Three Strikes, But Not Quite Out (3) BETHANY: Well, yes. I mean, while you were checking out the second floor, I was speaking to the realtor by the front door when Katrina came and asked who I was. The woman said I was a potential renter and to not blow our cover, I had to say yes. I tried to tell Katrina I was not ready to rent the place, but she kept pressuring me to name a price and I was scared she would get mad at me for wasting her time if I refused, so I filled out some paperwork she gave me. She said she would think about my suggestions and respond within five days, which was what you heard coming down the stairs. LYNN: (He puts his cup and plate on the kitchen counter) What was your suggestion price and how come you did not tell me about this? BETHANY: $3,000 a month (LYNN gasps). I did not expect her to accept it, which is why I said nothing to you. LYNN: Well she did genius and now we are in escrow for an apartment that we never intended to rent!! BETHANY: (Surprised) Boy, I have seen you this angry before. LYNN: I cannot be blamed now, can I? I hope you did not actually sign those papers Katrina gave you. BETHANY: Of course not. Wait (brief pause), on second thought, I might have. LYNN: (Screaming) Aaahhh!!! Well then you better not have put my name in any of them. BETHANY: Um, I did that as well if I recall. LYNN: (Screaming louder) Aaaaahhhhh!!!!! But you did not give her anything else, right? BETHANY: No, I also gave her a $500 initial deposit using my signature, but a check from your bank account. LYNN: (Screaming as loud as he can while shaking Beth's shoulders) Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! What in sane hill is wrong with you!?!?!?!?!?! BETHANY: (She pushes Lynn's hands off of her) Hey, cool it, will you? It is not the end of the world. LYNN: But Beth, my bank account is linked with my mom's and I never made a purchase or withdrawal this huge before, so the bank will certainly find it suspicious and question it to my parents. When they find out what this payment was for, they will make me return home and whip my ass until it turns bright red for making such a transaction without consulting them first and whose fault is it? BETHANY: You never made a single purchase of more than $500 in your life? ROY: This is what happens when you were very irresponsible with money as a child and pre-teen. BETHANY: Oh I see, but I am sure your family's bank account has enough money for the rent deposit and if they try to hurt you, I will step in and ensure that does not happen. No one messes with my baby. LYNN: But Beth, why do we even need Katrina's apartment? Is this one not good enough for you? BETHANY: It is, but hers is much larger and nicer looking cutie pie. LYNN: That place is meant for three or four people. It is way too big for just two. We do not need all the extra closets and bedrooms (pause). Wait are you considering having Cindy and Inna live with us? BETHANY: Why not? Cindy lives in a horrible area of Brooklyn and has no job, but is willing to help around the place for a small fee. She and I also have always wanted to be friends or tenants of a celebrity. LYNN: You do not need to live with someone to be friends with her and I am sure that if you ask politely, Katrina will understand you and cancel the deal. Other people probably want to live in that place and I never even heard Cindy say she wanted to live with us or complain about her neighborhood. BETHANY: But my love, that apartment will make traveling to school and work for us much easier. Now you can just walk two blocks to Hunter instead of taking the M66 bus, which you often whine is slow and late, and I do not have to transfer trains at Times Square-42nd Street, where people constantly push each other around since they are in such a darn rush. I can just take the 6 train to 23rd Street. LYNN: You cannot fit into the 4, 5, or 6 trains and will be subject to more shoving if you try to ride them. They are always crowded since the Lexington Avenue Line is the only one that serves the Upper East Side and the 2nd Avenue Subway meant to solve this problem never seems to get completed. BETHANY: (She puts her arms on her hips in disgust) What are you trying to say about me? LYNN: I am saying that...that is not the point. The point is we cannot afford Katrina's place even though it would be really convenient for us both because the rent is almost twice as much as we pay here. We are lucky to have found a place in this neighborhood where the rent is below $1,900 a month. I am fine living here and calling Katrina right now to tell her to come over and cancel everything. (LYNN takes the phone from the counter and starts dialing, but Beth jumps and grabs him) BETHANY: Oh, no you do not! We are moving into Katrina’s apartment and that is final! (Beth and Lynn fight for the phone and say indistinguishable phrases. After 10 seconds, Beth gets hold of the phone, pins Lynn to the floor, goes on top of him and grips his