An Island Unto Himself (2) The wall clock reads 5:18. Mike turns off the lights. MIKE Come on, there’s nothing we can do for him. Besides, if ole Fish Fart catches us hanging around we might just be next. KIMMY ( as they exit ) I feel so bad for the guy. He’s really down. INT. PARKING GARAGE - DUSK The garage is empty except for the VW bus. Stu approaches it, thoroughly dejected. He climbs in, sighs and starts the engine. The bus lurches violently and stalls; the perfect ending to a perfectly lousy day. EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - NIGHT A little league game is being played under the lights. A RUNNER crosses home plate and the other RUNNERS advance. The bases are loaded. Stu is the home plate umpire. He dons his protective mask and settles in behind the CATCHER. The next BATTER approaches the plate. His identity is obscured by his batting helmet with protective face guard. There is general chatter from the BALLPLAYERS. BALLPLAYERS ( ad libs ) Hey batter, batter. The PITCHER winds up and delivers the pitch. Close on Stu and the batter as the ball crosses the plate. The batter doesn’t swing. STU Stee-rike! The batter turns, hands on hips and looks at Stu, his face still obscured by the big helmet falling over his eyes. STU Play ball. Again the pitcher delivers. Again no swing. STU Strike two! The CROWD grows surly. CROWD ( ad libs ) Ah, come on ump. BATTER ( turning to Stu ) What are you, blind? STU Play ball, batter. The pitcher delivers the next pitch. Again, no swing. STU Stee-rike three! Yer out! Disappointed by the final out of the game, the runners step off their respective bases and start the slow walk to their dugout. In a huff, the batter turns to Stu and throws his helmet revealing his identity; Stu’s 8 year old son, Brad. BRAD You’re crazy, you blind bastard! STU You can’t talk to an umpire like that. You’re outa here! BRAD ( throwing his bat ) You can’t throw me out ya freak, the game’s over! The opposing team’s COACH approaches Stu, laughing and slaps him on the back. COACH Hey Blue, great game. BRAD Yeah, just great! Thanks Dad! Brad kicks the dirt and storms off! EXT. STEWART HOUSE - NIGHT All is still and quiet except for the soothing sound of CRICKETS CHIRPING. The rattle-trap bus breaks the serenity as it jerks and lurches into view around the corner and disappears into the garage. INT. STEWART GARAGE - NIGHT The bus comes to a stop in front of Stu’s work bench. There is chilly silence between Brad and Stu. Brad opens his door to get out, illuminating the interior via the dome light. STU Brad, wait a second. Brad stays seated but doesn’t look at his dad. STU I...I don’t know what to say. Brad digs for something in his pocket and hands it to Stu. BRAD Here. Stu examines it in the dim lighting. It’s three, dirty, old coins, attached by three, tiny chains to a single brass loop. The ancient coins are embossed with hieroglyphics. STU What’s this? BRAD Your birthday present. I bought it with my own money. STU Ouch. BRAD It’s supposed to be a lucky charm. The crazy old fart at the pawn shop said it has magic powers or something. You know, three wishes, that kind of thing. STU I don’t know what to say. I love it, Brad. BRAD ( exiting the bus ) Yeah well, maybe you can wish for a pair of glasses. STU Brad... BRAD ( exiting the garage ) Happy friggin’ birthday, Blue... bonehead. Stu ponders the coins in his hand. STU ( sarcastically ) Three wishes, huh? He closes his fist around the coins, closes his eyes in mock concentration and holds the coins to the bridge of his nose. STU I wish I wasn’t such a jerk. He opens his eyes and turns the rear view mirror toward him. STU ...Nope, I’m still me. EXT. STEWART HOUSE - NIGHT Stu exits the garage and heads for the house. A car comes careening around the corner! It is Tiffy in the family car. She screeches to a halt, gets out and crosses in front of her dumbfounded father toward the house. STU Hold it right there, missy. I want to talk you. Tiffy ignores Stu. STU Tiffy...Tiffany Jane Stewart! TIFFY ( stopping abruptly ) For the record, I don’t answer to that bourgeois, Euro-American name anymore. From now on, you may kindly address me as Starlight. STU Oh, brother. Okay, whoever you are, I want to talk to you. TIFFY About what? STU You’re smoking, aren’t you? TIFFY As if. Come on Dad, we’ve been through this before. I don’t smoke. Stu pulls an object from his pocket. STU It’s no use lying Starfire... TIFFY Starlight. STU Whatever. ( opening his hand to reveal the pipe ) I’ve got you red handed this time. Behold the smoking gun, or pipe as it were. Tiffy’s eyes bulge as she sees her marijuana pipe in her father’s possession. Mary opens the front door and sticks her head out. MARY Tiffy, someone’s on the phone for you. He said his name is Moonglow ...or something like that. Tiffy seizes the opportunity and bounds for the front door. TIFFY Coming, Mother! Stu follows Tiffy up the front steps as she ducks in the door. STU