10:15 by Lawrence Peters A short story about fate and speed and the things that bring people together. [713 words]
The Go-Between by David Gardiner Everybody in the big city is looking for something. The trick is to find out what. [1,638 words]
Talent Takes Patience by Andrew Allyn Rasmussen This story is an interview with my next door neighbor, Christopher Beier. He has a treme... [821 words]
All For Her by F Luis Alvarez The ultimate sacrifice for the ultimate love. [834 words]
Winston (Part 4) by Wolfa Continuing story about a pitbull and a crazy woman... I don't really see the need to describe ... [3,116 words]
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The Unwanted Doll by Debbie Bailey A little girl finds a lonely doll to bring home for Christmas. [821 words]
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The Promise by Debbie Bailey A fictional account of a woman caught in the WTC tragedy and the firefighter who rescues her. [2,453 words]
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The Little Things In Life by Fiona Shine This is a story told from the wiewpoint of a man who has spent most of his life in pr... [976 words]
The Greatest Gift by Debbie Bailey A woman reunites with the man who got her pregnant 25 years before. [7,498 words]
The Cab by Jeremy Shackleford Four people ride the same taxi at different times and the cabbie realizes between all of them.And in on... [927 words]
Qualities Of A Friend by Andrea Diane Brown John Denton, a high school sophomore, is excited to learn about the new neighbor his age ... [844 words]
Puppy Love by Debbie Bailey Animals do fall in love too! [747 words]
Peripheral Vision by Simon King In some places, the past and the present are very close... [2,838 words]
My Sweetheart by Debbie Bailey A high school student gets his girlfriend pregnant. [12,593 words]
Mightier Than The Sword by Simon King How much do you hate your boss...? [2,506 words]
Melody's Journey by Rose Trimovski It was her journey, her destiny to find the castle and to get the sword that had powers of the... [8,992 words]
Love That Never Dies by Andrea Diane Brown Daniel Jackson lives with his father. Both are having a great deal of trouble overcoming ... [1,273 words]
Finding Fleur by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Katy desperately wants to find Fleur, but does Fleur want to be found? [1,727 words]
False Accusations by Andrea Diane Brown Something's wrong in Sandra Richardson's life, but she just can't figure out what's going on.... [1,304 words]
Dirty Apartment by Sunny Description of my dirty apartment and its cause, me. [756 words]
Deadly Persuit by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Nature at its most cruel .. when it's interfered with by man. [1,541 words]
Dawn Rising by Sue (Sooz) Simpson He looked at his own personal sunrise every morning, yet longed for the warmth of the sun. [1,069 words]
Dark Solitude. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson A woman alone on the moors when a storm threatens, but this is no ordinanry storm and that is no... [1,434 words]
Creeping Up From Behind. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson You can't ever really know what someone else is thinking ... unless they choose to tel... [925 words]
Cold, Cold Night.. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson The night was beautiful but biting, she had to make her final farewells, a cigarette would h... [630 words]
Car Trouble by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Boys will be boys. [496 words]
Breakfast In Bed
Barriers by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Everybody's frightened of the prisoner in the cell at the end of the block. [2,913 words]
Bandit At Twelve-O-Clock by Sue (Sooz) Simpson A sinister note drops through her letter box, but who is it from and what's it all abo... [2,144 words]
Attractions by Sue (Sooz) Simpson People stared at the sisters and called them freaks. [678 words]
Apple Of His Eye by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Daddy's little girl, Daddy's little sweetheart. (May be deemed offensive). [1,742 words]
Angel Stew by Sue (Sooz) Simpson The kitchens are in uproar. [826 words]
Agony by Sue (Sooz) Simpson The First in a series of Agony columns written by the unstoppable Aunt Nasty. (May be deemed offensive) [1,200 words]
A Fork In The Road. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson A paradox revolving round the lonely Holker Mosses in the dead of night. [2,835 words]
Madness by Keri McGriff Story based on the life of a woman in the mad house. [593 words]
Thelma's Dilemma by Elwin L Wormwood Thelma Price is about to loose everything she holds dear, until a teenage boy arrives and chan... [3,101 words]
The Medium by Stan A Fowler An engaging and personal battle by an arrogant talk-show host to undermine and expose his guest to r... [4,843 words]
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Should Have Would Have, Could Have Been by Alberto Pupo A story of regrets and mistakes.... [638 words]
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TITLE (EDIT)
Breakfast In Bed |
DESCRIPTION
She loved her husband so much, and a sepcial man deserves a special breakfast.