hands) I am still much bigger and stronger than you sweetie, so there is no use trying to fight me for this. (The doorbell rings and Beth gets off of Lynn) I will get that, you stay where you are! (Beth puts the phone back on its base before walking to the front door and opening it. She is surprised to see Katrina behind it wearing a blue suit with a piece of paper in her hand) Oh, hello Katrina. What are you doing here? KATRINA: Hi Bethany, I came because there is a problem with the contract to my apartment that you rented. BETHANY: Oh please come in (she extends her right arm toward the living room to welcome Katrina in. She enters as Beth shuts the door and they walk toward stage right). So what is up with our contract? KATRINA: I was looking at it earlier today and noticed one of the needed signatures was… (She spots Lynn lying on the floor, stops, and looks at Beth confusingly) What the hell is Lynn doing on the floor? LYNN: Beth and I got into a fight before you came. She beat me, held me down, and said to stay down. BETHANY: Get up sweetheart! (Lynn gets up, pats his clothes and goes to Katrina’s right and Beth stands to her left. All three people are behind the coffee table as Katrina shows Beth and Lynn the contract) KATRINA: As I was saying, I forgot to ask Lynn to sign the deal at the open house as we all had to leave in a hurry even though Beth put his name on it. I cannot accept this until everyone who plans to move in has their signature on it. Please sign here Roy (she points at her paper) and we will be finished. LYNN: But Katrina, I never actually looked at the agreement because Beth never told me about it. KATRINA: Just read it right now and sign your name when you are done (she tries to give the paper to Lynn). LYNN: But that is the issue. I was going to call you and ask if you could come over and it was the phone that Beth and I just fought over. We never wanted to… (Beth runs behind Katrina to him, covers his mouth with her right hand, and wraps her left arm around his waist to stop him from talking) BETHANY: Can you excuse us for a second? Just have a seat please (Katrina puts the contract on the table). KATRINA: Okay? (She sits on the long couch while Beth lifts Lynn and carries him towards downstage right while he struggles to break free, but cannot. She puts him down upon reaching the dining room) BETHANY: (Talking quietly to Lynn as Katrina takes out her phone) What in the world are you doing? LYNN: (Talking quietly back) I should be asking you that. I already told you that I do not want Katrina's apartment. There is no need for us to rent it and you know it. We must tell her the truth about us. BETHANY: But sweet cheeks, I... LYNN: (Lynn interrupts by grabbing and tightly gripping Beth's buttocks) Please Beth, deep down you know we have to cancel the deal. Just do it if you really love me. (He puts his left hand on her right breast) BETHANY: Okay, man your butt-grabbing technique seems to always work on convincing me to listen to you. (They both laugh a bit before going back to Katrina, who is typing on her phone's keypad) LYNN: Katrina, Beth has something very, very important to tell you. KATRINA: Hold on, I am getting a response from ABC Entertainment Casting. What? Damn! (She looks at her phone as its new message tone is heard, and stands up in frustration) The judges for their amateur musician contest rejected the video of us singing Soak up the Sun. BETHANY: You filmed Lynn and me singing at the open house and submitted to a contest without telling us? KATRINA: I sang too and the winner would have received $5,000 (she puts her phone in her pants pocket). LYNN: And where you going to give us any of that money? Who the heck shot the video? It was just you, Beth, and me in that room and we were all singing. Wait, was that annoying realtor spying on us? KATRINA: No, I have a hidden camera installed in my musician room's wall and invite potential renters and buyers to sing with me. Some people can be funny when they do that. As for the money, I would have given you up to half of what I won while using the other half to pay several bills that I have seriously fallen behind on, but it no longer matters, as my video did not make it past Round One. LYNN: Well, of course no one would vote for your entry. We sang ten times worse than Rebecca Black. KATRINA: Oh boy, does she suck (Beth and Katrina laugh), but anyway, what did you want to tell me? LYNN: Actually, I have one more question for you. How did you know where Beth and I live? KATRINA: Beth gave your address to me so that I can stop by in case something like this happens. BETHANY: Why did you come here instead of asking us to go to your place like most homeowners do? KATRINA: I did not want to be of any inconvenience to you knowing Beth models for local department store catalogs and Lynn is majoring in film studies at Hunter College. Your job and major require a lot of time and work, so I made things much easier for you by