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TITLE (EDIT)
The Gnome From Alaska |
DESCRIPTION
A humorous short story involving... a gnome.
[1,427 words] |
TITLE KEYWORD
Humor |
AUTHOR
David Soriano |
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR
A chemistry professor who enjoys reading and writing poetry.
[July 2002] |
AUTHOR'S E-MAIL ADDRESS
soriano@pitt.edu |
AUTHOR'S OTHER TITLES (53)
A Monument To Time And Stonehenge (Poetry) A collection of verse. [1501 words] [Mystery]
Altered State (Poetry) A poem about being in a coma. [37 words] [Mystical]
American Revolution (Poetry) A poem about the 1960s era. [100 words] [History]
Bogs, Swamps, Lagoons And Marshes (Poetry) A poem about..wetlands. [75 words] [Nature]
Boomerang (Poetry) A poem about the boomerang sport. [60 words] [Motivational]
Calamus Revival (Poetry) A thoughtful poem on reflection. [79 words] [Mind]
Chronicles Of Irish Tradition (Poetry) A poem saluting the excellence of Irish literary tradition. [69 words] [History]
Civil War News (Poetry) A poem based on American Civil War trading cards from ca. 1961. [56 words] [History]
Competition (Poetry) Only the strong survive. [82 words] [Action]
Dreams Of Transmutation (Poetry) A poem about alchemy. [144 words] [Psychology]
Face Down In The Street (Poetry) A poem about sensitivity toward our fellow man. [90 words] [Spiritual]
Find Eternal Rest (Poetry) Restless spirits. [148 words] [Mystery]
Halloween (Poetry) A tale written for a Halloween night. [76 words] [Horror]
H.G. Wells (Poetry) A poem about writer H.G. Wells and his life. [120 words] [Science Fiction]
His Winged Sphinx (Poetry) An intepretation of the set and setting for H.G Wells when he wrote the "Time Machine". [165 words] [History]
In Retrospect (Poetry) A poem describing appreciation. [122 words] [Romance]
Intellectual Kelvinism (Poetry) A poem focusing on academic snobbery. [111 words] [Psychology]
Inward And Outward (Poetry) A thoughtful poem on fellow man and life elsewhere in the universe. [66 words] [Relationships]
Lady Liberty Looks On (Poetry) A collection of poems. [1501 words] [Motivational]
Linguistic Tongues (Poetry) A poem about weirdness based on a true story. [90 words] [Horror]
Love Of Winter (Poetry) Winter-my time of year. [57 words] [Nature]
Megalithic Ruins (Poetry) A poem about Stonehenge. [55 words] [Mystical]
Meloncholy Madness (Poetry) A poem about alchemy. [81 words] [Fantasy]
Mixed Emotions (Poetry) A humourous poem about a... piggy bank. [104 words] [Humor]
Morlock Clones (Poetry) A poem based on the author's interpretation of the "Time Machine" by H.G. Wells. [67 words] [Science Fiction]
Neanderthal Expressions (Poetry) A thoughtful poem on creativity and needs of self-expression. [60 words] [Relationships]
Odor- Eaters Needed (Poetry) A poem about shoes. [52 words] [Humor]
Panspermia (Poetry) A poem about origins of life. [52 words] [Scientific]
Pasteur (Poetry) A poem in honor of Louis Pasteur. [52 words] [Biography]
Placidness (Poetry) A poem about thoughtfulness. [78 words] [Relationships]
Rapture (Poetry) A mysterious poem .... [110 words] [Mystery]
Receptor Sites (Poetry) A poem about consciousness elevation. [60 words] [Psychology]
Restless Departed (Poetry) A soul not wishing to leave very expensive property. [70 words] [Fantasy]
Science And Religion (Poetry) A poem about... science and religion. [73 words] [Scientific]
Security Blanket (Poetry) A poem about the Shroud. [58 words] [Spiritual]
Sense Of Self-Worth (Poetry) A poem about one's self. [67 words] [Self-Help]
Slugfest And Sureshot (Poetry) A poem about a pinball machine. [82 words] [Fantasy]
Spiritual Hunger (Poetry) A poem about spiritual differences. [97 words] [Spiritual]
Study Guides And Solution Manuals (Poetry) A poem about academia and psychology. [33 words] [Psychology]
Surf's Up (Poetry) Unusual poem about surfing. [81 words] [Nature]
Teleportation (Poetry) A poem about ghosts. [49 words] [Suspense]
