A Fortuitous Meeting by Shelley J Alongi Aviation Series story 1. An emergency landing brings a pilot and a teacher together in a m... [16,996 words]
The Attorney's Assistant by Shelley J Alongi About a relationship between a U.S. attorney and an assistant. Emphasizes positive co... [7,617 words]
A Taste Of Death by Frank Dunsmore Dective Schmidt with Homicide of the Chicago PD is baffled by several arsenic poisonings. He a... [5,669 words]
The Animal Prison by L J Milakovic A zoo from an abused tiger's point of view. The abuse is too persistent for the tiger, and he... [823 words]
Resistance by Shelley J Alongi The actions and thoughts of a boy facing the bleak certainty of death in a Jewish ghetto in 1943. [1,414 words]
Hill Number 18 by Shelley J Alongi A major recalls taking his platoon out of a mine field in Vietnam. [1,225 words]
Timmya The Totter - And The Rise Of The Dead Part 2 by Rose Trimovski This next story has to deal with the next adventure that Ti... [6,731 words]
The Perfect Gift by T J Richards A woman goes to the middle east and finds the most unlikely of things while there. [1,681 words]
The Old Horse by Joan Bentley I wrote this one for my Dad and Arnold Palmer, believe it or not. Every year I would watch the U... [1,915 words]
The Magical Publishing Pen by Mila Strictzer Vegas and the devil. [4,596 words]
The Last Leaf by Abby Steed - [1,875 words]
The Gnome From Alaska by David Soriano A humorous short story involving... a gnome. [1,427 words]
The Cold Afterglow At The West End by David Soriano A short story involving mystery and some element of truth. [1,666 words]
The Band Played On by Sue (Sooz) Simpson - [1,486 words]
Tangled Web by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Treat `em mean and keep `em keen. [596 words]
Taking A Chance by Leigh Berry A story about facing fears while traveling in the post September 11 world. [679 words]
Sweet Child Of Mine by Sue (Sooz) Simpson The old lady had been brutally mugged, her son was sucjh a good boy, but would his thoughts... [1,843 words]
Scorn, Thy Name Is Woman by Norman A Rubin This is a story of murder committed by a meek little man upon his nagging and complain... [2,360 words]
Room For One More by Sue (Sooz) Simpson The dream was haunting and wouldn't leave Mike alone. [1,728 words]
Return Of The Hellcat (Erotica May Be Offensive) by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Please do not read this one if easily offended. Or even not so... [3,390 words]
Pact Of Joy. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson Don't we all just want to be happy? [2,497 words]
Out Of Print by Sue (Sooz) Simpson A man, a boy, a love of reading and echoes of the past. [2,007 words]
One-Man Race by Sue (Sooz) Simpson He had only his nerves to rely on. One slip and the race would be lost. [664 words]
Etagere by Karen L Snyder Étagère--Set in the 1920's during Prohibition, a lady's husband is killed in a saloon brawl. She is wit... [9,649 words]
Dreamscape by Mila Strictzer A story about dreams. [4,963 words]
Death At The Conservatory by Frank Dunsmore John Benson watched Charles Manning sip from his water bottle. Throwing a smug, disda... [3,239 words]
A Darker Night by Albert Davis I think that in this world people all have dual identities and what you see is seldom the truth ... [1,507 words]
A Brush With Death by Frank Dunsmore Homicide Detective Schmidt with the Chicago PD visits the Art Institute to take a break from... [5,169 words]
Would You Like To Swing On A Star by Lisa Petro A short story of less than 1000 words about what is and what might be. [568 words]
The Pirate Ship by Kurt Kitasaki A short satire on employment practices. [230 words]
The Origin Of Our Five Senses by Stephanie Siegfred A children's story of how we came about to have the sense of taste, touch, hear, ... [591 words]
The Night Dancers by Moya Green What do you do when your best friend gets himself captured by the fairies? [1,522 words]
The Fantastical Adventure Of William Solney by Daniel Birnbaum A story to relive that freedom of youth which touches your heart an... [9,401 words]
