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Know It? - I Wrote It
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TITLE (EDIT)
Know It? - I Wrote It |
DESCRIPTION
This is a funny, perhaps silly, outrageous story. I'm not sure of its exact origin, but I must forewarn you. I don't generally make use of extreme vulgarity or profanity in my writing, but in this case, it's an integral part of the story.
[663 words] |
AUTHOR
Richard Koss |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
Richard Koss, other titles
[November 2001] |
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
taxtime@ameritech.net |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (47)
904 North (Poetry) A tale in verse form about a middle-aged musician/writer down on his luck and recently divorced (again) who moves into a high rise apartment on the ninth floor, which happens to be the same suite a yo... [1,479 words]
A New Perspective (Essays) A different perspective on the 911 tragedy and its aftermath. [614 words]
Are We There Yet? (Essays) An essay I never thought I'd have to write followed by a question I never thought I would have to ask. [1,013 words]
Asleep At Last (Poetry) A man in a hospital bed is having difficulty falling asleep, but he soon will... [152 words]
Bad Boy (Short Stories) A true story about a bad boy growing up in 1950. Was he just mischievous? Would his behavior be considered bad today? [2,844 words]
Charlie And Mrs. Miller (Short Stories) A very short story about an old woman on her death bed whose last request is to see an old friend, much to the surprise of her daughters and granddaughters. [585 words]
Deja Vu (Poetry) In times like these, pacifists come out of the woodwork. This poem was written in anticipation of what we can expect from them. [106 words]
Empty Closets (Poetry) A poem which no doubt, is controversial. I'm sure many will consider it homophobic, (a stupid word) but if liberals are sincere in their belief that everyone is entitled to free speech and opinions, t... [223 words]
Family Genes Considered (Short Stories) A story that is unfortunately, much closer to the truth than not. Although the main character is fictional, the relatives described are quite real, which gives me reason to often ponder my own destin... [1,198 words]
Fatal Perception (Short Stories) An off-beat tale about an aging song writer who perceives he is being stalked by a strange little man. [2,959 words]
Goodbye America (Essays) An essay written by an aging writer who no longer understands the country in which he lives. [662 words]
Hooked (Short Stories) A short short story originally started as a poem, about a man's obsession with a special kind of woman. (Revised June 2001) [323 words] [Fantasy]
How To Fool Most Of The People Most Of The Time (Essays) An essay commenting on the recent election results. [1,530 words]
Lost And Found (Poetry) A poem that was originally written as a lyric several years ago for a country western song. [156 words]
Madelaine (Short Stories) An eerie tale set in the modern day Pacific Northwest about a family's nightmarish encounter with a character from a legend with a darkside. [8,451 words]
Moral Values - Who Needs Them? (Essays) An essay. [771 words]
Muriel's Funeral (Short Stories) Imagine yourself dead and observing your own funeral What would you expect to see? You might be surprised. [736 words]
My Three Loves (Poetry) A poem about the three things in life that keep a man going. (At least from one man's perspective.) [101 words]
My Wife Is Missing (Poetry) A poem (well sort of a poem) which raises the question of who is most dear to us. [117 words] [Relationships]
Nostalgic On A Bridge To Nowhere (Poetry) A nostalgic view of the life of a man in his twilight years. [369 words]
Over A Hundred Years Later Nothing New About Progressives (Essays) An essay revealing the fact that progressives haven't progressed much in over a hundred years. [1,317 words]
Please Read My Poem - Again (Poetry) The inspiration for this poem came to me after reading several poems (good and bad) posted on Storymania, as well as their reviews. The poem is directed primarily at the very young, talented writers w... [195 words]
Raindrops (Short Stories) Ever think twice about shopping alone at night. You should - especially if you're a pretty woman. [1,469 words]
Requiem For A Bodybuilder (Poetry) What happens to bodybuilders when they cease pumping iron? [54 words]
