My Artificial Heart (6)
"Well it looks like you two are going to stay together, and Dreeve are you going to continue to stalk her or are you going to move on?" "Without her I have no purpose to live, Jerry. It'll take a bullet to stop me from getting her to love me!" "Well then let's hope none of us have a gun handy! We'll be right back! Stay with us!" My words were for show, the truth was I had lost the will to live already. I actually wanted a bullet to strike me down, it would end much more than just my life, it would end my suffering. Chapter 10: Trissa's Photo I went home to my small 3-room house and sat down in my chair staring at a blank TV. I looked at all my artwork; every single drawing was of her. Every wall in my house had huge pictures of her, like as if she were some kind of rock star all ready. I had spent more than a thousand dollars trying to make myself look good for her, I spent even more on books and cassette tapes on dating and courtship, not to mention the costs for buying all those flash cards. The financial damage wasn't what bothered me, what bothered me was the time I wasted trying to win her, time that could never be replaced. Everything that I had worked so hard for was completely tossed aside the moment she confirmed her engagement to Tray. Perhaps the worst tragedy of it all was that I had carved her name into my left arm with my switchblade as a sign of my devotion to her. That mark would never go away, never. It would remain a constant reminder not of my love of her but of the hurt that I caused her. Of all the bad stuff I'd done to make her life miserable. I was such a pitifully disgusting person. I just couldn't live with all the sins I had committed, I simply couldn't live anymore, not without Trissa. I thought that maybe I should see anyone, my parents, a councilor, a psychiatrist, a priest- hell I needed help bad. My imaginary temple to Trissa was crumbling about me, and I still stayed worshiping at an altar that was falling on top of me. I gazed at the one photo, the only real photo that had both Trissa and me in it. The only reason for that was because she didn't even know she was in it when the picture was being taken. I had brought a Polaroid camera to school and secretly hid it in the bushes just in front of where Trissa and her friends always sat and ate lunch at. I set the timer for 30 seconds, which would give me enough time to get Trissa’s attention, and strike a pose. I watched as her friends all sat down, laughing and chattering away as always before even touching their lunch. I moved from my hiding spot in the bushes and quickly ran to the hidden camera and started the picture. I quickly passed the Holy Line that surrounded that table, I had given myself permission to enter in her presence. I walked up to her and stood right besides her. "Hey Trissa, look over there!" I yelled out. "What?" It worked, she looked in the direction of the camera. "Smile!" I jeered playfully, I got as close to her as I dared, like people do in those photo booth pictures. There was a bright flash and the picture was taken. "Thank you Trissa! You are looking great today! Thanks!" "What the hell was that Dreeve!?" I didn't want to answer her back because I didn't want to offend her anymore than I already had. I ran to the camera and pulled out the Polaroid picture that came fresh out. I then retreated to the back of the gym to stare as the first image of Trissa and me together developed before my eyes, it was like looking at my dream through a window. I had once cherished that picture more than my own life. It was one of the many relics that I kept safely locked away in my safe. But now, as I held it in my worn and tired hands the picture became a joke. An unmerciful subliminal message from Trissa. "I don't like you, I hate you. Get away from me you freak!" Her words came to me like cold drops of rain running down my back, chilling me to the bone with their weight. "I can't get away from you Trissa." I said to the picture, I was starting to get a little concerned. Usually I kept my imaginary dialogues with Trissa inside my head. "Can't you see? I worship you! I worship you god damn it!" "I don't care about that, you're just a stupid stalker with nothing better to do. You only 'like' me for my body and nothing else. You don't really love me, you'd just love to fuck me like you do in your fantasies every day." "That's not what my fantasies are about, that's not what they're about at all!" Things were starting to get really scary, Trissa’s voice was actually talking to me. I had no control over it, this was definitely not another one of my self-induced guilt trips. "You are such a lier, all those drawings you made of me, you