Cosmic Joke (3) “In a way,” responded Martin, “I have. I’ve died, gone to Heaven, and made a very fast trip back. Twice, in fact.” Alexander smiled. “She put out, eh,” he said, then couldn’t help but cracking up at his own small joke. “That’s not it at all,” said Martin, who wasn’t even upset at Alexander’s insinuation. “I really have died twice. It’s very hard to explain, so you’ll just have to take my word on it.” “Sure,” said Alexander. “I’ll believe it. You certainly look the part.” Martin was generally a trustworthy person, Alexander figured he would just accept the unbelievable things he was being told, just this once. Especially since Martin was looking so incredibly content. They walked silently for a few minutes. Alexander had begun to talk several times, but words never came. Every time he happened to look up at Martin, he had been staring at one thing or another with an absurd smile on his face. Martin seemed to be taking an especially large delight in squirrels. Finally, Alexander found something to say. It wasn’t particularly good, but it was something. “You need help.” “No,” said Martin, “For once, I don’t need help. I am preposterous amounts of fine at this moment. Nothing seems to be wrong with the world. Is that so bad?” “Actually, yes,” replied Alexander, but he had quickly forgotten why. They walked to a curb. Alexander began to go across, when Martin held him back. Alexander began to say something again, but when he looked back at Martin, his eyes were closed and he had a disturbed expression on his face. Just then, a speeding bus passed over the section of street that Alexander would have been standing on. Needless to say, Alexander’s eyes widened. They had been doing that a considerably uncommon amount of times in the last few minutes. Opening his eyes, Martin for once began to look as if he had a question on his mind. “How the hell did I do that?” he asked to no one in particular. At least, no one he could see. “I did it,” said the person he couldn’t see. Alexander’s head snapped around in unison with Martin’s. She wouldn’t really have been very noticeable. She just sat there, on a bench that was stationed on the outside of the college’s grassy park. She wasn’t wearing clothes that would stand out, just some simple khakis and a white shirt. Her hair wasn’t any strange colors or badly arranged. In fact, the only really strange thing about her was the large pair of wings located on her back. The two young men gawked. She smiled. It wasn’t a special smile, it was just a smile. Earthly speaking, however, it was probably one of the most gorgeous smiles any living being had ever seen. Her curly brown hair perfectly framed her, well, angelic face. Her big brown eyes were delicately placed on her countenance in just the right position. Her tan features were the ideal mix of dark tones. She looked maybe 18, but her body size made her look even a bit younger than that. The two young men continued to gawk, as she spoke again. “Sorry about the wings. If I could make them disappear, I would.” Nothing came from anyone else’s mouth, which she took as an indication that it was all right to continue. “My name is Astria. I’m your guardian angel.” Speechless. “I’m stopping your death.” Silence. “Well then. Do you two ever talk?” she asked. She batted her eyelashes. After a few moments, Martin spoke. “Yes, but not usually to hallucinations,” Astria rolled her eyes. “Ok. So you’ve died twice, gone to Heaven both times, and you still think I’m an hallucination? You’re ridiculous.” She laughed for a moment, and the two remained captivated. “I know, I know. I’m beautiful. Probably the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. Well, consider this: I’m supposed to be God’s full-time, perfect warrior, right? No free will. I can’t quit my job. He owed me something. Unfortunately, this is usually what happens every time I appear to humans. Except you,” she said, looking at Martin. “You’ve gotten yourself stuck in true love, as I understand. Which means that this attraction to me should go away just about the second I say the word Alicia.” Martin shook his head. His mind had suddenly become clear—something it was not prone to doing, exactly—and he began to speak again. “Saint Peter told me you were one of the best,” he said. “Good old Pete. Yeah, he’s been a big advocate of mine. I’ve only been a guardian angel for about 100 years, which, cosmically speaking, is the blink of an eye, but due to my natural talent as a guardian, I rose through the ranks pretty quickly.” “You call him PETE?!” said Alexander, finally speaking. “Generally, yes. He’s a friend of mine. Like I said, my biggest advocate. Is this disturbing?” Alexander could only stare. “You being a former man of the cloth, you should know how much kinship there is in God. Well, it’s just as big in Heaven. If the earth learned to get along as well as Heaven does, you would all be a lot better off.” “I don’t doubt it,” replied Alexander, incredulous. “Too bad you quit the seminary because you couldn’t have sex. You would have made a great