Save The Planet – More Fiction Than Fact (Essays) An essay. [1,537 words]
Shirley's Angel (Short Stories) A Christmas story: In the final analysis, we may discover that we love someone because of their vulnerability, rather than in spite of it. [2,228 words]
Still Unsolved (Short Stories) A successful mystery writer returns to his old home town and recalls an unsolved mystery he never wrote about. [2,136 words]
Symbolism Over Substance – The Liberal Manifesto (Essays) A non-fiction essay about liberal ideology and its influence on today's U.S. and world culture. [1,229 words]
The Absolution Of Margaret (Short Stories) A story about life in the confessional booth of a Catholic church. [549 words]
The Better Man (Poetry) A poem about a lonely, young, soldier wating for a train to take him back to base. He becomes enamored with a lovely young girl sitting across from him. Although they never speak to each other, the ... [238 words]
The Diversity Mystique (Essays) The ultimate hype of political correctness. [1,083 words]
The Dowry (Short Stories) The Dowry is a story set in or around the year 2020, so I suppose you should consider it science fiction. But it is also a story of romance with the ending more than a mere possibility. [2,448 words]
The Farnsworth Affair (Short Stories) An innocent man becomes trapped in a web of circumstance from which there is no escape. A somewhat more lengthy story than I usually write. This is a suspense story in the mold of the English mystery... [5,045 words]
The Girl In The Taxi (Short Stories) A shy, young man has an erotic encounter with a strange girl. Is it real or just a dream? [1,493 words] [Erotic]
The Incurable Cynic (Poetry) A man reflects upon his life of cynicism. [143 words]
The Perfect Ending (Short Stories) A tale about a wanna-be writer trying to create a story with the perfect ending. With unsuspecting help from his wife, he succeds, but pays the ultimate price. [642 words]
The Price Of Freedom (2) (Short Stories) A short story. [396 words]
The Rhyme Of Eternal Triangles (Poetry) A poem that describes in a silly, funny way, the futility of wanting someone who doesn't want you. [223 words]
The Song That Failed (Short Stories) A somewhat dubious account of an amateur song writer's ill-fated chance at success. [156 words] [Humor]
The Waitress Fom Hell (Short Stories) The story of a patron's ongoing feud with an over-the-hill waitress. [750 words]
Think Before You Write (Essays) My observations, after reading the work of many aspiring young writers, prompted me to write this. It merely offers some common sense advice to any aspiring writer (including myself) and should not b... [988 words]
Tomorrow's Here (Poetry) The recent death of a friend inspired me to write a poem, which salutes this somewhat hapless, but likeable character. [114 words]
Victims (Poetry) A satirical poem that tells it like it is. The poem confronts a disturbing trend in our society - transferring blame to others instead of placing it squarely where it belongs. [255 words]
What A Pair (Ex-Husbands And Old Shoes) (Poetry) A symbolic poem comparing ex-husbands and old shoes. Some women divorce their husbands, expecting to find something better, only to realize eventually, that the grass is not always greener. [326 words]
What’S Wrong With Assimilation? (Essays) This essay was originally written in 2006 when the Senate was considering an Immigration reform bill, which of course, was not passed. [453 words]
While The Iron's Hot (Short Stories) The story of a woman, a victim of spousal abuse, and her solution to the problem. [774 words] [Relationships]
Wisdom - Lost With Tradition (Essays) An essay which compares the concept of traditional wisdom with the minds of today's intellectual elitists. [500 words]
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Know It? - I Wrote It
Richard Koss
Howard was a strange man, indeed. Well along in middle age and somewhat dissipated looking, he was not very attractive; almost ugly. He didn’t like to wear underwear because it made him feel inhibited, less creative. You see, although Howard was a little weird in many ways, he could really play the piano.
You name it, Chopin, Debussy, Rachmaninoff, he loved the classics, but he made his living playing at a piano bar in Manhattan. There he played mostly Broadway show tunes and jazz, including some of his own unpublished compositions. Howard was satisfied to work there on week nights from six to ten. He reserved his week-ends for special engagements.
