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Tainted But Trying
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TITLE (EDIT)
Tainted But Trying |
DESCRIPTION
On level five and slipping lower into Dante's Inferno...
[811 words] |
AUTHOR
Sunny |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
Just another human being, or maybe an alien, i'm not sure, why dont u bend over and find out.
[February 2008] |
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
free_love98@yahoo.com |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (21)
A Non Special Day (Short Stories) Just a saturday morning. [515 words]
Bardo Blurb (Essays) Drinking a beer in a bar, some thoughts! [311 words]
Cmon You Can Tell Me (Short Stories) Let's compare notes on our moms and dads... [523 words]
Coffee At Starbucks (Short Stories) Another twisted tale involving your favorite superhero's, Nullman and Superman. [1,188 words] [Humor]
Death To Fascism (Poetry) The title and the poems have no connection ;) [128 words]
Dirty Apartment (Short Stories) Description of my dirty apartment and its cause, me. [756 words] [Humor]
Friday Evening (Short Stories) Is the hero a scumbag? An ordinary friday night turns into a sexual orgy. [1,947 words]
I Get Arrested (Short Stories) The title says it all. [812 words]
I Love Phoebe Gloeckner (Short Stories) Imagine emailing your favorite artist/celeb. and getting a reply back... Phoebe Gloeckner is da BOMB. she does serious comix, phenomenal art and storytelling.... along with Crumb and Bukowski the bes... [873 words]
Jingle Bell (Short Stories) Even simple liquieds have adverse effects on this universe. [537 words]
Lunch (Poetry) Lunch break. [45 words] [Drama]
Paloma Pena (Short Stories) Sigh! so many girls, so little time. [385 words] [Action]
Poems (Poetry) Miscellaneous poetry. [134 words]
Roch (Short Stories) Cybersex. [289 words] [Biography]
Sad Poem (Short Stories) i cut my soul and let it bleed on the paper. [295 words]
The Horror Of Existence (Short Stories) Musings on a shitty moment in time. [573 words]
The Sound Of Laces (Short Stories) a womans erotic night is sparked by her high heeled leather boots. [830 words]
Think (Short Stories) Philosophically I hit it on the nail... but the last paragraph still displeases me. [1,427 words]
Tiny Pink Pills (Short Stories) Ain't life a bytch!!! [757 words]
Whacker Than Whack (Short Stories) This kinda amuses me... but, I don't know if it's the stupidity or genius of it. [778 words]
What Can I Say? (Short Stories) Hmmm... did I make this up or lift this shit? you decide. [676 words]
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Tainted But Trying
Sunny
so i'm at work listening to white rabbit from the soundtrack of fear and loathing in las vegas. their sound clips kill me. "so you want me to throw this radio into the bathtub at the exact moment that white rabbit peaks" and so forth. i was also listening to this song last night around 3 o'clock vis-a-vie the excellent movie Platoon. platoon is just a kick ass movie. i was butchering it however by flicking between it, some jerkass's tv show on mtv and a shakespearen movie adaptation. from the killing fields of platoon, to a moron playing irratating pranks on people to "in the summer of our discontent" shite. i don't
know what i was doing, all i knew was i didn't want to go to sleep yet, i never wanted to sleep ever again, i didn't even want to be alive, i wanted to be comatose, yet was too lazy to fix myself a drink, so i smoked another cigarette, contemplated masturbation once again, my cock raw from constant manhandling, no desire to imagine a naked body pressing on me, doing stuff to me, me doing stuff to her/it. it was all just a big void. do you also feel like this sometimes?
and then there are the few brief moments when you think "it's great to be alive", to be fucking breathing and snorting and doing whatever the fuck youre doing. and i don't mean snorting coke. just the simple things. like the other day i was at the bar talking to this girl i'd met briefly once or twice before. and then out of the blue she leans forward and kisses me on the lips. i had no idea what to do. should i follow it up, hell i wasn't even anticipating that, there had been no indications. did she want me to kiss her, to be the man. i just kept on talking, the moment died, we wandered away from each other. yes, it felt good, for one brief moment another human being had reached out to me and given me something of herself that was private and wonderful and nice. ofcourse, later on like a
jerk i had the smug thought that everyone had seen her kiss me and that ofcourse bolstered my overall image as the stud of the bar. i was the man. i was in the higher position of coolness when talking to others for the rest of that night at least. like there have been moments when i'm looking good (i don't make the effort very often) and i'm standing at the bar talking to some friend and i know that there are girls who are looking at me, checking me out.
so ofcourse i feel like joe cool, it's nice to have this reversal of roles, to be checked out rather than checking frantically at the end of the night for girls drunk enough to give your male drive that lift. drunk girls, i love drunk girls, so much nicer to be around than having to play all those games, impressing them with your coolness, proving your worth.
"yes, you should waste your time, after all you did dress up and come down here, what are you gonna do, stand around talking to your girlfriends all night." although i quite hate getting the digits, i prefer to wrap things up all in one night. digits mean, the next day youre no longer drunk and the person who was so interesting last night now seems boring or even worse a "girl who's not your type". fuck i'm never going to find the "girl who's my type", i belong to a circle of peeps who are in a category by themselves. i'm just gonna have some similarities that's about all and if i speak up my mind forget it all, it's gonna be over. "hi, my name is sunny, i don't want to have a career, or to work, just want to sit around smoking dope, drinking, carousing in bars with women other than you, yet come back to you and accuse you of not being the right type for me." i don't know, when did i become so cynical so blaise, so self absorbed. i used to be ok, fun to be around not making fun of
everybody else all the time, trusting and loving people. i guess the boy who girls had to talk to to make him aware they were interested in him, that it was ok to have a conversation
with them, to want to hold their hand, that rejection though a possiblity was not what they were about is gone forever...DEAD. maybe not. i could become simple again, not pure, i am tainted, but then i don't believe in God either, he's too perfect, imperfections make us all real and unique and human in our own way.
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"you are a twisted,vile, disgusting, arrogant and a poor excuse of a human being. Seek some help on how to be a mainstreamable person. There is more to life than your small "all about self", DO IT, "'cause it makes you feel good world"." -- Molly.
"i love you too, molly !!" -- sunny, dc, dc, usa.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2000 Sunny |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
April 2000 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2447
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