priest.” Martin’s mouth dropped. “You mean you quit the priesthood so you could have sex?” Martin laughed. “That’s the big mystery?” “Well it wasn’t as if I had a specific person in mind,” answered Alexander, doing his best too keep his composure. “I just wanted to keep my options open.” Martin could only shake his head feebly. “Anyway,” Astria quickly interjected, “I’m here to keep you from dying again. They tell me you have an extraordinary case of bad luck, huh? Well, I think I can handle that. I’ll stick around. Oh, and so you don’t wonder, I’ll keep myself visible most of the time.” “Won’t that… um… blow your cover?” Martin asked, gesturing towards the two celestial implements of flight anchored to the girl’s back. “Nope. You will always be able to see them, and any friend of yours within 2 feet of you. For instance, Alexander, move one step to the side.” Alexander, who was not used to being told what to do, did it anyway. The wings disappeared from his view, and left what seemed to be a normal, if not overtly attractive teenage female. He stepped back into Martin’s vicinity, and her wings shimmered into view. “Now,” said Astria, “Do either of you two know of any guys around here I could date and aren’t just expecting sex?” Needless to say, Alexander and Martin reinstated their previously employed stare. “What?” she said. “It’s been about one hundred fifty years since I was alive, and my favorite thing to do while alive is court. Of course, back then, you could only do it once, when you were going to marry someone. And come to think of it, it is what caused my untimely death… but oh well. I’m sure you all don’t make use of poison-tipped crossbows anymore, do you?” She began looking around. Ooh, he’s cute.” She pointed a pink fingernail at a boy across the park. He was walking around, looking generally confused, which was typical for any college freshman, really. Astria got up and walked over to him. As she did, the wings shimmered out of Alexander’s view. He snapped back to reality and looked at Martin. “So… you died… twice… and came back?” he said, thinking about the joke he had thought Martin was making just a few minutes before. “You quit the priesthood because you wanted to have sex?” Martin asked in reply, and walked away. Alexander shook his head and followed. ******** Alicia Reynolds sat in her dorm room, in front of her computer. She wasn’t really doing anything, however, she just felt she ought to be, and being in front of a computer almost always makes someone feel more busy then they actually are. She was thinking about Martin. About how strange everything had suddenly become in her head. Not three days ago, she and her friends had been talking. One of them had been badly dumped, by a man who was somewhere between “Amoebae” and “Platypus” on the evolutionary scale. But she had been upset nonetheless. Alicia had done hours of thinking that night, and come to the conclusion that she really didn’t need love, didn’t need the heartbreak, and didn’t need men. And she definitely wasn’t going over to the other side. Women were annoying. Then that morning, she had met Martin. She had seen him before—not many guys wore their pajamas to breakfast. But she never realized before that day that not many girls wore pajamas to breakfast either. Now today, after meeting him for breakfast again, she could barely think. They had talked for an hour about nothing, but at the same time, it was related nothing—everything they said was something the other was thinking. It was an amazing feeling. She brushed a strand of hair from her face. She decided to take a shower, dress up, and look good that day. She didn’t know why, really, she just wanted to. Things were getting too interesting to stay in pajamas all day. ********* Martin dried his hair. It wasn’t something he usually did. Washing his hair was fairly commonplace, it was the styling that he almost never took part in. But for some unknown, unforeseen reason, he had decided to. He even used gel. He looked over himself, and decided that for the first time since he had started college, he looked good. He had shaved, gotten a haircut, and dressed in some nice clothing. Dying twice and coming back normally gives a man a new zest for life. “Not bad,” said a voice. Martin looked ceiling-ward. “I don’t think you should be spying on me while I’m changing clothes,” he said, seemingly to the overhead light. “I’ve been on the couch for the last five minutes,” said Astria, who was, indeed, behind him on the couch. “You should be glad I’m watching over you. You aren’t very good at observing your surroundings. A hitman could have sneaked in here, or a psycho, or an elephant,” she said, very matter-of-factly. “An elephant?” he asked. “We have to think of everything,” she replied. “Now, onto your training.” “Training?” asked Martin, unsure of whether or not he should bother with this whole ‘living’thing, if he had to train for it. As he was thinking about this, a tennis ball smacked him in the forehead. “Lesson one,” she said. “No more closing off the world. No matter what you are