[1,633 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Horror |
AUTHOR
Sue (Sooz) Simpson |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
I'm thirty nine, recently single again. I have two boys Cli' (pronounced clee) Real name Christopher and Mark. I'm a care in the community nurse and formerly (when I was married) an occupational Therapist working with the mentally ill on a secure unit. I love reading and writing and meeting people. I hate offal, seafood and intolerance. I keep dog, cat, polecats, rats and reptiles. And for seven years ran the second largest reptile sanctuary in Britain. Apart from having my lads, I think that's probably the most worthwhile thing I've ever done. Writing wise, I've been the main fiction writer for Legends magazine for three years.And have two books published 'Lizard's Leap' published by Quillusers, and 'Better the Devil You Know' soon to be released by Bestbooks.Um I drive a knackered old Astra, and ride a two litre trike. I live in the lake district of England, and am happy. :-)
[January 2003] |
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
sooz.006@virgin.net |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (84)
A Fork In The Road. (Short Stories) A paradox revolving round the lonely Holker Mosses in the dead of night. [2,835 words] [Mystery]
A Twist In The Tail (Short Stories) - [963 words]
Agony (Short Stories) The First in a series of Agony columns written by the unstoppable Aunt Nasty. (May be deemed offensive) [1,200 words] [Comedy]
Agony 2 (Short Stories) Morew from the irrepresible Aunt Nasty (May be deemed offensive). [1,077 words] [Comedy]
Angel Stew (Short Stories) The kitchens are in uproar. [826 words] [Comedy]
Anne (Short Stories) - [707 words]
Apple Of His Eye (Short Stories) Daddy's little girl, Daddy's little sweetheart. (May be deemed offensive). [1,742 words] [Drama]
Attractions (Short Stories) People stared at the sisters and called them freaks. [678 words] [Drama]
Bandit At Twelve-O-Clock (Short Stories) A sinister note drops through her letter box, but who is it from and what's it all about? [2,144 words] [Drama]
Barriers (Short Stories) Everybody's frightened of the prisoner in the cell at the end of the block. [2,913 words] [Thriller]
Car Trouble (Short Stories) Boys will be boys. [496 words] [Comedy]
Cat's Chorus (Short Stories) - [1,332 words]
Cherry Blossom (Short Stories) - [435 words]
Cold, Cold Night.. (Short Stories) The night was beautiful but biting, she had to make her final farewells, a cigarette would help. [630 words] [Drama]
Creeping Up From Behind. (Short Stories) You can't ever really know what someone else is thinking ... unless they choose to tell you. [925 words] [Drama]
Dark Solitude. (Short Stories) A woman alone on the moors when a storm threatens, but this is no ordinanry storm and that is no ordinary lady. [1,434 words] [Drama]
Dawn Rising (Short Stories) He looked at his own personal sunrise every morning, yet longed for the warmth of the sun. [1,069 words] [Drama]
Deadly Persuit (Short Stories) Nature at its most cruel .. when it's interfered with by man. [1,541 words] [Drama]
Deep Blue Eastern Light (Poetry) I've never been to Budapest, but I saw an image on a postcard, it was misty and had a sort of dreamy quality about it. I wondered about the spirit of Budapest. Hope I've done her justicce. [204 words]
Different Road (Short Stories) Charlie is running scared. Will he find his way before his precious time runs out? [521 words]
Empty House (Short Stories) This had been her domain, now it was only a shadow. [649 words] [Drama]
Find Me A Place (Poetry) Everybody needs somewhere to run. [193 words] [Drama]
Finding Fleur (Short Stories) Katy desperately wants to find Fleur, but does Fleur want to be found? [1,727 words] [Drama]
Four Minute Warning (Short Stories) - [476 words] [Comedy]
Freedom By Another Name (Short Stories) He's an imposter [557 words] [Drama]
Furtive Glances (Short Stories) Always the last to know! [891 words] [Drama]
Galaxy (Poetry) Let Venus bear witness and Mars be our guide. [139 words]
Hickory, Dickory, Dock (Short Stories) - [991 words] [Drama]
