My Artificial Heart (9) "TRISSA!" I shouted in dismay, I was desperate to take control of the situation. "Don't you walk away from me! Oh, God! Don't you walk away from me again!" She kept walking, I was hoping she would stop and feel sorry for me and listen. But nothing seemed to be going right. "Get away from me, asshole! I swear if you come closer I'm going to scream." She voiced over her shoulder, her pace quickened. She wanted to get away from me, she was actually afraid of me. Not disgusted, or annoyed, or pissed off, afraid. Never before in my life had I acted out in violence. Even when Tray Kalwith had kicked my ass I lacked the guts to fight back. But that was in an even fight. Now I was pissed off to the point where murder seemed a viable option, I had the sudden urge to just knock her across her pretty little head while her back was turned. I felt like putting my hands around her cute little neck and squeezing the life out of her. I needed to feel revenge, I needed to feel powerful, I needed to feel in control for once in my miserable life! I am such a fucking coward. I was in total submission when Tray was kicking my ass, but now I was about to attack an "innocent" and "defenseless" woman while her back was turned. But I was so tired of being wrong, tired of being defeated, tired of losing all the time. I wanted just for once in my life to be the one who was better, to be the one who wins, to be the one who wasn't wrong, to be the good guy! My love, Trissa, wouldn't let me be the good guy! She would be the first to feel my rage. I bolted after her, I was going to stop her even if I had to kill her! She looked back and saw that I was really intent on stopping her. And for the first time I saw her glittery green eyes widen with fear. All I thought in my mind was that I had to stop her from walking away, and I did just that. I grabbed her shoulder roughly, adrenaline pumped through my body as I turned her completely around, forcing her to look at me. I saw a look of sheer terror in her eyes. Then she started screaming. I shut my eyes in pain. Damn, she screamed loud. I hated to see her frightened, every second of it hurt me more than it hurt her. She took a punch at me, her small jewelry adorned fists slamming me right across the jaw, but she could've shot me for all I cared. Pain was nothing to me. She tried to make a run for it but I grabbed her shoulder again roughly and with all I could, tearing off the spaghetti strap of her blouse. She rammed her foot right into my stomach. I grunted out in frustration as I fell to my knees, I scolded my body for not taking the blow, but I swore I felt nothing. "Help! Rape! Rape!! Someone, help!! He's trying to rape me!!" her yell betrayed me. All that I had done for her, everything that I had sacrificed for her went down the drain with that single word. Rape? The thought had never even crossed my mind. I would never do such a thing! Had anything I did for her matter? Why was she throwing everything I did for her aside? I lunged at her again. Using my fist like a club I whacked her across the back of the head. I felt my fist crack across her small skull. Blasphemy, the word seemed to ring out with the strange thud of my fists swatting her small precious little head. I was hurting the one being I worshiped. This was so fucking wrong, what was I doing? But she had rejected me one too many times. Even as I stood there I was already making excuses to justify my actions. She was asking for it, she never thanked me for giving her money to buy lunch, she got me beaten up by Mitch, she was the one who was wrong! If I had to turn the 10 commandments upside down to justify what I was doing then that's what I'd do. She staggered from the blow to the head. I backed off momentarily. I had really hurt her now. She fell to the ground crying in pain. Her tears momentarily suppressed my rage. Like holy water they seemed to cast out the demons from inside me and help me realize my sins, to help me recognize what a stupid thing I was doing. I kneeled down beside her and held my arms around her small frame. Never had I held Trissa so close to me, for the first time ever I could feel her warm body heat resonating from her to me. I tried my best to comfort her, running my hands through her hair and whispering apologies after apologies. "I'm sorry, my love." I whispered. "Please forgive me Trissa, I'm not right. I'm not right." There was a sudden sharp scream and Trissa bit deep into my hand. I could see the blood gushing out, but I could not feel the pain that was supposed to come along with it. She bolted off the ground and ran for her life. I chased after her, "Come back here! Trissa, come back!" I ran faster then I ever knew I could, over dropped trashcans, and passed street lamps. "Aargh! You fucking bitch!" I could hear my heavy breathing resounding around me, seeming to echo through the skies. I turned around the corner, unfortunately a rather well lit, crowded, corner. I stood in the middle of a Starbucks cafe, a ton of people had their eyes on me, including that of a uniformed policeman, holding the distraught Trissa. "Oh shit..." I stood there, feeling incredibly stupid and ashamed. Trissa turned around and pointed her small elegant finger at