The Elves And The Preacher by Norman A Rubin A modern version of the fairy story which tells of a goodly cleric and how he copes ... [1,603 words]
Roch by Sunny Cybersex. [289 words]
Mourning Glory by Sue (Sooz) Simpson One of my favourite pieces. Please note *This is not a children's story* It's the tale of a litt... [1,786 words]
Mortar Doesn't Breathe. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson The house was inanimate, dead ... because her child was gone. [1,114 words]
Making My Way Back To You. by Sue (Sooz) Simpson She'd told them a thousand times to keep the front door closed, now tragedy had stru... [1,926 words]
Madness Becomes You by Sue (Sooz) Simpson She used to be someone, now she's several people, or maybe she's nobody at all, it makes no... [394 words]
Little Bird by Sue (Sooz) Simpson He liked fragile things [1,406 words]
Knockers
Just The Ticket by Sue (Sooz) Simpson You pays your money and you takes your chances. [5,177 words]
I've Always Wanted To Write... But! by Sue (Sooz) Simpson There's always an excuse if you want to find one. [510 words]
Is The Toilet Roll Half Full Or Half Empty by Sue (Sooz) Simpson It's hard when you're at bursting point. [423 words]
Airport Interrogation by Bryan Caron Susan thinks all men are jerks and doesn't feel she will ever find the right man until on... [2,579 words]
A Story With No Beginning by Bryan Caron A young writer wants to tell a fantastical tale but canot come up with a good beginni... [2,120 words]
A Date With Destiny by Stephanie Siegfred A suicide victim reflects upon her life and her fatal decision to end it when she is given ... [1,996 words]
The Wishfish by Moya Green Doris stared down at the kipper. The kipper stared back. "Don't eat me," it said. [1,861 words]
The Waiting Man by Dave Furniss - [577 words]
The Troubled Sky by Caitlin Gallacher-Turner A girl by the name of Cira, recently turned thirteen, discovers that she has the ability for s... [3,565 words]
The Midget by Nathaniel Perhay A story about a midget! [604 words]
The Heart Of The Storm by C G L Davies A bad storm makes me think. [586 words]
The Ghost Story Of Yotsu-Ya by Norman A Rubin The reader is brought to Japan during the era of the emperors - The story, based on... [1,961 words]
The Day I Killed Ryan Watts... by Lawrence Peters Just a joke inspired by a fellow poet. [157 words]
Story Of My Life by Ryan Watts A very short story with a meaning so shallow you'll puke. But read it anyway! [246 words]
Sixteen by Eloise H Anson Story about finding love, and the confusion, pain and angst that walks hand in hand with it. [3,411 words]
P.S.-I Love You by Pauline A White Frankie was just a good old country boy.He felt honored when Della became his woman. She was sm... [6,861 words]
Peter by Nathaniel Perhay A boy and his day! [1,100 words]
One More Fallen' by Jordan S Wilson a shrt overview of the tragic shooting of Tupac Shakure threw the eyes of his bodyguard. [1,944 words]
Noone To Nowhere by Alina Marquez Short story about a woman on a Greyhound bus to El Paso. [1,294 words]
Jacks, Or Better To Open by Lawrence Peters - [2,139 words]
Ghosts... by Lawrence Peters - [572 words]
From The Backbay Chronicles - Revival Week by Pauline A White Sundays in August were special times in the South. You had Revivals... [1,551 words]
From Backbay Chronicles - Mama And The Po-Lice by Pauline A White This is a story for pre and teenagers. It is part of a series o... [2,981 words]
From Backbay Chronicles - Visiting Day by Pauline A White Sometimes the Spirit can hit you really hard... [1,337 words]
Eyes by Lawrence Peters For Parker. [339 words]
Dogsbody by Moya Green It was during the great thunderstorm that George decided to become a dog [940 words]
Blood And Honour by Bradley Postma A tale of skinhead life and death... with a killer twist. Critiques are welcome. [10,135 words]
Backbay Chronicles - Randy And Sandy by Pauline A White 'A boy and his dog' is an old theme. Love is even older, and more rewardi... [2,696 words]
Baby Secrets... by Lawrence Peters Something you always want but should never have. [762 words]
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TITLE (EDIT)
Knockers |
DESCRIPTION
It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.
