Grease (2)
I wouldn’t. BARRY I don’t need you’re advice, Col. I want to buy my lovely wife a present. COLIN To stop her throwing things at you, you mean? BARRY Well, there will be some advantages to it, yes. And not having to duck a flying fucking frying pan will be one of them. colin Go and buy yourself something, mate. Go and buy porn, it always helps me when I’ve had a bad day. A good wank. BARRY I hope you’ve washed your hands, you’ve been serving food, mate. (beat) No, I can see Pauline’s face now. When I amble in this evening carrying that imitation fur coat she’s had her eye on for some time. cut to: int – beroom – day PAULINE is giving REG mouth-to-mouth. Badly. She takes a deep breath, and then slams her mouth onto his, pushing with all her might onto his frail old chest. pauline One . . . two . . . three . . . come on you bastard . . . four . . . five . . . It isn’t working. She gives up, sweating. pauline God, the shit I have to put up with. First I marry a complete twat, and now this. She takes the BODY by the shoulders and begins to drag him from the bed. series of shots
cut to: ext – house – day It’s getting late, and shadows are falling over everything. BARRY stands outside the FRONT DOOR, taking deep breaths. He’s holding a BOX, which is packaged with ribbons and bright coloured paper. After a second’s pause, he opens the DOOR. int – hallway – day BARRY steps into the house, looking around for his wife. She’s nowhere to be seen. BARRY (puzzled) Pauline? Love? He walks through into: int – front room – day The T.V. is on, but the sound is down. We catch a glance at it, for a split second. There are pictures of a war, or something. BARRY takes no notice, and walks through into: int – kitchen – day He places the BOX on the large oak kitchen table, sighing. BARRY Pauline? Are you in? Pauline? Muffled sounds are heard from upstairs. BARRY smiles. BARRY Love, I’ve brought you a present. FOOTSTEPS are heard, coming down the stairs. BARRY walks to the table, and picks up the BOX, standing in the doorway, and waiting for PAULINE to enter. Tension. Silence. The door is thrown open with the force of an army, almost knocking BARRY over. We can’t see what’s in doorway yet, but we can hear it. Heavy BREATHING. It’s PAULINE. She looks white with terror, her eyes large, like a turtles, inside her wide rimmed glasses. She stares at BARRY. PAULINE Oh, you’re home. I thought it might be something worth coming downstairs for. Some hoping, aye? BARRY Don’t be like that, love. PAULINE (innocent) Like what? BARRY You’re not dressed? Have you been in bed all day? PAULINE No I haven’t. I . . . just couldn’t be arsed to get dressed. Not that it’s any business of yours, is it? I’m my own woman, I’m a free . . . BARRY Yes, yes. Well, not to worry. I’ve brought you something, darling. PAULINE eyes him suspiciously. PAULINE If it’s shite, it’s going back. What’re you doing, Quimely, trying to get round me by buying me a present? I can’t be brought, you know. BARRY Look, can we just stop this arguing for one night? There’s a D.I.Y. program on at five, I was hoping we could have a nice night in and watch the telly. PAULINE I’m not sitting watching a D.I.Y. program with a bastard who smells of fish. I’ve got a reputation to keep up, you know. (pause) Now, where’s this pissing present, you’ve brought me? I bet it’s shit. All you ever buy is shit, Barry. I think it’s a disgrace they let tossers like you have money, I really do. BARRY Pauline, will you shut up? Open the bloody box, ok? He hands her the BOX. She rips the packaging off it, and pulls out a long, black FUR COAT. Her face lights up, and it’s the first time we’ve seen her smile in BARRY’S company. PAULINE Oh, god, is it . . . BARRY Yes, it’s the one you’ve been looking at for god knows how long. We’ve had a bit of a boom down Fishy Fingers, so I thought I’d get it you. Do you like it? PAULINE No. She throws it back at him, and storms away. He stands looking at it, almost in tears. He folds it neatly, and places it back in the BOX. BARRY (shouts) I’ll leave it on the table . . . in . . . incase you change your mind. He puts the BOX on the table, and exits into: int – hallway – day The HALLWAY leads to the FRONT ROOM, and the STAIRS, and is as pretty as the rest of the house. Expensive wallpaper lines the walls, and a bright green carpet covers the floor. BARRY passes the FRONT ROOM, and the sound of the T.V. can be HEARD. He sighs, and walks up STAIRS. int – LANDING – DAY The LANDING lead to the TOILET, and the two BEDROOMS. BARRY climbs the STAIRS, heaving with the effort, and muttering under his breath. He’s heart broken. He’s