Alif (14)
"You're just too easily led, Ana dear!" Smiled Ketaba indulgently, holding her glass in front of her face and looking through it at her companion. "Binta is obviously congenitally unbalanced. Perhaps she inherited her homosexuality. Perhaps she had some unfortunate experiences when she was a child. I suppose we ought to be sympathetic to her plight, and hope that there may be some way in which she can be cured. What do you think?" "There's nothing wrong with Binta at all! I don't think there's anything wrong with homosexuality! I don't see why people can't be in love with whoever they like without being told they shouldn't. I think love is an important and special thing. It should be treasured and valued, not condemned. The one who is wrong is the government who makes it illegal. It's not fair on people like Binta. It's not fair on me!" Ketaba saw that the turn of conversation had become a little heated. She put her arm across the table and patted Ana on the back of her hand. "I didn't mean to upset you. I can see you're very much in love. Even if it is to a dyke like Binta!" After the meal was finished, Ketaba cleared away the dishes and was very insistent that Ana shouldn't even contemplate washing them. "They can wait till tomorrow," she smiled. "Anyway, guests don't do the washing up!" Ana and Ketaba returned to the sofas with the half full bottle of wine placed on the coffee table and a change of music. Ana was still not sure whether she liked the taste of wine, but she didn't object when Ketaba carefully refilled their glasses. "Shall we see your photographs of Agdal?" She asked. "Photographs? Agdal?" Wondered Ketaba, who had clearly forgotten the ostensible purpose of Ana's visit. "Oh yes! My holiday snaps!" She took a long sip and wandered over to an antique beech valise. She opened a drawer and pulled out a handful of ornate photograph albums. She carried them over to the coffee table and plonked them down. She sat on the sofa next to Ana, her naked skin brushing against Ana's bare arms. Ana felt too lazy to move very much out of the way. Ketaba selected an album and opened it. The photographs mostly featured Ketaba, taken by acquaintances she had made in Agdal. Generally, she was as naked as she was habitually at the Brothel and manifestly in her own home: though in some photographs she wore a tee-shirt or bikini. Ana was surprised her how very ordinary clothes made Ketaba look. Many other people were also naked, but even among her acquaintances they were not in the majority. There were photographs of Ketaba preparing to go on a hike wearing only heavy walking boots, a bright blue rucksack and a cloth hat to shade her eyes from the bright sun. The landscape behind Ketaba and her friends was undeniably beautiful. Long stretches of white sand, blue sky and the odd coconut palm tree. Hills and even craggy mountains stretching above and beyond, again framed by a deep blue sky. There were pictures of Agdal's shops, historical buildings, ancient ruins, great temples and large market squares. Ana's heart leapt as she looked at the pictures. She so wanted to be there! It was such a beautiful country. And one so enlightened! It was the perfect holiday destination. She so envied Ketaba for having been there. Ketaba provided a commentary as Ana regarded the pictures, touched by the intensity with which Ana scrutinised each picture, lingering over some for several minutes. She gave accounts of the exercises she'd done in the gymnasia she photographed, the swims she'd taken in the blue expanse of sea (Ana had never seen a real sea herself) and the exact number of kilometres she and her friends had walked over the hills and the altitude to which they'd attained. "So high!" Gasped Ana. There were no hills of any great height in Rif. Most of it was flat open farmland interspersed with the odd copse and lake. She was also fascinated by Ketaba's account of Agdal nightlife. Ana hadn't really participated in any in Blad - Binta was scarcely in a position that she could accompany Ana to a night club or a restaurant, but even from her position of relative ignorance she knew that it offered none of the scope and variety of Agdal. Some, like the sex clubs and the casinos, she found sordid and unattractive, but the sheer range and liveliness of the night clubs and 'bars', as Ketaba called them, was attractive. Perhaps, she thought, relishing the strange taste of wine in her mouth, the availability of alcohol had something to do with it. Ana didn't really enjoy Ketaba's