[2,210 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Drama |
AUTHOR
Sue (Sooz) Simpson |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
I'm thirty nine, recently single again. I have two boys Cli' (pronounced clee) Real name Christopher and Mark. I'm a care in the community nurse and formerly (when I was married) an occupational Therapist working with the mentally ill on a secure unit. I love reading and writing and meeting people. I hate offal, seafood and intolerance. I keep dog, cat, polecats, rats and reptiles. And for seven years ran the second largest reptile sanctuary in Britain. Apart from having my lads, I think that's probably the most worthwhile thing I've ever done. Writing wise, I've been the main fiction writer for Legends magazine for three years.And have two books published 'Lizard's Leap' published by Quillusers, and 'Better the Devil You Know' soon to be released by Bestbooks.Um I drive a knackered old Astra, and ride a two litre trike. I live in the lake district of England, and am happy. :-)
[January 2003] |
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
sooz.006@virgin.net |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (84)
A Fork In The Road. (Short Stories) A paradox revolving round the lonely Holker Mosses in the dead of night. [2,835 words] [Mystery]
A Twist In The Tail (Short Stories) - [963 words]
Agony (Short Stories) The First in a series of Agony columns written by the unstoppable Aunt Nasty. (May be deemed offensive) [1,200 words] [Comedy]
Agony 2 (Short Stories) Morew from the irrepresible Aunt Nasty (May be deemed offensive). [1,077 words] [Comedy]
Angel Stew (Short Stories) The kitchens are in uproar. [826 words] [Comedy]
Anne (Short Stories) - [707 words]
Apple Of His Eye (Short Stories) Daddy's little girl, Daddy's little sweetheart. (May be deemed offensive). [1,742 words] [Drama]
Attractions (Short Stories) People stared at the sisters and called them freaks. [678 words] [Drama]
Bandit At Twelve-O-Clock (Short Stories) A sinister note drops through her letter box, but who is it from and what's it all about? [2,144 words] [Drama]
Barriers (Short Stories) Everybody's frightened of the prisoner in the cell at the end of the block. [2,913 words] [Thriller]
Breakfast In Bed (Short Stories) She loved her husband so much, and a sepcial man deserves a special breakfast. [1,633 words] [Horror]
Car Trouble (Short Stories) Boys will be boys. [496 words] [Comedy]
Cat's Chorus (Short Stories) - [1,332 words]
Cherry Blossom (Short Stories) - [435 words]
Cold, Cold Night.. (Short Stories) The night was beautiful but biting, she had to make her final farewells, a cigarette would help. [630 words] [Drama]
Creeping Up From Behind. (Short Stories) You can't ever really know what someone else is thinking ... unless they choose to tell you. [925 words] [Drama]
Dark Solitude. (Short Stories) A woman alone on the moors when a storm threatens, but this is no ordinanry storm and that is no ordinary lady. [1,434 words] [Drama]
Dawn Rising (Short Stories) He looked at his own personal sunrise every morning, yet longed for the warmth of the sun. [1,069 words] [Drama]
Deadly Persuit (Short Stories) Nature at its most cruel .. when it's interfered with by man. [1,541 words] [Drama]
Deep Blue Eastern Light (Poetry) I've never been to Budapest, but I saw an image on a postcard, it was misty and had a sort of dreamy quality about it. I wondered about the spirit of Budapest. Hope I've done her justicce. [204 words]
Different Road (Short Stories) Charlie is running scared. Will he find his way before his precious time runs out? [521 words]
Empty House (Short Stories) This had been her domain, now it was only a shadow. [649 words] [Drama]
Find Me A Place (Poetry) Everybody needs somewhere to run. [193 words] [Drama]
Finding Fleur (Short Stories) Katy desperately wants to find Fleur, but does Fleur want to be found? [1,727 words] [Drama]
Four Minute Warning (Short Stories) - [476 words] [Comedy]
Freedom By Another Name (Short Stories) He's an imposter [557 words] [Drama]
Furtive Glances (Short Stories) Always the last to know! [891 words] [Drama]
Galaxy (Poetry) Let Venus bear witness and Mars be our guide. [139 words]
Hickory, Dickory, Dock (Short Stories) - [991 words] [Drama]
Is The Toilet Roll Half Full Or Half Empty (Short Stories) It's hard when you're at bursting point. [423 words] [Comedy]
I've Always Wanted To Write... But! (Short Stories) There's always an excuse if you want to find one. [510 words] [Mind]
Jasmine And Gardenia Love (Poetry) - [417 words] [Erotic]
Jinny (Poetry) - [176 words]
Just The Ticket (Short Stories) You pays your money and you takes your chances. [5,177 words] [Drama]
Little Bird (Short Stories) He liked fragile things [1,406 words] [Drama]
