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TITLE (EDIT)
Snakeyes - Part One |
DESCRIPTION
A futuristic martyr plays games with death for recognition and money.
[366 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Science Fiction |
AUTHOR
David Con |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
-
[December 2004] |
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
doc5946@yahoo.com |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (4)
Love Is Blind (Poetry) You figure it out. [131 words] [Horror]
Pain Is My Friend (Poetry) A man realizes with depressing clarity that pain is his closest companion. [52 words] [Health]
Snakeyes Part Two (Short Stories) The battle begins. [305 words] [Science Fiction]
The World Keeps Turning (Poetry) - [60 words] [Mind]
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Snakeyes - Part One
David Con
Taslow sat cross legged in a lotus position across
from the mutant cobra.
His eyes were fixed on the snake's eyes; not in
fear, but in concentration.
Meditation.
He knew if he didn't stare the beast down before
the battle even began, it would have an immediate
advantage over him; the beast's eyes, despite the
fact mutated from 200 years of Goverment-funded-
DNA -cross-breeding, were still hypnotizing,almost
mesmerizing. If you you stared into them too long..
...well...it could mean Talow's instant death.
It was all just a game a game, yes, BUT, still
a game which held a very high price to win.
Death.
Taslow had been doing this for years, was marked
with many battle scars, but, as always, he didn't
intend to end up on the short end of the stick.
He was tall; at least six foot four, 256 pounds.
Muscular from years of battle with numerous,
mutant, inbred abominations that had damn near killed
him, but hadn't yet. He was one tough sonofabitch.
The snake, almost twenty feet long and weighing
in at around 100 pounds, had eyes the size of
eggs, an eerie emerald green, and also held in them
years of experience in killing. It's fangs, saber-like,
held the jaw pressure of a tiger, and were razor
sharp.
Death-incarnate.
As Taslow sat wired, ready to kill, his senses
acute, smelling the huge snake's foul, hot breath,
the ring announcer bellowed the opening statements;
''Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show!
Tonight, we have a very welcome and anticipated
return act! In the right side of the ring, we have
Taslow Armand! The warrior of the wasteland! The
master of fuckin disaster! He could eat lead and
shit bullets!
The crowd cheered, spat, drank alien hooch, and
then calmed down.
''And on the left side of the ring, we have
King Willie, the king of cobras, the king of bite,
the king of fright! He has teeth like a shark,
the hypnotizing eyes of a jezebel, and will make
you wish you'd never been born! Are we ready for
the show?''
The crowd cheered in anticipation.
''Well then! Lets get on with it!!''
As the snake coiled it's body into and S shape,
ready to strike, Taslow's head lunged forward, his
filed teeth aiming for the snake's throat.
The battle had begun.
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READER'S REVIEWS (5)
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"Very intriguing...I'm going for part two now" -- km.
"without a doubt in my mind who the real author is of this piece. Taslow = Death-incarnate = Doc" -- D. G. Williford.
"it truly is, Doc! Man, I've missed this stuff!" -- e. rocco caldwell.
"Well, Doc, or David, whichever you prefer, I have not previously read any of your work, but I decided to read it now because of the uproar on the Advisor board. What follows is my honest, unbiased opinion. He knew if he didn't stare the beast down before the battle even began, it would have an immediate advantage over him. If you you stared into them too long.. ...well...it could mean Talow's instant death. You’re contradicting yourself. In my opinion, staring down a beast will take a while. It was all just a game a game, yes, BUT, still a game which held a very high price to win. I don’t understand why you wrote ‘but’ in capital letters. There are better ways of emphasizing words. This way, the word pulled me out of the story. but, as always, he didn't intend to end up on the short end of the stick. ‘Short end of the stick’ is cliched. Use something more original. It's fangs, saber-like, No comma here. Never for possessive it. the ring announcer bellowed the opening statements; ''Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show! Tonight, we have a very welcome and anticipated return act! In the right side of the ring, we have Taslow Armand! The warrior of the wasteland! The master of fuckin disaster! He could eat lead and shit bullets! Firstly, a semi-colon preceded the dialogue. Over here in the UK we use either a comma or a colon. Never semi-colon. But that doesn’t mean you don’t use semi-colons over there. Too many exclamation marks. Elmore Leonard said that you should aim for two exclamation marks per hundred thousand words. Now, of course that’s a blanket statement intended for novel, and can’t work for everything. But in this case, I think you’ve gone for the easy option. Plus you’ve already used ‘bellowed’, which I think says enough. ''Well then! Lets get on with it!!'' One exclamation mark is forgiveable. Two are not. As the snake coiled it's body into and S shape, It should read ‘an S-shape’. You’ve again used ‘it’s’ instead of ‘its’. Either you are using Spellcheck and not re-reading, or you unaware of the punctuation rule. Either way, spelling errors and typos are insulting to the reader. Why? Because by reading your story, they are giving you their undivided attention (well, most of the time, at least). You not going through your story and finding all the typos means you couldn’t care less. That is lazy writing. Taslow's head lunged forward. Why only head? Without the rest of his body following, his head couldn’t lunge further than a few inches. I think Taslow lunged would be a better choice. " -- Brandyn , London.
"This is writing? This is the kind of product you master critics, E.Rocco, D.G.,km, and many others I'm sure, consider worthy of recognition, admiration and praise? A smattering of fantasia, a regurgitation of animated televison anti-hero serials,narration and dialogue on par with comic book writers - Sorry Virginia, there is no Santa Claus - just the work of an insecure, copycat, charletan, who masquerades as a prolific and creative teller of tales. But on this site........ as in the land of the blind - the one-eyed man is king. That sums up nicely my father's sentiments about most of the writers who post on Storymania. " -- Emil Sorrell, (Lester's son).
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2004 David Con |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
October 2004 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2105
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