My Artificial Heart (16) "It's too much! I can't keep up, I just can't! Help! Dreeve-" Her words went dead as if someone had pulled a plug on her, her song simply ended. "Tammy!?" Everything became cold as I went limp on the floor. "Tammy, please come back. I can't last long without you. I can't..." My eyes rolled back, all thoughts stopped. Once again the cold dark blanket of death overcame me. A heart beat, a rhythm, a song of life. It's quiet, so quiet. There is no one around, the universe lies before me, empty just like me. God wanted me dead a long time ago, but my heart, my artificial heart refuses to hand me in. God says that I do not deserve his gift of life, that I'm a sinner and sinners need to go to where they belong. But my heart, my artificial heart won't let him take me. She doesn't care about his rules, she doesn't care about good or bad. She only cares about me, and for that it makes me sad. Sad to see her work so hard, and all for nothing. But now she is lost, and I can't find her. She is crying, and I can't comfort her. She is dying, and I can't save her. Something is missing, something is wrong, will you please help me find the part of me that's gone? I never wanted to hurt her, I never wanted to make her leave. She is so beautiful, she is so precious, but yet why do I only end up hurting her? A heartbeat, a rhythm, a sound? Coming from over there? On the other side of the universe. Start running! She's so far away, I must get there in time! Running, running, running. I can hear her singing, I can hear her song. What's this? Tears? Running too fast, my tears, they burn and disintegrate. All for nothing, but all for something. It's been so long, I've been running for an eternity. So many things have gone before me, so many memories it hurts. Don't worry, don't worry, I'm almost there, light behind me, pain behind me. Her before the self, I run and run, so many galaxies so many stars. Go by unnoticed, just like me, unnoticed. All so beautiful it hurts. So quiet it hurts. But now I see something, and now I know. You're inside there, where the clouds do form, and where the stars shine black. I feel a wind, a forceful wind, such a bright light, such a beautiful sight! Enter, Intra Sepkor! "Dreeve! Don't die! Please don't die." I began to stir, I was on a stretcher surrounded by what looked like a black cloth. "Tammy?" "Dreeve!" Her sobbing suddenly ended. "Dreeve! You're alive! Quick move! Do something!" "Huh? What's happening?" Without warning I was cloaked in a black blanket. Now why would someone do that? "Shit!" I yelled out. I began to kick and lash out as best as I could, anything that would show that this carcass was still up and running. The blanket was thrown off me. I found myself in the same room, with several paramedics and officers surrounding me. "Hey, Depante! Get over here this guys still alive!" Within seconds I had an army of paramedics poking and prodding away at me. "Damn, this guy was flat lining for 10 minutes! I could've sworn he was dead!" I was drenched in freezing sweat, and my stomach was a wretched mess. "What happened Tammy?" Tammy's song wavered, but it was beginning to show signs of improvement. "I'm so sorry Dreeve, I didn't mean to." Tammy's voice shook like someone who had just gone through a trauma. "You didn't mean to do what?" "I stopped singing, it was just too much to take in all at once, I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry! It won't ever happen again, I swear!" "Was I dead?" "For 10 minutes. After I recovered I found you laying their lifeless. I was so scared, I thought you were gone for good. By that time the paramedics had given up on you. Even as I started singing again, you still didn't respond. That's when I remembered you telling me that I ran on electricity. I thought about those books we were reading at Barnes and Nobles and I remembered reading that your brain runs on it too. So I started sharing some of my own with you. And it worked! I'm so glad you're not dead, I'm sorry I just stopped like that. It won't ever happen again, I promise!" A uniformed policeman bolted into the interrogation room. "Sir, we've just arrested the owner of the dog that attacked Kary Sewell." For the second time in my life I was walking out of prison, I had expected to be able to get out there without much incident. I figured you can only be crucified once, and that's it. As I looked across the way to the same spot where the mobs and media should have been from the last time I saw nothing. So the media did only focus on the negative side of things. "C'mon Dreeve, let's go home." Tammy's voice was still strained from last night’s events, I walked as slowly as possible so as not to exert myself and make Tammy work harder. I carefully descended down the set of stairs that just a week ago had been the stage of my public stoning. For once I could hear pigeons chirping and flapping their wings and the gentle wind that assisted me down the flight of stairs. I made my way to nearest bus bench and sat down. Tammy fell asleep soon afterwards. After a relaxing bus ride and short walk home I entered my dimly lit house, threw myself on the couch and was asleep within seconds. Chapter 24: Misinterpretation, a beautiful woman? "Hi, Dreeve. It’s me Sandy Sewell, the cashier lady at the Sweet Factory incase you've forgotten. I don't know if this is the right number, but I just want to know when I can talk to you soon." My eyes went wide open, it was Sandy! To hear her voice again was enough incentive to get my lazy ass off the couch and run to the phone. I practically knocked the