tendency to identify and describe the companions she had photographed almost entirely in terms of their sexual activity. "Those two were sleeping together one night, but on another night she was with this chap here and he was with this girl," she might say pointing at a group of smiling people with rucksacks underneath a sign celebrating some great historical battle. "Those two men seemed all right at first, but I was absolutely disgusted when I saw them kissing each other. It was just like men and women - tongues and everything - but two men! Can you imagine?" The thought disgusted Ana as well, but it also gave her a frisson to recognise that homosexuality wasn't just a term to describe women who made love with other women. She was beginning to comprehend the capacity of love to embrace so many different preferences. However, her disgust was actually felt greater when Ketaba described in what she thought was rather too much detail which boys had made love to her and exactly what this had entailed. She pointed at them, indicating their genitals or other features (her lovers were all naturists like herself), and described what they had done together, where they had done it, how long it had lasted and how she rated the performance. "He was really not very good at all!" She said about one man with quite long hair and a slightly caved in stomach. "Looking at his penis, you'd think he'd be a real joy. It's nearly twice average size. But could he keep it going for more than three minutes? I found myself thinking about dinner rather than sex." Ketaba leaned over to the bottle and poured the last few drops into her glass. She swallowed it with a bold gesture and smiled rather foolishly. Ana was belatedly aware that although she had drunk perhaps nearly two full glasses of wine over the evening so far, Ketaba had consumed all the rest of it. Perhaps she was 'drunk', although Ana's own senses were a little too befuddled to make an objective evaluation. She also noticed belatedly that her naked friend was now talking rather sadly about what she perceived as the failure of her love life. "Making love to men is easy, but loving them isn't! It never seems to work out right for me, however hard I try. My lovers can't complain about the quality of my lovemaking. Perhaps it's because I'm a prostitute. Perhaps they can't understand my interests. I just don't know what it is! What do you think, Ana?" She looked directly into Ana's eyes steadying herself with a hand on Ana's hand. "What do you think?" "I just don't know," Ana replied. "I'm not a man. I can't say what it is that makes a man love a woman." "But you know what it is that makes a woman love a woman. You love Binta. You seem to love her in a way that nobody's ever loved me! Really loved me, I mean. Real, genuine, unconditional love! Have you really got no idea why I'm such a ... such a failure?" Ana blushed. She really hadn't expected to serve the rôle of confessor for Ketaba. "I've got no idea at all!" "Well, do you think I'm attractive? Physically attractive that is?" "Yes, of course!" Ana answered automatically. What a question to ask? Ketaba had an Alpha rating. What more objective rating for beauty could there be? "So do you ... well ... do you fancy me?" Ana opened her eyes wide, and snapped her hand out of Ketaba's. "What are you asking?" She asked abruptly. Ketaba looked clearly upset. She ran her fingers through her long tresses of hair and tangled one around and around her hand. She pointed at a naked young woman in one photograph sitting on a beach towel next to Ketaba with an expanse of sand and blue sea stretching out behind them. Both of them were wearing sunglasses and grinning at the camera. The woman was slim and short with black hair tied up in a tight bun by a large white bow. Like Ketaba she had no evidence of ever covering enough skin for any portion to become any paler than any other part of her. "That's Rhumana. She fancied me! Or that's what she said. We were friends throughout the holiday. We met on the first day and I found that wherever I went she was the best company to be with. She was such good fun. She made me laugh, and she laughed at the things I said. Not like Binta. Or Zabba. She didn't make fun of me. She was always very sympathetic. She was from Agdal herself, and was on holiday in her own country. I so enjoyed her company. More than the boys I slept with: who were so boring when we weren't making love together. And some of them were pretty boring then as well! When you're not being paid