My Artificial Heart (5) "You've been invited to come join us on the Jerry Springer Show." That didn't sound good. "As a security guard?" I tried kidding, I didn't want to make her feel offended by my disappointment. Her impersonal voice was brought to life by her feminine laughter. "No, no silly. As a guest. Thank you for taking interest in our staff though. Do you know anyone by the name of Trissa Meyers?" Trissa, now that was unexpected. All my life she'd been trying to get away from me, now she wanted me to come with her on the Jerry Springer Show! "Yes I do." "Well, have you watched the Jerry Springer Show before?" "Yeah, I watch it all the time." I watched the show every day. I found the Jerry Springer Show very interesting. I liked the ones about stalkers especially, because I could sympathize with them. "Then you know it ain't good news then?" "Yeah." I answered docilely, I felt like a dog that was in for a beating. She gave me the news as carefully as she could, I guess she must've had a lot of experience doing this working for Jerry Springer. "Your tickets to Chicago are already paid for then, you'll have to pay for the hotel reservations if you don't mind. Thanks for being a good sport about all this." Such a kind lady, I wish I did work for Jerry Springer. "Thanks a lot, I always wanted to go see Jerry Springer in person. As part of the audience, but I guess this won't be so bad." I would be on the Jerry Springer show in 4 days. As I raced to pack my bags my heart pounded with the potential of meeting Trissa in person again. This could be my chance to show my love for Trissa to the whole nation. Maybe I could even win her heart back and we would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But then again that seemed far from what would really happen, knowing my luck, and the ruthlessness of the Jerry Springer audience. I began to worry that my few minutes on the spotlight would be more of a public stoning and humiliation than anything. After everything was packed I made my way for the Rew City airport, and to the good city of Chicago. Chapter 9: My Crucifixion on TV "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Began their chant. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the 8th wonder of the world, Jerry Springer!" The audience went into an uproar, chanting their master's name in perfect synchronization. I watched everything anonymously through the backstage TV. This was the Jerry Springer Show, and I knew that I was going to be crucified. "Thank you, thank you! How nice you are. Today on our show we are going to meet a woman who is fed up with her stalker!" "Boo!" Chanted the crowd in disapproval. I could here the chaos from backstage, the thought of going out there became more and more scary with each passing second. "Please meet Trissa." The camera showed Trissa, wearing her tight spaghetti strap blouse and rather short skirt. She was prettier than ever, the make up artist must've done a really good job with her. "She says that she has had the same man stalking her since the 1st grade!" The crowd burst into another fit of booing and laughing. "Trissa, tell us about this stalker, do you know him personally?" "Well Jerry, unfortunately, I do know him. We went to the same school together, but other then that I didn't care about him." How soothing it was to hear her voice! She melted away all the fears I had before. Her voice was so clear, so divine. God I loved her voice. "And when did he start to become infatuated with you?" "Since the day he saw me, this guy is a total freak." "Boo!" The audience resounding their hate for me again. "Wow, and he's been stalking you ever since?" "Yes Jerry, and I am sick of it. I don't know why he can't just get a life. I've come here today to tell him to quit it once and for all." "Whoo, yeah!" The audience praised her ultimatum. "It's that bad?" Jerry Springer asked. "We used to go to the same high school together. And he would just always stare at me. It's like he just wouldn't stop!" "This guy sounds pretty sick to me." Jerry gave his famous nod and the crowd went wild. "Whoo, Jerry! Jerry!" The audience chanted again, praising the words their master spoke. "Ok, my producers are telling me we have video footage of this man following you around." The screen turned to a countdown. God, they were going to show the video! "Hi Jerry, I'm Trissa and I brought the Jerry cam along with me so that you can see what a dumb ass this guy is." It cut to the scene where I was caught spying on her with binoculars in the bushes as she was exiting the Rew City auditorium. "Look there he is!" She pointed me out to the cameras. The crowd laughed at my embarrassing entrance. At the time I wondered what a cameraman was doing with her, then I noticed the Jerry Springer T-shirt he wore and decided it was time to make a run for it. I ruffled through the bushes, not expecting such a thing, my actions would be shown on national TV, I had to get away. "What the hell is wrong with you, huh?" Trissa yelled out. "What the hell is your problem?" The crowd laughed even more when I tripped and fell down several feet from the bushes I was hiding in. Then came the part where she started throwing stuff at me, at one point she threw a pretty large rock, that found it's mark on my shoulder. That one really hurt. I dashed off like a scared dog. God this was so embarrassing. The video ended, as well as what was left of my dignity. "I swear Jerry, this guy has like no life! He just won't leave me alone!" "We'll meet this guy when we come back! Stay with us!" Then it cut to a commercial. I paced about the backstage room. I had done my research and rented a couple volumes of Jerry Springer episodes. In the 4 days I had to prepare I watched over 80 episodes. I was determined to not make myself look like an idiot, but I doubted that things would turn out the way I wanted them to. The typical Jerry Springer audience was simply unstoppable. No one likes a stalker, and will always side with the woman. Especially a beautiful one like Trissa. As the clock ticked closer to show time my research had gone out the window. My knees trembled and I panically paced about like a rat inside a cage. I had prepared a nice stack of flash cards, I had them in my brown leather jacket. I pulled the cards out and went to the section for questions. "Can't you find another woman? There are plenty of women in the world." I read what I predicted Jerry Springer might ask me. "Answer: There are plenty of fish in the sea, but none are as pretty as Trissa. (Wait for