Alif (25) "Wait!" Cried Ferhana. "Wait for me!" Ana turned her head round and glared at Ferhana with an expression of pure hatred that alarmed her. She had never believed the secretary was capable of such unadulterated loathing. Where had it come from? She hesitated a moment, but then thought better of her own feelings of insecurity and chased after Ana, taking off her impossibly uncomfortable shoes to catch up with her. She grabbed Ana by the arm. "What is wrong? What is troubled you?" She asked. "Take. Your Hand. Off. Me!" Said Ana with a flash of unfeigned anger. Ferhana withdrew her hand as if it had just been burnt on a hotplate. "Why are you so angry with me? I did not want to have ... It was not what I have wanted ... The Director, he ..." "Leave me alone!" Snapped Ana. "I don't want to talk to you. And I never want to talk to you!" "What have I done? It was not what I wanted ... I had no choice ... Please believe me!" Ana paused in the corridor by a door with a red light shining above it, ignoring the masculine panting emanating from within. "It's not just what you did just now! Although that was bad enough!" "What is it? Tell me, what I have done? Why are you so angry with me?" Ferhana was genuinely upset by Ana's outburst. "And why have you changed so very much? Why do you dress like a prostitute? Why do you not see Binta anymore? What is wrong?" "You should know!" Exclaimed Ana angrily. "Why should I know?" Asked Ferhana, genuinely perplexed. "Don't pretend you don't know! I know about you and Binta. I know how the both of you deceived me. I know all about it." "About what?" Ferhana asked, gradually realising what it was that might be upsetting her. She and Binta had been so careful. They didn't want to hurt Ana. It was the last thing they wanted to do. "I was shown a video of you and Binta. On the bed. I know what you did together. I've seen it! I was shown it by Khedra." "Video? What video?" "The video tape of you and Binta together. Making love. Filmed through the mirror in Binta's bedroom." "The mirror? You are saying they tape what we do through the mirror?" "Everything! And I've seen the videotape. I know how you and Binta have deceived me. Lied to me. Made a fool of me." Ana glared straight into Ferhana's eyes as she at last vocalised what Ferhana had suspected: "I hate you! I hate you and Binta! I hate you!" Ferhana let her shoes drop to the floor with a clunk. She bowed her head down and cupped her face in her long black fingers, the red-tipped nails tangling in her short curly hair. "The mirror! Through the mirror! They filmed us! They would not ... go so low! And you have seen us! Is that why...? Is that the reason for you to ...?" As she raised her head, Ana saw tears on Ferhana's face, although she wasn't sure whether they were from remorse or from being found out. "I must explain to you. It is not what you think. I am not Binta's lover. She is my friend. My best friend at the Brothel. My closest friend. Perhaps my only true friend. But she is not my lover. She is your lover. It is you she loves..." "Don't lie! What were you doing together if it isn't what lovers do?" "I must explain. I must tell you. She loves you. Not me. I would be happy if it was me she loves. But it is you! You must believe..." At that moment, the door opened behind them and a short balding man in jeans and tee-shirt emerged with the prostitute he had been seeing. Ana took the opportunity to walk off again, with a long stride that she hoped would shake Ferhana off, but the black girl showed no signs of allowing that to happen. She picked up her shoes and rushed after Ana on her stockinged feet. "We must talk!" She urged. "We must! It is all a horrible ... It is something you do not understand too well. You must listen to me. Is it really because of what Binta and me have done that you ...?" "Yes!" Said Ana, not wholly truthfully, but in the malicious hope of branding Ferhana with the shame of her actions. "But that is not right! Please, we must talk. Somewhere. Anywhere." They were passing by the viewing gallery of the gymnasium, so Ana with unpremeditated cooperation pushed open its door. Inside there was the steady rhythm of a squash ball ricocheting against a wall. "We'll talk here, shall we?" Ferhana nodded as they entered, and they sat together in the seats above an empty squash court. She lay her shoes on the seat beside her, and gazed directly into Ana's eyes. "You must listen to me." "Well, then!" Said Ana, folding her bare arms and facing Ferhana defiantly. "Explain!" Ferhana was abashed by this command, but smiled sadly. "It is you that Binta loves. She loves you so much. And she is so very ... sad. She is unhappy. She cry all the time. She talks about you. Why do you not talk to her anymore? Why do you not see her anymore? She eats so little now. All she wants is to be with you again. It's not me she wants..." "But she still makes love to you?" "No. No. Not anymore. And not often did we ... It was my fault. I was so lonely. I am so lonely. I