An Island Unto Himself (5) STU Sure, it’s a perfect system. TAWNI Always? STU Yeah...well, except for divorces. TAWNI Divorces? STU You know, when a man and wife split up. TAWNI How often does this divorce happen? STU I don’t know, about a third of the time I guess... maybe half... or more. TAWNI Our way is better, no divorces. STU How did I know you were going to say that? Never? Tawni and Tootawni shake their heads in unison. STU Not so much as a legal separation? TAWNI Why would we? We are already separated by miles of ocean. We marry for life, one man, one woman. Our way is better. STU Well I guess someone forgot to tell old Zuell the rules then. Those weren’t sea shells he picked up on the beach you know. I’d say the old boy’s double dippin’ in the land of Nooki Nooki. Tawni slaps Stu hard and runs inside crying. STU Tawni, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Yobo You made Mama cry. When Father returns, he will kill you. Yobo follows after his mother. EXT. BEACH - DAY Stu is sound asleep on a deserted stretch of beach. He is lying on his back, barefoot, with the floppy hat pulled down over his eyes. His head is resting on a driftwood log and his hands are folded on his stomach. Close on Stu, the length of his prone body fills the frame. A CRAB partially enters the frame at Stu’s feet. It is not crawling on the ground but rather is suspended in the air about six inches above the sand. The crab’s closed pincher brushes against Stu’s big toe. Getting no response, it pokes his toe a couple times. Stu’s toe twitches and the crab pulls back. There is snickering O.S. The crab re-enters the frame, this time in it’s entirety. A child’s hand is holding it. Again, it guides the crab’s claw to tickle Stu’s toe. STU ( wiggling his toe ) Mmph. Once more the little hand pulls the crab back. When Stu has grown still, the hand held crab re-approaches. This time the crab decides he has had enough and suddenly clamps down on Stu’s big toe! STU ( bolting upright ) Ow! He comes face to face with two small children, a LITTLE BOY and a LITTLE GIRL! They are red headed and freckled with sunblock slathered across their noses. They are wearing bathing attire and beach shoes. STU, LITTLE BOY, LITTLE GIRL ( in unison ) Ahhh! Also in unison, they all break eye contact and look to Stu’s foot sticking up in the air with the angry crab still attached to his big toe. The children’s eyes grow wide in disbelief at what they have just done. Then they look at each other and run away shrieking laughter at their mischievous deed. Stu gingerly pries the crustacean from his appendage. STU Ow, ow, ow. Then hobbles after the kids. STU Hey, wait a minute! Come back here! The kids disappear over a dune. Stu pursues them. STU ( topping the rise ) Where’d you two come... ( beat ) ...from. Stu’s P.O.V., about a hundred yards on the other side of the rise, there are DOZENS OF PEOPLE on the beach and in the surf. They are enjoying various activities; picnicking, swimming, floating on canvas rafts and paddle boats. There is a CRUISE SHIP anchored off shore. EXT. BEACH - DAY Tight on Stu racing down the beach, huffing and puffing. Pull back to reveal that he is pulling Tawni along behind him. TAWNI Stu Stu, wait. I cannot keep up. STU Just a little further, c’mon! Pull back further to show Yobo, little knife drawn, about fifty feet behind, trying to catch up. Pull back further to show the pudgy Tawnawki about another fifty feet behind. Pull back still further to include the hefty Tootawni, huffing and puffing along. YOBO Wait for me! Close on Stu approaching the rise. Halfway up, he hits the dirt and motions for Tawni to do the same. STU Get down. They’re just over this rise. Tight on Stu as he crawls up the hill guerrilla style. Just as he reaches the crest, Tawni walks past him upright. TAWNI Where? STU Get down! They’ll see you! TAWNI Who will see me? Everyone else arrives and tramples past the prone Stu. YOBO ( brandishing his knife ) Where are they?! Stu runs down to the vacant beach. STU They were right here and the ship was right there! TAWNI I think Stu Stu has been in the sun too long today. TOOTAWNI ( Re: Stu ) I think you are crazy as hell. Stu spies a crushed paper cup in the surf and picks it up. STU I’m not crazy, see? Where do you think this came from? TOOTAWNI Damned tourists. TAWNI ( pointing to a speck on the horizon ) Is that your ship? STU Yeah, there it is! See, I told you. That had to be the biggest ship I ever saw. Of course, that’s the only ship I ever saw... in person I mean. I wonder how far out that is? TAWNI Oh, no. STU What? Tawni takes Yobo and Tawnawki by the hands. TAWNI Come children, hurry! STU What? TAWNI ( retreating ) That boat’s not going out... it’s coming in! STU This place is getting way too