The Cold Afterglow At The West End (Short Stories) A short story involving mystery and some element of truth. [1,666 words] [Mystery]
The Eye Of Evil (Poetry) A brief poem about the evil eye. [45 words] [Horror]
The Immigrant Story (Essays) Elaboration on the Led Zeppelin's "The Immigrant Song". [979 words] [History]
The Irish Healer (Poetry) A poem based on an Irish legend about a healer. [73 words] [History]
The Land Of Green (Poetry) A humourous poem about an Irish Farmer's day in the field. [130 words] [Humor]
The Second Effort (Poetry) The 1970 Kansas City Chiefs- up and over! [56 words]
The Tired And Poor (Poetry) Cheap Labor. [108 words] [History]
Things I'd Like To Say (Poetry) A poem for a man of few words. [47 words] [Relationships]
Three Dimensional Vision (Poetry) A poem on thoughtfulness. [53 words]
What Is Life? (Poetry) What is....life? [126 words] [Mystical]
Who You Gonna Call? (Poetry) A poem about seances. [104 words] [Fantasy]
Witch's Broom (Poetry) A nature poem dealing with outer space and galaxies. [53 words] [Scientific]
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The Gnome From Alaska
David Soriano
"The Gnome from Alaska"
This is just plain crazy, but insane things can happen to sane people. We all know it happens frequently. One thing is pretty sure, however, smoking divinorum leaves , coupled to severe stress , can lead to psychosis- mimicry. I know. I teach psychology at the local college. I don't plan on going near the leaves again- at least in this lifetime. Let me tell you the story as it happened. I know you don't have a lot of time, but some day the same experience may happen to you!
Late last winter, I went downstairs , during the night, to get a glass of spring water. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw what seemed to be a diminutive man standing…. in the corner. Now grant you, I was still half-asleep, but woke up real quick when I saw the …. creature standing there. I grabbed hold of the closest weapon I could find, a broom stick, and asked him who is was and how the hell he got into my kitchen. He told me, quite politely, that he was a gnome. He told me to let go of the broomstick since he could paralyze me on the spot - if he so chose to do so. He told me that he was famished and just wanted something to eat. He then asked me if I had any peanut butter and, if so, to get it out and make him two sandwiches. By this time, I am quite awake and realizing that it was not a dream- this "thing" was real and standing in my kitchen. He was about 8 inches tall- I had no pre-conceived idea about gnome heights- and looked like he weighed roughly a half- pound. I felt it was best to do what he wanted and quickly made him the sandwiches along with pouring him a dixie-cup full of low-fat milk. He devoured the sandwiches like he had never eaten before. When he finished the milk, he looked up at me and basically said he was new in town. He had just arrived from Alaska ( yes, Nome , Alaska) and was checking into an abandoned gold-mine that a relative had left to him in a will. For you readers not familiar with the terrain/ history of western New York, in regard to gold-mines, rest assured that the gnome's statement was accurate. There is an abandoned gold-mine in Allegany State Park, left over from the early thirties when prospectors had recovered some granules. The mine operated for a short period of time, but proved economically unfeasible to maintain. The gnome, however, insisted that there was a cave , outside a nearby town, that had quite a bit of gold buried in it. This was the cave operated by his deceased relative- the one that he had now inherited. The gnome went on to tell me that he had worked at the famous gold -mine discovered by the "Three Lucky Swedes" , outside of Nome , located at Anvil Creek. Although no longer worked, it was still a major tourist attraction , but my gnome decided to leave Nome for these parts.
