ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
I like LSD... a lot! [April 2002]
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (4) Dr. Kitty's Adventures At The Movies (Children) CHURRAH! The Trilogy is nigh! Buy the Special Edition DVD and complete it! Dr. Kitty goes to see Passion of the Christ and learns a valuable lesson in public hygeine! Dr. Kitty's one smart dog, I say! [464 words] [Gay & Lesbian] Dr.Kitty's Adventures In Politics (Children) Dr.Kitty is a smart dog who talks to chairs. He likes to lick cars and skateboard on carpets. [148 words] [Gay & Lesbian] Dr. Kitty's Mexican Adventure (Children) Dr. Kitty is a smart dog who likes eating chiclets. CHICLETA! Watch him bring about the apocalypse with this long-awaited sequel to the year-old Dr. Kitty's Adventures in Politics! [255 words] [Gay & Lesbian] The Happy Happy Kids Who Liked To Play And Stuff (Children) The moral is in my pants. SPELI! [346 words] [Motivational]
Attacked! Tom River
Attacked!
[int. a strange lab in the middle of the desert]
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
Soon my experiment shall be finished. Jose, fetch me my spoon!
JOSE
Si, senor.
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
Don't preach to me, boy! I shall do what I want when I want to do it!
JOSE
But sir, the monster is alive!
[The monster breaks out of it's cage and starts being bad]
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
Damn you! Jose, kill him!
[Jose throws a rock at the monster. The monster falls over]
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
Good, we shall bury him out in the middle of the desert.
JOSE
But sir, that place is spooky.
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
Yes, it is spooky enough to destroy the world's angriest alien!
JOSE
I feel angered yet vulnerable.
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
Make love to me, my sweet sweet Cairo Rose.
[The professor and Jose are now making love. Jose is now a woman]
JOSE THE LADY
Thanky you for making me a lady. I is happy now.
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
Let us bury the body.
[They're driving now. They have a Ford truck. I like trucks]
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
I very enjoy driving.
JOSE THE LADY
Leggo my Eggo.
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
Sorry.
[Guggenheimz puts down Jose's Eggo]
PROF. GUGGENHEIMZ
I am going to stop driving now!
[Indeed he does. He than jumps out of the car, holding the alien monster he created]
JOSE THE LADY
How dare you betray me!
[The Ford explodes]
PROF. GUGGENHEINZ
Wait, I needed that.
[Guggenheinz begins digging. The hours pass by and soon he has dug a pretty damn big hole]
PROF. GUGGENHEINZ
That is a good casual hole. Now to begin building the other one.
[Guggenheinz begins digging. The hours pass by and soon he has dug another pretty damn big hole]
PROF. GUGGENHEINZ
I am sending you back to where you came from. This hole.
[Guggenheinz throws the body into the hole]
PROF. GUGGENHEINZ
Amen, freelance children.
[He than steals a car and drives back to the city]
PROF. GUGGENHEINZ
This is the happiest Volkswagen of all.
[Guggenheinz returns home where for once, he can live a life of drunkeness]
[INT. Cherry Haven, Arizona. Twenty years later]
TIMMY
I am now the best scientest of all!
PROF. HOOTSTANGLE
I warn you Timmy! Sometimes the best scientest is the worstest!
TIMMY
I fear not your supersticious theories, for I am manly and you are old.
PROF. HOOTSTANGLE
Not old enough to not be smart. I still listen to rap and watch the Wheel.
TIMMY
You remind me of my father, always putting me down and taking naughty
pictures of women!
PROF. HOOTSTANGLE
You is foolish.
TIMMY
Me and Mary are going to drive out to the desert for a picnic.
Want to come?
PROF. HOOTSTANGLE
Leave me be. I have essays to grade.
TIMMY
Suit yourself. We are going to eat sandwiches.
[Timmy is driving down a dark road. Mary sleeps in the passenger's seat. He looks
at her and smiles. Suddenly he sees a man lying in the road]
TIMMY
Sweet mamby-jambies!
[He quickly pulls the car over to the side of the road. He gets out of the car]
TIMMY
Who do you think you are Mr. Lying-around-guy!?
[The man does not answer back]
TIMMY
Get up. Quit faking and start talking.
MAN LYING IN ROAD
Fear him...
TIMMY
I am not feared. Quit trying to scare me.
[The man gets up. He is deformed like a hoo]
DEFORMED MAN
He will come for you. Like a parrot on a pirate's shoulder, you cannot
escape his cracker-eating wrath. Pray for redemption.
TIMMY
I is going to leave now. Think about what you've done.
[Timmy gets back into the car]
TIMMY
There was a scary man out there Mary. I'm going to run him over.
MARY
He is all in your head. Like your brain and veins and stuff.
[Timmy looks around and doesn't see him. He starts driving]
TIMMY
I know what I think I saw...
[Now they are having a picnic and eating sandwiches]
MARY
These sandwiches are delicious!
TIMMY
Yes.
MARY
Look over there!
[Mary points to something. Timmy looks. It is a hole]
TIMMY
A hole? In the desert? That is absurd, or perhaps, perfectly normal.
[They walk over to the hole and look inside]
MARY
There is an alien in there.
TIMMY
Aliens do not live in holes. They live in dens.
MARY
Dens are comfortable.
TIMMY
He appears to be dead. Let us take him to our picnic and study on him.
[They carry the alien to their picnic]
MARY
Should we feed him?
TIMMY
You know what happens if you give an alien a cookie.
MARY
...No, I don't.
TIMMY
I shall put electrodes into his eyes.
MARY
What'll that do?
TIMMY
Absolutely nothing. But it'll be pretty damned cool.
[Timmy takes out the electrodes and shoves them into two of the alien's eyes.
He starts shocking the alien]
MARY
I am scared.
TIMMY
The alien is moving.
[The alien gets up and starts getting all mean. Mary screams and runs off
into the desert]
TIMMY
Mary! I love you.
[Timmy turns around. The alien is hotwiring his car]
TIMMY
Hey, that's my Pinto!
[The alien drives off]
TIMMY
To start walking!
[Timmy starts walking back to Cherry Haven]
[INT. Cherry Haven Sheriff Department]
SHERIFF McCOY
Somebody has been causing chaos with a Ford Pinto.
DEPUTY VALDEZ
Who?
SHERIFF McCOY
A monster.
DEPUTY VALDEZ
Monsters do not exist. Just like Macauly Culkin, it is only a product
of the paranoid mind.
SHERIFF McCOY
You skeptics anger yet please me. The monster's on Maple
Street right now. Hurry!
[Valdez gets into his squad car]
VALDEZ
I do not like monsters. Especially the kind I don't believe in.
NARRATOR:
And so all of our heroes went on to fight the bad guy?
Why? No reason, really.
To be continued...in my pants....
READER'S REVIEWS (3) DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"I like this alot actually. You have a tendency to play on the double entendre of phrases for instance when the doctor makes jose a woman. YOu have potential. Also, classic line by Valdez "I do not like monsters. Especially the kind I don't believe in." Keep it up." -- Gary Kolarski, Washington, DC, USA.
"this is really a greatstory but i really dont think it fits in a horror category.I think it is very funny instead of scarey..but u did a very good job...u make a good comedy writer! " -- Anoyumus.
"I think this is more of laughable Holloween story which in my book a ten because noone every written something like this before." -- Jeanette H.
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