just use them to jerk off to don't you? I know you do, because you're such a sick son of a bitch with nothing better to do." her voice echoed with pure hate. "That's not what my drawings were for, I meant to show them to you. To show how much I think about you." I said sincerely to the now very real voice of Trissa. "Yeah, how much you think about staring at my boobs all day. You are a fucking pervert. I hope you die." "Don't walk away from me Trissa, I really need you right now." "Ha! Go find some other whore to jerk off to you fucking faggoty ass wuss. You are such a pathetic sack of shit and you don't even know it. Well I know it, and I also know that you're going to burn in hell!" "NO!!" With the energy of hate and fear combined I tore the Polaroid picture in two, straight down the middle. I watched in horror as I saw myself on one side of the now separated picture and Trissa on the other. The only real picture I had of her and me together and I had just destroyed it! In desperation I tried to get some tape to put it back together, but couldn't find a single piece of tape in my home. "You're an asshole, you're a coward, you're a loner, you're a faggot." Trissa began bombarding me with her degrading words. I immediately convulsed in regret for ripping up her sacred picture. "Don't say that Trissa, I'm going to glue the picture back together again! It'll be good as new and everything will be like it was again." "You're a pervert, an ugly son of a bitch, a lying piece of shit." "Stop saying those things Trissa! I'll have this picture back together again, just please stop cussing me out!" Where the fuck did I put the glue? "You're a coward, and you're going to burn in hell just like your grandpa is!" I jumped when she mentioned my grandpa. That was an insult that I could not tolerate, even from her! "Leave my grandpa out of this, he was not a coward." "Oh? And why else did they kick him out of the army? Let's see, leaving his post in the middle of a battle, leaving his squad to die in the freezing snows of Korea. Oh and did I mention killing an innocent civilian? Sounds like a coward to me." The picture of Trissa turned to me and smiled quickly. I glared back at her, I wasn't going to run away from a picture! It was just that, a picture and nothing else! "That was not his fault, he was a very brave man! He helped that Korean woman out from that jeep wreckage while he was running. That's not cowardice, not by a long shot! He never killed anyone who didn't try to kill him. I know that's the truth." "That story he told you," Trissa’s voice was sadistically cruel, "all one big lie. He couldn't take the shame of returning home a coward, so he just went and made up that story just to save his own ass." "You're fucking lying!" I held the picture up close to my face, staring back at Trissa. "And you know what? Right now, right this very instant he's in hell screaming like a bitch. He's hanging from meat hooks, torn to bits with his flesh burning in the flames. He's paying for all the bad things he did to good people! That sounds a lot like you doesn't it Dreeve? Looks like cowardice runs in the family." "You bitch!" I tore the picture up completely, every single piece I mutilated beyond recognition. Until I was surrounded by a confetti of shredded bits and pieces of the picture that I had once worshiped. I got up and quickly ran to the bathroom. I doused my face with water and looked myself straight in the mirror. My hands convulsed in an adrenaline rush. What had I done? Was that even real what I was hearing? Was grandpa really telling a lie? Or was I just really going crazy? "No," I said to myself in the mirror. "That was all just... an illusion. Yes, an illusion. I haven't gotten enough sleep, the airplane ride home sucked. Yeah that's it. That's probably what's making me see things." I smiled at myself, trying to reassure myself that I wasn't going insane. "An illusion, huh?" Trissa stood in the mirror staring right back at me, my smile died. She was wearing only her bra and panties, but she looked more evil than sexy. I didn't want to turn around, for fear that I would confirm this "illusion" to be real. She walked up to me and put her arms around me. I could actually feel her warm touch around my back, I could feel her silky hair brushing across my face! I remained there, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She looked at me through the mirror as well. "You're not real. I know you're not. You couldn't have gotten here, Trissa doesn't even know where I live." "Not real huh? Then why don't you turn around and prove it. If I'm not real, you'll turn around and you'll see nothing. But I don't think you will, you're too much of a pussy