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The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm Xoggoth
All afternoon the sky had had that strange luminous yellow colour that denotes approaching snow, although none had come. By the evening the Western sky was a fractured pool of bloody red. Hector, the wise and very old woodlouse who lived alone under the rotting log said he had seen nothing like it in all of his four long years and it was an evil omen. Hector was right. The next day the gardener, while planting some spring onions, sliced Nasty Norman the earthworm in two and EVIL WORM was born.
It is not a fact known to human biologists, how could they know?, but there is a difference between the worm that regenerates from the head end and the worm that regenerates from the other end. It is a difference not of the body, but of the soul. Just imagine, if you underwent a painful slicing in two, and then had to re-grow your whole personality from your bumhole end, would you be quite the nice person you were before? The worm that grows from the head end takes most of the good. The worm that grows from the other end is real mean.
But Nasty Norman had not been just any old sliced earthworm. He himself had grown from the arse end of a severed worm, who had grown from the arse end of a severed worm and so on back six severings. His arse end, EVIL WORM, was that mercifully rare thing, the seventh severed worm of a severed worm in unbroken arse end line, a foul abomination; a thing imbued with satanic powers, wholly malignant and utterly evil.
It was said that the sky darkened and flying insects in the vicinity fell shrivelled and blackened from the air when EVIL WORM came into being. The rumours of foul portents spread. All the tiny invertebrate creatures that lived in the far corner of the vegetable patch and the weedy undergrowth next to it met to discuss the threat to their little world. They sent a delegation of woodlice to ask the advice of the old and wise Hector.
The woodlice gathered in Hector's hole trying not to breathe too deeply while not making it obvious. Due to his very advanced age, Hector no longer smelt of wee as woodlice should do. Hector thought hard about their dilemma and finally suggested they should escape by moving further into the woodland behind the garden.
It was his last suggestion. The body of EVIL WORM lay regenerating in the onion patch, but his foul mystic powers had already ensnared several spies and he knew of their plot. He sent his astral projection to crush them. A flickering lambent flame of hellish colours lit up the hole and the grotesque spirit of EVIL WORM materialised in their midst, ten times larger than life. The disgustingly squishy severed end gazed balefully down at them. From the other end he wielded the WORM CAST OF DOOM in the form of blazing fire that roasted Hector and all the other woodlice in an instant.
Evil lay over the North end of the garden containing the vegetable patch and none could escape it. A trio of large garden spiders, three of the toughest and nastiest characters around, had tried. The WORM CAST OF DOOM appeared in the form of clutching human child fingers and they found themselves suspended in mid air, while their legs were plucked one by one from their bodies. Those bodies lay for days like tiny peanuts next to the compost heap, their palps twitching and their twenty four little eyes filled with pain.
I have to pause this story here to compose myself because I find that bit about the poor little spiders really sad. Sniff. Sniff. Ok I'm all right now. To continue.
After that nobody dared to cross EVIL WORM for a long time. The little creatures toiled ceaselessly, building a huge temple come palace out of dead leaves, dirt, silk, spider web, decayed wood and similar building materials that small invertebrates have at their disposal, a temple/palace in which they would be required to serve and worship him/her/it until they died.
And so it might have continued but after he re-grew his head EVIL WORM got lonely. Of course he could force any earthworm he liked to fulfil his carnal needs (or any other small creature for that matter, he was EVIL after all) but what he most wanted was an EVIL soul mate.
However, just in case you are starting to sympathise a little with EVIL WORM let me tell you a bit of biology. Earthworms, even EVIL ones, are hermaphrodite. Earthworms mate by lying in a 69 position with another earthworm of identical gender or lack of it. Yes I know, its just too bloody disgusting to think about isn't it? Degenerate perverts, it just makes me sick to the stomach that sort of thing, and to think there are lots of them at it in my garden even as I write this. Hanging's too good for them. But I digress, where was I? Oh yes, EW's downfall.
One of the little insects in his retinue sowed the seed. Maybe EVIL WORM should think about Nasty Norman's front end. Of course that was the 'good' end, but on the other hand, after six rear end slicings, Nasty Norman had had very little good left in him anyhow and was thoroughly nasty, almost as nasty as EVIL WORM but without the satanic powers. Maybe there would be his soul mate. Yes I know, mating with the other half of one's 'father' sounds pretty incestuous doesn't it? but as I think I have already shown, the sexual morality of even ordinary earthworms leaves a lot to be desired so EVIL WORM was hardly likely to be bothered about such things.
They persuaded EVIL WORM to go back to the spring onion patch looking for his sister/brother/mate. It was a huge gamble by the plotters who had seen the gardener checking his broccoli seeds. It worked. While searching for his hoped for incestuous love EVIL WORM got his bum end sliced off by the gardener who was turning the soil prior to planting his broccoli.
The bum end wielded the WORM CAST OF DOOM and with it no longer connected to the rest of EVIL WORM he/she/it was powerless. EVIL WORM went into hiding. When he had grown a new bum end he planned to revenge himself against all the invertebrates, he would really make them suffer!
Their deliverance might have been but temporary but when he awoke from his regeneration torpor EVIL WORM found he had a head at each end. He died several days later of the worst case of constipation you could ever imagine.
The little vegetable patch world was once again safe from the horror that had been EVIL WORM. It was to be destroyed less than a year later by the MUTANT SLUGS FROM THE FIFTH DIMENSION but that is another story.
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