crowd to respond. If they respond negatively go to section C3.)" "Ok, I can do this." If I could make myself look like a sincere, sensitive guy in love with a fair princess then maybe the crowd would spare me. And I could save myself from my public humiliation. If not, then I was screwed. I would be remembered forever as the no good guy who stalked poor Trissa. I listened up as I heard the Jerry Springer chant start up again. I turned to the backstage screen again and prepared for the worse. "Welcome back! If you've just joined us, Trissa here has been stalked by the same guy since the 1st grade, and she says she's sick of it. "Let's meet him, here's Dreeve!" I closed my eyes and said to myself, "I am not the bad guy, stick to the script, remember your plan, and whatever you do don't fight back to anyone. I am not the bad guy." One of the stage directors motioned me to the set. I stepped out of the safety of the backstage and out into a hail of daunting booing. The crowd taunted me in unison, "You suck! You suck! You suck!" I knew this was going to be an uphill battle, but now that hill began to look like a very steep mountain. I tried to keep my composure. The stage director motioned me to sit one chair away from Trissa. I sat down and as I waited for the crowds booing to end I took a long look at Trissa and tried to smile at her. She returned my smile with a hateful scowl. Even in anger her pretty face never lost its beauty. "All right, it says here you've been stalking Trissa for quite some time now." Think before saying, I reminded myself. "Yes I have Jerry." I answered respectfully, I had to try and get Jerry on my side. Something that was almost impossible for a stalker like me to accomplish. I had to settle for his pity, or at least his sense of humor, anything that would lessen the pain that was about to be bestowed upon me. "And you don't feel this is wrong? Its pretty obvious Trissa doesn't like you doing this." Remember the flash cards, and answer. Think before saying, always think. "Trissa is the most beautiful girl in the world Jerry." I said in my best Prince Charming voice. The crowd laughed at me. I could hear a loud voiced girl way in the back shout out loser. "I want to show how much I love her." "If you love her buy her a birthday card but you don't go stalking her wherever she goes!" Jerry retorted. I should've known not to challenge his wisdom, the crowd burst out in laughter, following it up with the famous Jerry Springer chant. "Trissa and I have known each other since we were kids, I love her with all my heart Jerry, all I'm trying to do is get her to realize the same thing. We were meant for each other." Trissa got up from her chair in a fit of anger, "Do you see what I'm talking about Jerry!? This guy is like, fucking psycho!" The crowd laughed, I didn't like it that they were laughing at her, or were they laughing at me? "You can see Trissa doesn't want to be intimate with you, why don't you just say, 'Hey, so she doesn't like me, there's plenty of other women who can love me the way I want to be loved.'?" "I don't want to be loved by anyone else, Jerry. Trissa is my love." I was starting to see how bad off my obsession was, but that still wasn't going to sway me from my dream. "Trissa you said you have a boyfriend, right?" "Yes I do Jerry, I have a boyfriend and he is taller, stronger, and way more sexy than you are. And he is going to kick your ass!" The crowd cheered for Trissa. So far it was Trissa 5 and me 0. "Let's bring him out! Here's Tray!" The crowd cheered, I could feel the stage rumble beneath my feet. I turned around and saw an infuriated Tray Kalwith charging at me, his hands clenched in fists and his eyes demanding my blood. Don't stand up, don't fight back, its dishonorable to hit a guy when he's sitting in a chair, he wouldn't try it and if he did he'd lose points with the crowd. I sat there like a cow ready to be slaughtered and prayed that Steve and the rest of the bouncers would stop him in time. The crowd begun their Jerry chant as Steve and two of his bouncers rushed on stage just in time to stop Tray from ramming his fist into me. I remained seated in my chair, I didn't want to get up, I had to win the crowds favor. Finally Tray gave up his quest to kick my ass temporarily, he moved his chair close to Trissa, sitting between her and me. The crowd finished their chant, Tray shot an angry glare at me. "You're a coward, that's what you are. You won't even stand up to fight, you can pick on her but when I'm around you turn into a grade-A pussy!" The crowd laughed and cheered at his stylish remarks. I was at a loss. Jerry Springer intervened for me. "Hi, welcome to show. You're Trissa’s boyfriend, correct?" "Yes, but soon to be husband and wife." The two turned to each other and smiled, holding each other’s hands in a show of their picture perfect love. "Oh so you two are engaged." Jerry turned to me, "Don't you think its time to move on Dreeve? You can see they're happy together, why would you want to continue to only hurt yourself." I turned to Trissa and Tray. I purposefully began remembering sad events, like the time Trissa got an F on her progress report, the time my grandpa died, and the time my cat Cocoa ran away. It worked and I had a set of glassy eyes. "Trissa, you've only known Tray for a little while. He might be a good man, but really I am so in love with you it hurts. It hurts like hell, every second I'm not with you it's just like torture. I need you more than anything Trissa." "Ah, bullshit!" Tray retorted, the crowd backed him up and booed me even further into the ground. My plan wasn't working out at all. "Look, I might not be as good looking and popular as Tray is but I got something that he doesn't." "And what's that?" Jerry asked. My mind went blank, I forgot what I was going to say. There was a long moment of silence, then the crowd erupted in a fit of laughter. My cheeks burned red. "You are such a loser Dreeve." Trissa stuck another dagger into me, all I needed was a final blow to finish me off. Jerry walked up to a woman in the crowd and handed her the microphone, "You," she said pointing at me, "Need to get yourself a hooker, by the looks of it you seem to haven't been laid in years. And you need to stop bothering these people because you are a white trash loser!" The crowd cheered. Goddamn it, I wasn't white, I was half Irish! The crowd hurled their stones at me with their Jerry Chant. After the taunting cheers died down their master spoke.
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