to even try it." "Shut up." I clinched my teeth to suppress my wrath. But she was right, I didn't want to turn around. "Whatever happened to the 'I never want to hurt a lady' bullshit Dreeve? You just insulted me, aren't you're going to slash your wrists now? Or how 'bout abstaining from chocolate for a couple of years? I like that one, it's really cute how stupid the things you do are." "You're... just an illusion. Nothing you say is true." "The earth is round, no two objects can occupy the same place at the same time, time runs only in succession. The sky is blue and it is 10:26 PM right now. Aren't those true? They can't be lies, so therefore not everything I say is false. Everything I say is true, every word of it, and you know why? Because I'm Trissa, you're goddess. Now turn around and kiss my feet you idiot." "No." "Isn't this one of your fantasies Dreeve? Look at me, don't I look so sexy? You always wanted to see me in my underwear, well, here you got it. Now how 'bout you turn around and I'll let you touch too?" My heart slammed against my chest, as if it too wanted to run away. But I couldn't turn around, I didn't want to. "You always wanted to kiss me Dreeve, of course that was just your way of saying you wanted to fuck me. C'mon Dreeve, I'm right here. Let's do it now. You can finally live out your cute little dream. You made it sound so innocent with all those firecrackers and romantic candle lit dinners, you know you're only bullshitting yourself." She pushed herself closer to me, she edged her face closer and closer to mine till I can feel her warm breath upon my cheeks. "What's the matter? Too afraid of a real woman?" She blew into my ear. "You're not real, god damn it!" "Oh, just shut up and fuck me!" Suddenly she pulled my face to hers and kissed me straight on the lips. All breathing stopped, my heart froze in panic. She was real! "I'll show you what really happened." Chapter 11: Liar I was running through a freezing valley, my heavy breathing muffled against the backdrop of mortar fire and machine guns blaring. The ground shook as if the sky and earth changed places and now I was in the middle of a thunderstorm. Every single boom, every singe pop of rifle fire had the capability of killing me. I had to get out of that fucking blender. There was just no way! Each explosion shook through the foundation of my soul to the point of collapse. Until it revealed the true coward inside me. Lt. Yani, Fred, Mett, I left them all behind. The enemy, they were everywhere! There was just no way, the orders were to stay but my heart told me otherwise. What would I tell my son? What would I tell him if I ever did return home? I would have to lie to him, but sooner or later the truth would come out. I abandoned my squad, my friends, I abandoned the country that I swore to protect! And why? Because I was too afraid to take a bullet? I made it to a bend in the road. I laid low in a small ditch to catch my breath. I must've ran a mile already. While I rested there I carefully reloaded my carbine. I had only fired off a couple of blind shots when I first saw the muzzle flashes. I only did that so I could prove I wasn't gun-shy. Then after Fred's arm was blown off and Mett dissapeared off the face of the earth I ran. I ran for all I had. Leaving Lt. Yani there, alone, most likely to die. I slipped the new cartridge in, and placed the carbine over my chest. In that small ditch I felt like I was in the protective arms of my own mother, the ditch seemed to muffle the loud thundering explosions that had me so damn scared. I missed all of my family, especially my son. I wanted to get back home to them in one piece, so what if I didn't win any medals, I just wanted to get back home to them. "This is Lt. Yani, I need an artillery barrage now on G-109. My squad has just been wiped out, Private Rytl has run off like a bitch. I need that artillery support now! Do you copy?" I could hear Lt. Yani's roughened voice just across the road and someone in the snow-covered brush. Had he seen me run? If the operators took note of what he told them I could be court marshaled. The crackle of rifle fire continued on like a stubborn rainstorm that just wouldn't end. There was a distant whistling scream that came closer and closer. I tried to predict when it would hit, I waited and waited. Now. A boom that sent a shock wave through my body, it seemed so far away yet the aftershock of it had me terrified. I hesitated to look over the ditch I was in, it was a good thing I did. For just seconds later the road simply disintegrated in an eruption of shrapnel and dirt clods. I covered my face with my helmet. Suddenly the dirt wall behind me began shredding apart by rifle