crying. He stops at the BEDROOM door, wiping his eyes. barry (quietly, to himself) Sod her. We don’t need her, mate. Let her have . . . well, whatever it is she has. We don’t . . . (crys) . . . need her. I’m gonna sit and watch the House Doctors, and let her stew. He enters the BEDROOM. INT – FRONT ROOM – DAY PAULINE is sat on the large leather SOFA that lays along one wall of the FRONT ROOM, smiling wickedly to herself. She HEARS the T.V. upstairs. CLOSE ON REMOTE CONTROL as she turns the volume of her own T.V. up. BACK TO SCENE The T.V. in the corner is blasting now, far too loud to be enjoyable. PAULINE sits with her hands over her ears, still smiling wickedly. int – bedroom – night BARRY is laid on the bed, a box of CHOCOLATES on his wide stomach, trying to watch the T.V., which is placed on a table at the end of the bed. It’s hard to hear much of anything, really. The T.V. in the FRONT ROOM is still blasting, but he’s trying anyway. CLOSE ON T.V. It’s a gardening show. There is a small, IRISH MAN knee deep in mud, smiling at the camera. GARDENING PRESENTER Now, in a muddy clump like this one, I always find it best to soil the earth before . . . BACK TO SCENE BARRY is taking it all in, knodding at everything the PRESENTER says, and agreeing out loud on some points. He pushes more CHOCOLATES into his mouth. cut to: int – under bed – night We are now under the bed. It’s dark, dim, but we can just make out the shape of REG ASKLY’S dead body. It moves! First the hand twitches, slowly, then quicker. The eyes open, milky and white. REG MOANS. cut to: INT – BEDROOM – NIGHT BARRY sits up in bed, listening. He’s heard the MOAN. BARRY (to himself) That’ll be fucking Pauline, trying to scare the shit out of me, now. The bitch. Another MOAN fills the room. BARRY jumps from the bed, looking around the room, his gardening program all but forgotten. There’s no one in the room, and yet the MOANING is continuing, getting louder with each MOAN. SCRATCHING sounds can now be HEARD. BARRY stands firm. BARRY Piss off Pauline. INT – FRONT ROOM – NIGHT PAULINE is watching a NEWS PROGRAME, and eating crisps. CLOSE ON T.V. a reporter for a LOCAL NEWS SHOW is staring straight into camera. PRESENTER . . . been reported that the dead are coming back to life. Hundreds of reports of the re-animation of recently dead plague victims are coming into the station, as we’re on air. The police and local authorities are urging people to stay in their homes, until this situation can be fully accessed . . . BACK TO SCENE PAULINE is watching gap jawed, bits of crisps falling out of her open mouth. She bounds out of the room. int – bedroom – night The MOANING is getting louder and louder. BARRY has worked out that it’s coming from under the bed, so he’s got onto his needs, and he’s peering to into the gloom. BARRY (to himself) I hope we haven’t got a cat or something stuck under here. Or swan, they’re even worse, they can break your arm with a swing of their wings. Deadly little bastards, they are. He reaches under the bed. CLOSE ON HIS FACE as he’s eyes widen in shock. It’s not a cat or a bird. BACK TO SCENE BARRY SCREAMS, pulling his arm out. It’s a struggle, because something is holding onto it. He drags his arm free, but there are two grey HANDS holding to it. REG is pulled from under the bed, still attached to the screaming BARRY, who has fallen back onto his back, with the MOANING thing nearly ontop of him. BARRY recognises who it is. BARRY (shouts) Reg? Reg fucking Askly under my bed? What the pissing buggery are you doing in my house? REG doesn’t answer, but instead stares at him, with milky white eyes. His mouth is open, and droll is dripping out, hitting BARRY’S trousers. BARRY pushes REG off him, as the door to the BEDROOM swings open. It’s PAULINE. She stands in the doorway, terrified, looking down at REG, who is trying to get to his feet. BARRY is enraged. BARRY (shouts at PAULINE) What the piss is this old tosser doing under our fucking bed, you cheating fat cow? PAULINE stutters. PAULINE I . . . I . . . He’s . . . he’s dea . . . BARRY All the while I was out, making money for you to buy crisps and sweats, you’ve been having the local shag-a-thon around, to bang your brains out? Well, that’s just great that is. No wonder we argue all the time. I’m not you’re perfect man, am I? No, I’m not old enough to be your father’s father! Behind him, REG has staggered to his feet. He’s staring hungrily at BARRY’S back. He MOANS. PAULINE Barry, he’s . . . he’s dead! BARRY smiles. BARRY He will be when I’ve finished with the old cun . . . Before he can finish, REG had grabbed a hold of him, and is pulling his huge