Is The Toilet Roll Half Full Or Half Empty (Short Stories) It's hard when you're at bursting point. [423 words] [Comedy]
I've Always Wanted To Write... But! (Short Stories) There's always an excuse if you want to find one. [510 words] [Mind]
Jasmine And Gardenia Love (Poetry) - [417 words] [Erotic]
Jinny (Poetry) - [176 words]
Just The Ticket (Short Stories) You pays your money and you takes your chances. [5,177 words] [Drama]
Knockers (Short Stories) It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. [2,210 words] [Drama]
Little Bird (Short Stories) He liked fragile things [1,406 words] [Drama]
Lizards Leap (Novels) Four children buy an intricately carved frame from a school fair. A crazy old woman chases them desperately wanting the carving for herself. What is the mystery surrounding the strange frame? [5,753 words] [Adventure]
Long Walk Back To Jurassica (Poetry) Evolution and progress or three million steps backwards? [323 words] [Drama]
Lookingthrough The Window (Short Stories) - [401 words]
Madness Becomes You (Short Stories) She used to be someone, now she's several people, or maybe she's nobody at all, it makes no difference. [394 words] [Drama]
Making My Way Back To You. (Short Stories) She'd told them a thousand times to keep the front door closed, now tragedy had struck. [1,926 words] [Drama]
Memberwhen (Poetry) Memberwhen that mystical word of long ago memories. [189 words] [Drama]
Mortar Doesn't Breathe. (Short Stories) The house was inanimate, dead ... because her child was gone. [1,114 words] [Drama]
Mourning Glory (Short Stories) One of my favourite pieces. Please note *This is not a children's story* It's the tale of a little girl trying to be a child. [1,786 words] [Drama]
Mumbles From The Madhouse (Novels) It was her first day on the secure unit and somehow she had to see it through. [2,215 words] [Drama]
My Friend The Tiger And Me (Poetry) I wrote this for my little boy when he was having trouble at school. [942 words] [Animal]
Naughty Bunny Goes To Ibiza (Short Stories) - [552 words]
One-Man Race (Short Stories) He had only his nerves to rely on. One slip and the race would be lost. [664 words] [Drama]
Out Of Print (Short Stories) A man, a boy, a love of reading and echoes of the past. [2,007 words] [Drama]
Outrun The River (Poetry) The snow was melting fast and he owed it to himself and his seld of dogs to make it to safety. [145 words] [Action]
Pact Of Joy. (Short Stories) Don't we all just want to be happy? [2,497 words] [Drama]
Play With Me Please. (Short Stories) - [322 words]
Return Of The Hellcat (Erotica May Be Offensive) (Short Stories) Please do not read this one if easily offended. Or even not so easily offended. Continuing sexploits of Dark Solitude. [3,390 words] [Erotic]
Room For One More (Short Stories) The dream was haunting and wouldn't leave Mike alone. [1,728 words] [Drama]
Rush Hour (Short Stories) - [419 words]
Sally (Short Stories) - [2,268 words]
Sinister Music (Novels) She had no psychic ability, so why had fate chosen her to foretell of the spate of brutal murders? [6,114 words] [Drama]
So This Is My Life Then (Short Stories) - [517 words] [Comedy]
Space Walk (Short Stories) May Cause offense. [1,290 words] [Drama]
Spirit Dancer (Poetry) - [514 words]
Sweet Child Of Mine (Short Stories) The old lady had been brutally mugged, her son was sucjh a good boy, but would his thoughts now turn to revenge? [1,843 words] [Drama]
Tangled Web (Short Stories) Treat `em mean and keep `em keen. [596 words] [Drama]
The Band Played On (Short Stories) - [1,486 words] [Drama]
The Big Picture (Short Stories) The little girl was a great artist, but her subject matter was giving cause for concern. [776 words] [Drama]
The Comet. (Short Stories) Remember! [796 words] [Drama]
The Dinosaur (Short Stories) - [1,523 words]
The Half Empty Glass. (Short Stories) They had no idea of the horror they were walking into. [3,030 words] [Drama]
The Hhmmm Efect (Poetry) - [783 words]
The Iceberg (Short Stories) She had to break the hold they had on him... release him from his parents grip. [410 words] [Drama]
The Joker (Short Stories) - [2,032 words]
The Lovers (Poetry) - [124 words]