to be understanding in your lovemaking, you tend to be more impatient you know! I didn't know she was homosexual. It never really crossed my mind. But then near the end of the holiday she told me she fancied me." Ketaba's hand wandered over to hold Ana's again, and Ana let her do so respecting her friend's expression of distress. Ketaba's eyes were luminescent with tears that threatened to overspill her lower lids. "We'd drunk some wine. She was much better at drinking than me. She'd much more experience coming from a country where it's legal. We were laughing and chatting, and then I felt her holding me close and then she squeezed me against her. I didn't think much of it. In group sessions, we often hug each other and get close to each other. Then she kissed me on the face and told me she fancied me. She told me that she wanted to go to bed with me. She told me she wanted to sleep with me and make love to me...." "And did you?" Ketaba shook her head sadly. "No, I didn't! I was horrified. I told her I didn't ever want to see her again! I told her that I hated dykes and I thought they were thoroughly perverted and disgusting. I told her that in Alif homosexuality was illegal, and if there was one difference between Alif and Agdal where Alif had the moral upper ground it was regarding Alif's laws on homosexuality. And then I left her. And I never saw her again. And now ... and now ... I feel so bad!" "Why's that?" "I don't know! I did like Rhumana so much. We got on so very well. I did enjoy her company so much. I don't know if I've ever enjoyed anyone's company as much as hers. And now I'll never see her again. And sometimes I think ... you know ... sometimes, I think ..." "What do you think?" "I ... er ... I think ... Goodness! Is that the time?" Ketaba looked at her clock which indicated it was after half past twelve in the morning. "Time has passed! I suppose that means the last bus has left for your place?" "Yes, it has," admitted Ana who had been so disorientated by the wine, she'd simply not noticed the hours pass by. "I'll have to catch a taxi." "They're very expensive at this time of night. Stay in the guest room. I'll show you where it is!" Ketaba led Ana to one of the rooms which was twice the size of the bedroom in her own flat containing a firm mattress on an enormous double bed. "What do you think?" "It's very nice," agreed Ana. She didn't go to bed immediately. She and Ketaba continued to look at photographs for an hour or more longer with a few glasses of mineral water and some carob coated sweets. Ketaba made more references to Rhumana, but she did not elaborate, and restrained herself from touching Ana's hand for which she was grateful. Ana got more tired and had to announce that it was really time to go to bed. "Of course, Ana," said Ketaba standing on her feet and wobbling uncertainly. Ana stood up as well and felt slightly giddy too, but she attributed it to sitting down for so long. She felt a rush to her head and felt the room stir. She pressed a hand against her forehead in the hope it would somehow contain her inappropriate sensation of vertigo. She felt Ketaba's hands around her shoulders to steady her. "Thank you," she said in gratitude opening her eyes and staring directly into Ketaba's slightly foolish smile face, a tress of long hair falling loosely down over her nose and mouth. Ketaba held onto Ana and shook back her hair. "Oh Ana!" She said in a strangely weak and slightly strangled voice. Suddenly Ketaba's lips were pressed against her own and Ketaba's muscular and wine-tasting mouth was inside hers. Ana was at first rather startled, and reciprocated rather automatically as she would if Binta were to kiss her, but just before her tongue wandered beyond Ketaba's teeth, she pushed herself off. Ketaba wasn't Binta! What would Binta think? What was Ketaba thinking of! Didn't she despise lesbianism? "Don't!" Ana told Ketaba. Ketaba let go of Ana's shoulders. "I thought ..." "Just because Binta and I are in love doesn't mean ..." "I don't know what came over me!" Ketaba said in humbled tones. "I'm really sorry! I'm really sorry! It must be the alcohol. That must be what it is! I'm just not used to it. I knew it was bad for you. I should have heeded my own advice. Never again! I'll never touch it ever again! I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have. Ever!" 14 "Breakfast!" Greeted Ketaba cheerfully, announcing her presence in the bedroom where Ana was sleeping. Ana cautiously opened her eyes and looked at her naked friend