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Mommy, Was I A Mistake?
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TITLE (EDIT)
Mommy, Was I A Mistake?
DESCRIPTION
Hold me when I'm here and love me when I'm gone.
[768 words]
AUTHOR
Skyler Drevan
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I am Jeff, writer, dreamer, realist.
[July 2006]
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
jlwilliams22@aol.com
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (100)
A Battered Woman Looks In The Mirror (Short Stories) What does she see? [912 words]
A Memoir Of Angst (Poetry) - [50 words]
A Night At The Cineplex (Short Stories) Sometimes I feel like watching a flick, sometimes I feel like this. [957 words]
A Reflection Of Love (Poetry) - [23 words]
A Ride On The New York City Subway (Short Stories) If you live or have traveled on our lovely subway systems here, you would totally understand this piece. [1,115 words] [Drama]
A Spark Of Light Through The Valley (Poetry) - [253 words]
An Ode To Man's Best Friend (Poetry) - [199 words]
Another Beggar's At The Door (Poetry) - [221 words]
Asleep (Poetry) - [170 words]
Asphyxiate (Poetry) - [169 words]
Attorney At Law (Poetry) - [218 words]
Battle Cry (Essays) Another self discovery made in the middle of a restless night. [438 words] [Psychology]
Blue Bird (Poetry) - [142 words] [Fable]
Child Murder (Short Stories) Another story written for my psychology class on a study in child criminalization in the last fifty to a hundred years. [7,471 words] [Psychology]
Christianity (Non-Fiction) - [113 words] [Mind]
College Boys (Essays) - [558 words]
Confused Youth (Poetry) Haven't we all felt this way? [155 words] [Drama]
Conversations With A Hate Monger (Short Stories) A tale of the ramblings of a bigot. Make your own judgements. [1,090 words] [Drama]
Devoted Husband And Father (Short Stories) - [268 words] [Fable]
Disturbing Gift (Short Stories) This is a short story that has a taboo subject twist to it. Tell me what ya think. [262 words] [Fable]
Double Indifference (Poetry) - [43 words]
Drinking Coffee With Loveliness (Poetry) Loveliness is a metaphor in this poem about whatever makes you smile. [122 words]
Empty Barnyard In October (Poetry) - [207 words]
Extreme Panhandling (Essays) This is an article I wrote about a severe problem that plagues the beautiful city of New York. [1,191 words] [Drama]
Feeding Love With Hate (Essays) An article on three men dealing with their sexuality. [2,339 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
Forever Mystery (Poetry) - [136 words]
Friendship, Oblivion (Short Stories) Have you ever had a relationship like this? Have you ever had a friendship like this? I think I may be starting a special series. I can use more real accounts like this one. Yes, this is actual. [373 words]
From Kenya, With Love (Non-Fiction) True story. [1,644 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
Glum (Essays) I think this is self explaning. [207 words] [Drama]
Go Away! (Short Stories) She screamed louder than ever before. [254 words] [Fable]
Governmental Fiasco (Essays) This government is going to hell if we do not get rid of BUSH!!!!! Say what you will about this piece, but the fact remains that he, like Reagan, were the worst we have seen in years. BUSH, OUT!! [781 words]
Grace (Poetry) A little poem about my late grandmother Grace Johnson. You're always in my heart. [102 words]
Homosexual Agenda: Equality! (Essays) What gay people are really looking for. [1,647 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
Hopelessly Together (Poetry) - [108 words]
Human Abstract (Short Stories) Unusual art exhibit. [4,254 words] [Fan Fiction]
I Didn't Do All I Could (But I Tried) (Poetry) When you haven't done enough, but should have tried. [340 words]
I Miss You So Very Much (Non-Fiction) (Just For You) [493 words]
I Wonder What They See In Me (Essays) When I walk down the street and people stare; what are they thinking? [629 words]
I Wont Tell (Essays) This is not for the weak at heart type. This is a strong piece that is loosely based on my childhood. If you can take the sensitive content of this piece, read on. [927 words] [Relationships]
If I Could Do It Again (Poetry) Regret. [96 words]
If I Had Only Known Then (Poetry) - [36 words]
I'm Welcomed (Poetry) A feeling of bliss under the night sky. [67 words]
Intensely And Beautifully Obscene (Poetry) - [49 words]
Is It Still Today? (Poetry) A poem about everyday life. [196 words] [Drama]
Isn't It Strange? (Poetry) - [24 words]
I've Been Having These Dreams About You... (Non-Fiction) Something I wrote about a former boyfriend of mine. I really don't know why I'm posting this here but we'll see what happens. [243 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
Just A Kiss (Poetry) A poem written while vacationing in North Carolina in late July. [177 words]
Keeping Your Dignity And Creativity (Getting Published) (Essays) This is an article on rejection, how to get published and a few tips to follow. [2,169 words] [Writing Resource]
Life And It's Irony (Poetry) - [128 words]
