This place holds so much memory. This place was my safe place where I could be alone. I could hide, look out at the beautiful and sometimes ruff view and just forget the world. It was so sacred to me. I pull into the car park and position myself in my usual spot. I look down at the dirty, dented box. Why did I ever show you this place?....I never come here anymore.
I take the elastic band off from around the box and remove the lid. Staring at me is an envelope that reads You & Me. I dig further into the box until I pull out what I am looking for. The CD case reads Kings, but inside I pull out the CD titled S.H.E.D. I push it into my CD player and some old Cold Chisel starts to play. I stare out at the ocean and just listen for a while. Its time to do this, its time to let go, its time to free myself.
I reach for the envelope and pull out the letter. Reading through this letter reminds me of the pain and hurt I felt when I wrote it. It explains everything that’s in this small, dirty box. I don’t feel much emotion as I read through the letter. At the very end I signed it with the following; with hope of a better future, Stephanie. It just goes to show that I did have hope that I was more together when I eventually opened this box of memories.
I sat there for a minute and thought about the night that I drunkenly dug the hole in my parent’s front yard. I thought about how badly I needed to burry everything because I couldn’t let it go. I thought about the last thing I put in the box before I closed and sealed it and dropped it into the cold earth. I thought about how I filled in the hole, covered the box with dirt, so that no-one would ever know that I had buried something.
The one song I knew I would have to face sooner or later started playing. I listened and didn’t really feel any pain, I felt nothing. “I wanted us more, you wanted us less. Could not kiss, just regress,” these words played out and I finally realized that I didn’t hurt; I had accepted the way things were.
I pulled out the dark blue wife beater that once smelt of you. It didn’t smell like you the day I buried it, but all the same I pulled it too my face and smelt it. There was no trace of you whatsoever. I would have liked to have smelt you just one last time. I placed it back into the box and pulled out the hand written letter.
I wrote this letter at the cross roads in our relationship. It was a goodbye letter. It was at the point before we got in over our heads, when I probably should have walked away. I gave you this letter and I watched you break. I broke that day too, was the hardest letter I ever had to write. It wasn’t fair that because of the circumstances we couldn’t be together. Thank god you begged for me to come back. Imagine what we would have missed. I didn’t think anything in this box could make me cry, until I read the part of the letter where I said, ‘I will never forget that day we promised each other that we would never forget what we had.’ At the time it was only friendship, who knew it would ever have been more.
I continued looking through the box. I started to read the letters I wrote you after the day you told me you just didn’t love me anymore. They were the letters you would never get to read, it was the pain you would never get to see. I only got through one letter because I realized that it was no longer the way I felt towards you. I really didn’t need to re-live that pain. I then looked at all the other memories in the box and realized they were just objects; I had no connection to them anymore.
I looked down at the last thing in the box, the most precious thing in that box. I reached down and pulled out my heart. It wasn’t of course my real heart, I was no Davey Jones. It was a silver heart that once hung around a long chain that wore around my neck. I used to pretend it was my real heart. I placed that chain around your neck one day and told you I was giving you my heart. The heart used to always fall off the chain it was always unstable, much like our relationship. Then it fell of the day I realized you didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I was supposed to fix it, but I never did. And then a week later you told me you just didn’t love me anymore. Funny how things just seem to work like that.
I put everything back into the box and get out of my car. I go around to my bonnet and sit on it. Is this what love was supposed to be like for the brokenhearted? Are we supposed to love uncontrollable and then burry those emotions until we can deal with the hurt and then let it all go? I sat there wondering about this. There was nothing left to do. I kiss the box and say I am sorry we couldn’t make it work. I guess I don’t know if I still love you, but something I do know is that it doesn’t matter anymore. I walk towards the edge of the cliff and throw the box over the edge.
Looking down at the heart that was still in my right hand, ‘I think it’s about time I hung you around my neck again.’ I get back into my car and took one last look out at the ocean. The sun was setting behind me. It was just so beautiful. I turn on my car and drive away, without looking back. Maybe I will come back here again.
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