me. "Him!" she screeched. "He tried to rape me! Please, get him away from me!" I quickly found myself being pointed at by a very big gun. At the time I didn't plan on actually "raping" her, but maybe that's just what I wanted myself to think. "Hands behind your head, NOW! You sick son of a bitch!!" the barrel of the gun told me I should do what it's master said. The policeman looked young and inexperienced, his gun shook nervously and I could tell he was trigger-happy. I couldn't blame him, I looked like a madman. I was overwhelmed with complete sense of shame for what I did to Trissa. I knew I had done something wrong, very evil and cowardly. Suddenly the last of my hopes, my dreams and fantasies of marrying Trissa and living a full and happy life burned up and died. The idiotically stupid dream of kissing Trissa before the firework filled sky burned up finally, not even leaving ashes for me to remember it by. My life was ending faster then I could take in. "Hands behind your head! NOW! You damn shithead!" He cocked the gun and prepared to fire. The clicking sound of the hammer being pulled beckoned me to comply. "That's your last warning. Hands behind your head now!" He stared at me hoping that I would listen to reason, that I would do as he said. But I was too disappointed to listen to anyone. I looked into the tear-filled eyes of the beautiful Trissa. I was now an outlaw to society, no longer a citizen but a filthy criminal. I couldn't live with that title. I couldn't live with what I did to Trissa. Life lost its value, life lost its purpose. Would I did was suicidal, but now that I think of it what I did was plain out stupid. I pulled out my switchblade and lunged at the policeman. I closed my eyes and invited Death to take me away. A booming thud of screaming pain ripped through the air, my body flung back as if a horse had just gone up and kicked me square in the chest. My body shivered in a shock wave of unforgiving pain, I had become one big house of tormented suffering. I stood their stunned, trying to figure out what the hell was happening to me. Only sheer will power kept me standing with my eyes still intent on Trissa. The wind had been knocked out of me, I couldn't breathe at all. I could suddenly feel my clothes become wet, but it was not water, it was blood. More blood gushed out of me than I had ever seen in my entire life. So much blood I was afraid I'd flood all of Rew City in it. Trissa screamed as the shot was fired, covering her ears from the loud recoil of the gun. As she looked back at me her eyes went wide in horror. She glared with pity, as she witnessed my destruction. The switchblade dropped from my hands, with a quiet clinking sound it hit the ground. I fell to my knees, and discovered a huge bullet hole dead center in my chest. The bullet had gone in deep, the wide gash of death was the size of baseball. This was no clean cut little bullet hole like in the movies, I could clearly see bits and pieces of my own flesh just fall away, leaving trails of blood in their wake. Blood poured out like spilt milk, I watched in terror as for the first time in my life I could see my own mutilated heart staring right back at me. The poor thing was marred beyond recognition, and despite a large portion of it was gone it still pumped away, its will to continue its duty to the last second startled me. It begged me to answer why I had done this to it. Why I had decided to murder it when it had worked so hard and faithfully. I couldn't answer my own heart, I couldn't answer it. I viewed the destruction a single bullet could do and finally realized that I was going to die, and die very soon. With my last seconds of my pitiful life going by I tried to get one last look at Trissa, but the strength in my body left me and I fell limp on the floor. My face was against the cold gray concrete watching in terror as it slowly turned red, a stream of blood continuously flowing from my body. As if someone had spilled a soda of blood on the floor, the icy concrete turned warm as my own blood came oozing to my face. So this was how dying was like? Right about then I thought things would start turning black, I was at the point where I knew death was inevitable. I had accepted my fate, I was now waiting on Death. How I wished it would hurry up. Every second that went by was a whole new fit of throbbing pain that just wouldn't end. I wanted Death to take me home, wherever home was... But Death never came for me. Only an overwhelming, unrelenting, unmerciful pain kept me company in my last hours. I could see, feel and hear nothing but pain. I slipped in and out of consciousness after that, each time hoping that this next wave of darkness would be the one that would finish me off and take me away for good, but none of them ever did and I only woke up to more pain. I passed through bright lights, with white rooms filled with what I assumed to be doctors and nurses. Lights glowed down on me, but what remained unchanged was the constant pain. I saw a woman with a syringe in her hand, I looked into her face and saw Trissa staring right back at me. I was probably hallucinating, or somethin'. Trissa caressed my face with a plastic white-gloved hand. It might have been a hallucination, but to have