Little Boy (Poetry) A short poem I wrote ten years ago when I was just twelve years old. I wrote it about myself and the way I thought my parents should look at me. [104 words]
Mother Please (Poetry) A poem about a mother in dire need of help. [133 words] [Drama]
Mr. Michael Jackson-The King Of Pop (Essays) Let me explain something to the reviewers who may make ignorant comments about this piece on Michael Jackson. I am not posting here to get anyone’s approval and I am not posting here to make friends. ... [382 words] [Drama]
My Fathers Eyes (Poetry) The relationship between a father and son. [59 words] [Drama]
My Swan Song (Poetry) - [78 words]
Our Bodies Are In The Way (Poetry) - [342 words] [Fantasy]
Overindulge (Poetry) When life has gone too far. [101 words] [Drama]
Partners Slowly Slipping Away (Poetry) - [218 words]
Playing With My Hair (Non-Fiction) This is a piece that I thought about writing while driving up the Florida Turnpike from West Palm Beach to Orlando. The mind wonders during such long trips. [228 words]
Please Say (Poetry) Longing. [111 words] [Relationships]
Plunge (Poetry) This is one of my final seven submissions to this site for a while. [173 words]
Probing (Short Stories) This is a short story I wrote for my psychology class. It's written as a sadistic persona similiar to that of Jeffrey Dahmer. I chose Jeffrey because he was the first serial killer I learned about as ... [1,489 words] [Psychology]
Reinvent The World (Poetry) If I were in charge, this is what it would be like. [206 words]
Remains (Poetry) - [56 words]
Ronald Reagan (Essays) Was he that good? [1,096 words]
Satisfaction Guaranteed: Refundexchange (Poetry) - [70 words]
Shame Or Protection (Non-Fiction) You be the judge. [985 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
Small World (Poetry) - [137 words]
Speak Freely (Short Stories) This is another addition to my "Fable" anthology I am creating. [258 words] [Fable]
Struggling To Face Reality (Essays) My thoughts on Bill Cosby and his recent comments. [1,577 words]
Success (Short Stories) Another part of my 'Fable' anthology. [275 words] [Fable]
The Cave (Poetry) - [296 words]
The Door (Short Stories) Another addition to my 'Fable' collection. [287 words] [Fable]
The Down-Low Life (It's A Two Way Street) (Non-Fiction) This is an article on the double life that women (bisexual, lesbian, curious or the like) lead behind the backs of their partners. This topic is often discussed but it is often focused on the men who ... [2,218 words] [Relationships]
The Fight (Short Stories) A true story narrarated by me about a horrible marriage and the fight that led to the bitter end. [1,499 words] [Drama]
The Fire Is Almost Out (Poetry) - [100 words]
The Fruitstand At Lunchtime (Poetry) - [72 words]
The Habit Of Being Gay (Poetry) This poem is in response to those who think that being gay is a "phase" or "habit" only explored by those who are curious. [87 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
The Mother Of All Birthdays (Short Stories) - [1,850 words] [Fan Fiction]
The Painful Mistake Of Losing You (Poetry) - [106 words]
The Plight Of Man (Poetry) - [215 words]
The Story Of Dan (Non-Fiction) - [2,036 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
The Study Of Balls (Poetry) The title may be a bit misleading. [114 words]
The Vacation In Vain (Poetry) - [42 words]
They Call Me Mellow Yellow (Non-Fiction) Complexion [2,063 words]
Thirsty (Poetry) A hunger, a greed or a passion? [144 words]
Thoughtless (Poetry) I wrote this one just a moment ago when I woke up after a restless sleep. I woke up feeling empty and decided to write. This is what came out of me. [160 words]
To All The Forgotten (Poetry) - [124 words]
To Whom Beauty Holds (Short Stories) All about Vanity. [2,545 words] [Fable]
Trust In Dreams (Poetry) - [100 words] [Fable]
Unanswered Letters (Short Stories) - [354 words] [Fable]
Unclear Explanation (Poetry) A poem written about uncertainty. [62 words]
Videotape (Short Stories) This is a short story I wrote after reading a particularly interesting book and was far too full of anxiety to sleep. This is a disturbing story that deals with cannibalism and pedophilia. I wrote it ... [7,472 words] [Crime]
Vulnerable (Essays) The middle of the night thoughts. This is a little something based on a seris of unsettling dreams I had in the middle of the night on February, 8th 2003. It's meaning is unknown even to me. I guess t... [263 words] [Mind]
Watching Me Fade (Poetry) - [54 words]
We Stand (Poetry) - [282 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
When Straight Guys Go Gay (Non-Fiction) This is a real life account of a guy my friends and I met online who had questions about his sexuality. [2,810 words] [Gay & Lesbian]
When The Ginger Boy Sings (Poetry) - [226 words]
With You Next To Me (Poetry) - [123 words]
Within The Depths Of His Eyes (Poetry) Only when you're truly in love, can you feel this way. [55 words]
Worms In My Grandmother's Garden (Poetry) An old peom I found that I wrote when I was very young helping my grandmother in her prized tomato garden. Circa, 1991. [120 words]
Mommy, Was I A Mistake?
Skyler Drevan

