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The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony
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TITLE (EDIT)
The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony |
DESCRIPTION
Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance.
[1,377 words] |
AUTHOR
Xoggoth |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
-
[March 2004] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25)
A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor]
A Wrong Turn Somewhere (Short Stories) Somewhere near Birmingham a driver takes a wrong turn and loses everything. [492 words] [Mystical]
Amnesty (Short Stories) A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong. [561 words] [Comedy]
Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor]
Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind]
Changing To Go Out (Short Stories) In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task. [444 words] [Humor]
God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor]
Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions (Short Stories) A struggling photographer finds a rich new source of business. [496 words] [Humor]
Providing For Sarah (Short Stories) A desolate man finds comfort in an imaginary (?) companion. But who will care for her when he's gone? [883 words] [Mind]
Sex Life Of The Amoeba (Short Stories) A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little... [1,108 words] [Humor]
Soup (Short Stories) A soup manufacturer ends life on Earth. [514 words] [Comedy]
The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 2 - The Little Demon's Tale (Short Stories) A hell spawned satanic creature identifies too much with men and falls to their level. [901 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 3 - The Spider Catcher's Tale. (Short Stories) Archie escapes from the paralysing purple and find himself in a world where an avoidable infestation has eaten all the perspective. There he meets the spider catcher and learns why ballroom dancing i... [1,313 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words]
The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor]
The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words]
The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor]
The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words]
The Two Bills (Short Stories) William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word. [777 words]
Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor]
Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
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The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony
Xoggoth
The epithet of the gangland boss 'Fat' Tony Romero was something of an understatement, most of his colleagues in crime called him Norm, short for bleedin' enormous, not in his earshot of course.
Romero bought a villa on a remote part of the Eastern shore of the Dead Sea where he would often go with his two loyal bodyguards, Mike and Luigi, and slob about by the poolside eating vast quantities of pasta and ice cream. Unfortunately for him, the two bodyguards were not loyal and had accepted large sums from a gangland rival to dispose of him. By pinioning his arms and placing a plastic bag over his head they did so with very little mess, outside of the gigantic swimming trunks at least.
It suited their paymasters to create an impression that Tony had fled to avoid a looming threat of prosecution, and it was essential that they dispose of the body and leave no obvious clues to his fate. There were no tools in the Villa that would allow burial in the hard rocky terrain, so Tony had to sleep with the fishes, metaphorically speaking of course, since every schoolboy knows there are no fish in the Dead Sea.
Tony had not exactly been the active outdoor type and the only boat was a small metal rowing boat, but it would do. After a few vinos to steady their nerves, they searched for a suitable weight and there was little choice there either, the villa had plenty of expensive wooden furniture but very few compact heavy items. They settled on a stone lion, actually a priceless Mesopotamian relic, but culture was not their strong point. Then they set about getting the huge inert body to the boat.
Mike and Luigi were not terribly bright. They struggled for nearly two hours to get the huge corpse into the small boat, and then struggled unsuccessfully to get in themselves. It dawned on them that, even if they could manage to row the boat with the gigantic cadaver taking up most of the room, it would be quite impossible to dispose of the corpse at sea without capsizing. They went off for a few hour’s rest, some vinos and a rethink.
You or I might suss that the easiest way to get a very large corpse out of a small rowing boat in shallow water would be to tip it out and then invert the boat to empty out the water. Our pair spent another hour in the searing heat lifting the huge body out. After another rest by the pool and a few more vinos, they came back, put the stone lion in the boat, tied a rope around the neck of the corpse and set out to sea, the great white bulk bobbing behind them. 200 yards out they tied the lion to their end of the rope and threw it overboard. The corpse's balding head disappeared beneath the waterline and the shoulders sunk lower but the rest stayed afloat.
They went back to the villa, had a rest and a few vinos and looked around for something else. Nobody would miss the microwave. When they came out with it three hours later the strong wind had blown the corpse back to shore were it lay like a small dredger bobbing gently at a stone lion anchor. A seabird was standing on the huge belly ferreting under the waistband of the trunks. They put the lion and the microwave in the boat, tied the corpse to it and set off again. This time the corpse sunk as far as the navel.
They returned to the villa for a kip and a few more vinos. In the poolside hut they found the ideal object, a small but heavy portable generator. They tested it out this time. They tied the generator around the neck of the corpse, which had again drifted to the shore complete with stone lion, microwave and a small flock of seabirds rummaging under the swimming trunks, and it submerged. Sorted! But they were too hot and tired to go out again today. They put the stone lion, the microwave and the generator in the boat, tied the corpse to the boat and the boat to the jetty and went in.
When they came out the next morning the corpse had already begun to decompose in the heat. Tony was even more bloated than he had been in life, there was a faint sickly smell and what the seabirds had done under the unpleasantly decorated swimming trunks was not nice to see. They had to get this over with as quickly as possible. 200 yards out they attached the stone lion, the microwave and the generator to the rope around the corpse's neck and threw them overboard. The corpse disappeared only as far as where the waist would have been on most people. With all the gas it was much more buoyant.
Back to the villa for a siesta, a few vinos and a large kitchen knife to puncture the corpse with. Accompanied by stone lion, microwave, portable generator and a huge flock of seabirds it bobbed against the shore. It would have been sensible to tow the corpse back out to sea before using the knife, but Luigi thrust it through the huge layer of fat and sawed upwards. The sudden horrible stench drove them back to the villa to recuperate over a few more vinos.
When then came out a few hours later, the combined actions of the waves and the seabirds, who had discovered that the contents of Tony's belly were a bit more nourishing than those of his swimming trunks, had displaced most of the corpse's bowels. They bobbed in huge jellyfish-like masses around the cadaver. Fortunately, the contents of the bowels had largely been deposited in the swimming trunks at the time of death and had at least been partially contained. Nevertheless, the smell was overwhelming. The seabirds had also eaten the eyeballs; after all, this was an Arab country. Shocked at the sight and odour they withdrew to steady their nerves with a few more vinos by the poolside.
Suitably steeled to the task they went back two hours later to find that, not only was the smell and appearance far worse, but that the shredding bowels had tangled themselves thoroughly in the ancient timbers of the jetty. Disentangling slippery decaying bowels from slippery decaying wood is not a simple task even if you have not consumed several glasses of wine and it was nearly two hours before they had managed to stuff them back into their former accommodation and secure them in place with some string. They felt so nauseated after that that they left the final disposal to the next day.
Two days and nights in the searing heat of the Dead Sea basin is inclined to put meat beyond its consume by date quite quickly, not that the sea birds seemed bothered. Fat Tony was gruesome and turning black. Trying to avoid looking at him and especially not to breath downwind of him they again set off with him in tow, together with lion, microwave, generator and a heavy pair of brass firedogs just in case. They had barely left the beach when two Jordanian naval patrol boats appeared just up the coast and they had to abandon their mission. The boats, searching for smugglers, patrolled the area for nearly two weeks while fat Tony ripened and swelled under the Jetty.
They towed the immense black and reeking corpse out for what they hoped would be the last trip. 200 yards out they attached their end of the rope to the lion, the microwave, the generator and both firedogs and threw them over. Fat Tony plummeted beneath the waves and disappeared. They opened a bottle of wine in celebration and were halfway through it when Fat Tony, minus his head, shot 15 feet clear of the water like a small killer whale trailing a string of rancid entrails and crashed down on them.
Two weeks later the boat with the grizzly contents almost as liquid as the surrounding water was washed up on an Israeli tourist beach packed with happily holidaying families. Of any other occupants there was no sign, only a half empty wine bottle and two glasses.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Xoggoth |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
August 2003 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2471
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