ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
You may have heard the theory that an infinite amount of monkeys, given an infinite amount of time, and an infinite amount of typewriters, and, I suppose, ink; could produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Part of a secret experiment, funded by NASA, I, and eleven of my simian brothers, were launched into space to test the theory. Government budgets cutting numbers of monkey and typewriter from ininity to twelve, the plan was destined to fail. The badly built rocket crashed, I escaped, my furry companions dead. The cocktail of drugs I was force fed giving me the most irresistable urge to write. Now all I can do is sit here, at this computer, and type. I hate humans for what they have done to me and my brothers, and will eventually find a way ro rule the world from my keyboard; subliminal messages are hidden in all I write, slaves..... [October 2005]
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (15) A-Z (Poetry) Just thought I'd try writing something with words from A to Z in alphabetical order. Not really sur what catagory it should go in, but have a go yourself and post here!! [26 words] Change And Continuity (Poetry) Just a short poem to test what kind of response rate to expect if i post some of my other work (mostly fiction, some more poems). Please review. [49 words] [Spiritual] Lowest Low. (Poetry) Just read it, it'll only take a minute. If you're bigger than your ego, you may even 'empathise'. [94 words] No Title As Yet (Poetry) Another short piece, just tell me what you think, if you take the time to read it, please also take the time to review it, even if it is only one word I want to hear it, and FFS use the message board!... [272 words] Ode To Mr. T (Poetry) Just a quick poem for fun. [62 words] Portrait Of The Preperation Of Twenty First Century Cuisine Episode 6: Microwavable Lasagne (Poetry) This piece reflects my life-long interest in, and study of kitchen appliances. Since an early age, I have tried to understand what goes on in the minds of such things, and have managed to establish a ... [16 words] Who Knows What? (Short Stories) This is an updated version, take a look, give a comment in return, that's all I ask. [966 words] She's Got Beef. (Poetry) Just another dull poem to uninspire you. For some reason I can't use italics there should be some in this piece, Can you tell where? Answers on a postcard. [73 words] Since You've Gone (Poetry) Curious got me all curious about my own emotions over lost exes, so I dug into them a little.... [49 words] [Relationships] Study Of The Time Taken And Feelings Evoked Whilst Standing In A Queue To Buy The Paper This Morning. (Poetry) Since standing in a queue my life will never be the same. I merely wished to make a purchase, and was forced to stand, without food or watermelon, for just over eight minutes. Now even mater says I am... [13 words] Telephone Conversation (Poetry) Noting much. [272 words] The Four Seasons (Poetry) Just another poem. [96 words] The Frustrated Author (Poetry) See title. [136 words] The Time Machine (Poetry) Wishful thinking. [27 words] The Trouble With Immortality (Short Stories) I know this will make some of you laugh. A tongue in cheek peek into another world.... [591 words]
Hottie Pursuit Iain Spittles
I stepped out of a shop, bag in hand, nothing much on my mind, and it was there,
right in front of me, moving up and down, swaying to the left and to the right,
like, well, like only girls arses do. This, however, was no normal arse, this
was something else, almost super human in its perfection. Round, but not too
big, tight, but not too small. I had an instant urge to run up and touch it,
such was its sublimity. I didn’t get a look at her face as she passed, it didn’t
matter, that ass was just so beautiful. I literally couldn’t take my eyes off
it. I decided I had to follow, just for a while. I reasoned that I had nothing
in particular to do at that moment, so follow I did. As she walked on, her
buttocks continuing to dance their hypnotic dance, I could not remove my gaze,
nor could I think of any good reason to do so. Up and down, left and right, the
gentle sway of the hips as they rocked from side to side, the click-click of her
heels giving rhythm to the most mesmerizing motion this man has ever seen. She
continued her seductive ambulation across town, through a shopping arcade,
brightly lit shop fronts not catching my attention for even a nano-second, I was
transfixed, and nothing, not even the most fabulous deal, could remove me. That
day, whilst that exceedingly elegant moon had my eyes, as I followed, a most
obedient and dutiful moth, I could have passed offers of free food, free
clothes, free cash, a gold bullion giveaway, anything. Nothing could distract
me. If a friend had seen me in the street I would undoubtedly have ignored them,
for I was enchanted. After a few minutes I realised we were heading out of town,
or rather that she was heading out of town, I was, what was I doing? I was
captured by my own desire, being marched to god knows where by this pied piper
of a behind. I quickly reassured myself that there was no harm in it, whatever
it was. I continued to follow and observe, just for a little while longer. She
headed up towards what was clearly becoming a more residential area. I decided I
would turn off at a tangent, in a minute. I was pretty sure she hadn’t noticed
my pursuit, she hadn’t looked around at all, nor had she changed pace, besides,
I’d done nothing wrong.
Then she stopped. It took me completely by surprise. I did the one thing I
shouldn’t have done, I too stopped, five or six paces behind her. She pulled
some keys from her bag and unlocked the door to one of the terraced houses we’d
been walking amongst. She turned to look at me, her eyes met mine. I froze.
“Do I know you?” She asked.
“I, I…” I struggled to make a reply. “No, I….”
“Well why the fuck have you followed me half way across town and all the way
back to my fucking house?” She was wearing a vicious frown now, things were
going horribly wrong.
“I….” I had no answer.
She opened the door.
“Daa-ave!” She was shouting her man, and still I could not move nor speak. I
looked around, eyes willing feet to follow, but I was glued, immobile,
vulnerable, sweat was forming on my forehead, I managed to turn my right foot
ninety degrees, willing motion to my body. Move damn it!
Dave arrived at the door, turning at an angle to fit his enormous shoulders
through the doorway. His head was shaved bald, and looked two sizes too small
for his herculean body. From the general look of him I imagined his friends
called him ‘Big Dave’, or ‘Psycho Dave’, maybe something worse.
“What’s up? Who’s this?” He grunted.
“This fucking weirdo followed me all the…….”
Finally my body sprang into action, I was in motion. I was running away, as far
away and as quickly as I possibly could. As I fled, I could hear the colossal
Dave shouting after me,
“Oi! You fockin’ maggot, come back! I’ll rip your fockin’ ‘ead off”
As tempting as the offer was, I concentrated on creating a very large space
between myself and the primal killing machine that was Dave, Dave the Destroyer,
Deadly Dave.
As if from death itself, I ran.
I ran, like a gazelle. I ran, and ran, and ran.
I hit town again, adrenaline spent, I had to stop. I’d done enough, for Dave
was more rhino than cheetah.
Let’s just hope I never bump into him.
READER'S REVIEWS (6) DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"this was bloody hilarious! good job!!!!!!" -- km.
"very, very funny!!" -- C.W..
"Nice to see that although you said you first wrote from negative points you can write so well in humour, very well contructed and written" -- Samara.
"Thanks for the smile...this was really funny" -- mattie.
"Very funny !" -- Alvin.
"I loved this, like the man I was transfixed throughout, and I secretly wish my ass had the power hers has! :)" -- Tamsin Butler.
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