doing, you must realize that nothing in this world revolves around you. If it did, it would be called ‘Martinworld’ or something that vaguely resembled an amusement park. Don’t think so much.” “Ok,” he replied. “Then how am I supposed to do things like homework?” “Homework requires much less concentration than you give it credit. You could be done that in five minutes and you waste an hour because you’re unsure of yourself.” Martin went blank at this statement. “You second guess perfectly legitimate work, and in the process not only dilute your accomplishments in your own head, but end up making stupid mistakes. You handle Calculus like most insecure men handle their girlfriends.” Astria chuckled a bit at her joke. Martin suddenly looked very skeptical. “Why do I have to learn all this? Aren’t you supposed to be my guardian angel? Isn’t that your job, to guard me?” he asked. He felt he was winning in the conversation, but, as demonstrated before, nothing can be sure when dealing with the divine. “You’re not the only person I’m guarding, first of all,” she said, annoyed. “Second, I’d like some free time to myself, thank you. I used to be human, and I’ve retained most of their sensibilities.” “Fine,” said Martin. “I’ll look after myself. Do you have plans?” he asked sarcastically. She turned her nose up. “As a matter of fact,” she stated, “I do.” Just then, there was a knock on the door. Martin got up to answer it, but Astria was already there. He didn’t remember seeing her walk over there. The door opened, and the frightened-looking freshman that Astria had pointed out in the park came through. “H-hi,” he stammered. He had a rose in his hand. “How sweet!” she exclaimed. Martin walked over to the freshman, and shook his hand. He was about to ask him what his name was, but the freshman got a strange look in his eyes, and looked over at Astria. Martin knew what he was seeing—he was within five feet of him, so to everyone in the room, Astria had wings. Martin looked at Astria, and Astria looked at Martin. They silently agreed on the best way to deal with the situation. Ignore it, and make him think he was having a hallucination. “You ok there, man?” asked Martin, as casually as possible. “I’m… fine…” he said. “My name is… something. Scott, I think.” “Ok, Scott, well, you two have a good time now, y’hear?” Martin was trying to sound as down-home casual as possible, and in the process, he sounded like a moron. The two walked out of Martin’s dorm. As they walked out of range, he saw Scott shake his head, and stare at Astria for a moment once again, but he seemed to be all right. Martin rolled his eyes. Things weren’t exactly going normally lately. He just hoped Scott had taken the wings as a hallucination-based metaphor. Martin debated on whether or not to go out of his dorm room. His guardian angel wasn’t exactly responsible for him at the moment, so reason told him to stay in his cozy bunker and not worry about leaving. He sat on his bed, then lay down, deciding to catch an hour or so of sleep. This plan was promptly ruined by a very wild-eyed, quite panicked ex-seminarian. “Get up! Get up!” screamed Alexander. “It’s gone!” “Gone?” said a weary, half-asleep Martin. “Yes! Gone! It’s gone!” At this point, Martin felt that he should probably clarify the situation. “Sit the Hell down, shut the Hell up, and calmly tell me what the HELL you’re talking about!” Martin clarified. Alexander stopped. “That’s a lot of Hell. Did you die again?” he asked. “What’s wrong?” Martin practically shouted. Alexander sat down on Martin’s bed. “It’s missing,” he said again. Very slowly, very cautiously, Martin asked what was missing. “The medallion. From the church. It’s missing,” Alexander replied. Again, with just as much caution this time, Martin asked what medallion was missing. Alexander rolled his eyes, which signified that it was time to hear an explanation. “The medallion of the saints was a relic held by the campus chapel. It wasn’t recognized by the Catholic Church, but it was said to be ancient and hold certain ‘properties’ that could never be fully explained. Legend says that it was found by a Mormon, but the founder of this college stole it away from him and used it as a selling point for the first students to attend this college. “So why would someone steal it?” asked Martin. “The properties it has are very mysterious—one of them being that whoever held the medallion could see the face of God.” Martin stared, astonished. He wasn’t a religious man, but something like that would definitely convince him to change his mind on the subject. “Exactly,” said Alexander, responding to Martin’s stare. “So why would someone steal this medallion? Power? Prestige?” “Money,” responded Alexander. “At least, that’s the only conceivable human gain. As far as heavenly, no one is sure.” “What do you mean by Heavenly gain, exactly?” asked Martin. “Heavenly gain. As in, what someone in Heaven or Hell could gain from possessing it. No one really knows.” “Oh,” said Martin. “Well then it doesn’t really affect me.”
Copyright © 2001 Charles Cotterman |