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The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato
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TITLE (EDIT)
The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato |
DESCRIPTION
Achie learns of the greats of bodily functions and meets the greatest of them all.
[781 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor |
AUTHOR
Xoggoth |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
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[March 2004] |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (25)
A Capital Fart (Short Stories) The redundant London underground is pressed into service to win a world farting contest. [736 words] [Humor]
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Back To The Garden (Short Stories) Depressing the extent to which everything is being dumbed down these days. Poor state education? Is that all it is? [527 words] [Mind]
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The Adventures Of Archie 5a - The Army Surplus Salesman (Short Stories) Archie learns the truth they try and keep from us, that being disembowelled is fun, meets a descendant of the Piltdown man and travels to the army surplus fair to find Little Boy is no bargain. [913 words]
The Adventures Of Archie 6 - A Peaceful Solution (Short Stories) Following a Little Boy explosion Archie find himself on a desolate plain and meets two tribes who are too stupid to realise that war and bloodshed are by far the most efficient means of resolving disp... [1,271 words] [Humor]
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The Adventuresof Archie 5b - The Army Surplus Salesman's Tale (Short Stories) Continued. [1,116 words]
The Fly And... (Short Stories) That Geoff Goldblum had it easy! One fly?? I should have been so lucky! [483 words] [Humor]
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The Adventures Of Archie 4a - The Great Regurgitato
Xoggoth
Archie had fallen into the Tedium-Delirium Matrix where things oscillated wildly, according to mathematical rules that nobody fully understood, between the very humdrum and the outré. He fell thirty miles through a dense cloud of washing machine repairs, tax returns and cans of that stuff you remove oil from drives with. Then he fell sixty miles through a miasma of yellow inside-out dragons, galaxy consuming starfish and super-intelligent bacteria busily un-inventing the Sikorski helicopter according to their ancient lore. The transitions got faster and faster as he speeded up; cling film and bin liners, huge castles built out of sharks, Morris Maestro vans with dodgy gearboxes, geraniums mulching chartered architects with shredded licensed child minder. It became a blur.
Then stopped abruptly. Archie's teeth bounced on some hard flagstones. His gums followed a minute later, followed by his head, his neck, his abdomen and so on, each part ramming itself under the force of the impact exactly back where it should have been. A far off cry "eeeeeeeeeeeeh" growing louder and louder. His little white tail plummeted down and attached itself neatly to his head just between his ears. It refused to go back above his bumhole, it had had quite enough of that, thanks very much. Apart from that, Archie was dazed but ok. The matrix had been in mid tedium cycle. Archie was in a grey and wind swept shopping mall somewhere in one of several SouthEast Englands.
On the small wooden bandstand in the centre was a tall and very fat man dressed in crimson. The huge crowd thronging the mall was largely silent, watching him with expectation. A skinny woman with one arm saw from his small and rabbitish appearance that he was a stranger. "You could not have come at a better time" she whispered, "just watch this, you will never see its like again"
The tall fat man in crimson gazed at his feet. He looked to the sky. Then at his feet, then the sky. Up, down, faster and faster, accompanied by a loud phoooh, phooh sound from his open mouth. With each phooh he was bigger than he was on the previous one. The belly contracting just slightly as he looked down, swelling immensely as he looked up. He seemed to be pumping himelf up. He stopped, the enormous bulk creaking against the railings of the bandstand on every side. He looked up once more, paused, still and silent for a full minute. The crowd too was totally silent.
Then it began. Just from his mouth for a split second and then from an increasing area. It came from his person and from the air surrounding him. It came from everywhere and nowhere and it came in storms, in volcano like eruptions, in gigantic tidal waves. An immense deluge of vomit crashed over the mall. It roared against the shop windows, smashing them in and continuing on, scarcely abated, to carry away travel goods, CD players, trendy trainers, kitchenware, ladies' shoes, expensive designer wear and cheap seconds without discrimination or any sense of fashion. It drowned the crowd nearest the bandstand in an instant, the breath driven from their bodies by the impact. Further away, people survived just a little longer, but they all died with ecstasy on their faces. "Oh joy, joy, joy,” said the skinny one-armed woman before she went under.
The surge stopped. A yellow lake stood at the tops of the store windows, stilling quickly as the few surviving human forms beneath the surface twitched their last. Only the tall fat man up on his bandstand and Archie, floating on a bundle of the Big Issue, remained. The fat man waved and the lake withdrew as rapidly as it had come but with scarcely a ripple in the receding surface. When it had gone the flagstones of the mall were revealed, clean and totally dry. Only Archie still carried the sticky and rancid smelling residues in his spiked fur. Of the crowd there was no sign whatever.
The fat man, now back to credible human dimensions, ambled over to Archie. "You must be a stranger here,” he said. "If you had been wearing the proper clothes rather than that shabby old fur of yours you would now have been in as happy a place as these others" He waved at the empty mall. "I wasn't always blessed with the ability to bring happiness like this you know. Let me tell you how it all happened" Archie started to hop off, but something in the fat man's sudden frown told him it would not be a good idea, so he crouched down and tried to ignore the itching and the horrible smell in his fur.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2003 Xoggoth |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
March 2004 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2015
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