AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25) A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor] A Wrong Turn Somewhere (Short Stories) Somewhere near Birmingham a driver takes a wrong turn and loses everything. [492 words] [Mystical] Amnesty (Short Stories) A gun amnesty in a rough borough of London goes idiotically wrong. [561 words] [Comedy] Arnie (Short Stories) A little labourer has a terminator approach to his work. [646 words] [Humor] Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind] Changing To Go Out (Short Stories) In the aftermath of the genetic bomb, a simple night at the pictures with the missus is no easy task. [444 words] [Humor] God's Trainees (Short Stories) Him upstairs is thinking of retiring, all he needs to do is train up some suitable replacements. Easier said than done. They just don't make deities the way the used to. [1,570 words] [Humor] Mementoes Of Treasured Occasions (Short Stories) A struggling photographer finds a rich new source of business. [496 words] [Humor] Sex Life Of The Amoeba (Short Stories) A serious paper on cellular mytosis in a well known eukarytic organism. The dirty little... [1,108 words] [Humor] Soup (Short Stories) A soup manufacturer ends life on Earth. [514 words] [Comedy] The Adventures Of Archie 1 - The Great Escape (Short Stories) A sort of Alice in Wonderland meets Canterbury Tales sort of thing but sillier than the former and even more boring than the latter. In episode 1 our elderly rabbit hero escapes his hutch and disappe... [473 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 2 - The Little Demon's Tale (Short Stories) A hell spawned satanic creature identifies too much with men and falls to their level. [901 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 3 - The Spider Catcher's Tale. (Short Stories) Archie escapes from the paralysing purple and find himself in a world where an avoidable infestation has eaten all the perspective. There he meets the spider catcher and learns why ballroom dancing i... [1,313 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato (Short Stories) Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all. [781 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 4b - The Great Regurgitato's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [823 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words] The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor] The Adventures Of Archie 7 - The Puzzleman's Tale (Short Stories) Archie finds he is not alone in the valley. He shares it with a man in a very strange prison. You have to endure a little homily on man's inhumanity to decorating materials first. [2,988 words] [Humor] The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words] The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor] The Horrid Tale Of Evil Worm (Short Stories) A rare accident in the vegetable patch transforms a humble earthworm into a satanic being. [1,158 words] The Several Voyages Of Fat Tony (Short Stories) Foul deeds on the dead sea coast get their richly deserved comeuppance. [1,377 words] The Two Bills (Short Stories) William Shakespeare fails to get to grips with Microsoft Word. [777 words] Vomiting On Tony (Short Stories) The Mad Messiah (AKA Tony Blair) gets what he thoroughly deserves. [499 words] [Humor] Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too (Short Stories) Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations. PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative l... [1,442 words] [Humor]
Providing For Sarah Xoggoth
I have done all I can. Sarah came to me back in 05 or 06, forget which. Just so tired now and my mind is hazy, dimming toward a final extinction.
It was summer then too. The bell rang; too insistently to ignore. The bloke was smartly dressed, elderly and looked as ill as I have seen anyone look outside of a coffin. Even in the bright July sunshine his complexion appeared dull grey. He held an expensive looking bunch of flowers. "Hello" he said "Sorry to bother you but I wonder if I could look around, I have..." He paused, apparently searching for words "...connections here"
"Its not really convenient at the moment". It was of no interest to me if this sick old bloke was an improbable conman or thief and I no longer gave a damn if people saw how I lived, the discarded underclothes, the unwashed plates, all the dirt and detritus and stench of a existence spent mostly in sleep. Since the wife died and then the illness I just never wanted to see anyone. In the beginning I had had intentions. Eating out of a tin, I would say to myself "Tomorrow, for sure, I'll start to get myself out of this". Before going back to bed. After a few months I just ate from the tin, skipped the intentions, and went back to bed, It saved energy.
"Actually" he said, "Its really just the garden I'd like to see". Some spark of interest was left in me. "Well ok" I said "come round the side". He seemed to have a purpose and with little conversation made a slow halting path to the bottom of the overgrown garden. Looking around as if to get his bearings he laid the flowers just behind the greenhouse with its broken panes and then stood silently looking at the ground. After a minute he came to. He gestured at the long unkempt grass. "Sarah". And walked off a little quicker than he had come, as though some burden heavier than the flowers had gone from him. I just stood staring at the ground.
Maybe I should have called the police; not really sure why I didn't, but for some odd reason the whole affair seemed like something private. I spent a couple of hours that afternoon with the fork and spade but found nothing more macabre than broken glass and earthworms. It was the most effort I had expended in a year and it left me aching but less depressed than I had felt in all that time. That evening I watched the news on TV. Does not sound much I know, but it was the first time I had had any interest in the world for so long.
Next morning I walked down there and, standing in the mud, felt less alone. "Who are you" I whispered "and why are you here?" Although there was no sound except the rustle of the wind in the Beech hedge and the murmur of traffic on the main road, an amused female voice "Sarah and I'm here for you". I started to stop by Sarah's place several times a day after that. I left little bouquets of the nicer weeds. I told her of all my grief and my loss and loneliness as I had never been able to tell anyone living or real. Sarah listened and understood and comforted and it seemed with every confidence another little piece of my cloud lifted from me. Within six months I had started to live in the world again, get out, rebuild friendships. I kept on talking to Sarah, my new life's steady companion, leaving proper flowers from the improving garden, sitting by her little patch come rain or sun, no longer conscious of any strangeness in talking to a square of earth with nothing under it but earthworms.
I had five or six good years with Sarah. Two months ago they found the cancer was back and it's everywhere it seems. Nothing they can do and I have been discharged from the hospital. Sent home to die. I told Sarah of course and as usual she was my strength and helped me to accept. When I awoke this morning to the July sun the certainty was solid inside me. It was the last time I would ever wake. So hard to get out of bed. At the window I looked at the garden and the little area behind the greenhouse. Panic, not for myself, I am resigned to it now, but what will happen to Sarah when I am gone? Left alone down there. Who else will understand, bring her flowers and talk to her?
There is a chap in the next village who lost his wife a few months ago. Sees nobody and has really let himself go I heard. It took me almost an hour this morning to make myself presentable in my decent suit and as long again to make the short walk to the bus stop. I walked up the weedy front path, carrying the flowers Mrs. Avery gave me and rang the bell. After a long delay, my fourth ring brought an unshaven man in a dirty vest to the door. There was a stale odour of unwash.
"Hello" I said "Sorry to bother you but.."
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