hate it here. I hate it nearly as well as Binta hates it. Because I am black and the only black person here, I am treated very bad by the ... They treat me like I am a monkey. Or an animal. And so many want to see me. More than most girls because I am ... because all the other girls are not ... And I am so unhappy. I only have God to help me. But God is not always with me. And sometimes I want other ... I want so bad ... And Binta. She is so beautiful. She is so kind. We talk together. And I have always liked ... just like you and Binta and Zabba ... It is women that ... And Binta is also my best friend here ... and ..." "Binta was my lover!" Ana angrily exclaimed. "She was my first and only lover. And then you came and you took her away from me. You made love to her!" Ferhana gazed into Ana's eyes, a tear running down the side of her cheek, agitatedly wringing her hands together. She disentangled one to stretch towards Ana's own hands resting on her lap, but thought better of touching her as Ana glared antipathetically at her. "You must understand, Ana, that Binta and I, we work in a Brothel. Every day we have to make love with men. Horrible men. Ugly men. Disgusting men. Perhaps you know now yourself...?" Ana nodded. In the last few months she had learnt all too well what men were like, at least those who were clients in the Brothel, and she knew how repulsive most of them were. Any notion she might once have had of them in a more positive light, or even seriously entertaining the notion of romantic love with one, was now impossible to conceive. "It is not normal. It is ... weird! It is not natural. It seems only right that ... When you have sex all day and you feel unhappy, it seems natural to ... Making love is not to Binta and I what it was like before... And sometimes it just seems right to comfort ourselves, not with words, not with a joke or a ... It just seems so ... It just happens and we may not like ourselves for it ... But it's not ..." Ferhana bravely reached out a hand to Ana, tears dripping from her chin, and gazed at her with such sorrow that Ana reluctantly accepted her touch, but without warmth. "Please, Ana. You must understand. You must believe. Binta loves you. She does not love me. I love Binta, but not like you love Binta. We did what we did, not because Binta loved me, but because ..." She squeezed Ana's hand firmly. "Because I wanted to. Because I want love in my life. Because Binta is the only person who ... the only person at all who ... I could love! And I'm sorry! Sorry! I didn't wish to harm you. Or hurt you. Or Binta. Or ..." She removed her hand from Ana's and buried her face in her hands, tears seeping between her fingers, releasing short uncontrollable sobs and whines. Ana looked at the girl she thought she hated, and recognised that she really didn't hate her at all. The hatred she felt was really against the Brothel, the Director, President Marmeluke, the Republic of Alif, and everything else which had perverted and destroyed her love for Binta, and now systematically humiliated her in her rôle as part-time prostitute. What she wanted more than anything was for her current nightmare to end. Ferhana raised her head and gazed at Ana, rubbing some of the tears onto the back of her hand. "And you, Ana! You've changed so much! Was it really because of me? Was it really because of my ... Because of Binta and ..." "They blackmailed me!" Said Ana with a firmness that surprised her. It seemed quite a relief to talk to someone sympathetic after all these months. Nobody else in that time could be relied to listen to her with any understanding or concern, although Bezaffa had been kind and relatively indulgent. She reflected with regret on the times she'd allowed the woman to repeat her seduction of her, - a respite from the joyless sex she'd become more accustomed to, but one forever tainted. It wasn't totally true, she had to admit, that she had no understanding of how Binta and Ferhana should have done much the same together. Shared misery is better than solitary despair. "They told me that I was to either do what they said or I could be a prostitute like you and Binta. I had no choice. None at all. They had filmed Binta and me together. They had known all along anyway..." "And they know about me!" Wailed Ferhana. "I am hoping that they never ... They couldn't ... Could they?" "They sent me on a two week training course," Ana continued, staring ahead of her at the bare unfriendly squash court wall. "It was horrible. But I hoped it would never end. Because I knew what would happen afterwards. Khedra was a tutor on the course. But she wasn't the only one. And some of the tutors were men. They showed us videos, they gave us seminars, they made it all sound really very normal. Almost respectable. I was the only Beta on the course. All the other girls were Gammas or Deltas. Except one girl who was an Epsilon. She hated the course as much as I did, but she hated herself even more. In the second week, the course became more practical. We had to ... We were made to do ... And all watched and assessed and ..." "I know," said Ferhana sadly. "I have done the ... attended the course too. Binta has. Everyone has. Some girls seem to like it. They look like they enjoy it. I didn't, but I pretended to. They call it 'making love', but there is no love at all!" "When the course finished, I was made to dress differently. I was taught how to apply makeup, how to walk in these horrid shoes, how to, as they called it, 'look sexy'. 