My Artificial Heart (19) "Do artificial hearts like me go to heaven or hell when they die Dreeve?" My eyes went wide in shock. What would happen to Tammy? Was she going to die along with me? "Cuz if mechanical things like me go somewhere after we die I'd be sure to go where ever you go to, just so we can always keep each other company! No matter how good or bad you are I'll want to still be there with you." "I don't know Tammy, damn it, I don't know." There was a moment of painful silence. "I hope so." Tammy's voice trailed off into complete silence. Her heartbeat went from a pounding drumming to a soft murmur. "Tammy?" I turned myself over and placed my hand on my chest. Her song was getting fainter with each passing second! "Damn it!" I dragged myself over to the small TV table by my couch. I lashed out at the now towering TV table and successfully tipped it over, spilling the hospital issued brown bag that was given to me the day of my release. The contents of the bag spilt out onto the ground just like the M&M's that were sprawled randomly around me. My fingers began to go numb and I could barely even lift the weight of my own hand. I carefully unzipped the bag and reached in for the bottle of insulin. As well as an intimating long looking syringe. Going by how I observed the nurses use syringes I filled the syringe up with the "life-giving" transparent fluid. "Hang in their Tammy." She was now dead quiet, I pulled up my sleeve and tried to remember the instructions on the video they showed me on where to inject yourself with insulin. But I couldn't remember anything at all, I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to even pay attention. I'd bet Tammy would know, but there was no way she could help me now that she was on the brink of death. Already my body began to shiver as a freezing wind came over me. I tried remembering those movies that showed drug addicts injecting themselves with LSD, going by that I picked an unlucky vein and simply stuck the medicine in. "Ouch!" I injected the whole thing into me, until I could see the last drops leave the syringe. I injected the shot right on the same arm that I had carved Trissa's name in, but I wasn't doing this for Trissa. She had long lost my devotion. I didn't even do this for myself. I did this for Tammy. My eyelids suddenly weighed a thousand pounds, the blanket of death was thrown over me once again... Tammy and I woke up at the same time. The doorbell resounding across my small home, seeming to pulsate a rude awakening of life into the both of us. "Tammy, you awake?" Tammy yawned, and whispered through a strained voice. "I think so... Dreeve, are we in heaven now?" I sighed in relief, Tammy was ok. "No, this ain't heaven." "Oh no! We're in hell?" Tammy gasped. "No, we haven't even died. We're still alive, right here at home." "You, didn't kill yourself?" Tammy exclaimed, her voice still groggy. "I didn't want to kill you, I might be a rapists but I'm not a murderer." "Dreeve..." The doorbell rang again. "Someone’s at the door." Tammy started up her song again. I slowly got up and made my way to the door of my house. I slowly got up and crossed over into the "living room" of my house. Which was actually 12X12 ft room with a single table in it. I opened up the door, my eyes blurred with the passing of tears, and I had difficulty making out the image before me. "Hi," a high-pitched voice, definitely female but younger, "would you like to buy a box of Girl Scout cookies? They're only $1 a box and will help support the local Girl Scouts Community." She seemed to say the words almost like a pre-recording. I looked down at the little girl, her cheeks were still plump with baby fat and cookie crumbs dotted her wide mischievous grin. Obviously she had gotten in a couple of snacks while her parents weren't looking or something. "Don't buy any of those Dreeve, they have sugar in them!" Tammy was quick to respond to the now poisonous sweets. "Do you got any sugar-free cookies?" She looked through a green gunnysack she carried. "Ah, nope!" "Oh... ok." "Here's one!" She pulled out a box of very plain looking cookies. No chocolate chips, no sprinkles, just a boring beige. She held the box up to me with both hands, as if she were waving a banner. I handed over a crumpled dollar from my pocket and she gave me the green box. "Thank you!" She said, as she darted off to the open arms of her mother. I closed the door, not wanting to see such a perfect picture of mother daughter unity, peace and harmony. I wondered how they could've missed the sign on my front lawn... I opened up the box unenthusiastically, I no longer tore it open with the excitement and energy that I would a 500 pack of Snickers. "See Dreeve, there's lotsa stuff that you can eat that's sugar-free. They even got sugar free cookies." I reached in and grabbed a cookie, I inspected it carefully. Not knowing whether to eat it or use it as a drink holder. "How can you make a cookie without using sugar?" I pondered out loud. "Dunno, I guess they use that magic science stuff. Why don't you try it?" I took a small bite out of the cookie, and once the taste had been proven bearable I gobbled up the rest of the cookie. "It's just not the same." I really was missing my beloved chocolate. Tammy and I were silent for a long while, as I ate more of the plain cookies. "Sorry about trying to kill you Tammy, I didn't know that I was hurting you too." "You didn't hurt me Dreeve. Will both be ok. You might not be able to eat chocolate anymore but at least we still got each other. That's something no one can take away." "Yeah, I guess so. I'm going to miss chocolate." After this last suicide attempt I gathered up every piece of sweet, candy, and chocolate from every cabinet and hiding place and threw them all into a