Trissa actually touch my face like that I didn't care whether it was real or not. "I love you, Dreeve." She said, a wind blew her soft hair across her face. I was sure I was hallucinating now, but I felt like an angel of mercy was comforting me. Her words made me smile, it had been what I had always wanted to hear her say. "Trissa." I tried to say but only coughed up blood. I struggled to speak, "I miss you. You're leaving, come back. Don't leave now, don't walk away from me." Trissa bent down and kissed me softly on the forehead, whispering into my ear she announced, "I'll be back soon. Please wait for Me." she wiped away the blood from my mouth, "Don't worry, I'll live again." with that she stuck the needle into my arm. The pain ceased, and I felt a strange euphoric calm. Trissa smiled at me and I smiled back. "Go to sleep now." "Good night, Trissa. Good night..." The darkness, late unfortunately for me.... finally came and cast it's cold shadow on me. The last thing I could remember seeing were the soothing image of Trissa, her soft lips singing me to sleep... sleeping, sleeping, open file a person, female maybe? red dress, red hear, is their a knife? unknown. Paranoid Android -(a familiar song)- You don't Remember! You don't Remember!! LOUD! ears! pain! WAKE UP!!! -gasp for air- staring, ceiling, breathing fast! PAIN!! stop, please stop! heart rate slowing, slowing, slowing, normal. I heard the red dressed, red haired, female say something... "I tried to find hope on top of the roof... but I couldn't find it." a dream? a nightmare? go back to sleep. sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. The right atrium of my heart had been completely disintegrated. The doctors, unfortunately, were able to save my sorry life. On one of their many guilt trips they said it was a miracle I lasted long enough to even make it to the hospital. No one thought I would make it, in fact no one cared if I did. Being a newly convicted rapist they took it upon themselves to use me as their Ginny pig. Using ice and other things they practically froze me. I had heard of a guy in Britain who was the first to ever have a completely artificial heart. I guess they decided to make me the first in America. The .45 caliber bullet had blown my real heart in half, rendering it useless. The doctors agreed that I would be the one to test out this new artificial heart. I guess the average person would be grateful for such a divine intervention. But I thought this new heart, this artificial heart would do nothing but prolong my suffering. I guess this was another example of technology interfering with the natural course of things. My trial went quickly, there were a ton of witnesses against me, and the prosecuting team was having a field day. Not a soul took pity on me, not even when my lawyer (that my wealthy parents got for me) presented that I could be clinically insane, or that the police officer who shot me used escessive force could waver anyone's judgment. Kids at school who I thought had no grudges with me spoke against me like I was a war criminal, including Mitch. The worst part of it was when I watched Trissa herself testify against me. Her eyes full of tears, her voice shaky and nervous. Every one of her words were stab wounds, each one taking away my life. And with all the sobbing women, angry classmates, yelling mothers, and overprotective fathers the jury made its decision. My crime was rape, I could've told them that I never did anything like that, which was true technically, but I decided to take the blame for everything. I believed that I deserved whatever I got, so did the jury. "Guilty." There was a loud uproar of cheers coming from the rows behind me, Trissa’s mom and all her friends taunting me at the worst time of my life. I was experiencing poetic justice first hand, and it was not very good at all. Because of my para suicidal behavior, and the fact that I required special medical attention due to my "heart" I would spend the next 8 years of my life in the State Psychiatric Prison. I guess I should've been grateful. It's pretty hard to become someone's bitch when the guy next to you is completely comatose. But the prison was complete hell. I went for what seemed like an eternity without seeing the face of my lost "love", my beautiful Trissa. Reason told me to forget about her, but when I had her name carved into my arm forgetting about her was like trying not to breathe. As if that weren't enough the prison never served chocolate. Some days I would sit in my cell and dream of munching on a Twix, or feasting on the sugary candy shell of a peanut butter M&M. I know that people would look at my case and think that 8 years was nothing, there lots of people who served more than that. But for me it was more than a punishment... it was torture. I had a lot of time to brood over my life. Sometimes I would go into a depressed fit as I thought of Trissa. Other times I would scream with rage at what she had done to me, and cry in regret at what I had done to her. The last I heard Trissa was going to star in one of those independent films, and that she was going to marry Tray. For them they had already rode off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. I on the other hand was the evil