form to the ground. They land with a thump, and wrestle on the carpet. REG is clawing at BARRY’S face, snarling like a dog. BARRY can’t fight him off. BARRY He’s a fucking mad man! Get him off me! PAULINE won’t come near them, and watches at the door. int – bedroom – night ANOTHER ANGLE BARRY punches REG in the stomach, but it has no effect at all. Droll is running onto his face in long, thin lines. BARRY moves his legs, and pushes them under REG. With one giant push, he kicks the smaller man off him, and sends him flying through the air. The old man’s body sails through the air like a paper plane, hitting the wall. Blood splatters, as his head connects, and he slides to the carpet, unmoving. BARRY climbs to his feet, shaken. BARRY Oh, god, I’ve killed him! He walks over to the BODY, and pushes it with his foot. It doesn’t move, doesn’t try to grab at him, it’s dead. PAULINE is crying now. BARRY I don’t know what you’re crying for, I’ve just fucking killed a man! cut to: EXT – STREET – NIGHT Establishing shot of the QUIMLEY’S quiet suburban street. Houses line either side of the road, dotted here and there by bright street lamps. Trees and bushes line the pavements, neatly attended to and well kept. From the shadows, people are beginning to stagger out onto the street. They move with slow, uneasy movements. Some of them fall as they hit the pavement, but stagger back to their feet. As they pass through the light of the street lamps, we get a look at them. All of them are exactly the same as REG. White eyes, open, drooling mouths. Victims of the plague. Zombies. cut to: int – bedroom – night BARRY and PAULINE are stood over the body unsure of what to do. pauline No, you daft bastard, you don’t understand, he’s dead. Barry I know, I can see that. PAULINE I mean, dead. He’s ‘dead’ dead. BARRY (slowly, as if to a nutcase) Yes. PAULINE Dead as in dead before he was dead. BARRY Have you been drinking again, woman. You’ll be dancing on tables in just your knickers again next, and we really don’t want a repeat of that episode, do we? pauline I haven’t been drinking, Barry! It’s the plague. I saw it on the news. The dead are coming back to life. BARRY looks hard to the dead man. BARRY You mean, he’s going to come back again. Fucking hell, where’s that big knife from the kitchen. PAULINE No, he was already dead; you fat tosser, that’s what I’m trying to say. BARRY He was dead? And he was moving? PAULINE Yes. He died earlier. We were having . . . BARRY holds up his hand, grimacing. BARRY Alright, too much detail, thank you. PAULINE I think I killed him. I’m a love machine. BARRY If I got a machine like you, love, I’d want a refund. PAULINE You cheeky . . . There’s a loud BANGING coming from downstairs. PAULINE (terrified) There’s more of them, the telly said, I bet that’s them now! She rushes to the BEDROOM window, and peers out. PAULINE’S POV the front garden is now filled with the walking dead. They bang on the windows, and throw themselves against the FRONT DOOR. BACK TO SCENE PAULINE is ashen white. PAULINE There’s loads of them down there. (pause) God, it’s like that shit film you like, isn’t it? Dawn of the . . . what’s it called? BARRY Dawn Of The Dead. PAULINE That’s the one. Load of bollocks. BARRY The only reason you don’t like it is because people don’t keep breaking out into song on a fucking hill top. (beat) We have to do something. If they are zombies, which I very much doubt, they’ll want to eat us. Let’s face it, they get their hands on you, they’ll me set up for a month. PAULINE sneers at him. BARRY Wait here. pauline No, Barry, don’t leave me! barry God, I’m only going the toilet, woman. pauline Oh, ok. He exits. int – toilet – night BARRY rushes into the toilet. The sounds of the dead are now filling the house. He stands on the TOILET, and peers through the small window above it at the BACK GARDEN. Smiles, and rushes back into: int – bedroom – night PAULINE is still stood watching the BODY, while also peeking out of the window in terror. barry Come on, we’re going out the back way. PAULINE The back way? There’s zombies out there, you idiot. What’d you want us to do, walk right past them? BARRY I’ve just checked, there’s none in the garden, they can’t climb the fence. We’ll be ok, we can make a run for the van. Go and rescue Colin. PAULINE Colin? BARRY He’s looking after Fishy Fingers, isn’t he? PAULINE (sighs) There you go again. I don’t know; you since you’ve had that pissing fish shop. Fishy Fingers this, Fishy Fingers that. Now, here we are, in a time of real crisis, and still you’re worried about the bastard chip shop! BARRY
Copyright © 2002 Mark Timothy Dickson |