Grease (3)
Colin, I’m worried about Colin. Forgive me if I care about someone else other than myself. You wouldn’t understand, dear. They eye each other. BARRY Now, are we going or not. I don’t know how long the back yard will stay empty. I also don’t know how long the front door will hold. PAULINE thinks about it. PAULINE Come on, then, you fat bastard. cut to: EXT – HOUSE – NIGHT The zombies are banging against the FRONT DOOR, harder with each try. CLOSE ON THE DOOR which is breaking. BACK TO SCENE More zombies are filling the ROAD outside the house, and more yet are spilling from the houses on either side. cut to: INT – KITCHEN – NIGHT BARRY and PAULINE stand in the kitchen. MOANS and GROANS are HEARD throughout the house. BARRY Get a knife, are something, we need to be armed. They ransack the drawers and cupboards, each finding weapons. PAULINE has found an ELECTRIC CARVER, which she holds infront of her like an axe. BARRY What’s that? PAULINE This thing’s deadly. I nearly took my pissing finger off once with this bastard. BARRY Yeah, great plan. We’ll be fine as long as there’s a fucking plug point, then, won’t we? He holds up the plug which dangles from it. PAULINE throws it down, and takes a large shinning KNIFE from the drawer. BARRY smiles. BARRY Now you’re getting the idea, darling. Just promise me something. PAULINE What? BARRY That when I turn you won’t ram that into my neck? PAULINE Of course not. CLOSE ON PAULINE who is seriously thinking about it. BACK TO SCENE BARRY edges towards the BACK DOOR, looking through the window. BARRY It’s still clear. Ready? PAULINE No. BARRY Tough, come on. He swings the DOOR open and bounds outside. ext – back garden – night An immaculate garden, with a large FOUNTAIN in the center, which bubbles attractively, glittering in the light from the moon. BARRY and PAULINE edge out, checking left and right for any sign of the walking dead. The garden is deserted, and they hurry along the stone path to the large GATE at the back. Zombies can be HEARD out here. It’s like happy hour in hell. BARRY pulls out a large KNIFE, and swings the GATE open, grimacing when it squeaks and MOANS can be HEARD in reply. They pass through it and head out onto: ext – street – night Another suburban street, which lays behind the QUIMLEY’S house. There are zombies here, but they are few and far between, and seem to be staggering aimlessly. They haven’t seen the two huge shapes that are trying their hardest to keep to the shadows and out of the light from the street lamps. BARRY (whispers) Call it luck, call it fate, call it God have a look down on me and smiling, but I parked the van down here tonight. PAULINE (whispers) Luck, fate, God. My arse. The Rodgers had parked in our space again, hadn’t they? And you’re too much of a weedy tosser to ask them to move their car, aren’t you? BARRY doesn’t answer. The VAN is parked a few feet away, and they rush to it. ext – street – night ANOTHER ANGLE From the shadows, a zombie has seen them head towards their VAN. It MOANS, alerting three others, two women and a man. They stare where the zombie is headed, and also see the QUIMLEYS trying to make their flight. They stagger towards them. ext – street – night ANOTHER ANGLE BARRY is at the VAN, fiddling in his pocket for the keys. PAULINE You haven’t got them, have you? You’ve left them on the fucking kitchen table again. You are a prat, Barry Quimely. I have absolutely no idea why in the name of Satan’s cock I decided to marry you . . . BARRY Will you keep your voice down, woman? PAULINE Why? BARRY points at the four zombies that are crossing the road, headed straight towards them. He’s found the keys, and he jams them into the lock. The door opens, and he climbs in. PAULINE runs around the passenger side, and squeezes her huge shape into the small box VAN. The VAN groans with the combined weight of the two of them, it’s suspension spluttering. int – van – night BARRY fumbles with the keys again, trying to find the ignition in the darkness. Through the dirt-smeared windscreen, we can see the shadowy forms of the advancing zombies, as they get closer to the VAN. BARRY Ah, I knew the bastard was here somewhere. He rams the key in, and the VAN sparks into life. BARRY Brace yourself, fatty. Before