crowded. Stu catches up to the others already hiding in the trees. The two mothers are each holding a hand over their respective son’s mouth. They remove their hands but motion for them to stay quiet. STU What’s the big deal? It’s just a cruise ship, a fun boat, they won’t hurt you. TAWNI That is no cruise ship, look. Tawni points to the cabin cruiser fast approaching. STU Okay, so it’s a cabin cruiser, so what? TOOTAWNI Pirates. STU Pirates?! C’mon, you mean like ruthless, raping, killing, rum runners, buried treasure, that kind of pirates? TAWNI No, she means like ruthless, raping, killing, drug smugglers, that kind of pirates. STU Drugs? TOOTAWNI Bad medicine. STU I know what drugs are. TAWNI Shh. Four of the modern day PIRATES make shore in an inflatable outbaord. They carry a wooden crate and shovels. STU ( whispering ) What are they doing? TAWNI Burying their treasure. STU Get outa here. The group watches silently as the pirates dig frantically. PIRATE LEADER Hurry it up, we don’t have much time! PIRATE #2 Deep enough? PIRATE LEADER It’ll have to do. Cover it up and let’s beat it! PIRATE #3 Wait, we have to draw a map! PIRATE LEADER There’s no time for that nonsense. PIRATE #3 But, pirates always draw a map. The leader kicks Pirate #3 in the seat of his pants. PIRATE LEADER I’ll show you pirates! Get back to the boat before I have you drawn and quartered! After covering up the crate, the pirates scramble back to their skiff and start back for the cabin cruiser. Halfway there, the BOAT CAPTAIN yells out to them. BOAT CAPTAIN Hurry it up! I’ve got them on radar. They’ll be in site any minute now! The pirates scurry back on board the cabin cruiser and start back out to the open sea. Another boat comes around the island and intercepts them. LOUDSPEAKER ( V. O. from Coastguard ) Ahoy the vessel, ahoy. This is the United States Coastguard. Stay where you are and prepare to be boarded. TAWNI Who is that? STU The cavalry has arrived! YOBO The cavity? STU The good guys from my world. The Coastguard boat pulls along side the cabin cruiser and a search party boards it. STU Now they’re in for it. The Coastguard Officer, Pirate Leader and Boat Captain ad lib a silent conversation while the boarding party searches the boat for contraband. They are too far out for our heroes to hear them. After a couple of tense moments, the party regroups on deck, empty handed. The Coastguard Officer tips his hat and gestures to the Boat Captain as if to say, sorry for the inconvenience. The Coastguard boat heads out and the cabin cruiser follows. STU I don’t get it. ( stepping out in the open ) Hey! No, don’t leave! ( running to the water’s edge and waving arms ) Those guys are drug dealers! Come back! Tawni and the others catch up to Stu. TAWNI What are you trying to do, get us killed? STU Man, I hate to see guys like that get away with pushing drugs! I have a teenage daughter you know. YOBO Hey, what about the treasure?! STU The treasure! Everyone except Tawni runs to the pile of fresh dug sand and starts scooping with their hands. YOBO I wonder what it is? STU Maybe it’s a trunk full of money! TOOTAWNI Maybe it is a trunk full of gold. YOBO ...or knives and swords! TAWNAWKI ...or food! STU There it is! TOOTAWNI Maybe it is jewels or... Stu brushes the sand off the crate and opens the lid. TOOTAWNI ...dried seaweed? Stu sifts through chopped marijuana. STU This isn’t seaweed. I think it might be pot. TOOTAWNI Pot? STU Drugs. Bad medicine. TOOTAWNI I know what drugs are. TAWNI Put it back. Everyone turns to see Tawni standing behind them, clearly agitated with their actions. STU Let’s get rid of it. Let’s burn it or something. It will serve... TAWNI Put it back! If the pirates come back and find their drugs missing, they will kill us. STU But, they sell this stuff to kids. TAWNI Put it back! EXT. CLEARING - DAY Stu is teaching Tawnawki how to play baseball. Yobo watches from the sidelines. Stu pitches a coconut underhanded. Tawnawki swings his bamboo bat and misses. STU Strike fourteen. That’s okay, try again. Tawnawki hits the next pitch. STU That’s the way! Good job. Hey Yobo, come on, try it. Yobo turns and walks away in silence. INT. TAWNI’S HOUSE - DAY Stu is showing everyone how to make paper hats out of pages from Tiffy’s magazines. Tawni and Tootawni are already wearing their hats and Stu is helping Tawnawki finish his. Everyone is joining in and laughing at their silly creations except Yobo. Stu finishes the hat and plops it on Tawnawki’s head. STU There you go, Little Ton. Okay Yobo, you’re next. Without a word Yobo exits, once again refusing Stu’s attempts to get close. The disappointment shows on Stu. EXT. TAWNI’S HOUSE - DAY Stu is sitting on the porch by himself. He is smoking and whittling a forked stick, putting