towering above carrying a tray adorned with fruit juice, muesli and toast. "I thought you might appreciate some breakfast, Ana!" Ana smiled shyly. Nobody had ever brought her breakfast in bed before, so she gratefully sat up and put the tray on her lap. She picked up the glass of fruit juice which tasted slightly sour to her sleep-encrusted taste buds, but appreciated the way it brought gradual clarity to her thoughts. She looked up at Ketaba who was hovering nervously over her and smelling quite distinctly of the freshness of soap and shampoo. She had her long hair tied back in a white towel. "Thanks very much," Ana said, putting down the fruit juice and picking up the spoon to tackle the muesli. "I had a very refreshing night's sleep." "And you don't feel at all sick or unwell after the wine?" Ana frowned, thinking back to the night before. Wasn't she supposed to experience something called a 'hangover' after drinking? She didn't feel at all bad, although she remembered a slight giddiness when she'd first gone to bed. "No, I feel all right." "I felt slightly ill when I woke up," sighed Ketaba. "I didn't sleep at all well. I was tossing and turning all night. I suppose it serves me right..." "Oh yes!" Commented Ana, remembering more about the previous night. She caught a glance at Ketaba's eyes which looked slyly at Ana's chest. She glanced down idly and noticed for the first time that her breasts were on full display. She had become so accustomed to sleeping naked next to Binta, she at first thought nothing of it. Then she recalled Ketaba's late night kiss, and with embarrassment hoisted up the cotton sheet to cover her chest. Ketaba sighed, in recognition of Ana's discomfort. "I'm sorry about last night," she remarked sadly. "I'm very very sorry! I don't know what came over me! I've never behaved like that before with a woman. It must have been the wine. I must have drunk far more than I should." Ana smiled reassuringly, but still rearranged herself so she could eat with no risk of the sheet falling down to her lap. "Don't worry, Ketaba. It must have been the wine. It's supposed to make people behave very strangely. You probably just weren't aware of what you were doing." Ana wasn't convinced however that Ketaba's behaviour wasn't symptomatic of deeper repressed feelings. She'd once been told that the really bad thing about alcohol was that it released people's inhibitions and let them behave in ways that were more honest but also more socially unacceptable. "I'm not a lesbian, you know. I don't 'fancy' women at all. It was just me getting upset after all that alcohol," Ketaba continued, sitting nervously on the side of the bed. "But don't tell anyone about it, will you? Not even Binta or Zabba. I don't want them to think I'm a dyke like them. I don't want them to try seducing me. And I don't want people to think I'd ever behave illegally." "I won't tell anyone," Ana said. She felt slightly offended at the suggestion that her lover would attempt to seduce Ketaba just because she might think she was a lesbian too. Binta was surely not the sort who would automatically attempt seducing people just because they were available to her. She also realised that keeping news of the incident secret from Binta wasn't going to be that easy. Questions would be bound to be asked about her night at Ketaba's flat, and Binta might even suspect that her colleague had designs on her lover. She had after all been quite peculiarly unforthcoming about why she was so unenthusiastic about Ana's visit. "I'd be so grateful if you don't, Ana. I'd be so very embarrassed if anyone knew. I'd feel humiliated. What would people think? I couldn't live for shame!" "It was nothing, Ketaba. Nothing at all. Don't mention it, and I'll probably just forget it altogether anyway." Ketaba smiled with an expression of relief. "Yes, you're right. It was nothing! After all, we didn't actually do anything, did we? There was no lovemaking or anything, was there? I'm probably just worrying about nothing at all! It's all in my mind, isn't it? Well, we won't say anything more about it!" Ana finished her breakfast and waited until Ketaba had left the room with the empty tray before she ventured out of bed and into her clothes. She declined Ketaba's offer of a shower before venturing out and sat in the living room while Ketaba put some clothes on. Ketaba's choice of a track suit and trainers suggested more a woman who enjoyed sports than one who worked in a brothel.
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