fire, death was very persistent today. There was a burst of short controlled machine gun fire coming from Lt. Yani, and immediately the wall behind me ceased to fall apart on me. Lt. Yani got whoever was shooting at me. That one event uplifted my morale and gave me enough guts to say something. "Lt. Yani, sir! I'm right over here in this ditch on the other end of the road! How many do you see out there, sir?" I could hear him ruffle through his cover. "Private Rytl you son of a bitch! You were ordered to hold you're ground! I'll have you court marshaled you asshole!" I glanced over the ditch finally, just in time to spot a column of the enemy moving across the hills. I recognized the glare of a heavy machine gun being set up. "There right there by the hill, sir! Watch out!" I lifted my heavy carbine over the ditch, hold your breath, aim for the center of mass, and pull the trigger! I expected to see the muzzle of my gun spill out orange flames, I expected to feel the kick of my carbine pushing me into the cold earth as it unleashed death at my command. Instead I only got clicking, simple clicking. Like a weak calf stuck in the middle of a stampede, the one time I had the guts to shoot back and nothing! My gun wouldn't shoot! Why wouldn't it shoot? "Lt. Yani, sir! They're right in front of you!" "My platoon has been wiped out, I need that artillery now god damn it!" Seconds later Lt. Yani simply disintegrated in a cloud of dust. At one second he was the perfect picture of courage under fire, boldly squatting their ignoring all the bullets as if they were no more than a light drizzle of rain. The next moment he was no longer a person but debris, nothing but dust. His body carelessly thrown about in pieces, a splash of boiling blood and unrecognizable chunks of what was left of him. I hugged the earth even closer, as if it was the only thing between me and the looming death around me. As I lied there I checked my carbine again, I inspected everything trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with it. I checked the chamber, nothing, no bullets were even in the damn thing! "You idiot." I cursed myself. Excuses came flying at me, piercing away at every possibility just like the bullets that screeched around me. I must've picked up someone else’s carbine while I was running, I must've accidentally fired my last round during all of the commotion, I must've been given an empty magazine. I must've been an idiot to forget to load my goddamn gun with a full magazine! What would I tell my family now? What would I tell them? I had to run, run away from it all. Run away from the guilt, the bullets, the screeching shrapnel, the corpses, the countless unrecognizable corpses. I fumbled through my coat retrieving another round of ammo. I loaded it into the carbine, no more excuses now. This gun is loaded, I was sure of it. It was time to take a risk, within the next few seconds I could be dead, or I could be home free. Of the two being dead seemed a lot more comforting. I was going to run, I was going to run away. Screw honor, forget about bravery or responsibility, none of it mattered to me. Nothing was going to convince me to be blown to bits by mortar fire, not like Lt. Yani did. I left the safety of the earth, and out into the uncertain wide open. Mortar shells still dropping, each time stealing the air from my lungs, each time showering me in their dusty downpours. I ran for what seemed like hours, I ran until the explosions became nothing more than distant grumbling. Across barren ditches, through wide-open roads, passed discarded and forgotten mutilated bodies. I came to another bend in the road. God knew what the was on the other side, I could be dead in the next few seconds, the thought never left my head. I hugged the earth again, for a while I put my face to its cold touch and tried to imagine myself away from this miserable place. But there was no way out, except by dying. I had to go forward, but I was in no hurry. I crawled closer to the bend in the road, taking my time, like a snake sneaking up on its prey. I wasn't the hunter though, I was the hunted. Death was everywhere, looking for me, my time was up, my luck was up, I was living on borrowed time. I made it to the curve in the road, and quietly brought my carbine up in front of me. I checked it again, making sure there was a bullet in the chamber, and checking again to make sure I was sure. When all was ready I threw the die on the table, gambling with death was no fun at all. I let the barrel of my gun go first, I let the carbine do the peeking, when that hadn't been shot to pieces I sneaked one eye around the dirt barrier before me.
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