Hey, I’m not finished... Mary we need to talk to that girl. MARY Did you remember the milk, dear? STU Milk? No, I’ll get it later. We have got to... MARY It will have to wait, Stu. I need that milk a.s.a.p. I’m right in the middle of making my famous macaroni bake. STU But... MARY Get along little doggy. Shoo, shoo. We’ll talk when you get back. Stu reluctantly turns to go back down the steps. STU Well okay, but don’t let Tiffy go anywhere... The door slams unceremoniously behind him. STU ...until I get back. INT. STEWART GARAGE - NIGHT Stu enters, clicks on the light and reaches into his pocket for the VW keys. He pulls out the three coins instead. He examines them closer. STU Weird. He gets a rag from the work bench and starts cleaning the crusty, old trinket. He dabs some cleaning solvent onto the rag and rubs more. STU I wonder what kind of coins these are. The coins don’t come very clean and Stu gives up. He doesn’t notice the coins starting to twinkle and climbs into the bus. He puts Tiffy’s pipe in the ash tray, starts the engine and drifts off into thought, subconsciously rubbing one of the coins between his thumb and fingers. He sees his reflection in the windshield. STU Well, Stu old buddy, as pissy days go, this one wizzed all over you. Your boss tore you out of the frame, your wife hardly knows you exist, your daughter is smoking... The more Stu subconsciously rubs the single coin, the more it twinkles until it begins to glow. STU ...and to top it off, you broke the heart of the only person in your life that even remembered your birthday. Why do you have to be such a loser? Stu turns on the headlights, illuminating the centerfold of the tropical island pinned to his pegboard. STU I’m so tired of my life. I wish... I wish I could just be swept away to my own, remote, island. Push in on the glowing coin. A mysterious gust of wind blows through the garage. The clutch slips and the old bus lurches violently! Stu drops the coins and his head bounces off the steering wheel! INT. VW BUS - DAY Stu lies across the steering wheel, facing the passenger seat. The sun glaring in through the passenger side window brings him to. He squints and blinks. STU ( sarcastically ) Ow, that felt good. Oh man, it can’t be morning. How long have I been out? He sees the coins lying on the floorboard. Now, there are only two. He picks them up. STU What the... As his eyes adjust to the bright sunlight, Stu looks out the driver’s side window at his surroundings; white sand. STU This isn’t my house. He turns to the passenger window as surf rolls up to the bus tires. EXT. BEACH - DAY STU ( O.S. ) Oh my God! Stu leaps from the bus passenger door, sloshing into the wet surf. He turns back and forth, confused. He looks up and down the white sand beach for signs of life. He looks from the ocean horizon to the tree line on land. He is all alone. STU This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening! I’m dreaming. I must be dreaming. ( pinches self ) Ow! I don’t get it. FLASHBACK BRAD ( V.O./flashback ) The crazy old fart at the pawn shop said it has magic powers or something. You know, three wishes, that kind of thing. INT. VW BUS - DAY Stu climbs back in and sits in the driver’s seat in shock. STU Three wishes, I don’t believe it... I just don’t believe it. ( then smiling slightly ) I don’t believe it. ( the smile broadens ) I don’t believe it! This is the best birthday present ever! ( looking out the passenger side ) My own private beach, ( turning to the driver’s side window ) on my own private isl...yeow!! A GIANT CEREMONIAL MASK is looking back at him through the driver’s side window. The carved, wooden mask is as big as a coffee table, completely concealing whoever or whatever is wearing it. Stu dives for cover on the floor board, behind his seat. He sits up, with his back against the side wall under the windows. After a moment of heavy breathing, he musters enough courage to ease up and look out the window. There is nothing on the beach in any direction. He looks to the lush, tropical tree line and spots a slight rustling, but the wind picks up and all the bushes and palms begin to rustle. STU I must have hit my head harder than I thought. He looks at the coins in his hand as he climbs back into the driver’s seat. STU Oh man, this is great. He pockets the coins and starts the bus. STU My own private island. Let’s take a little tour. EXT. BEACH - DAY Aerial view of the bus as Stu starts up the beach and seagulls scatter in his path. Stu laughs with excitement as the bus lurches along. STU ( O.S.) Yes! Woo, woo!.... Fantastic. INTERCUT INT. VW BUS / EXT. BEACH - DAY He drives along the surf’s edge sending up a rooster tail of saltwater behind him and taking in the splendor of the island. Stu’s P.O.V.; white sand, crystal clear, blue water, sand pipers, pelicans and a flock of flamingos along the shore, small monkeys and brightly colored parrots in the tall palms and other trees. STU Paradise, this place