"Life is meaningless!" I shout for the sixteenth time. Peaking over
the side again I feel the adrenaline rush. It could all end here, now.
I tried my hardest to accomplish the impossible and it lead to the
inevitable. My defeat may have been slow in coming; however, it is the
sure end of all who seek truth. Truth, by its very nature, is easily
found; but the moment it is touched by mankind it is corrupted and
twisted to serve our purposes. Therefore the search for truth is long,
hard, and always slow. It is not an endeavor for the impatient. I have
spent the last five of my twenty-six years on this earth searching for
the truth. I have traveled the world, searched the past, present, and
future for this elusive concept, and in the last month I have learnt
all I wanted to, and so much more that I did not. I look over the edge
to my inevitable demise once again and feel the only thing left to
feel. Acceptance of my end. This will all be over, and it is all too
long in coming, at last peace will arrive, and with it will come the
reward I have rightfully received in exchange for all of my sacrifice.
I look once more over the edge; waver for a moment living on the
suspense, and jump.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die. I hope to
record everything that has happened if his statement is true. Then the
truth will be widespread, and with it will come mass hysteria. It is
fitting that I bring an end to the world. After all, I helped it
become what it is.....
Ch. 1:
I watch the ground rushing to meet me. Mocking me with every
advancement. "Come to me" It leers. I stop, inches from the vile
ground. "What? Am I too good for you?" It taunts. "I forgot my
letter," I calmly respond. "Oh, that's your excuse." The ground smiles
slyly. "Yes." I smile back with grim satisfaction, realizing that I am
conversing with something inanimate. "Yes it is." I mutter.
Walking, walking, spinning, laughing, I walk home, from home, to it.
What say you sun? Like what I have? I have much, much, more. Point to
the cranium, laughing again, what is the point of conversation with
those who have never lived? Entertainment I remind myself. The core
value of humanity. Eat drink, get fat, and die. You need entertainment
in between, life is dull, but would be unbearable without the
unexplainable feeling you get from talking to those who do not listen.
Rain, snow, snow, hail. Moisture of some sort falling towards the
taunting ground. Some caught by the mocking trees, and plants. Life
unfinished they melt in agony. Not completing the journey they lived
for. Arriving at the door to my cell I knock. Smiling at the irony of
it. No one home. I giggle, fun, fun, amusing, idiotic. Feeling
exciting dread. I'm telling them tomorrow tomorrow. Life isn't real.
Whether they are part of my vision I know not. I sit at the small
table. Lamps lit, screaming light. I write what I know.
1. We all must have entertainment
2. Dreams are the ultimate form
3. Life does not exist as we believe
4. We are all dreaming now
5. Our dreams are full lives
6. At point of sleep we loose all memories of real life.
Conclusion: Life is a dream
Smiling I hug myself. Belief, is that what I expect? No. But I will
awaken the sleeping to the truth if I can. I made it all wrong. My
fault. Beyond repair. Fixing is impossible now. Time for truth. I
realize in the back of my mind that the candle is low. Wax burning,
burning, falling, melting. Pools stream unto the plate below. I watch
in amazement as some falls, some hardens, then, in one last defiant
move the candle flares and is extinguished by what made it live. My
mind tries to convince me of a metaphor, but I am above that. I stare
in awe at the candle so easily extinguished. Like the life I lead. So
easy to end, give in, fall, fall, hit the ground. I sing to myself
"Let's fall, fall, hit the ground. Love, live, revel in the sound"
laughter consuming me I fall to the ground of my cell in a ball. Did I
lock the door? No I didn't. I laugh again "come get me" I whisper to
myself. Shiver in the dark. Goodbye for now amusing life, I will
dream.
Ch. 2:
Feeling Phantoms fill me with fear. Living, liking, loving false
feelings, fake faults blamed on father carried unto prodigal son. So
they said the sorrow say me in a low spot in my subconscious.
Self-pity pulling, pushing me into lying little lies. He-he, happiness
dependent on sanity? No! Never needing love in a life of lies leaves
little left for enjoyment. Envy every exciting endeavor accomplished
as a youthful young man. My family faking feelings for me as I drop
deeper into darkness. Ascending again as an accomplished lunatic.
