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The Two Bills
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TITLE (EDIT)
The Two Bills |
DESCRIPTION
William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word.
[777 words] |
AUTHOR
Xoggoth |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
-
[March 2004] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25)
A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor]
A Wrong Turn Somewhere (Short Stories) Somewhere near Birmingham a driver takes a wrong turn and loses everything. [492 words] [Mystical]
Amnesty (Short Stories) A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong. [561 words] [Comedy]
Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor]
Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind]
Changing To Go Out (Short Stories) In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task. [444 words] [Humor]
God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor]
Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions (Short Stories) A struggling photographer finds a rich new source of business. [496 words] [Humor]
Providing For Sarah (Short Stories) A desolate man finds comfort in an imaginary (?) companion. But who will care for her when he's gone? [883 words] [Mind]
Sex Life Of The Amoeba (Short Stories) A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little... [1,108 words] [Humor]
Soup (Short Stories) A soup manufacturer ends life on Earth. [514 words] [Comedy]
The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 2 - The Little Demon's Tale (Short Stories) A hell spawned satanic creature identifies too much with men and falls to their level. [901 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 3 - The Spider Catcher's Tale. (Short Stories) Archie escapes from the paralysing purple and find himself in a world where an avoidable infestation has eaten all the perspective. There he meets the spider catcher and learns why ballroom dancing i... [1,313 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words]
The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor]
The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor]
The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words]
The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor]
The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words]
The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony (Short Stories) Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance. [1,377 words]
Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor]
Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
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The Two Bills
Xoggoth
The time travel program had been colossally late and over budget. When it finally succeeded the government devised a project it hoped would capture the public imagination and deflect the tide of criticism in time for the next election.
They went back and collected William Shakespeare shortly before his death. A burst appendix was swiftly fatal in 1616, but in 2006 a short operation, a course of antibiotics and a couple of weeks in the hospital saw the Bard fit and well.
He was raring to start work on his latest tragedy and asked for a quill, ink and parchment. They explained that things had moved on, gave him a 2.3GHz Dell Pentium III with Microsoft Office, a quick overview of Word, a priority number for the help desk and left him to it.
He typed: "Belong to the gallows, and be hanged, ye rogue! is this a place to roar in?".
There stole a small and creeping verdant worm beneath the "is". What demonry was this? And if he press'd, what more vile serpents would them show?
He stopped and sat perplexed. Were his words putrefying?. If he wrote more would they in turn decay and crumble into dust?. He phoned.
Three hours later a spotty youth arrived from the help desk. Yer well its yer grammar checker innit? there oughta be a full stop after rogue! and went away muttering about so called literary geniuses.
To calm his nerves he went for a couple of drinks in the bar next door. The variety of alcohol was one of the few things he liked about this strange world. None of it tasted of rat droppings. It took him a while to get going again afterwards.
He typed: "Avaunt! show not thy dishonour monster, nor voice you noise anon."
The worm had crept and multiplied and now 'neath 'show' it flaunted colour of the oak, but worse, preceding, a bleeding rugose line beneath "Avaunt".
He typed "Behold their quarter'd fires, have both their eyes and ears so cloy'd importantly as now".
The 'quarter'd', 'cloy'd' now lit like wav'd fire beneath.
He stopped and sat frozen with doubt again. Was there some fiery demon come to consume his words?. Was the puddle of blood beneath avaunt some fearful omen?. He picked up the phone.
Two hours later the spotty help youth was back. Yeh well the red ones yer spell checker innit what on erfs an avaunt when its atome? look see ere just click up ere where it says grammar an spell check an it gives you the alternatives dunnit? He went away muttering about bald old ignoramuses.
The spell checker dialog bore legends ignore, ignore all, add, cancel, change, change all, autocorrect, options, undo, cancel. He had no idea what to do, but it appeared from the youth's demeanour that there was nothing to fear and he decided to ignore the strange colours.
He went back to the bar for several large whiskeys and a couple of large other things he had forgotten the name of but were very pleasing. It took him even longer to find his muse again.
He decided to write the most moving scene where Lactitia confronts Beruccio, who was posing as a kindly friend, with her knowledge of his betrayal and fatally stabs him.
He typed: "Act 2 scene 3. Lacticia. Enter stage left. To Beruccio. Hail to you my kind friend, my dear sir"
"It looks like you're writing a letter" said the paperclip entering stage right.
He was terrified of saying no to this hideous little goblin and went along with its suggestions. The finished scene thus went as follows:
Act 2 scene 3
Stage Left
14th June 2006
FAO: Beruccio
CC: Duke of Pangamo
Dear Sir,
Re: Your betrayal in the preceding act
(muses) What dream I had of this, of fatal fury?.
etc.
Yours Faithfully,
Lactitia
Enc. Fateful dagger, one.
It was not how he had envisaged the fateful scene. When the goblin appeared to be engrossed in scratching itself, he picked up the phone.
The spotty help youth was back in only an hour this time. Yeh well its yer assistant innit? gives yer elp in completin letters and stuff innit? if yer don wannit yer just press cancel ere. He went away muttering about how bluddy old Tudor geezers shoulda stayed where they wos and stop wasting is bleedin time.
He had totally lost his ideas and his mind was blank.
He typed 'Poxy doxys' cocks'.
It was Shakespeare's final line and therefore one, which in centuries to come would be quoted more than any other.
He came back to the office totally rat arsed and, being frightened of the lifts, fell head first down the service stairs and killed himself.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Xoggoth |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
August 2003 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2939
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