The Mark Of Jack (Short Stories) The start of something maybe. [1,044 words] [Drama]
The Old Enemy (Short Stories) I just hope I've got the names right. [253 words] [Drama]
The Rosary (Short Stories) May cause offense. [422 words]
The Spark (Short Stories) - [557 words]
The Thirteenth Station (Short Stories) - [8,024 words] [Horror]
The Village Green. (Short Stories) - [559 words] [Drama]
Three Mile Gap (Poetry) So close and yet... [285 words] [Drama]
Tomorrow Lies Beside Us (Poetry) - [239 words] [Drama]
Tusk (Short Stories) - [1,012 words] [Drama]
Under The Whether (Short Stories) - [1,626 words]
Watching And Waiting (Short Stories) - [1,253 words] [Drama]
White Icing (Short Stories) - [1,385 words]
Worlds Biggest Loser (Short Stories) - [114 words]
You Are My Sunshine (Short Stories) - [1,285 words]
|
READER'S REVIEWS (9)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"Sooz, I hope that this was written from within the depths of your extremely vibrant imagination and not from past experience. As a man, it made my balls hurt (pardon my vulgarity, but that’s just me), but as a faithful man I believe Allen’s punishment was well deserved. As for your writing ability, you have a keen sense of description that sits well with the consistent flow of the story. In the confines of grammatical correctness, which as a writer myself I find quit annoying, I hope you won’t mind if I make a suggestion. About mid-story: Marcie smiled. “There that’s better” she crooned – this could use a comma between better and the closing quotation mark with a period after the verb ‘crooned’, thus to read as – Marcie smiled. “There that’s better,” she crooned. And, if you don’t mind one more, in the following paragraph you might want to move your question mark to the very end of the question, even though the question has two possible answers, i.e., Was his wife still sane? or was it just a case of insanity having no expression. Instead, try the following: Was his wife still sane or was it just a case of insanity having no expression? With your obvious writing talent, I’m sure these are just small oversights. We all have them, believe me, I should know. But aside from grammatical correctness, never be afraid to use literary license, which often allows us to stray from those rules that can be bent but not broken. After all, you’re the writer so write what YOU feel and the readers will come. I wish the best of luck to you and look forward to reading more of your work as time permits. " -- STORM, TEXAS, USA.
"Thanks Storm, hope your bits and pieces stop aching soon. Never worry about pulling me up on my spelling, punctuation or grammar, they stink. I'm hoping that they have improved and will continue to improve with time. Thank-you again. " -- Sooz, Dalton, Cumbria, England.
"I admire Storm's ability to discuss the fine points of English grammar immediately after that little piece. I think I need to go and lie down for a while (with the bedroom door locked). And i thought you were such a sweet young girl Sooz." -- David Gardiner, London, England.
"Oh I am, I am .. I just enjoy creative cookery!" -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria.
"Hey Sooz, I thought I'd return the favour and review one of your stories...and I happened to chose this one...hhmmm...different, I'll give you that. First, let me make one thing clear: I am not a deep, insightful reader, and I do not search for deeper meanings and hidden metaphors. So don't expect such a review. Okay, here goes... I thought your writing was good, but I did notice a few run on sentences. Was that on purpose?(again, I don't read into things, so you could have been trying to show something to me?) The story itself was good enough to keep me reading until the end, but I would've expected a little more plot or backstory (just my opinion--doesn't mean I'm right). Overall, I liked it. I must also compliment you on the amount of stories you have written. That shows that you love what you do, and are commited to it. Good stuff. Keep writing. ps- I don't get much time to come to this site, but I'll try and read more of your stuff each time." -- Robert Bell.