He rarely smiled and despite his shell-like personality, the patrons at the hotel restaurant and lounge bar enjoyed his music.
One Wednesday evening, he was in exceptionally fine form, playing medley after medley, showing off with flowing arpeggios, modulating into different keys with unique and imaginative chord changes. Then he went into two of his original compositions. The music was beautiful, yet some regular patrons began laughing among themselves as he played these songs. Howard was oblivious to them and finished playing his music.
A yuppie music publisher, seated at the main bar, was very impressed with Howard’s playing and became intrigued by his last two selections. He sent a drink over to Howard and then walked up to him at the piano bar.
“Excuse me, I can’t tell you how much I enjoy your playing but I have to ask you about the last two pieces you played. They sound like something Gershin or Kern would write, beautiful melodies and chord changes, but I don’t recognize them at all.”
Howard had already started playing something else, but he looked up at the younger man. “They’re mine. I wrote ‘em years ago.”
“My name’s Leonard Schwartz, I work for a music publishing company. You should let me publish them for you.”
Howard continued playing and shook his head no, with a faint smile on his lips.
“Why on earth not?” Schwartz was confused.
“It’s their titles,” Howard offered nonchalantly.
“What do you call them?” Schwartz persisted.
“The first one was I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH I COULD SHIT and the second one’s called I SEE MY FACE IN THE CRACK OF YOUR ASS.”
Almost laughing in disbelief, the publisher couldn’t help himself. “Why the hell would you pick titles like those for such beautiful music?”
Howard became angry. “Everybody says the same thing. It’s my goddamn music and I’ll name it anything I want.!”
The publisher backed off. “Okay, Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry. But tell me, do you ever play on Saturday nights? I’m having a party at my house and you would really dazzle this group with your playing. I’ll make it well worth your while.”
Schwartz made Howard an offer he couldn’t refuse and he agreed to play at the publisher’s party the following Saturday. Howard promised not to disclose the original titles of his songs, should anyone want to know.
Saturday night came and Howard was a tremendous hit with everyone. He played all their requests, show tunes, jazz, and even some classical pieces.
After playing for about two hours straight, he finally took a break. Leaving the men’s room, Howard went into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and have a cigarette, not realizing he had left his fly unzipped. As usual, he was wearing no underwear.
As he stood in the kitchen drinking his coffee and smoking a cigarette, an older woman came in with misty eyes and confronted him.
“Sir, I must tell you I can’t ever remember enjoying piano music as much as I have this evening. You brought back so many memories for me.” As she wiped a tear from her eyes, she noticed Howard’s fly was wide open.
“Do you know your fly’s open and your dick and your balls are hanging out?”
Howard took the cigarette from his mouth, and spreading his arms wide apart shouted, “DO I KNOW IT? - I WROTE IT.”
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READER'S REVIEWS (6)
DISCLAIMER: STORYMANIA DOES NOT PROVIDE AND IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR REVIEWS. ALL REVIEWS ARE PROVIDED BY NON-ASSOCIATED VISITORS, REGARDLESS OF THE WAY THEY CALL THEMSELVES.
"You're right about it being vulger. You might add crude and disgusting. Really not that funny either. I'm surprised you would waste your time on such trash. Some of your other work is not bad. " -- anonymous.
"Ouch!" -- DK.
"It's also completely ripped off from an old joke." -- D., Dublin, Ireland.
"D. is right, I heard that joke years ago, but what can you expect from this fucker, the human Xerox machine. " -- Phil, London.
"I regret posting this piece, not because it's based upon an old, old, joke,which I allude to in my introduction, but because it's crude and in bad taste. There's enough of that stuff on this site, and I don't need to add to it. However, I subconsciously thought it might get some reaction from morons like Phil. - I was right." -- D K.
" not enough humor any more keep up the good work i love a good joke" -- B.J. Wolfe, Qualicum Beach, Canada, British Columbia.
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2000 Richard Koss |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
September 2000 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
4276
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