'Inviting'. It was a week or more afterwards before I had my first client. My first ever. He was rich. I know that. The price of it was very very high. The Director told me that, but I've seen the accounts and I know exactly how much it cost. And he gave me a lot more money as well. It felt so dirty when I took it from him, although the notes were very crisp and new. It had hurt so much. There was blood everywhere. He sniffed at it. He licked it. He seemed to enjoy it. I felt like he had just murdered me, but that I had somehow survived..." "Was it your first time ever with a man?" Asked Ferhana with some horror. "Just as it had been for Binta. You had never...?" "Never! And, I thought, never again. But, unfortunately, it was not at all long until the next client. It didn't hurt so much then. I was sore. But it was a different pain. And then more clients and I gradually remembered more of my training and I did what they said to finish the ordeal sooner. And then the Director ..." "The Pimple has a go at everyone," Ferhana remarked. "Not Binta. Not Ketaba. But everyone else. He had me ... he has had me many ... He says he likes 'niggers'. He is liking that I am different and he says that variety is the ... is the ... I can't remember." Ana wasn't to be distracted in her flow. "The Director said that he wanted me. And because I was his secretary, he could have me whenever he liked. Every day he had me, even when there were clients to see. He is so cruel. He's done to me such things ... things that should never be done ... things that are illegal. He likes it when I fall on the floor crying and weeping. He laughs at me. He always pays, though. He stands over me, as I lie crying on the floor, humiliated, abused, damaged, dropping notes onto my body. He likes me to suffer. It is what he likes most: to make people suffer. He enjoys it." Ana looked into Ferhana's eyes with intensity and bewilderment. "How can anyone, ever, enjoy doing what they know will most upset someone else? What is it that makes some men so cruel? Is it because they are men? What possible pleasure can there be in making others suffer?" Ferhana scrunched up her face, pulled her nose between her fingers and sighed. "I don't know. Some people do. Not just men. It's just there. Something that I do not understand. Perhaps it is because it is making a man feel more powerful and stronger. Many clients who see me, they treat me badly. They like it when I complain. The more I say no, the more they say yes. They like it when I am hurting." "Physical pain is one thing. It hurts, but it goes. What the Director likes is fear, disgust, revulsion. He asked you to see me because he knows that it would upset me. He knows that one reason why I was so hurt and upset when they ... He knows that the very thought of making love to the one who has deceived my love with Binta, sullied that small part of her which I thought was pure and undividedly mine, would cause me hurt. He just wants to humiliate me. He only cares for me in the sense of wanting to find ways of hurting me further. He's not content with blackmailing me into a life of prostitution, he wants to pull me apart altogether!" Ana paused. She stared ahead of her at the squash court wall and felt once again the familiar lachrymal welling she'd become so accustomed to. Almost every night, when she returned home, her crotch bruised, another vestige of pride damaged, another humiliation to reflect on, the tears would burst through, providing her with the only comfort that she could be sure wasn't tainted by malice or perverse intent. She sobbed deeply, and her face cracked open in a raw smouldering wound of self-pity and anguish. "And now I've lost everything. My pride. My virtue. My virginity. My honour. And, worst of all, Binta!" She collapsed on Ferhana's lap, her arms around her waist and her face buried in what few folds could possibly form on her very short skirt. She was faintly aware of Ferhana's fingers stroking through her hair and the distant sound of her comforting voice, interspersed with the curious vowel sounds and consonant clusters of her own tongue. "I've lost everything!" Sobbed Ana. "I've been stripped to a degree of nakedness that I didn't believe existed. A nakedness that goes beyond being unclothed!" Ferhana and Ana sat together, their arms around each other, sobbing gently. After a while, Ana pulled herself up and looked directly into Ferhana's eyes. "Do you think I've lost Binta forever?"
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