AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25) A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor] A Wrong Turn Somewhere (Short Stories) Somewhere near Birmingham a driver takes a wrong turn and loses everything. [492 words] [Mystical] Amnesty (Short Stories) A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong. [561 words] [Comedy] Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor] Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind] Changing To Go Out (Short Stories) In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task. [444 words] [Humor] God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor] Providing For Sarah (Short Stories) A desolate man finds comfort in an imaginary (?) companion. But who will care for her when he's gone? [883 words] [Mind] Sex Life Of The Amoeba (Short Stories) A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little... [1,108 words] [Humor] Soup (Short Stories) A soup manufacturer ends life on Earth. [514 words] [Comedy] The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 2 - The Little Demon's Tale (Short Stories) A hell spawned satanic creature identifies too much with men and falls to their level. [901 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 3 - The Spider Catcher's Tale. (Short Stories) Archie escapes from the paralysing purple and find himself in a world where an avoidable infestation has eaten all the perspective. There he meets the spider catcher and learns why ballroom dancing i... [1,313 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words] The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor] The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words] The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor] The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words] The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony (Short Stories) Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance. [1,377 words] The Two Bills (Short Stories) William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word. [777 words] Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor] Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions Xoggoth
Thought my business was going under last year; simply too much competition these days. I have that hopeless temporary secretary to thank for my change of fortune. I was in a rush to get to a wedding and had left her to type out the new large size ad for the Echo and get it off to them by their deadline.
It was only when the paper came out that I realised that below the caption "A Edwards, Photographers for all occasions" it said "Capers a speciality". "Well, that's what I thought you had written" whined Tracy. I exploded "Capers?, why would I write Capers? it's Babies! you.."
I got my first call the following Thursday from a taciturn guy who would give very little away. I was to meet him in Sutton Park. The job was a big one and the top boss wanted a proper record to show his cronies at the mobster's summer conference in Tokyo. I was a bit reluctant, surely I would be an accessory to crime, but on the other hand I was facing bankruptcy and you know what they say about desperate times.
Tony placed himself discretely in a parked car outside. With some trepidation I made sure I was inside the prestigious West End jewellers at the right time with the small video hidden inside an attaché case. It was hardly our most professional work, the video shook visibly because I was terrified, but given the circumstances it was not too bad. The big boss was delighted anyhow and we got a decent bonus, after the visit from his heavies to make quite sure we had retained no copies of course.
You would have thought, wouldn't you? that the last thing criminals would ever want would be someone taking visual records of their crimes as they happened, but I suppose there are never any limits on human vanity. As we gained experience we developed methods of obtaining great mementoes for the criminal to treasure while being totally discrete. It was Tony who came up with the idea of the little incendiary devices in the cameras and videos and that was a big selling point with our clients. Should the filth twig that we were taking pictures, one press of the little button and the evidence was gone.
Business is booming. Just came from the Krayson's place where we presented the video of their youngest son's first ever big heist. It was a joy to see the pride on Mrs Krayson's face while she dabbed at her tears with her hanky. "Ah look bless", she kept saying, "see how steadily he holds the piece, as though he's been doing it all his life" or "Oh look Ron, doesn't he look so handsome in his balaclava, just like Robert Redford in Butch Cassidy". I knew what she meant.
I like my work. It is very satisfying to bring joy to people by preserving all these treasured moments in their lives. I like the money too.
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