table over as I wrenched the handset. Tammy was startled awake by my sudden exertion, I would have to apologize and punish myself later though. "Sandy?" I said, still groggy. "Dreeve, is that you?" "Yeah, you sure did get the right number. Uh, what's up?" Was she calling me to ask me out on a date? I crossed my fingers and hoped she would. "I really need to talk to you." Her voice was dragged out and sad. It seemed unnaturally sluggish, as if she had been crying all day. "Um, sure. What do you want to talk about." "I need to talk to you in person. If you’re available I was wondering if we can meet somewhere. Like the Rew City mall or anywhere really." A date, Tammy smiled along with me. "Sure! I'm available right now." "Ok, can you meet me at the Rew City mall near the Food Court at around 7:30?" "I'll be there! I swear it on my cat's grave!" my voiced zinged with enthusiasm. I hadn't talked so upbeat in years. I was actually going to go on a real date with a woman! And all I had to do was pick up the phone. "Alright, thanks a lot Dreeve. See you there." "Yup." Then she hang up. I picked out my switchblade and threw it blindly at the dartboard, hitting the bulls-eye yet again. "Yes! Ha ha!" A real date... Sandy sounded kinda sad though. Was she really wanting to go out with me? Or was this some kinda cruel joke? She wouldn't ask me to meet her at the mall for nothing though. I glanced over at the clock. "5:17 PM, I'd better start getting ready." "See Dreeve," Tammy suddenly spoke up. "I knew there was a woman out there that truly liked you. You don't need that dumb old Trissa anymore." There was some truth in her words, but even then I was reluctant in renouncing Trissa so soon. I dressed up in my most pimpin' clothes, I gelled up my hair and put on my best cologne. And as always I began filling up my pockets with my array of chocolate, candy, and other sweet snacks. As I looked into the mirror I pulled out a Twix and practiced my best line I had ever put to my flashcards. "Take it," I said suavely offering the Twix to the air, "Two for you, none for me!" Tammy applauded at my performance. "That was perfect Dreeve! Sandy is going to swoon over you!" Tammy and I laughed. "I'd better start heading over, I don't want to be late." I walked out the door and proceeded to the same old bus stop. I quickly reminded myself that I needed to buy a car before I forgot how to drive all together. I smiled at my reflection in the window of the bus all the way to the Rew City mall. I was confident that I had all of my flash card lines down perfect. Everything would go perfect for Sandy. I couldn't wait to sit next to her by a candle lit table and actually eat dinner with her! How quickly events were changing for the better. I wasn't used to such good luck. The bus made its stop and I leaped off. A quick walk through a rather full parking lot and I entered one of the cultural centers of Rew City. People criss-crossed about, some holding bags full of stuff and others sporting brand new haircuts. I headed for the Food Court, and into a bustling arena of steaming and sizzling food. I sat down and glanced over the area again and again like a lighthouse. "Look over there Dreeve, there she is!" Tammy always seemed to notice things before I did. I lay eyes upon Sandy's small image and waved. She headed over, I began to peer at her up and down from afar, the distance between us allowed me to view her magnificent body without the risk of being caught staring. The closer she came the more edgy I got. "Don't worry Dreeve, you've practiced all your life for this moment. I know you'll do great!" Tammy shouted encouragement to me until Sandy was right in front of me. Smile, and greet her coolly. "Hi Sandy," That was pretty average, I then went on to commenting on her appearance, "you look great." That wasn't good enough! "Uh, I mean. You look beautiful." She didn't seem to recognize my commenting. "Thanks for coming Dreeve." Her voice was dragged out and mallow, I began to worry what was really going on. "It was no problem at all! Um, so you wanna go eat lunch or see a movie? I'll pay for everything of course." I blurted out nervously. "What are you talking about Dreeve?" Uh oh, I thought. "Well, this is a date... right?" Before she even said it I let out a pre-emptive blush. "A date? Oh, no. This isn't a date, I'm sorry I didn't clarify. I was just in a hurry and so many things going on... I needed to tell you something. In person. Can we sit down?" Not a date? All my hopes burned up and died. Tammy was equally disappointed. I figured things wouldn't turn out for the better, they never did. We sat down at a table, as Sandy searched through her purse for something. She wore all black, sort of like funeral clothes. I was ready to scream at her to find out what the hell was going on. She gave a long sigh and looked at me with glassy eyes. "Dreeve, my only sister died yesterday." I averted my gaze to the table, I was too much of a coward to look into her sorrowful filled eyes. Tammy pushed me enough, and got me to look back at her. "Say something Dreeve!" "That... really sucks. I'm really sorry to hear that." I tried to say sincerely as possible. She had brought me all the way over here to tell me this? "Uh, how'd she die?" That was a rude question to ask, but I needed to find something out. I admired how Sandy was able to keep from bursting into tears for this long. "She was attacked by a dog, she didn't even last long enough for the paramedics to arrive." She wiped her eyes with a Kleenex. "Oh shit." I thought. That girl was Sandy's sister! That's where