Lizards Leap (Novels) Four children buy an intricately carved frame from a school fair. A crazy old woman chases them desperately wanting the carving for herself. What is the mystery surrounding the strange frame? [5,753 words] [Adventure]
Long Walk Back To Jurassica (Poetry) Evolution and progress or three million steps backwards? [323 words] [Drama]
Lookingthrough The Window (Short Stories) - [401 words]
Madness Becomes You (Short Stories) She used to be someone, now she's several people, or maybe she's nobody at all, it makes no difference. [394 words] [Drama]
Making My Way Back To You. (Short Stories) She'd told them a thousand times to keep the front door closed, now tragedy had struck. [1,926 words] [Drama]
Memberwhen (Poetry) Memberwhen that mystical word of long ago memories. [189 words] [Drama]
Mortar Doesn't Breathe. (Short Stories) The house was inanimate, dead ... because her child was gone. [1,114 words] [Drama]
Mourning Glory (Short Stories) One of my favourite pieces. Please note *This is not a children's story* It's the tale of a little girl trying to be a child. [1,786 words] [Drama]
Mumbles From The Madhouse (Novels) It was her first day on the secure unit and somehow she had to see it through. [2,215 words] [Drama]
My Friend The Tiger And Me (Poetry) I wrote this for my little boy when he was having trouble at school. [942 words] [Animal]
Naughty Bunny Goes To Ibiza (Short Stories) - [552 words]
One-Man Race (Short Stories) He had only his nerves to rely on. One slip and the race would be lost. [664 words] [Drama]
Out Of Print (Short Stories) A man, a boy, a love of reading and echoes of the past. [2,007 words] [Drama]
Outrun The River (Poetry) The snow was melting fast and he owed it to himself and his seld of dogs to make it to safety. [145 words] [Action]
Pact Of Joy. (Short Stories) Don't we all just want to be happy? [2,497 words] [Drama]
Play With Me Please. (Short Stories) - [322 words]
Return Of The Hellcat (Erotica May Be Offensive) (Short Stories) Please do not read this one if easily offended. Or even not so easily offended. Continuing sexploits of Dark Solitude. [3,390 words] [Erotic]
Room For One More (Short Stories) The dream was haunting and wouldn't leave Mike alone. [1,728 words] [Drama]
Rush Hour (Short Stories) - [419 words]
Sally (Short Stories) - [2,268 words]
Sinister Music (Novels) She had no psychic ability, so why had fate chosen her to foretell of the spate of brutal murders? [6,114 words] [Drama]
So This Is My Life Then (Short Stories) - [517 words] [Comedy]
Space Walk (Short Stories) May Cause offense. [1,290 words] [Drama]
Spirit Dancer (Poetry) - [514 words]
Sweet Child Of Mine (Short Stories) The old lady had been brutally mugged, her son was sucjh a good boy, but would his thoughts now turn to revenge? [1,843 words] [Drama]
Tangled Web (Short Stories) Treat `em mean and keep `em keen. [596 words] [Drama]
The Band Played On (Short Stories) - [1,486 words] [Drama]
The Big Picture (Short Stories) The little girl was a great artist, but her subject matter was giving cause for concern. [776 words] [Drama]
The Comet. (Short Stories) Remember! [796 words] [Drama]
The Dinosaur (Short Stories) - [1,523 words]
The Half Empty Glass. (Short Stories) They had no idea of the horror they were walking into. [3,030 words] [Drama]
The Hhmmm Efect (Poetry) - [783 words]
The Iceberg (Short Stories) She had to break the hold they had on him... release him from his parents grip. [410 words] [Drama]
The Joker (Short Stories) - [2,032 words]
The Lovers (Poetry) - [124 words]
The Mark Of Jack (Short Stories) The start of something maybe. [1,044 words] [Drama]
The Old Enemy (Short Stories) I just hope I've got the names right. [253 words] [Drama]
The Rosary (Short Stories) May cause offense. [422 words]
The Spark (Short Stories) - [557 words]
The Thirteenth Station (Short Stories) - [8,024 words] [Horror]
The Village Green. (Short Stories) - [559 words] [Drama]
Three Mile Gap (Poetry) So close and yet... [285 words] [Drama]
Tomorrow Lies Beside Us (Poetry) - [239 words] [Drama]
Tusk (Short Stories) - [1,012 words] [Drama]
Under The Whether (Short Stories) - [1,626 words]
Watching And Waiting (Short Stories) - [1,253 words] [Drama]
White Icing (Short Stories) - [1,385 words]
Worlds Biggest Loser (Short Stories) - [114 words]
You Are My Sunshine (Short Stories) - [1,285 words]
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READER'S REVIEWS (4)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"Well-drawn characters brought together in a situation which seems familiar and predictable and then veers off in an unexpected direction right at the end. Has the quality of a parable about it. Very well written. The only thing I would say is that I'm not sure if the surprise ending actually added anything to the story. It was already developing in a satisfying way and the inversion at the end seemed to spoil somewhat what had gone before." -- David Gardiner, London, England.