villain who was slain by the knight and shining armor and forgotten as the credits rolled. The years passed by, the days of staring at the walls came and went. Hours became days and days became years. My mind began to go numb from so many years in isolation, for the first time in my life I would actually pray to God to allow me to see a woman. How desperately I wanted to just see those wonderful creatures. My prayers weren't answered, instead someone else's was. One day a female psychiatrist came briefly to the prison to "evaluate" another inmate. I only got a couple seconds to see her walk by, I had to stand at the edge of my cell so that I could catch a glimpse of her. Her hair bounced from side to side as she walked, I never got to see her face but imagined her looking a lot like Trissa. It seemed even then I couldn't get her out of my mind. She spoke quietly, as if she didn't want anyone else or know she was there. Moments later the guard passed by, a pair of keys clanking in his hand. The heavy sound of a prison doors opened, I could here the familiar sounds of handcuffs accept this time they were being released instead of put on. The inmate next to my cell was led out, I was happy for him, envious, but happy still. Chapter 16: My artificial heart It had been 5 years in jail when I finally met her. It happened when I was staring at the wall for quite a while. I was resorting to one of my favorite past times of tracing Trissa’s image on the wall. Making sure to keep the fine detail of her eyes on the notched marked wall. But then I messed up, somehow I had traced her pretty eyes all-wrong. "Trissa, what have I done to you. Damn it." Suddenly I could hear my heartbeat, louder than ever before. It seemed to beat with a pattern, a rhythm, almost like a song. I had never really paid close attention to my mechanical heart. It was always just there, but now it had finally got my attention. I was so lonely at the moment, I was desperate to hear a female voice. And I guess that's when she decided to make her appearance. "Please give me a name, Dreeve." I jumped suddenly. The voice wasn't the harsh, uneven ranting of a schizophrenic man. It was a small voice, high-pitched, so clear and clean, just like a woman's, a little girl's even. It seemed to echo inside me. I stood up on my bunk, I glanced into the mirror only to see my sad image. "Can you... understand me?" The voice asked me. "Who said that? Where are you?" I looked outside my cell, but only saw the comatose Keddy Reynolds across the ways, drooling as usual. "Damn, I must really be insane. I'm hearing things!" "I'm here Dreeve, I'm right here inside you." I looked down at my chest, and shook my head. "What are you?" "I'm you're heart, the thing that was put inside you that day you were shot." The voice spoke carefully, as if she was considering each word. "My heart? My artificial heart, how are you talking to me now? Why are you talking to me now?" I put my hand on my chest, I could feel the steady mechanical tapping. "I know I've never spoken to you before, but I was trying to learn your language. I was trying to learn how to think and feel just like you. I've been watching and watching for so long now. But now I can understand you. And now I can talk and learn just like you. I want to keep you company so that neither of us will ever be lonely again. I want to talk to you and get to know you better. I'm inside you, I've always been, and now that we can communicate I would really like a name. I've always wanted one since the day I was created and put inside you. Just any name, please?" A warm feeling came from inside me, as if she were smiling full of anticipation. "A name? Um, well. I don't know, what would you want to be called?" "Anything! Just anything, I'm so tired of not having one. Please give me one." "Trissa." "Dreeve!" "What, you said any name didn't you?" "I don't like that name, besides Trissa is a mean person." "You know her?" "Of course I know her, I've been listening to your thoughts since the day I was put inside you. I've listened to everything and you sound like you're in a lot of trouble because of her. I've heard your thoughts about her, and she doesn't seem like a very nice person at all. She sounds like a very mean person to do this to you." "Trissa is not mean, she is the most kind and gentle thing in the world. I'm the one who is bad. Why wouldn't I be locked up in this place?" "I don't think you're bad Dreeve, you're a good person." "You think so?" "Of course you are." "You're not saying that just because you're my heart are you?" "Dreeve, as a heart I was made for the sole purpose of keeping you alive and well. I intend to fulfill both of those requirements to the best of my ability. The letters on me say Model M1-3:40, but that doesn't sound like a name. I know your name, I want one like that too. With letters instead of numbers and abbreviations." "I don't know of any other names to think about. Uh, how 'bout... Give me a sec." She waited anxiously, I could feel her beat become faster. A name? I had always practiced how I would name the first child Trissa and I would have, should've had together. But even then, I was going to name the girl Trissa.
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