AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25) A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor] A Wrong Turn Somewhere (Short Stories) Somewhere near Birmingham a driver takes a wrong turn and loses everything. [492 words] [Mystical] Amnesty (Short Stories) A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong. [561 words] [Comedy] Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor] Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind] Changing To Go Out (Short Stories) In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task. [444 words] [Humor] God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor] Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions (Short Stories) A struggling photographer finds a rich new source of business. [496 words] [Humor] Providing For Sarah (Short Stories) A desolate man finds comfort in an imaginary (?) companion. But who will care for her when he's gone? [883 words] [Mind] Sex Life Of The Amoeba (Short Stories) A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little... [1,108 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 2 - The Little Demon's Tale (Short Stories) A hell spawned satanic creature identifies too much with men and falls to their level. [901 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 3 - The Spider Catcher's Tale. (Short Stories) Archie escapes from the paralysing purple and find himself in a world where an avoidable infestation has eaten all the perspective. There he meets the spider catcher and learns why ballroom dancing i... [1,313 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words] The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor] The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words] The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor] The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words] The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony (Short Stories) Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance. [1,377 words] The Two Bills (Short Stories) William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word. [777 words] Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor] Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
Soup Xoggoth
A man in Hemel Hempstead invented a working time portal and invited bids for it from the world's major companies. The commercial potential of such a device was incalculable and there were few large companies that did not attempt, either alone or as part of a consortium, to win the bid.
In the end there was no real contest. We all know there is one world beating company that is so enormously successful, so collossaly rich, that it could buy up the next eight largest companies. Cresse and Blockwell.
C and B knew exactly what it planned to do with its acquisition. Soup division profits had been slowing in recent years and they desperately needed a new range. What better than that fabled soup of all soups? the one everyone on the planet had heard of but nobody had ever tasted. Primordial soup.
They sent the portal back, through the Cambrian period (they were to licence an inferior later product to a smaller rival, it sold in the shops as Cempball's Cambrian soup) and on into the Precambrian until the suction pipe finally came to rest in the thick substance they sought.
Primordial soup was high in protein and low in fat, thick and creamy and totally delicious. Not really being either animal or vegetable it appealed to vegetarians and others alike. It was totally organic and free of additives and it sold by the millions of gallons.
The more sensible warned against destroying the source from which we all sprang but, well, you all know what sense is worth when there is money to be made by big companies. There was little effect at first but as the huge oceans of the soup began to be drained so too did the variety of genetic material leading down through the aeons to our present day begin to diminish.
Diversity on our world started to fall at an accelerating rate. Everyone and everything started to look more and more alike. Elephants were no longer huge things with big ears and trunks. They were moderately sized round things with slightly larger ears and noses than the smaller round things that were men.
The thing about changing history is that nobody can possibly know it has been changed. So as the decades went by the commercial men among the increasing spherical and liquid entity that was man, now almost indistinguishable from all the other rudimentary plants and animals on the Earth, continued to scorn the unsubstantiated scaremongering of the scientists.
And so it came to pass that as mankind enjoyed its rich and delicious soup, all of life on earth disappeared back into it. As the first day dawned on the twenty-second century, the sun shone down on an Earth devoid of any life whatever. Scattered in the seas and on the rocks and among the curious artefacts of unknown origin there was only primordial soup that would perhaps, just possibly, one day, give rise to it.
That was very unlikely. After all, the soup had been there unchanged since the start of the inaptly named Proterozoic and nothing had ever evolved from it.
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