"Thanks David .. oh and I'd love to read your new story, I'll write to you about it later. I'm not sure where 'that other place' is hanging out now, it had a few changes. So if you could send me the latest link please. I'll bring the fatted calf with me :-) " -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria.
"Hummel Collector’s Review: Awful, awful, awful with all of that dialectal speech. It hurt to read such horribly phonetically spelled words, I couldn’t get past the skewed words to read the actual story. ------- Archmage Darksphere’s Review: Another interesting piece... actually i liked most of the pieces Ms Sue wrote. ----------- Albe’s Review: I enjoyed this story. I saw a few misplaced words here or there, but still the story is well written. Question: Is Mrs. Hale supposed to be British or Irish? If so, the dialectal speech fits this character perfectly. --------- Hummel Collector’s Review: It doesn’t matter the ethnicity of the character. Dialectal speech is always wrong, with the only exception being slang. ----------- Snickers’ Review: I agree with KB, Sooz writes some very interesting pieces. The dialect is very good. Overall I found it well done, but have included a few minor points: The weeds were lying in wait across the path, conspiring as much with the mountainous dog turds as with the enemy lurking behind the dingy curtains for a chance to cause trouble. ***We never did see the tell-tale dog ... and is the enemy waiting to cause trouble or trying to avoid it?*** She tiptoed through the debris, configuring her features into a serene tableau that gave the impression that nothing would shake this woman, that whatever life -- and in particular this sodding job -- threw at her she would handle without batting an eyelid or disturbing a hair on her totally capable head. The officious-looking woman with the ledger of doom ***a little too much all at once. Can we break up these two descriptions?*** rapped hard on the doorknocker ***she knocked on the doorknocker? Maybe with the doorknocker?*** : Rat-a-tat tat. She waited, imagining the occupants scurrying round like little mice hiding under sofas and beds in their attempt to appear out. Harder still this time: RAT-A-TAT TAT; the same tune percussed ***percussed might be a strange verb here, it makes sense, its very descriptive, but I think I might go with something a little more common, perhaps rang out?*** into a hundred doors twice a week. Still she waited, painfully aware of the heel of her too-new shoe rubbing relentlessly against the tender flesh of her foot; there would be blisters on her blisters by the time she got home. Oh, the sheer ecstasy and joy that a cup of milky coffee and a long hot soapy bubble bath would bring. ---------- Raqad’s Review: Knockers The weeds were lying in wait across the path, conspiring as much with the mountainous dog turds ***This description is very awkward--it look me several times to figure out what was going on.*** as with the enemy ***"as with" is awkward phrasing, and it seems a little out of character for our collector to think of her as an enemy. nor does the client end up causing trouble per se, so a misleading way to introduce...*** lurking behind the dingy curtains for a chance to cause trouble. She tiptoed through the debris, ***In fact, if you skip the first paragraph and just begin with this, the act of her tiptoeing through dog turds would be quite vivid.*** configuring her features into a serene tableau that gave the impression that nothing would shake this woman, that whatever life -- and in particular this sodding job -- threw at her she would handle without batting an eyelid or disturbing a hair on her totally capable head.***This seems to be a breaking of the voice, like someone else describing her. She may be capable, but it should be shown from her POV.*** The officious-looking woman with the ledger of doom ***Again, a breaking of voice, unless she's thinking mockingly of herself a bit, but that isn't clear.*** rapped hard on the doorknocker: Rat-a-tat tat. She waited, imagining the occupants scurrying round like little mice hiding under sofas and beds in their attempt to appear out. Harder still this time: RAT-A-TAT TAT ***I really like this--the big Rat . . . which signifies a polite sound, only loud.***; the same tune percussed into a hundred doors twice a week. Still she waited, painfully aware of the heel of her too-new shoe rubbing relentlessly against the tender flesh of her foot; there would be blisters on her blisters by the time she got home. Oh, the sheer ecstasy and joy that a cup of milky coffee ***Didn't you say "cuppa" before? I liked that better.