"Oh, I forgot one thing, Sooz. Except for the gory bits, this story reminded me of Roald Dahl's Lamb to the Slaughter. That's all. Cheers." -- Robert Bell.
"Thanks Robert, greatly appreciated. all the stuff posted on here is early stuff, I hope I've improved since then, but I quite like this one, it's a good old slice of womanly fanstsy venting. I haven't read that Dahl story, but if my writing ever becomes one quart as good as his I'll be a happy woman. Thank-you again. Sooz :-)" -- Sooz, Dalton-in-furness, England, Cumbria.
"-----Bizzy-----‘s Review: Marcie hummed to herself as she pottered around the kitchen. The day before she had drawn two thousand pounds out of their joint account and had bought an antique silver tray and two matching tureens. They were quite a bargain, she was pleased with her purchase. ***I've already read the rest of the story so I know what's coming and know what this paragraph is all about. But...to someone browsing through stories to read (like an online reader or an editor, maybe) this first paragraph doesn't grab the attention like it oughta. Well, not for me anyway, others might disagree.*** She laid the tray with a ***{delete}beautifully{delete}***Jean Paul Dormigiere embroidered tray cloth, ***{delete}she had spent many a long hour making this to please her husband. {delete}***They did so enjoy the finer things in life. ***Using the brand name - especially when it's French - is a little more concrete than 'beautifully'. It's showing, not telling that there's a touch of classiness about this woman and, considering what she's about to do, it also gives a huge contrast with the later scenes*** Her masterpiece was almost complete, the tray laid with the exquisite cloth, topped with the two tureens. A tall stem vase with some purple and green hydroponic crystals looked far more classy than just a fill up of tap water. She had picked the single red rose with care. Paying attention to its colour and form. This rose was as near perfect as she would ever find. Fresh and vivid in it's crimson colour. Newly opened, it appeared to be showing the virginal beauty within its folds almost shyly. Seducing the eye, drawing the gaze timidly into its velvety petals. Marcie sprayed it with water to keep it looking as fresh as it did when it was snipped from the stem. ***Again, I think I'd go for a specific rose variety. Something like the Roland Goddard Florencia.*** This was a special breakfast. For fourteen years Marcie had taken Allen his breakfast in bed on a Sunday morning, but this one was so special. ***again, we're jumping back to the past with a 'had'. I've found sometimes these weaken the flow of a story, usually best to reword t avoid them where possible*** She had been a good wife to her husband, never once strayed. Kept the house beautiful, Herself trim, and was a pretty bauble for him to display on his arm at work socials. ***Now HERE'S the opening paragraph. Short, snappy and whets the curiosity. Follow through with the fact that she's preparing the breakfast dressed in an ivory negligee and how special the breakfast is as she prepares it.*** Allan had ***eek, back to the 'hads' again*** come a long way in the last few years, the business was one of the most successful in the north sector of the city. They had gambled when others had taken the safe option, had speculated on risky deals, and had held back, restrained when their competitors were making grand ostentatious bids that they could never maintain long term. Business was booming, and although Allan was the figurehead of the company, Marcie was the driving force. She had an intuitive grasp of where the market was going to fluctuate, she guided and led, always remaining in the background. The little woman. The stunning socialite who threw the most desirable parties in town. Marcie was the envy of the tennis set. They had ***(*sigh* I know, I know, I know. But it reads just as good with the 'had' chopped out :o})***gradually moved up the real estate ladder too, who would have thought that fourteen years ago they had begun married life in a two-bed flat above a newsagents shop in the high street? These days home was Manor-Gables. A little private estate with high wall and surrounding five acres of ornamental gardens and forest. Sometimes Marcie had been lonely here, but this special morning she was pleased with the privacy. She hoped Allan would appreciate the effort she had made. One last detail, she popped the Polaroid camera on the tray, afterall they'd want to have the memory of this morning for all time. Marcie whipped off the wipe clean apron she had been wearing and checked her appearance in the hall mirror. The ivory Silk Negligee complemented her dark skin