“Who so loves believes the impossible.”

Elizabeth Barrett Browning


When daddy gets made at me he tells me that I was a mistake and that I should have never been born. It makes me sad –and a bit angry- but I also know that he says a lot of things that he shouldn’t when he is upset, or worst, drinking. Sometimes I don’t believe him but other times I am inclined to believe that I was nothing more than a mistake. Nothing more than a whole in a condom created me or perhaps a lapse in judgment. Maybe daddy didn’t pull out when he should have. My whole entire existence is clouded in secrecy. My older sister always told me that I was left on the doorstep by Gypsies. Which story should I believe? Out of four children, was I the only mistake? Mommie never answers the question directly. She always tells me that I was created out of love and that was all I needed to know. I continue to feel that there is something missing in my being conceived. Maybe daddy never wanted to have children at all. We have nothing in common and he never showed me the slightest bit of attention when I was growing up. He never threw a ball at me; he never joined me during my swimming lessons and he never explained to me about the birds and the bees. Well, if you count the time he walked into my room drunk and stoned in the middle of the night, woke me up and told me that people have it off; I guess one can argue that he in fact told me about the birds and the bees.

Why does he insist that I wasn’t planned? I am a big boy now but the fear still builds up when I think that I may have been a mistake that was both unwanted and problematic. I was always left out of the family gatherings and I always got the worst gifts of all my sisters. My grandmother treated me like a piece of flint for as long as I can remember. I never had the opportunity to tell her how much I cared for her before she moved away—without telling me that she was even going. I had to hear it from a distant cousin who was talking with my parents at the time. All I ever wanted was to be loved and now that I am beginning to believe that I wasn’t born out of love and in fact I was an accident. I understand why the distance has been so extreme between my family and me. I have all sisters; I am the only boy—maybe that’s what my parent’s wanted, all girls. I came out the wrong gender. I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry dad. I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t. Please love me anyway. I have done nothing wrong. I just wanted to show you that I should matter to you. As your one and only son, I should have been treated like a treasure and not like a discarded piece of trash.

You’ve never showed any interest in my work. You never attended any of the parent teacher conferences at school and when I graduated high school, you gave me a card with ten bucks in it and a letter that read “Good going.” That hardly compares to the new car my friend Peter got or the camcorder than Jamie got. All I asked for my graduation was for you two to tell me that you are proud of me. You couldn’t even do that. I’m sorry that I was not what you wanted. I’m sorry that I was not what you expected but I can only be who I am. Dad, Mom, I love you both, but your morbid faith in what you believe is unconditional love will not last you forever. One day, I hope you see the error of your ways and come to your senses before you are both too old to understand that damage you have caused me. I was an accident, fine—but you know what, I am glad to finally see you for whom and what you are. Never shall I be disappointed again. Mom, dad, times have changed, times are strange, times go by and I see that you should have been a better friend to me. I still love you both, accident or not, you are the reason I am here. However, until and unless you address and apologize for the way you treated me, I will never come home again.

 

READER'S REVIEWS (4)
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"no, my dear, we are never mistakes even though, sometimes, life shows the opposite...Someone higher than us would never create us as a mistake, please, believe me. " -- Dri.
"Dri, you always know what to say and when to say it. You are one of this worlds few angels, you truly are. Writing this piece was particularily hard as I recalled some of the events of my childhood. Writing can be painful at times. Oh, so painful." -- The Author.
"my dear, I do understand you because I too went thru the same, that's why I write my own story in verses to help people out and to always let them know that everyone is special, that life is always a gift, despite the terrible moments we go thru, never a mistake, as irrational as it may seem sometimes. Put your chin up, one foot in front of the other and just keep on going. An angel...wish I were, I'm just an ordinary woman with her ups and downs like everyone else.......love you!" -- Dri.
"by the way, writing will set you free....healing will come, somehow. Release the inner ghosts locked in your inside and you'll see how much better you'll feel. " -- Dri.

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2004 Skyler Drevan
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
August 2004
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
3698
 

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