*** and a long hot soapy bubble bath would bring. The door was finally flung open, the tenant ***I'm assuming she would know her name, going there to collect and all. It'd add a lot to the story to give her a great name, and make it more personal.*** obviously realising her ‘keep quiet and she’ll think we’re not in’ ploy had not worked, as indeed it had not worked on the previous two occasions that the collector ***Again, by the end of the story, I'm really annoyed we still don't even know who she is.*** had called. The lady of the house had decided direct confrontation was the only way to go. ***Maybe, because of so many comments to herself, you could incorporate the collector's thoughts instead of just telling us, which you do do some below.*** “Y’ll `ave t’ come back next week, Ah can’t pay yer.” The collector looked down ominously into her ledger. “Well Mrs. Hale, you did faithfully promise a payment this week. We can’t carry on like this you know. You are now quite seriously in arrears ***I love that word! I can't imagine trying to collect from someone and using it. It always makes me laugh.***.” “Well I’ve got a fella bringin` me some money next week. I’ll giy yer summat then.” ***While too much dialogue is a bad thing, muddles things up a bit, I like its use here--like she really does talk muddled and kind of difficult to understand.*** “I’m sorry Mrs. Hale ***Ok, ok, so there is a name, didn't notice first time . . .***, but I’m afraid that is just not good enough. This is the third week you’ve tried to send me away without a payment, and if I don’t get a result my boss is going to think I’m not up to the job, now isn’t he?” ***I like this.*** “Listen, yer snotty old cow, I `AVEN’T GOT ANY MONEY! So what yer gonna do about it?” Hmm, now this was a good question, and one that was rapidly occurring to the collector too. What was she going to do about it? ***. . . . etc etc etc.*** Her feet were bare, kept warm only by the overspilling mounds of flesh on her lower legs. Her ankles had long since disappeared and her purple legs were severely ulcerated. Dirt was ingrained into the creases of the lady’s neck, and her overshot jowls had caused a nasty, sore-looking sweat rash to spread under her chins. ***An entirely too adept description! ugh! :]*** ***etc etc again . . .*** Her little joke was unappreciated. “You cheeky bitch” the other woman blustered. “I’m going to knife yer in a minute if you don’t just piss off.” The collector again looked down at her little black book, this time in an effort not to grin. She felt the muscles at the corners of her mouth trying their damnedest to defy her and lead her into trouble. The thought of this tired lady pulling some manky old bread knife on her with last year’s ketchup still clinging to it amused her ***Very well done little confrontation. Amusing yet a very realistic exchange.***. Her eyes glanced down towards her pocket, and she thought about the Balisong in her pants, a Japanese butterfly knife with an eight-inch blade. If she concentrated hard on it, she could even feel its reassuring weight rubbing against her outer thigh. In this area, gangs of youths watched the collectors, learned their rounds and then lay in wait on cold dark rainy nights to relieve them of their night’s takings. The bosses were on the point of laying all the woman collectors off; three times in the last year at the company’s expense, extravagant bouquets of flowers had been delivered to wards in the local hospital where some unfortunate woman was recuperating. This was one collector who was not going to be their next victim ***I like this characterization versus her being taken later.***. The thought that the lady could pull a knife on her before she could draw and prepare her “Balli” was a funny one. But that sounded cocky, and that is not how our collector ***Our? Another breaking of the voice.*** wanted to appear to her clients. She had struggled enough in her own life to know that life isn’t always easy, and the pits of debt are lined with slippery mucus that makes it almost impossible to crawl out. She wanted to try and help her clients out of those pits. Wanted to befriend them, she hoped that she would be approachable, that if someone couldn’t “pay up or else” one week then it would be all right to leave it until the next. Parting with some of the pittance their benefits allowed was never going to be a happy experience for these people, but she hoped that she could help make it a painless one. At that moment a feral urchin of about twelve squeezed passed his mother’s frame, and glared balefully at the collector. ***Good dialogue with her and the boy--good way to show all characters in an unexpected exchange.