Omega (40) I nodded, although it was difficult to recognise someone I'd met so briefly in the dark. "Yes, that was me." The fat man grinned triumphantly: "This is the guy who gave us that map. We never stayed in the Centaur after all. A real tacky dive it was. We stayed in the Horse and Hounds, a real traditional place. My name's White and these are my pals Wayne and Wilma." The two pachyderms nodded their heads. "The Suburbs?" Wayne, the rhinoceros, asked. "A real dead joint, that. We ain't never going there again. But you're heading there, ain't you?" "That's right," Beta replied. "We're hoping to get there before this evening." "You look real weird for a gal from the Suburbs, honey," Wilma, the hippopotamus, remarked. "The gals there dressed real dull. I mean, real dull! But you gotta come from somewhere, ain't you!" The limousine was now accelerating smoothly into the rush of motorway traffic. Lorries rumbled by, and we were overtaken by fast cars driven by sales representatives in shirt sleeves with their jackets hung ostentatiously from a coat-hanger by the rear passenger door. Beta and I were squeezed next to each other against the rhinoceros and opposite the others. Our companions truly dwarfed us. "My friends are from Phaedra. They're on holiday here," Hubert explained. "They're all great enthusiasts for the works of the Great Poet." "Well, not just him, Hubert hon!" The hippopotamus elaborated. "We're real enthusiastic about all the history and tradition in this land of yours. There ain't none of that in Phaedra. Very nearly doodly squat. We ain't been around for as long as you guys. You got everything here. I've gotten real impressed by it. How can there be so much history in one country? That's what I'd like to know!" "Not everything's so goddamn fine here, though!" The rhinoceros interjected. "I ain't seen so many peasants and proles in my entire life! Ain't you guys got any civic pride. Your City's a goddamn cess pit in some places. Every few metres you stumble over a beggar or tramp. There ain't nothing like that back home." "Your country doesn't have the social problems we have here," Hubert remarked. "You're all much better off." "You're goddamn right!" agreed White. "Wayne's right too. You should clear those bums right off the street, so's decent people ain't pestered. And what a shambles your General Election was. I ain't ever seen such an amateurish affair. Those riots and demonstrations! That ain't democracy. That ain't what I'd call democracy anyhows. We had a real bad time in all that hoohah." "Yeah, honey," agreed Wilma. "There was this pack of dogs campaigning for your Red Party..." "I thought they were Black..." White interjected. "Well, whatever! Goddamn bunch of extremists. Real nasty they were. This goddamn aggressive collie looked like it'd really go for me, didn't it? There ain't nothing civilized in them people. Not in any one of them. There ain't no extremists in Phaedra. There ain't no place for them. And that's 'cause we got a real democracy. A democracy based on a bedrock constitution of justice and fairness for all." "I really can't agree with you, Wilma," remarked Hubert diplomatically. "We have a true democracy here. Our problems are not with the electoral system alone. It's because central government is so undecided it has lost control, and everything is governed locally. That's why the Coition government dissolved itself in favour of whichever party gained the most votes in the General Election..." "And what do you get!" Snorted the rhinoceros. "The goddamn Reds! You've gotten yourselves a Commie government now, ain't you! It'd be better for you guys if your Blue Party took over. Even them Blacks would be a better bunch." "You've gotten the worst you could get!" Agreed White. "I liked the bunch that run your Suburbs. There mayn't be no life there at all, but at least things run well. That's what you guys need. A good sensible practical government. Not a bunch of Commies. You guys are gonna be digging for salt in gulags before you know it. It's gonna be one perpetual revolution after another as the different Commie factions fight each other. It ain't gonna be no goddamn picnic. You'd never get Commies in power in Phaedra. We got it better sussed. The longer I've been here the more I'm glad we live in Phaedra however much history and tradition you guys got." "Your constitution is quite different," Hubert argued. "In this country, institutions and practices have evolved over time. There's never been a master plan. It's just changed gradually from a feudal to a modern society. Phaedra's never been anything but modern. Your constitution was consciously and meticulously planned. It has so many checks and balances it could never fall into the chaos that's happened here." "You're goddamn right!" Agreed the rhinoceros. "There ain't no chance of that. Our constitution is Phaedra's pride and joy. Like a pair of scales, it is. Balancing all the possible extremes and gravitating quite sensibly towards the centre. We got two political parties, not like your six or twenty or whatever it is. Two parties is all you need. After all, you don't want more than one lot in power at any one time. And the way our constitution is set up, one lot can't expect to be in power for very long before the other guys come in. And when the Fat party hold the presidency, you can be goddamn sure the Thins have got the Senate or Congress. There ain't no way that one lot can have it all their way." "They do say," argued Hubert, "that there really isn't much difference between your two main parties. That they hold pretty much the same opinions, and the real difference is which businesses pay money into which party funds. In fact people from one party cross over to the other bewilderingly often." The rhinoceros snorted, while White smiled superciliously. "There ain't no goddamn truth in that, Hubert, old chap. There ain't no truth at all. We been Thins all our lives. We wouldn't dream of giving the other guys any support at all..." "Though we did support President Elvis in the last Presidential election, didn't we, honey?" objected Wilma. "That's different. Elvis is a Thin at heart, even though he did stand as a Fat. No, Hubert. We welcome disillusioned Fats into our fold with open arms. The more the better. And we ain't gonna close our door for