The gnome went on to tell me that he would expect me to leave him a couple of sandwiches nightly, along with the thimbleful of milk. He said that he would pay me for my efforts ,with his weight paid-out in gold, at the end of the month. The next thing I knew, it was morning and I was rising for work. I made no mention of the experience to my wife, but she did ask me if I had eaten something during the night. I told her that, indeed, I had been hungry and , just recently, had taken to eating a peanut butter sandwich while watching John Edward's "Crossing Over" on t.v. before bed.
I told her to be sure to pick some more up at the store- I did not want us to run out of it .
Later at work , I decided to do an internet search on gnomes. Up until now, I did not know, frankly speaking, the difference between a , let's say, banshee, elf , leprechaun, goblin ,etc. and a gnome. I quickly found out that the world-wide expert on gnomes
was the highly regarded Herr Doctor Klaus Geltsmack , of Mainz, Germany, a distinguished professor of Pneumatics. Doctor Geltsmack had devoted , over decades, virtually every free moment to the study of gnomes. I quickly learned that there were quite a few categories of gnomes and that they were actually taxonomically divided into separate genus and species. Dr. Geltsmack got back to my e-mail inquiry very quickly and informed me that there no gnomes, of the type I described, known to be living in Nome, Alaska. Apparently, the one that had visited me was of the Gnomus holznitium class- basically, a type of creature living in abandoned animal holes in trees, caves, etc. and not having too much contact with humans. These are rather hard-working gnomes and life is not easy for them. They usually spend a great deal of time hunting for their own food and count on a good return from the harvest in order to survive winters. I was amazed to learn that there are Garden Gnomes, Kitchen Gnomes ( a much larger type than my woods gnome) Metrognomes ( living in urban areas , such as New York City, and particularly adapted to the underground subway systems) and other classes such as the poorly understood Misgnomers.
My gnome kept showing up, like clockwork, nightly for his sandwiches and milk. Sometimes, depending on our schedules, I would see him and engage in cordial conversation, other times, I could go a week without contact. He was always tidy, respectful of my home, and non-disturbing to the other members of the household. My family pet , admittedly not the greatest watchdog,
was not alarmed by his coming and going. The question remained however: how was he getting in and out of the house? Dr. Geltsmack seemed to feel that , on occasion, they will gain entrance to a home through an open door or chimney, but as mentioned above, they generally avoid human contact. My gnome, in need of nourishment badly enough, had apparently elected to make contact with me.
About three weeks into our agreed contract, I began to have visions about how I would spend the money. I even thought a cruise to Alaska might be nice for the wife and me. It might not be a bad idea to see my gnome's old stomping grounds. I decided that I would mention the idea to him- I was starting to feel more comfortable with him around and , perhaps, he could even keep an eye on the house- maybe, even use the spare bedroom while we were gone. Not a bad idea at all.
As fate would have it, however, the best -laid plans of gnomes and men can fail. He did not show up for his nightly meal two consecutive evenings. I knew something, somehow, some way, had gone astray. The call, which I knew would come, came: my wife told me to get home as soon as possible. The damn toilet, sink, etc. were clogged- we were having sewer-line problems. She had already called the plumber and he was snaking out the line. When I got home, Bill told me that he was able to clear the drain o.k. with his dredging line. Something, maybe a rat, had been stuck in the outside p.v.c. line. I intuitively knew what was the problem: the gnome had been gaining entrance to my home , nightly, through the sewer line and up and through the toilet. I had read something about this happening in a rather affluent suburb of Buffalo- a man had encountered a soaking -wet rat sitting in his kitchen. The cornered animal had lunged at him, but he was successful in killing it without being bitten. The water around the downstairs toilet had revealed the rodent's entry into his house- through the toilet.
I know now, with absolute certainty, that gnomes exist- they are everywhere- and they have been with us, like rats, for time immemorial. I do miss the gnome and , perhaps, one day, I will still take that cruise to Alaska with my wife. As for using your toilets at home, be careful! You never know what might bite you on the ass while you are reading a magazine….
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COPYRIGHT NOTICE
© 2002 David Soriano |
STORYMANIA PUBLICATION DATE
July 2002 |
NUMBER OF TIMES TITLE VIEWED
2888
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