tones beautifully, and her long auburn hair fell in soft curls over her shoulders. The low cut, matching night-gown plunged almost to her waist. The breast enhancement she had had the previous year had been worth every penny. She was pleased to note that the morning chill had caused her nipples to protrude through the sheer material. The night-gown was slit to upper thigh at either side. Allan was in for a treat this morning. She pushed the bedroom door open with her foot, and entered holding the tray out before her. "Good morning my darling. Look I've brought you breakfast in bed" She smiled her most alluring smile Allan's eyes were wide open, no residue of sleep clinging to his good-looking face. Marcie reminded herself every morning how lucky she was to be married to this man, who set so many young female pulses throbbing. It amazed her that after fourteen years of marriage she could still command his complete attention when she walked into the bedroom, and she certainly had it this morning. His eyes were following her every move. He licked his dry lips and swallowed visibly. Marcie placed the tray on the bedside table and gazed down with love upon her dear husband. He was half sitting propped against the stiff headboard. He winced in discomfort as he tried to shift his position. He rotated his left wrist slightly, and Marcie mumbled a few cooing words of sympathy as she saw how chaffed and hurt his wrists had become. "Oh now look what you've done to your poor handies, I told you it would do no good to struggle. You are a silly boy Allan" She pulled hard on his wrist, checking without mercy the tension of the steel handcuffs. His arms had been extended beyond his head for over nineteen hours. His ankles similarly cuffed, splayed and attached to opposing bedposts. Red-hot needles of pain were coursing through his poor tortured body. He shrank back from her, a small whimper escaping his dry mouth. "Marcie please. Come on now you've had your fun. Let me go and we'll say no more about this please. Marcie Dammit she meant nothing to me" " I know that sweetie" She smiled benevolently at her errant husband "None of them ever do" ***'benevolently' and 'errant'. 'She smiled' or 'she pecked his brow' would have done the job.*** She held a bottle to her husband's penis, and he relived himself. Preferring this to the indignity of soiling the bed. She set about washing and shaving him. She patted cologne into his freshly shorn cheeks, and smoothed some deodorant under his armpits. She was pleased with her efforts. "Now then shall we see if Mr Eager wants to come and play with Mommy" He shook his head. "No Marcie. No. Please don't" "Oh come on Allan you're not normally so shy. What's the matter does it only work for teenage sluts these days?" Allan closed his eyes as his wife's fingers curled round his limp penis. It took a little while, but soon his member stiffened and betrayed his terrified mind in the same way it had betrayed his wife many times over the years. Beneath her familiar manipulations it soon reached its maximum potential. Marcie smiled. "There that's better" she crooned She removed the lid of the first tureen, as Allen's eyes widened in horror. Her eyes on the other hand looked clear and serene as she held the huge knife in front of her. Was his wife still sane? or was it just a case of insanity having no expression. ***A sudden change of point of view. Show us reather than tell us what he's thinking*** The 'Learned gentlemen' would debate this point at length, later. It was more difficult than she had anticipated cutting through the engorged flesh. Not that it was engorged for long mind, the blood shrank back through his penile veins a lot faster than it had swollen in, as though it was ebbing like a tide away from the penetrative blade of the kitchen knife. He screamed. That man really did scream, but then as the last sinew was sawn through with the serrated blade he went almost quiet, a small mewling moan every few seconds but that was all. He seemed fascinated as he watched his blood dye the floral bedding. He stared from the blood between his legs to the flaccid piece of meat in Marcie's hand and couldn't seem to equate the two. He felt no pain. That surprised him. He had the works here, a veritable assortment of external bleeding Veinous bright red oxygenated blood. Arterial, the big boy. The gusher. A dark red spouting fountain of blood, rising from between his legs to fall in a crimson shower. And the almost insignificant Capillary bleeding. Marcie's Ivory night-gown had an obscene spread of deep red staining, and two red hand prints smearing off in south tailing trails. Allen's face was the colour and texture of soft putty. His gums were