PAULINE can say a word about the insult, the VAN lurches away at speed, throwing her back into the passenger seat. ext – street – night The zombies scatter, as the VAN speeds away, knocking them back. They stand and watch it go, as it disappears down the deserted road. cut to: ext – road – night We see the VAN travel along a deserted main road, with shops and frontages on either side. There are zombies here, too. int – van – night Barry stares in disbelief. barry Bugger me. I wonder if this is global. PAULINE God, man, don’t you listen to the news? It’s a plague. People who get it die, and then, they, well, they come back, don’t they? barry Why haven’t we got it, then? PAULINE Will you stop asking questions and drive? How am I sposed to know, aye? Do look like a doctor, Barry? All I know is that there are loads of dead people about. And it’s caused by a plague. barry And you don’t care as long as there’s still chocolate and crisps? PAULINE Exactly. BARRY God, my dear old mother might be one of them. PAULINE How could you tell the difference with that old bitch? BARRY That’s my mother you’re talking about! PAULINE (wicked smile) I know. cut to: EXT – MAIN ROAD – NIGHT Zombies are everywhere outside the CHIP SHOP. As we look at them, we realise that they’re the same people who were there earlier. The business suited man and women from the office blocks. Back for another helping. Only this time, there’ something else on the menu. They fall against the glass windows, trying to get at COLIN, who’s stuck inside. int – fish shop – day COLIN is sat reading the PAPER, trying to ignore the many dead faces that are now pressed against the window, staring in at him. He turns a page, and looks at his watch. Then he has an idea. He walks to the back of the shop. As he disappears, there are MOANS of upset from outside. When he reappears, the zombies begin banging at the glass again, MOANING louder. COLIN is holding his MOBILE PHONE, and tapping numbers quickly. CLOSE ON PHONE which displays the words: baz: calling BACK TO SCENE He puts the PHONE to his ear. COLIN (to himself) Come on, you fat bastard. cut to: int – van – night The sound of PHONE RINGING. PAULINE sneers at BARRY. PAULINE Who’s that ringing, your fancy woman? BARRY I think you’re forgetting who did the cheating in this relationship, aren’t you? (beat) It’s the mobile; will you get it for me? It’s in the back of the van. PAULINE reaches over, climbing over the back of the seat. BARRY tries to ignore the fact she now has her immense bottom almost smothering his face. PAULINE Where is it? BARRY (muffled) Behind the box of scampi fries. PaULINE I can’t see it. BARRY (muffled) Try to find it quickly, everything’s going black. She reaches the PHONE, and climbs back over. pauline Happy now? BARRY Better, yeah. Being able to breath fresh air has that effect. (answers PHONE) Hello? cut to: int – fish shop – night colin (into PHONE) Baz, we’ve got a problem here. The living dead have come back to life, they want chips. CUT TO: INT – VAN – NIGHT BARRY (into PHONE) Don’t panic, Col. I’m no me way. (beat) Yes, I’ve had to save her too. PAULINE eyes him. barry (into PHONE) Give me five minutes, mate. He cliks the PHONE off and puts his foot down, making the VAN lurch madly. EXT – MAIN ROAD – NIGHT The VAN speeds away. CUT TO: EXT – ROAD – NIGHT The zombies can hear the sound of the VAN, as it speeds towards the CHIP SHOP. They turn their attention away from the SHOP for the time being, and all look in the direction of the sound. The VAN speeds down the road, breaking every speed limit imaginable. Zombies have a second to register, before the VAN mounts the pavement, hitting them and knocking them flying through the air, to land a few feet away. The VAN shudders to a hult infront of FISHY FINGERS, beeping it’s HORN. INT – VAN – NIGHT BARRY slaps his hand on the HORN. PAULINE Do you have to do that, Barry? It’s so bloody common. That’s what scum do, that is. BARRY Pauline? Who gives a shit? I don’t think there’s any one left alive who’d give a fuck, do you? int – CHIP SHOP – NIGHT COLIN has seen the VAN, and he rushes to get some things together. He needs a weapon, anything to fight off the advancing hordes of the undead. There’s nothing