is paradise. Driving along the coast, Stu spies a school of dolphins jumping off shore. STU That’s beautiful...and that reminds me! He stops the van on the beach and starts rummaging through it as if on a scavenger hunt. Tossing aside useless junk, he finds Tiffy’s makeup carry-case and opens it and pillages through hair spray, blush and eye liner until he finds a box of assorted safety pins. He selects the biggest one. STU This oughta do. Searching further, he finds a big cooler behind the rear seat. He opens it to find only a jumbo, pre-packaged assortment of fireworks; sky rockets, smoke bombs and sparklers. STU Looks like somebody’s planning a big fourth. There is a toolbox next to the cooler. Stu opens it to find an assortment of odds and ends; knife, pliers, tin snips, bungi cords and a big roll of speaker wire. Stu happily grabs up the wire and pliers. STU Perfect. Stu bends the big safety pin into a makeshift fish hook and fastens it through the end of the speaker wire. STU Looks like I’m going fishing today after all. Giddy, he jumps from the bus and runs to the tree line unraveling the spool of wire behind him. He finds a thicket of bamboo, selects the perfect pole and snaps it off at the ground. Next, he runs back to the bus, cuts the wire and secures it to his new fishing pole. STU I’m the man! Just call me Mr. Survival. Stu throws off his shoes and splashes out into the surf. STU Bait! I need bait. He goes back to the bus and spies the McDonald’s fries. CUT TO: Stu in knee high surf, his pants legs rolled up and the order of fries protruding from his shirt pocket. He baits his hook with a fry and casts. STU I sure hope you guys like Mickey D’s. I’ve heard of fly fishing, but never fry fishing. Hey, that’s pretty good...ah, this is the life, just wading in the surf and drowning fries. Yep, today’s the day I catch the big one. Pan to the tree line. Branches part revealing the islander in the big ceremonial mask watching Stu. Series of timelapse shots follow: -Stu casting. -Stu baiting hook. -Stu swatting flies. -Stu sampling a French fry out of boredom and then spitting it out. With each shot, the sun moves further across the sky and Stu’s fry supply grows smaller. C.U. of 25 fries floating in a group about 100 feet off shore. Pan to Stu who is re-baiting his hook. He is down to his last fry, so he breaks it in half and saves part of it in his pocket. STU My last fry and not a nibble all day. Just like back home. ( casting ) I just knew I was gonna catch a whopper today. Maybe I’m using the wrong bait. STU ( continued ) Yeah Stu, everybody knows that in taste tests, fish prefer Burger King to McDonald’s two to one. Of course, whopper - Burger King. Now that’s funny. Why is it that whenever I come up with a real gem, there’s never anyone around to hear it? Stu checks his hook. The bait is gone. He retrieves his last piece of French fry. STU Man, I wish I would catch just one fish. I’m getting pretty hungry. With that he clumsily drops the French fry in the water and a big fish snaps it up! STU Hey!...Oh, that’s just great! So now you like fries. Stu scurries back to the van. STU At least now I know there are fish in this ocean. I guess it just wasn’t feeding time. Come on, there’s got to be something else I can use for bait. He rummages around and finds a fast food bag crumpled up, under the passenger seat. He opens it to find the remnants of a cheeseburger. STU Eureka! While Stu is stooped over, a big shark fin crosses the frame in the water behind him and disappears under the surface. Stu runs back to the water’s edge. He picks up his pole with his back to the water and excitedly baits his hook with cheeseburger. The big fin crosses behind him in the opposite direction and disappears again. STU This oughta catch a fish. Good old, one hundred percent, U.S.D.A. grade A, ground beef...or a reasonable facsimile thereof. He turns, splashes out into the surf and casts with all his might. STU Okay big boys, let’s see you resist this. Stu begins humming and then singing the song Cheeseburger in Paradise. STU ( singing ) Mmm, mmm, mmm. I like mine with lettuce and tomato, Heinz fifty- seven and french fried potato, big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer, good God Almighty, which way do I steer, for my cheeseburger in paradise, just a cheeseburger in para... Wham! The hit on Stu’s line is so forceful that it jerks him from his feet, face down in the surf. He comes up spitting sand and shaking the salt water from his eyes! STU Well all right, this is more like it! A mighty tug of war ensues with Stu making progress a few steps toward the bus and then being pulled a few steps back into the surf. Finally, Stu gets close enough to the bus to wrap his line around the bumper, securing it with several loops. He jumps in the VW bus and starts it up. STU Come to papa! He tries to back up, but makes little progress before the wheels spin in the wet sand. He shuts it down and jumps back