart (Short Stories) - [844 words]
Swan Dive (Novels) A little attempt at the opening chapter of a comedy (loosely) based around me [418 words]
Swan Dive - Chapter 2 (Novels) Part two of my pants comedy novel. [1,553 words]
Swan Dive - Chapter 3 (Novels) Part 3 of my stupid novel - I will put it into the first person - when I can be bothered! [732 words]
Tears And Beauty (Poetry) Sad that people are so concerned with looks. [126 words]
The Final Battle (Short Stories) Read it and you'll see! Any comments on anything I do are hugely appreciated - even if it's just to tell me to give up! [348 words]
The Mythical Creature (Poetry) Bit cheeky! [94 words]
Tiny Dreams (Poetry) As with the rest.. five minutes of brain splurge! - please please review some of my stuff - even if you think it's utter bobbins! - just amended it to have less 'she's' in it, thanks KM for the advise... [150 words]
Verbosity (Poetry) Got bored and fancied writing a silly poem for a giggle! [53 words]
Waiting In Limbo (Poetry) For my mum. [89 words]
Where You Live (Poetry) Blah blah fed up of work! [151 words]
Who Knows What Tomorrow Will Bring (Poetry) - [68 words]
You're My Shoe! (Poetry) How I feel. [83 words]
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Purge - Goodbye
Briony Carvalho
I hate daylight. It pushes back the shadows of paranoia and fear and exposes the truth, the truth that everything you do is marred by your past, by your fears and hates. I spend my life expecting to fail and when it goes right a light goes off in my head and I wake up shaking and crying with it all fallen down around me. As if I have to prove that I was right to fear failure the whole time. I hurt people in some crazy cry for help that ends up leaving me worse off and them suffering.
Waking up from a doped up sleep and seeing him above me, on me, in me, his voice telling me it’s a dream, go back to sleep. The groggy dawn in the haze between sleep and awake questioning the truth. The screams of fear that caused the neighbours to report ‘excessive noise’ and prompt a warning from the landlord turn to muffled saltiness in my pillow. This is how it was and whatever I do it comes back to this. The hidden bruises and wanted-to-be-believed apologies. The flowers and hugs which pressed on cracked ribs. He took what he wanted and carried on, his conscience unsullied by my fear. Unknowing that with each strike he took a bit of me. Dying day by day inside. The broken flat around me, an officer patting my hand and telling me to have a cup of tea and try and chat to him in the morning. Chat? The man who smashed my flat, threatened to kill me. The scars on my arms show my cry for help but I can and do hide it. Pasting on a smile and making people laugh. Curled up and crying in the night.
Everyone I’ve met I have ruined, forced my fears into a shape that fits them and lose track of where I’m heading and who they are. The words of love forever tainted with his shadow. I love you, I didn’t mean to, please forgive me. When things go right I hunt out the worst thing I can find, I look for failure or force failure into the relationship leaving me broken but with a feeling that for once I was right.
Why did I stay? I am weak, I believe that no-one could ever love me, because I wanted to prove I could make something last, I was afraid.
So I leave you with my awkward prose and poor poetry to head off somewhere else. Where? I don’t know where my depression will lead me but either way it will be sweet relief from the pain and fear of seeing him and the shadow of my failure at every turn. My advice? When it goes wrong, when things aren’t right, walk away and don’t look back or you will end up treading the path so deep that you can’t see how to get out.
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READER'S REVIEWS (9)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"This kept sending shivers down my spine when reading it. It shocked me a little and stopped me in my tracks completely. This clearly goes very deep indeed. Just thinking about what has happened in this is making me struggle to comment on it." -- PP, UK.
"well not sure which is the saddest, your story or you leaving. sorry to hear about them both but i guess you have to do what you think is right. you were fun to have around, well not that you were around all that much but you have a real nice sense of humor and you comments and poems were always fun to read. be nice if things work out for you, you're young and there's always the hope. i think i'll be joinin you in taking a storymania break, since they did away with the advisor section (something that was quite active before you came aboard) the site has lost a lot of the personal touch that made it fun and others, like yourself (not as cute of course) seem to come and go quite quickly. anyhow, keep trying to make things better and one day it will happen. good luck." -- curious.
"sorry for the couple of typo's, guess i had my mind in a cloud or something." -- curious.
"Uhhhh, you can't be talking about leaving storymania.......I mean, I don't understand a lot of what you have written if that's the case......I love reading your things...I love recieving your reviews.....I am just floored by this revelation here.....Please tell me I'm stupid and didn't get what you were trying to say. And I'm dreadfully sorry from the bottom of my heart for what happened to you." -- kwilt.
"Thank you so much for your words, made me feel that maybe I touch a lot more people than I think I do. It really means a lot to me. I just feel the words have dropped out of me at the moment. Who knows how long the break will last but I will keep following your stuff until I am inspired again. Curious, if you're ever in England or I'm ever in your neck of the woods I'll buy you a pint and Kendall, pop along for a JD as well...think we could all do with one to cope with all of this stuff called life! PP - wish I could have told you when it was happening but now you know - thanks for being there." -- Briony.
"Oh yeah, Curious...don't you dare give up or I won't come back!!" -- Briony.
"Deal" -- kwilt.
"Sad write...hugs for you...and if you ever get down south... I'll pour you a glass of homemade wine (since drinking seems to be a popular topic here lol). Don't have to post...but WRITE, it does help in the healing process. :)" -- mattie.
"We straight bet texas hold em blinds underdog advantage double vigorish? " -- texas hold em, texas hold em, texas hold em, texas hold em.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2006 Briony Carvalho |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
March 2006 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2876
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