around. This is a chip shop, not a gun makers. Then he notices the large KNIVES that are used to cut the KEBAB MEAT. He snatches them up, and bounds towards the door. int – van – night BARRY smiles, looking through the windscreen. BARRY There’s the man. Budge up, darling, so he can get in. PAULINE sighs, and breaths in. ext – road – night COLIN rushes from the SHOP, holding the duel KNIVES infront of him. The zombies MOAN at the sight of fresh living food, and make grabs for him. As every hand is raised, a large KEBAB KNIFE is dropped, severing the limb straight off. Bits of zombie fly everywhere in a shower of bright red gore. COLIN makes it to the VAN, fighting off a rather large woman with one side of her face missing, and throws himself inside: int – van – night Right ontop of the huge form of PAULINE. He smiles, as she struggles under him. colin Evening, all. PAULINE Will you get off me, you dirty little bastard? BARRY starts the VAN and once again they’re on their way. cut to: EXT – OPEN ROAD – NIGHT The VAN speeds down a long, open road, bordered on either side by large, darkened FACTORYS. INT – VAN – NIGHT COLIN has climbed into the back of the VAN, and is sat cleaning his large KEBAB KNIVES of gore. He flicks them, and watches as the gore sails through the air, hitting PAULINE’S red hair. PAULINE Barry, tell him. BARRY sniggers. BARRY Colin, can you please stop flicking bits of the dead people into my lovely wife’s hair. COLIN Oh, sorry, I didn’t realise. He flicks some more, and then puts the KNIVES down. COLIN So, then, what’s the plan? Are we going to drive until we run out of petrol? BARRY Which’ll be pretty bloody soon at this rate. And, I don’t have a plan of any kind. Well, apart from to be scared shitless, which I’m doing rather well. PAULINE (contempt) Oh, it doesn’t show. Pause. colin There should still be places with living people, shouldn’t there? People like us who haven’t got the plague? barry We don’t even know we haven’t got the plague, yet, do we? For all we know, in a couple of hours, we could be just like them. pauline I could never be like them. Have you seen the state of some of them? colin This coming from a fat bird who’s still wearing her dressing gown. PAULINE turns and sneers at COLIN, who smiles innocently. The VAN judders, as they hit a speed bump. pauline Where exactly are we going, dear? barry We need petrol. I’m going to risk the old place out on Mackles Road. It’s pretty deserted at the best of times, so we might be ok there. pauline Might? You’re going to get us fucking killed, Quimley. My mother told me never to marry a fat tosser, and what did I do? I went and bloody married one. colin Doesn’t she ever shut up, Baz? barry Not that I’ve noticed, mate, no. Welcome to the wonders of married life. cut to: ext – mackles road – night Mackles Road is just that, a stretch of main road which leads to a large industrial estate and not much else. Lights are one in the large estate, but not a soul moves. Next to the estate is a small PETROL STATION, which is lit and appears to be in working order. ext – petrol station – night The VAN draws slowly up to a pump. colin (V.O.) Looks promising. The VAN judders to a stop. ext – petrol station – night ANOTHER ANGLE BARRY climbs from the VAN, holding his KNIFE high, and scanning the darkness and the road all around them. Not a soul moves. PAULINE pulls her wide body from the VAN and stands on the forecourt fanning herself with her hand. Finally COLIN climbs from the car, looking around. colin (to BARRY) What’d you reckon, Baz? BARRY I’m hoping there’s some gas. In the movies, when something like this happens, there’s never any gas, because people have all buggered off from the cities to escape the dead. I’m hoping there’s some gas this time. PAULINE Because this isn’t a fucking movie! BARRY Yes. He heads to a PUMP, and takes the nossle from it. He squeezes it, and PETROL spills out, splashing his trousers. BARRY Bastard. PAULINE sneers at him, turning away. COLIN takes the PUMP and pulls it towards the VAN. He begins to fill it, still looking around for any signs of the dead. pauline It’s too quiet. Has anybody noticed that? COLIN Well, you’ve stopped talking, haven’t you, love?
Copyright © 2002 Mark Timothy Dickson |