singe trashcan. Even my chocolate milk had to go. I found myself standing before a trashcan filled to the top with nothing but chocolate. I stood there with a box of matches in my hands, not wanting to continue on with the process. Trying to get one last look at my precious chocolate. "You'll be ok Dreeve, I'll help you." Tammy softened her song, the overwhelming dread I had been feeling early was numbed away by her quiet rhythm. With that, I lit the match and flung the burning stick into the mound of chocolate. It was engulfed in flames within seconds. "Never knew chocolate was so flammable." Tammy said as she watched the flames shoot up into the cloudy skies. The air suddenly smelled of baked jawbreakers and incinerated Reese's pieces cups. "Yeah, look at that thing burn..." We both stood there, mournfully watching like as if a Hertz was parked in front of us. The candy melted right before our eyes, almost as if someone had poured Holy water on the deadly treats. There was a sudden burst of flames that raised up into the air. Tammy tugged at my sleeve again. "Can we put the fire out now? I don't like fire." I gazed one last time at the cremation of the substance that had been like a girlfriend to me. It was time to let go of my precious chocolate, regretfully I doused out the bon fire of sweets. The trashcan became a smoking eruption of chocolaty ash. The air smelled just like peanut butter M&M's, my favorite... "C'mon Dreeve, let's get outta here." "Ok..." A whole day without any sugar at all. No M&M's, no Twix bars, nothing. My mind was filled with so many disappointments. I would have to go to a hearing tomorrow for the $500,000 lawsuit, I had lost Sandy for good now. All I had was Tammy. We went to Barnes and Nobles again that day, luckily that bitch wasn't around to ruin everything. And I was extra careful not to stare at anything but the books we read. We spent 6 hours there just reading stuff about dating, history, cooking (Tammy promised to make me dinner that day) and the Science Journal. Tammy wanted to read up on any news about artificial hearts, we couldn't find anything on the topic but still we had a good time. After I overcooked Tammy's dinner, we had to order pizza. I enjoyed every second of that day, because tomorrow I'd be in court. I went to sleep with the thought of jail lurking in the back of my mind. Tammy, as always slept peacefully, and at least in that I could be happy. Chapter 30: Nightmare, typical plot device? Or escaped vision of the mind? I looked deep into her eyes, and for the first time ever she looked back with an equal affection. When I smiled, she smiled back. This was so weird, it scared me. Suddenly I found myself holding hands with Trissa Meyers herself. She wasn't angry, or afraid, she was happy. We were both happy. Sitting there together, at that table for two, before the quiet lake that reflected the fireworks that thundered romantically off in the distance. "Dreeve, you are the best man I've ever known. Tonight has been wonderful!" Such strange words to come out of her. What I did was even stranger. I reached into my pocket, expecting to pull out my switchblade. Instead I held in my hands a box, I opened it and inside was a glimmering wedding ring. I presented the jewel to a being of even greater beauty and heard Trissa gasp in complete surprise. "Will you marry me?" It didn't even sound like I had said it. This was so weird, this was freaking me out. Why was this happening. Suddenly my view moved outside my body, I found myself inside a dark tunnel. At the end of the tunnel I could see the star lit sky. I didn't feel like me, my mind thought of only one thing, killing. What was this feeling, this sudden bloodthirsty urge to kill, to take life? What was I? The view of the star lit light changed, the view moved roughly, almost like a cameraman running would shake the view of a camera, and just as quickly as it changed it now had a different view. A disturbing view of Trissa sitting at the same table we were at, talking to me. I could still see myself holding the ring up to her. Almost like a snapshot of us had been taken, we didn't move a bit. There was the sound of moving gears, of a pin being pulled, and suddenly the tunnel filled with hellish fire. I was airborne! I was a bullet! Switched views again! I was still outside myself, I was another carbon copy of myself watching me proposing to Trissa. But that wasn't my main concern. I moved as fast as time did, I could see things I thought weren't possible. I could see a man holding the weapon from 400 yards off into the pitch-black darkness. And I could see the deadly bullet as it hurled its way at her, at Trissa! What the hell was going on? Was this really happening!? Instinct over came all thought, my outside self ran at a speed rivaling that of the bullet that hurled so carelessly at Trissa. It was moving so fast, I thought I wouldn't make it in time. Suddenly a bright light flashed before me, a light straight from heaven raining down on me. I could hear laughing, divine laughter, God and all his angels and saints, all of them laughing together. I couldn't see! I couldn't stop those bullets in time! Why did God do that!? Back to myself again. Watching myself holding the ring up to Trissa. She smiles ever so pleasantly. A quick smile, and then a heart-wrenching moan. Her bright green dress suddenly shreds apart, a blood filled red hole pierces straight through her heart, "TRISSA!" I get off my seat, as if by doing so I can somehow defy the laws of physics and stop those bullets from coming. That I could some how beat time, beat death, beat God himself. I was wrong, and they all laughed cruelly as they crucified Trissa before my very eyes. The way she looked at me, her eyes wide open, as if to ask me what was happening? As