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TITLE (EDIT)
Dor Omhan |
DESCRIPTION
"It was... my wife's," Jrudam said, much to Omhan's embarressment, "An earring. I had it made for her on our wedding day, but she would not except it. She told me, when I presented it to her, 'Women of the Royen clan are not given their earrings. They rip them out of the cold ears of their enemies, or do not walk fashionably adorned at all.'"
Jrudam smiled fondly in rememberence, but touching the earring once again, he sighed.
"She died last year, and I have not had the strength to rid myself of it's enchantment. For on the earring is the emblem of a peacock, a proud and beautiful creature, as was she. She enchanted me."
[2,810 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Literary Fiction |
AUTHOR
Kai Zi Led |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
I've always wanted to make people see what it is I see. I don't care whether that individual agrees or not, or even understands it totally... but I feel it is a gift to have someone; just for a moment, even; get lost in what it is you've written and appreciate your thoughts for what they are: you.
[February 2002] |
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
trying2breathe@hotmail.com |
READER'S REVIEWS (10)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"Hmm... no hits, no reviews... it figures. Just click on the title "dor Omhan' if you're confused... I was, at first." -- Kai Zi Led, Author.
"Hello Mr.? Ms.? Zi Led or is it Led? I’m sorry I’m such a dunce when it comes to figuring out who people are. Anyway, I was told by the Storymania Advisor that you might be willing to help. I hope he’s said the same to you, so I don’t sound like a complete idiot and you wonder why I’ve bothered you. Anyway I’d like you to help me with my writing, the medication should work just fine for my neurosis, but won’t clear up a story that I want to actually go somewhere and improve upon. I agreed to do whatever I can for yours, though I’m hoping you’re a better critiquer than I am, because to me it looks like your work is great, and I sure could use the help. I’ll get down to the nitty gritty in my next post, once I’ve had time to analyze your story." -- O. Hale.
"Grammar Corrections: Line 3: No such word as “unfamously.” Line 3: Should be “so-called” Line 6: Should be “else’s” Line 11: “messenger” Line 12: Capitalize “River” because it is a specific river. Line 16: “messenger” Line 19: “children’s,” “possibilities,” and “distinctly” Line 26: “messenger” Line 28: “forgotten” Line 42: Nice word but “untrodden” doesn’t exist. Try “loose” or “the way that wasn’t trodden” Page 2: “embarrassed,” “all right,” “heartstrings,” “the they”? (one of these words doesn’t belong), “travelers,” “month’s” Page 3: His voice “cracked” with age, “hardheaded,” “sacrifice,” ”forgotten,” “alignment” Page 4: “contemplate,” “embarrassment,” “accept,” “remembrance,” “embarrassment” Page 5: “tender-heart,” “recognized,” “immediately,” “recognized” Punctuation Corrections: Line 34: Change the semi colon to a comma. Page 3: Unnecessary comma: "Hark, Lor Kheillador! It is Omhan, do you remember me? Page 4: Incomplete sentence: A Mekun bowman, perhaps? Period after “chided himself” (This makes the second “be brave” an incomplete sentence, but it is acceptable) Page 5: No, it is not. the best thing. (Get rid of the first period) I’m afraid I’m not a very good critic beyond grammar and punctuation, and can’t really tell you how to improve this story beyond those points. I just simply don’t know how to. Hope I’ve helped a little though. " -- Orchidea.
"EXCELLENT ENDING. There are still a few misspellings that need to be fixed, but it's a great story. You could add something about Kheillador choosing a successor -- you just kind of leave that hanging. Also, the name "Dor" is not mentioned until rather late in the story. Perhaps you should introduce Omhan as "Dor Omhan" instead of just "Omhan". Then you could omit the "Dor" from his name, and we can assume that "Omhan" is a shortened version of his name. Besides the grammar problems, there's not much I can find wrong with this piece. Again, I love the ending! A sort of "Lady and the Tiger", isn't it?" -- Bitch.
"You mean it's both technically flawless and a great perfect story. I find that very hard to believe, since I weep just looking at its incompleteness. Are you certain you don't wish to review it, or are you getting an error message when you try to review like I sometimes get. If so, tell me at o_hale@hotmail.com and I'll send you a personal copy of Steel Wheels. I'd appreciate it." -- O. Hale.
"It's fine if you don't want to review it. Just one more liar I suppose." -- O. Hale.
"I'm taking it down now. Thanks for nothing." -- O. Hale.
"a good writing, but as O Hale said, "it's hard to believe it's a perfect and technically flawless story." maybe if you took a little more time to correct it, it would be better if not perfect! good luck on other stories." -- alex the writing girl.
"O. Hale dont judge me, u dont know me. I just went throught he hardest two months ofmy entire life. i dont expect anything in my story to be 'complete' or even good, i dont believe i have ANY talent. i dont blame u for being angry and do understand i read and reread ur story and WILL critique it when i have time it is a good story... just hard to sa anyting about " -- Kai Zi Led.. Kimberly De Liz.
"I'm sorry Kimberly that things didn't work out better between you and Orchidea as I would've hoped. It is downright tragic for you to say that you don't have any talent, Kimberly, when you so obviously do. I'm not sure that even I could've achieved something comparable to this piece. I fear critiquing it in detail though, because I don't know what might upset you, and it tends to be quite easy to upset writers by pointing out perceived or actual flaws. I'm sure that you've seen much the same from your dealings with Orchidea, who has asked me as well never to contact her again. Some writers can be defensive about their work, others such as Orchidea can be neurotic, and still others such as yourself can be overly stressed for whatever reasons. If you need any help, even if it isn't writing related, perhaps I can help; you know where to find me.--The Advisor" -- JA St.George.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2002 Kai Zi Led |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
February 2002 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
644
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