Always seeing serenity is a soul void of sanity. Inside immediately
idolizing idioticy. Innocence in dependence of intelligence. Childlike
cheer continually compromised as I learn to live like loving normal
people. Sanity finally faked, full hope of happiness accomplished
through hiding hell harbored within. Sanity faked full of unstable
urges. Using you for understanding of your nature. Usually not telling
the truth to those cherishing, close ones hurt the most by the truth.
Telling that would end in individual ignorance of importance. Feelings
clouding judgment. Leaving justice just moments from loss. Feeling
human has huge holds on my conscious. Do I even envy normal never
different carbon clones of every other? Perfection permissible but
preferred taint to the tangible truth upheld. No one needs knowledge
when walked with through turbulent life. Leaving love, living like
soulless systematic sons of sanity. Society defines the indefinable.
Sanity, society's son, holds hope in high regard.
Ch. 3:
Waking from my dreamlike thoughts I hear the door open. He's here.
Door swings open, creak, then shut. Fun people here now, company here
now. Live normal now. Speaking..."Hey, How's it going?" hehe, he
doesn't know, no one knows. He speaks, "Where were you last night?"
worry, wrinkle the left brow. "We were worried that..." See! I told
you! Now he is embarrassed, nervous, maybe ashamed. Ha! Fun game.
Talking again, this time I move my lips, not him. Beat him to it! Yes!
Fun, fun, fun, game! "Thought what." So proud of my disguise. So good
at normal-speak. Him, the guy, nervous again. Looks red. Like a red,
red rose. 'mommy had a baby and it's head popped off.' Oh, the
innocent monstrosity of childhood! "We thought that you..." The
stalling again! Stupid idiotic normal people. Sanity, such a
hindrance. No fun. Always scared of how others feel, and how they
look. Idiots! 'Lets speak again' I whisper, 'Talk to him.' Giggle
inside, so much fun! "What is it? Just say it." It feels weird.
Talking, speaking, speaking, thinking, fun. Here he goes again. "We
thought you were acting crazy again." He laughs off the nervousness.
Like me! Ha! Funny sane people.
ch. 4:
Cry out, hit the floor, they don't understand, they will die blind and
ignorant. Why?! The ridiculous is determined by them. They could
believe me if they weren't concerned with change. They think that
anything beyond the physical is nonexistent. Life is dependent on
touch. Mans ultimate fear is the unknown. What could be less known
than the intangible? Human emotion is the core of their existence,
and, for that reason, they can say it is believable although everyone
knows it is intangible. Can you see love, hate, or pain? No! You
can't! Does this mean it does not exist? No! Why deny existence based
on appearance, or lack of? My goal is unachievable now. Life useless.
I will end it. I should have before.
"Life is meaningless!" I shout for the sixteenth time. Peaking over
the side again I feel the adrenaline rush. It could all end here, now.
I tried my hardest to accomplish the impossible and it lead to the
inevitable. My defeat was slow in coming, however, it is the sure end
of all who seek truth. Truth, by its very nature, is easily found, but
the moment it is touched by mankind truth is corrupted, and twisted to
serve our purposes. Therefore the search for truth is long, hard, and
always slow. It is not an endeavor for the impatient. I have spent the
last five of my twenty-six years on this earth searching for the
truth. I have traveled the world, searched the past, present, and
future for this elusive concept, and in the last month I have learnt
all I wanted to, and so much more that I did not. I look over the edge
to my inevitable demise once again and feel the only thing left to
feel. Acceptance of my end. This will all be over, and it is all too
long in coming, at last peace will arrive, and with it will come the
reward I have rightfully received in exchange for all of my sacrifice.
I look once more over the edge; waver for a moment living on the
suspense, and jump.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die. I hope to
record everything that has happened if his statement is true. Then the
truth will be widespread, and with it will come mass hysteria. It is
fitting that I bring an end to the world. After all, I helped it
become what it is.....
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