nobody. If any of those Fat guys see the light, then that's okay by me. And just as there are Fats who go one way, there's the odd renegade Thin who goes the other. I was real disgusted when Senator John-boy defected to the Fats. And mid-office too. We ain't had no chance to elect him out, when we'd just gotten him elected. That was real goddamn sneaky!" "What are the differences between the two political parties?" wondered Beta. "All the difference in the goddamn world..." snorted Wayne. "...Except when there's bipartisan support." elaborated White. "But there's a heck of a lot of policy differences. The Fats put taxes up and increase government spending, while the Thins cut taxes and reduce government spending, except on defence which the Fats increase and the Thins cut, and adjust revenue collection accordingly..." "...So it all amounts to much the same thing," said Wilma. "Which demonstrates how well our system of checks and balances works. That's why the symbol of Phaedra is a pair of scales held by the Hound of Liberty. As long as everything is balanced, and nothing extreme get the upper hand, then you've got stability, progress and prosperity." "It could be said," Hubert continued to argue, "that it's because of your prosperity that you have such a stable and balanced system of government." "Yeah, sure!" Wayne agreed. "But it takes a good strong system of government to keep that prosperity. Okay, in Phaedra we got more of everything than you got in your country. We got more oil, uranium, steel, silicon, chemicals and all than you got, and we got the businesses that make up for anything we're short in operating in other countries. There's a heck of a lot of Phaedran businesses trading in the financial sector of the City, for instance. And when I look at the guys here who can't get nothing for thousands of guineas in the City, but are as rich as heck in the Country, and all your beggars... Well, there ain't no comparison. You need a strong currency like the Phaedran riyal, not a mickey mouse currency like you got." The car abruptly slowed, and the hippopotamus and Hubert very nearly fell on top of us, which would have been severely injurious. Wilma and Wayne must have each weighed at least a ton. The rhinoceros peered out of the window: we were no longer on a wide motorway, but on a single hedge-lined carriageway. "And that's another thing. The difference between your Country and your City. We ain't gone hardly a hundred kilometres and it's like you've gone back a century in time. This ain't no way to run a modern road system. I reckon It ain't gonna be many more kilometres till this road's just a goddamn dirt track." "The Country can't afford the expense of motorway construction," Hubert explained. "There's always some goddamn reason or other, ain't there!" Snorted Wayne. "It's gonna be a real crawl from now on, ain't it!" Indeed, he was right as the car stopped periodically at traffic lights, railway crossings, and at one point to allow by a herd of ground sloths and water buffalo being guided across the road by border collies. However, Beta and Hubert looked more relaxed than they had in the frantic activity of the City. Beta took my hand in hers, and pointed out to me such things as windmills and farm cottages. The conversation paused for several leagues, picking up speed between towns and villages, and then slowing down as we passed through them. Occasionally, we passed sign posts pointing behind us towards the City, and, less frequently, ones indicating the Suburbs. At long last I was returning home. In one town, the limousine stopped for rather longer than normal. We peered through the windscreen at the shops and houses of a fairly ordinary looking town, flags flying from windows and very ordinary people wandering by. "What the goddamn heck's happening!" White exclaimed. "Why've we stopped?" He leaned over to the chauffeur. "What's the goddamn delay?" The alsatian apologetically turned his head round. "I don't know, sir. There appears to be some sort of demonstration or march ahead. All the traffic's stopped. There are plenty of police!" A long stationery queue of traffic stretched ahead of us and a police officer, a tall mastiff in a peaked helmet, walked towards our car and bent over to talk to the chauffeur who wound down his window. "There's trouble ahead, I'm afraid, sir. We're advising everyone to turn round and leave the town. We'd be much obliged if you did so too." "What goddamn trouble is that?" demanded the rhinoceros. "We're not absolutely certain, sir. Some trouble makers we think. Hooligans. Shops are being broken into and smashed up. Innocent people are being beaten up. We don't wish to alarm you, though, sir. We have it all in hand." He then righted himself and continued walking along the line of traffic behind us. Several cars had already turned around a full semi-circle and were driving back past us. "I just can't believe your goddamn country!" cursed White. "There ain't nothing but chaos and anarchy." He leaned over to the chauffeur. "Well, what are you waiting for, man? Ain't you gonna be turning round too?" "I fully intend to, sir," the alsatian replied. "But this car is very long and I need a very wide turning circle. I shall manoeuvre just as soon as it's physically possible." "Pah!" Snorted Wayne. "In Phaedra cars like this ain't considered long at all. You just ain't got the road space in your country for decent sized cars at all. Most of your cars are less than four metres long. That ain't nothing!" The hippopotamus looked alarmed. "I don't like what I can see up ahead. Do you see that smoke? And those youths. They don't look too friendly!" "Youths?" wondered Wayne. "What youths? Oh my god! There's hundreds of them! They must be the hooligans that cop was telling us about." The street ahead of us was swollen with a massed and very ragged band of young people who were marching in our direction. They were throwing stones and garbage at shop windows. The Police officers confronting them were hopelessly outnumbered and ill-prepared. Several banners were raised in the air illustrated by President Chairman Rupert's face and sporting words like TRUTH and JUSTICE. "It's the Illicit Party again!" Exclaimed Beta. "Wherever we go they cause trouble and smash things up!"
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