white, his skin clammy. He was in clinical shock. At this point he was still conscious, a strange calm came over him, and although he still continued to moan every few seconds, he face broke into a small lopsided imbecilic smile. Marcie picked up the lighter from the pretty tray, and depressed the flywheel that ignited the flint. Allan's eyes were drawn to his wife's beautiful face illuminated by the soft flame of the lighter. "Have a cigar Allen" she muttered as she stuck the gory end of Allen's dismembered penis in his mouth. He made no effort to resist. A glob of mixed blood and saliva oozed out of his mouth and dribbled down his chin. A piece of limp muscle adhered wetly to his upper lip. Allen made no protest. Marcie picked up a length of wick from the tray, and carefully inserted it into the urethral opening of Allen's penis. She put a flame to the wick, and the hanging, wrinkled length of his precious organ lit up like a candle on Halloween. Soon the smell of singed flesh permeated the air. Allen, still conscious made no effort to move. She hoped he wasn't too catatonic to enjoy her creativity. "Second course Allan" she enthused brightly lifting the second tureen for inspection. She was gratified to see Allen's eyes shift slightly towards the bright shiny silver that reflected her face so perfectly. She lifted the lid with a flourish, and Allen managed to gurgle on the last reserves of his strength. He looked into the glassy eyes of Tracy Jones his latest office junior and occasional bed partner. Her severed head with frozen expression, gawped back at him from the silver salver Marcie laid the tureen on his lap. She took a few photos of her artwork, and tossed them still developing on the bed beside her husband. "I'm just going to set the washer off dear. Now you two make yourselves comfortable and call me if you need me" Allen's eyes fluttered and he welcomed the blessed darkness. ***The problems I've singled out are mainly personal feeling sorta things. To crit the writing fairly, I can only work from personal feelings. (This is the guy who took Stephen King back to the bookstore and demanded a refund) Hope I haven't been too harsh. Personally, I'd do a search for every 'had' and delete it. The maybe go back and put just one 'had' back in. Just one, mind... to appreciate it's effect. (A good exercise for adverbs and adjectives too.) The story itself is sound. Risque, and I would have thought there'd be only a very limited number of markets for it, but - regardless of how distasteful the subject matter is - we all know 'dismemberment' has happened before and will undoubtably happen again. Some really graphic descriptions. Again very taboo and verging on distasteful, perhaps even obscene. I dunno. To me it's still fiction and fiction exists to stir emotions, make us question our own standards. Hope this helps. One last word. Posted on behalf of? Come on Cameron, this is capable writing: get them signed up to a good group or the WritersBBS, instead of that crappy Storymania site, so they can repay any help they get by reciprocating crits :o}*** ----------------------- Sarge’s Review: This was written well enough - the descriptions were quite vivid. However, I did not get a sense of horror, just torture/violence. In a longer work this might become justified but in a short story it's gratuitous. ---------------- Red 33’s Review: for some reason i thought about this today and sarge makes a good point...i'm sure i've read something just as disturbingly violent as this was, but it was after the author had set it up.... for instance, richard layman's The Island has something similar at the end and i thought it was very cool... so did a girl that i loaned the book too.... maybe my comments before were too harsh? -------------- Saborra’s Review: And now I'm going to go be sick. It had impact. I think, if there had been a build up, seeing how he treated her, the suffering of having her breast surgery and him still cheating, that gradual wearing down of sanity that an emotionally abusive person can do, this finale would have had more emotional impact and less stomach impact. (If that makes sense. It was almost splatter-punk.) I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. " -- Cam Davis.
"Thanks for these reviews. I wrote this a good couple of years ago and have since learned about the 'had's it drives me nuts too now. Thank you. and thanks to Cam. " -- Sooz, Dalton-in-Furness, England, Cumbria.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2000 Sue (Sooz) Simpson |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
March 2002 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
649
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