I heard the name Sewell. I'm a murderer, I thought. The guilt that was already running rampid in me grew stronger, as I realized that I had failed to save Sandy's own sister! I looked straight into Sandy's eyes, the way they looked so sad but yet managed to keep the tears at bay. She was much more stronger than I was. Even when her own sister was killed she could still hold her own, I found myself being more jealous than anything. That's when I freaked. "I was the one who was there.. Yes, I tried to help her. And yes I fucking failed, alright!?" Sandy was taken aback. I was hurting her even more. I was a monster and deserved to be shot right away. "Is that why you've called me all the way over here? To make me feel even more guilty! As if I needed help with that already!" "Dreeve, what are you talking about? I only wanted to-" "Rub it in?" I interrupted her cruelly. "I bet you probably think I raped her dead body too? Good God! I try to help women, I really do! But I only ending up hurting them and being publicly accused for it!" I shook my head in disgust over everything. "Dreeve, stop it! You're getting out of hand!" Tammy tried to intervene, but I ignored even her. "And I bet Oz already told you, didn't he?" "Dreeve, what's gotten into you? That's not what I wanted to tell you!" Her eyes narrowed in hurt. I had broken my oath, I had hurt a woman! I quickly pulled out my switchblade from my jacket, and with a quick slash cut a long gash down my forearm before sheathing the switchblade back into my pocket. Sandy stared at me in shock, she must've thought I was really going crazy. "I'm sorry." I said sitting down again. I applied pressure to the new wound, a trickle of blood already dripping down to the floor. Great, now I had officially proven myself to be a freak. "Dreeve, why the hell did you do that? Are you crazy!?" Sandy was completely confused as to what the hell was wrong with me. "I hurt you, again. Sorry I usually punish myself when I'm at home. But I needed to punish myself right away before I could hurt you anymore." Sandy was silent for a long while, not knowing what to say. In a perverted way I was glad that now she was the one feeling guilty. God, I'm such a fucking coward. "I killed that damn dog with this same knife, did you know that?" Sandy answered back with a long look of bewilderment. "This same knife, that I've used to cut myself so many times, this same knife that has seen so much innocent blood. So much blood, I'm so sick of seeing it!" Sandy was still silent. "The damn thing almost killed me. I was scared shitless. But when I saw that small woman, your sister, just laying their dying, my disgusting life lost all its value. For that one moment I felt that stupidly typical manly urge to save a 'damsel in distress'. That was so wrong of me to think of it like that. There she was lying their all bloodied and gasping for air, and I was imagining how the newspapers would be saying what a Good Samaritan I was. The thought of it just makes me sick. That dog almost gashed my throat out. But I stabbed it with this same knife I used to cut myself. This knife has hurt too many people. Now I have to live with myself, with the thought of knowing that I couldn't help her, that I couldn't save her. I'm sorry, but all you're really doing is rubbing it in. All you're really doing is making the guilt worse." "I'm sorry but that's not what I meant to do. I was going to thank you for doing what you did." I expected her to burst into tears, tell me how much of an asshole I was and run off crying, leaving a crowd of people staring at me viciously. But instead she remained there. Now it was my turn to feel guilty again. I was jealous of her self-control. "I really thought you called me over here for a date. Since the day I saw you I wanted to go out with you so badly. Until Oz kicked me out of the store. I've had no luck with women, but you didn't seem like the rest of them. You weren't afraid of me, you laughed when I stared at you and didn't seem to care how stupid I acted. No woman in my life has ever treated me like that. I wanted to go out with you so badly, now after all this I know I won't ever have a chance in hell of ever even talking to you again." I desperately pulled out a bag of peanut butter M&M's like an edgy smoker would pull out a pack cigarettes. I ripped the wrapper off and began obsessively munching on the painkillers. "That's all I ever do, hurt people." "Dreeve, Oz told me about why you were put in jail." I lowered my head in shame. "And I wanted to tell you that I don't care if you were put in their for murder! You've more than proven that you're not a bad person. And whether or not you believe that is up to you. Kary was my best friend. When I heard about what happened and what you did everything that Oz told me didn't matter one bit!" I swallowed down a handful of M&M's, my hand shook as I reached down for another handful. "Dreeve are you listening to me?" "I'm a rapist and a coward." I proclaimed, eating more M&M's to hide the shakiness in my voice. "I fucking attacked Trissa, she didn't even have a chance to fight back! Don't you get it!? I'm a monster! Why aren't you afraid of me!? Why won't you just say how much I suck and leave me alone!?" I looked away from her, I didn't have the guts to look her straight in the eye. "Trissa? Do you mean Trissa Meyers the actor? You know her?" Sandy didn't seem to care about the insults I was throwing at her. She had more courage than I thought possible.
Go to part: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
Copyright © 2002 Joshua B Ramirez |