out, grabs the taught line and follows it back into the surf. STU I’ve waited all my life for a fish like you. You are not getting away. Chest deep in the water, Stu has just about reached the end when the hooked, GREAT WHITE SHARK rears it’s tremendous, ugly head. P.O.V. from behind Stu looking at the shark. Stu’s frozen frame is dwarfed by comparison, silhouetted against the massive teeth baring monster. The shark crashes back into the water with a thunderous splash and the fin begins to circle a few yards in front of Stu. Stu manages to get his legs working and rigidly starts backing up, trying to utter a single word that he can’t quite get out. STU Sh---, sh---, sh--- As he backs out of the surf onto land he finally gets it out. STU Shit. The VW bus enters the frame, crossing behind Stu, slowly being pulled out to sea by the shark. Stu turns his head to look at the moving bus momentarily, then, still in shock, turns back to the shark. STU ( doubletake ) Whoa, stop, halt! Stu regains his senses and frantically tries to untangle the line from the bumper. No good. He retrieves the pliers to break through the tough wire, but before he can make any progress the bumper pulls loose from the bus and is dragged out to sea. Stu scampers back into the bus and instinctively locks the doors. He sits in the driver’s seat, mesmerized, staring out to sea. Something in the rear view mirror catches his eye. Stu’s P.O.V. reflected in the mirror. There is something stuck in the sand near the tree line. STU What the...? Stu starts the van and goes to investigate. He pulls up and gets out next to the object, a long sharpened pole with a big fish impaled on the end of it. STU How did this get here? ( beat ) Oh, no. FLASHBACK STU ( V.O. / flashback ) Man, I wish I would catch just one fish... FADE BACK TO PRESENT: STU Don’t tell me I wasted a wish on a dumb old fish. Stu pulls out the coins and is relieved to find that he still has two. STU Whew, I didn’t waste one. But, I don’t get it. ( Re: the fish ) If I didn’t wish you here, where did you come from and how do these things work? FLASHBACK Stu cleaning and rubbing the coins in his garage. FADE BACK TO PRESENT: STU That’s it! He quickly rubs one of the coins until it twinkles and then glows. STU Whoa, that is it. Okay, what do I wish for? Wait a minute, two wishes left. I better save these babies for something really important... ( turning his attention back to the fish ) ...like a frying pan. EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Stu is seated on a driftwood log in front of a camp fire, broiling his fish on a bamboo skewer. STU Fish, I don’t know where you came from, maybe you felt so guilty after eating all my fries you just jumped out of the water and impaled yourself on that pole. No matter, cause when next I meet ya, I’m gonna eat ya. Stu laughs at his own pun and takes the fish from the fire to check it. STU Man, I’m hot today. ( burns finger ) Ouch! Push through the flickering flames and past Stu as he gingerly eats his hot meal. Two palm branches part at the tree line behind him and the big ceremonial mask appears again and watches him eat. The menacing mask effectively hides the identity of whoever is behind it. The only part of anatomy visible are the legs from the knees down. Stu finishes his meal, licks his fingers and wipes his hands on his shirt. He lights a cigarette with a stick from the fire. STU Oh man, this is the life. He slides down onto the ground and leans back against the log with his hands behind his head. Stu’s P.O.V. of the starlit sky. STU Just look at those stars. You don’t see stars like this in the suburbs, too many lights. ( yawning ) What should I do tomorrow? ( sarcastically ) Gee, I hope I don’t have to go fishing again. ( beat ) ( snores lightly ) The star lit sky fades to total black. Bolt of LIGHTNING! Crack of THUNDER! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT The campfire is out. A sudden torrent of RAIN pours down. Stu jumps to his feet confused and steps in the steaming embers with his bare feet. STU Ow! He hops around composing himself, limps to the bus and scrambles inside. STU Note to self; build hut! EXT. BEACH - DAY At the tree line, there is a rustling commotion in the thick, tropical undergrowth. Stu emerges from the jungle onto the beach, his face obscured by the armload of palm branches he carries. He lugs them to his van and strategically places them onto a makeshift awning he has constructed on the side of the bus. These last branches complete the bamboo and palm structure. Again the person in the ceremonial mask watches while hiding in the lush jungle growth. Stu stands back to admire his work. STU Just call me Robinson Crusoe. He proudly leans against one of the bamboo supports and the awning collapses. Stu falls in a heap among the palm and bamboo. STU Umph!...Just call me Gilligan. The masked islander shakes his head in disbelief. EXT. BEACH - DAY
Copyright © 2000 Tony Mossor |