*** ***Do they really call them knockers? Do they still come to the house? That's great!*** “What the hell are you?” said the client, “Florence Nightingale of the knockers?” “No I just like kids and shoes.” “Eh?” said the client. “Well, if he cleans the path, my new shoes aren’t going to get ruined are they?” ***Great! ;]*** For the first time the woman’s grin was genuine. “So,” said the collector, ***Watch punctuation. "*** are you ready to talk now?” The woman bristled. “Listen.”***"Listen," said . . .*** Said the collector “You give me just one measly pound, and then I’ll tell you why you feel good about it.” The client laughed bitterly. “So you think I’m going to feel good about giving you money?” “Yep, it’ll be the best quid you’ve spent all week.” “Go on then. I’m biting.” The client’s eyes had opened with a look of interest, and her retort showed for the first time a shrewd and nippy ***Great word.*** intelligence that had previously been hidden beneath the heavily cowled eyes. “Okay. You owe just short of three grand. I know you are on benefits and so that must seem like an insurmountable amount to pay back. So you hide from it; ***Commas, not semi-colons?*** avoid it; push it from your mind and cover your worry with a tough ‘couldn’t care less’ attitude.” She held up her hand to stem the woman’s angry response. “If you paid me just one pound, it’s the first step in getting this bloody millstone from around your neck. Gradually, week by week, you will see the balance come down, and you can feel good that you have the self-respect to want to get out of the debt you’ve landed in. Of course it’d take years to pay off three grand at one pound a week, so later when you feel more confident about it we can increase the payments, and before you know it you won’t have to suffer my ugly mug on your doorstep every Monday night.” ***etc etc the end Great dialogue! I really enjoyed this--sorry if that was more input than you wanted. I get a little long winded. I love the British setting--you didn't have to write it out for us, just using regular words and nothing contrived, but it adds a lot to collector's character and the feel of the story. The only thing that really struck me was the first paragraph and some of the voicing, but it was great. Thanks.*** ---------- Edwind’s Review: ***Well done. POV questions: Most of this piece reads third person limited, but there are a couple lines that shift to third person omnicient.*** The officious-looking woman with the ledger of doom rapped hard on the doorknocker: Rat-a-tat tat. The lady of the house had decided direct confrontation was the only way to go. ***Where your main piece is POV Sue, this one paragraph jarringly switches to Mrs. Hale:*** The client leaned against the back of the closed front door and fingered the rumpled twenty-pound note in her hand. Pete was turning into a right chip off the old block, that do gooding, frigging` collector hadn?t felt a thing. She must remember to tell his dad about it next visiting day at the nick. ***One sentense jarred me as convoluted and hard to understand:*** ?Okay. You owe just short of three grand. I know you are on benefits and ***so that must seem like*** an insurmountable amount to pay back. ***In this one case there is the question of plural or singular:*** She had struggled enough in her own life to know that life isn?t always easy, and the pits of debt are ***were?*** lined with slippery mucus that makes it almost impossible to crawl out. ***The only other comment I have is about the placement of commas. I would recommend a general re-read with this in mind. A few examples:*** this woman, that whatever life -- and in particular this sodding job -- threw at her ***,*** she would handle without batting an eyelid or She smiled at the client ***--,--*** with what she hoped was a look that said that although she was sympathetic to the woman?s plight, she was going to take no messing from her. Of course it?d take years to pay off three grand at one pound a week, so later when you feel more confident about it we can increase the payments, and before you know it ***,*** you won?t have to suffer my ugly mug on your doorstep every Monday night.? " -- Cam Davis.
"Wow a real mis-match of good and bad here. Just goes to show that what one person hates another one likes and writing really is down to personal taste at the end of the day. Thanks all and thanks Cam." -- Sooz, Dalton, England, Cumbria.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 1999 Sue (Sooz) Simpson |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
June 2002 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
690
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