coming to your place to talk about our contract issue. I also know that riding cross-town buses can be annoying since they are darn slow. LYNN: Tell me about it, but I like riding them through the Central Park Transverse Road to get to school. KATRINA: Yes, that part is fast and scenic. Also, I spent the entire day checking out the West Side, so it was easy for me to get to your home. The places on this side look better and cheaper than the east and getting around is easier by car and public transit due to bigger streets and more service. The East Side has a lot of irritating rich people, trains are always crowded and streets are like a parking lot. LYNN: That is true, that side has just one subway line while this side has two. It is almost impossible for someone of your size to fit into those puny numbered trains without knocking other riders around. People like you need to ride the rounder lettered trains that have wider seats to support their huge butts. The A, B, and D use fatsos and chubby chicks and are several blocks down at Central Park West (Katrina and Beth look at him confused). Ugh, this is why I cannot be a comedian like you. KATRINA: I can see kid, but question for you, you two just came back from the Tribeca Film Festival, right? LYNN: Um, yeah, that is why Beth and I are dressed the way we are. How did you know? KATRINA: Beth told me that a short film you made for class was being shown there. Unfortunately, I could not make it to the event, but saw the trailer on your YouTube profile and found it quite amazing. LYNN: Thank you. What else did Beth tell you about us that you have not said yet? KATRINA: Nothing of major importance, now what were you going to say before Beth? BETHANY: Well I hate to the bearer of bad news Katrina, but Lynn and I are not moving into your apartment. KATRINA: (She laughs out loud, then stops suddenly) You are joking, right? BETHANY: No, I am serious, we will not move into that apartment. LYNN: Yeah in fact, we had no intentions to be your tenants in the first place (Katrina makes a sad face). Oh come on. I bet there are plenty of people who went to the open house and want that apartment. KATRINA: Um, actually, no one else came to the event and I need the rent money to pay my mortgages. Can you please move into the building so that I can maintain ownership and stay in this gorgeous city? BETHANY: I am sorry, but there is no way the two of us can live there. KATRINA: But if you never planned to rent the apartment, why did you go to the fuckin' open house? LYNN: Hey, hey, hey, no need for foul language. We just wanted to see you since we love you so much. BETHANY: That is true. You see Katrina, Roy was on his way to the bus stop after school last week when he saw you going into an apartment building across the street. He asked the doorman why you were there and he said you had partial ownership of the building and were looking for a tenant for one of the apartments. The doorman gave Roy a flyer to the open house and when he showed it to me, I could not resist the opportunity to meet you since I find you really fantastic on Comedy Central. KATRINA: Then why the hell did you say "yes" when I asked you if you were going to rent the place Beth? BETHANY: I was afraid you would hate me and ask Roy and me to leave if I said no. I honestly like the place since it is really roomy and would have allowed Roy and me to get to school and work faster, but we cannot afford it right now. We totally enjoyed all the things we did with you that day, though. LYNN: She is right Katrina. Look, I am very sorry for the troubles Beth's stupidity has caused, but it was really great hanging out with you. So if you can find it in your heart to terminate the contract and give us back the deposit, we will forget this whole thing ever occurred and let you leave in peace. KATRINA: The deposit? Oh you mean this? (She takes out a check from her pants pocket) Well, of course you can have it back. I have not cashed it, as our contract has not been approved. (Lynn reaches for the check, but as he is about to touch it, Katrina pulls her hand away) Not. You think you can come to an open house just to meet the celebrity that is hosting it, make a phony deal to live in the place, and then expect me to forgive you for lying and return everything? LYNN: Listen, I know you are upset, but... (Katrina puts the check back in her pocket and interrupts him) KATRINA: I am more than upset! Who the fuck you dickheads think you are wasting my time like this? I am a damn hardworking standup comedian and have no patience for stalking brainless fools like you. BETHANY: Okay, first, Lynn and I did not stalk you and second, you watch your mouth when you are in here! KATRINA: Oh you think being a big, tall store catalog model makes you tough Beth? I disagree! In fact, you look horrible in the recent J.C. Penney catalog wearing those summer dresses (Beth is offended).
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