if to ask me to somehow stop her pain. But I couldn't, I couldn't help her, I couldn't save her, I couldn't numb the pain that she was feeling. Another part of her green dress shredded open as a 2nd bullet ripped through her with a sick-whacking sound. The sound of bones being crushed, of flesh being ripped apart, of life being taken away. And another shot, the final deathblow that found its way through one end of her pretty neck and out the other. That's what did it, and her eyes no longer asked me stop her pain. Her eyes no longer talked, the green life that had existed so fruitfully inside them now turned dead with no emotion at all. As she slumped down on her chair, I could feel a wave of pure misery overwhelm me. Why did God do this!? "You can not have her, I will make sure of it." I could hear him say. I looked up to the sky, just seconds before watching a bullet come down on me like a drop of rain. Straight for my face, between the eyes. This was a shot that would take me out for sure, there was no surviving this one. "Dreeve!" It was Tammy's voice, pulling me out of the nightmare before the bullet could strike me down. I woke up gasping for air, my hands went immediately to my chest. I quickly checked for a heartbeat, and thankfully could feel Tammy still singing inside me. Equally surprised and afraid as I was, we were silent for a long while trying to make sense of what was going on. She listened to my fast, uneven breathing while I listened to her racing, pounding heartbeat. It was still dark out, we lied their listening to each other, making sure that we were both alive and well. Finally Tammy spoke. "That was scary Dreeve! What was all that we were seeing? Did that really happen? How did we get all the way over to that place, and how did Trissa get there? And the bullets and the screaming and the blood! Dreeve what's going on?" "It was... a nightmare." A very bad one at that. "A nightmare? What's that?" "A nightmare, it's a dream, except it's a bad one." "Why was it so real? Why was it so scary? We were in that place only seconds ago, but now we're back home here safe and sound." "Nightmares do that, they can move you around like dreams do, except the places they take you are not to pleasant at all." "A dream that's bad? I thought dreams were only suppose to be good? I thought they were supposed to be only things that you want to happen. Did you want what happened in that 'nightmare' to really happen Dreeve?" "No, nightmares are different from dreams. Nightmares are things you don't want to happen. They come whenever they want and scare the hell out of you and make you lose sleep." Tammy moved closer inside me, hiding herself under the cover of my hand. "That was way too scary for me, I won't let that stop me from singing though, I promised you I would never do that again, and I won't! I just hope that doesn't happen again. I've never seen a person get shot before. I can't believe that's something that happened to you, I don't want to ever see that again, never!" "Me too..." We laid back down again, and we both waited for each other to calm down enough. "Please don't let another one of those 'nightmares' happen to us again. I don't want to go through anything like that again." Tammy requested kindly. "Let's get some sleep, I'm sure you can't have more than one nightmare per night." "I hope so." Tammy echoed fearfully. Tammy was asleep within minutes, I soon followed afterwards. Chapter 31: For a good cause- Bank Robbery. "I can't believe I’m being sued by that damn bitch. You'd think she'd find a better way to make money" "I don't get it either Dreeve," Tammy added, on my side as always. "I thought you could only sue a person if you broke their car or something. I didn't know just looking at someone was a crime." "Yeah that's what I thought." "I don't get why those 'women' gotta be so mean to you. Things will work out, I'm sure they'll will." I walked into the bank and a gale of well air-conditioned atmosphere came at me. The heat was stingingly painful outside and the drastic change in temperature relaxed me a bit. There was a long line of people waiting their turn. A guy in a nice business suit peered at his watch like a TV set, the gal next to him fanned herself with a brochure. I joined in, passing my time by staring at the dull gray floor. "At least this place is nice and cool. Hey, why are we here anyways?" I forgot to tell Tammy on the way over. "I gotta make a withdrawal to pay that damn lawsuit." $500,000. My parents transferred the money into my account. The benefit about being an only child was that my parents didn't have to stretch their resources. Paying my fine was easy for them. I thanked them throughly when they agreed to give me the cash. "Oh, will we still have to go to jail?" Tammy asked, thoughts of prison still lingering in both our minds. "No, not if pay the fine." "Good, cuz I don't want to go back to jail." "Me either." I smiled at Tammy, she had a way of making you feel good about yourself even though you weren't. "I heard Trissa is coming to town." I mentioned. Tammy was still asleep when I was watching the news this morning. "What!? What is she doing back here? I thought she was living in Hollywood?" "She's going to visit her old acting school, for some kind of promotion. I'm sure I probably won't run into her though. She's a celebrity now, I'm sure she's got plenty of security running about. I don't really care though." I lied, in the back of my mind I was hoping I could catch a glimpse of Trissa again. If Tammy wasn't asleep I would've rushed to get a video cassette to tape record her rather short appearance on Rew City television again. I moved up a place in the annoyingly long line, this would probably take a while.
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