AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25) A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor] Amnesty (Short Stories) A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong. [561 words] [Comedy] Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor] Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind] Changing To Go Out (Short Stories) In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task. [444 words] [Humor] God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor] Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions (Short Stories) A struggling photographer finds a rich new source of business. [496 words] [Humor] Providing For Sarah (Short Stories) A desolate man finds comfort in an imaginary (?) companion. But who will care for her when he's gone? [883 words] [Mind] Sex Life Of The Amoeba (Short Stories) A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little... [1,108 words] [Humor] Soup (Short Stories) A soup manufacturer ends life on Earth. [514 words] [Comedy] The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 2 - The Little Demon's Tale (Short Stories) A hell spawned satanic creature identifies too much with men and falls to their level. [901 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 3 - The Spider Catcher's Tale. (Short Stories) Archie escapes from the paralysing purple and find himself in a world where an avoidable infestation has eaten all the perspective. There he meets the spider catcher and learns why ballroom dancing i... [1,313 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words] The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor] The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words] The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor] The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words] The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony (Short Stories) Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance. [1,377 words] The Two Bills (Short Stories) William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word. [777 words] Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor] Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
A Wrong Turn Somewhere Xoggoth
Driving home from your new job near Birmingham down a road you have been along a handful of times and you think you know it but it all looks unfamiliar. Have you gone the wrong way at one of the many very similar roundabouts or is this just a bit you have not really noticed before?. So you drive on for a while longer and nothing looks right so you turn round.
There's a man standing on the verge two roundabouts back, he looks familiar. So does the roundabout, ah yes! you must have driven straight over when you should have turned left. But after half a mile you realise this road is too small, where is the dual carriageway section? You travel a bit further and nothing rings any bells so you go right round the next roundabout and drive back.
At the first roundabout there's that same man again, no can't be, this one's taller. You take the turning from the roundabout that you think takes you back the way you came. Why are there no signposts? You drive for two miles or so and realise this can't be it. The road is much narrower than you remember and there is nothing like the normal rush hour traffic. You feel disoriented and there is an edge of panic.
You turn round. It seems a very long way back to the roundabout, surely you did not drive this far? When you reach it, it is just a small one on a B road, where is the main road? But you turned around in a farm track and there were no junctions, how could you possibly have taken a wrong turning? There are no signposts but a very tall man is walking along the road on the other side of the roundabout and some way off. You drive that way to ask directions but he seems to get no closer and suddenly is gone leaving you wondering if it was anyone at all or just a shadow.
You make a seven point turn in the narrow road and drive back. And drive, and drive, and there is no roundabout, no junction, no traffic. The road turns to a dirt track with steep sides that will not let you turn. A mile further it stops altogether. In front there is just open moorland.
You get out of the car. There is no track behind you, no indication that a car has come that way. You walk to the top of a rise to try and see the nearest road. Stumbling, you glance back the way you came and there is no car. Way off on the next hill you seem to see an immensely, unbelievably tall man standing. Waiting.
There is nothing else but open moor. As far as the horizon in every direction, no roads, no houses, no lights, no aeroplanes, no sign of human life whatever and everywhere is silent except for the moaning of the wind.
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