the final touches on a homemade sling shot. One of the bungi cords from the bus toolbox has been cut and attached to complete the apparatus. Yobo and Tawnawki emerge from the jungle laughing and carrying armloads of grapes in big bunches. They run to the porch. YOBO Mama, Aunt Tootawni, come see what we found! STU Hi Yobo. Hi Little Ton. Tawnawki smiles at Stu but Yobo brushes him off. Stu grabs Yobo’s arm as he passes. STU Whoa there, why the rush? Look, I’ve got a present for you, a toy. Yobo returns Stu’s query with a cold stare. STU Have you ever had a toy before? More silence from Yobo. Stu puts the sling shot in his hand. Stu pulls a duplicate from his back pocket. STU Here Little Ton, I made one for you too. Watch this. Stu plucks a grape from one of Yobo’s bunches. STU See that knot hole on that big tree? Stu takes careful aim and lets the grape fly. STU Bull’s-eye! Just like when I was a kid. Here, you guys try it. Stu gives the second sling shot to Tawnawki and leans forward on the edge of his chair in anticipation. Tawnawki loads his sling shot with a plump, juicy grape, but Yobo just stares at Stu, then throws his sling shot into the jungle, drops his grapes and runs off. At that moment, Tawnawki lets his grape fly, hitting Stu right between the eyes with a splat! Stu fights back the urge to scream and just closes his eyes in surrender. He re-opens them to find the beaming Tawnawki, grinning ear to ear. TAWNAWKI Sling shot is fun. STU Yeah, a real hoot. C’mon, let’s get these grapes inside. They take the grapes into the house. Yobo re-appears from the trees. He creeps over to where he threw the sling shot. Picks it up, smiles and runs off. EXT. TAWNI’S HOUSE - NIGHT Stu is rummaging through the bus. Tawni comes up behind him. TAWNI What are you doing? STU Ahhh! Don’t do that! TAWNI What are you looking for? STU Something to smoke, butts, anything. I ran out of cigarettes. TAWNI Butts? Stu flips open the ashtray in the dash and finds Tiffy’s pipe. STU Eureka, and the bowl’s already packed with tobacco. Thanks, Tiffy. From out of the blue, Tawni pops a question. TAWNI You want to come upstairs, Stu Stu? STU ( stunned ) Up... upstairs? EXT. TAWNI’S HUT - NIGHT Stu and Tawni are on the second floor balcony overlooking the thatch roof below. They are perched on the railing. Stu fires up the pipe. STU I haven’t smoked a pipe in years. I sure am glad I found it though. I was just about ready to waste a magic coin on a carton of Winstons. STU ( continued ) Talk about the high price of cigarettes! TAWNI Magic coin? Stu takes the coins from his pocket. STU Yeah, I’ve got these magic coins, see? Brad gave them to me. I get one wish per coin. Pretty neat, huh? TAWNI You are teasing Tawni. Stu inhales a hit from the pipe and talks through clenched teeth as the drag takes his breath. STU No, I’m serious. How do you think I got here in the first place? TAWNI You are not teasing. STU ( gasping ) Good grief, I forgot just how harsh pipe tobacco can be. TAWNI It smells good. Can I try? STU I guess it won’t hurt anything this once. Just don’t make a habit of it. It’s not easy to quit. They scoot closer together on the railing. Their hands touch as they pass the pipe and they both pause for an instant. Tawni looks deeply into Stu’s eyes, puts the pipe to her lips and takes a slow, seductive drag. Then abruptly coughs uncontrollably. Stu pats her on the back. STU Careful... you okay, hero? TAWNI It doesn’t taste as good as it smells... let me try again. Tawni takes another puff. This one is smoother. STU That’s better. Hey, you’re a natural. They trade drags as they talk. STU Yobo hasn’t come back yet? TAWNI No. STU You must be worried sick. It’s my fault. TAWNI Do not worry about Yobo. This entire island is his home, not just this hut. He often goes off... to think. STU What does an eight year old in paradise have to think about? TAWNI The same as eight year olds in your world I suppose; life, eight year old girls, their fathers - how much they want to be just like them... and how much they don’t want to be anything like them at all. Stu takes another big drag. Feeling the pot, his words start to slur. STU This is kind of nice. Just the two of us, anome... I mean alone, up here on your bathroom balcony. ( beat ) Bathroom?! Stu laughs out loud. He’s getting pretty high. At the same time Tawni isn’t looking so good. She puts the back of her hand to her forehead. STU Watsch wrong? TAWNI I do not know. My head feels dizzy. STU ( still snickering ) Here lean against old Shtu. I got you. Tawni plops against him, abruptly knocking him off balance. He teeters backwards, grasps thin air, falls off the balcony and through the thatch roof below, landing with a thud and a crash. Tawni looks down the hole for a sign of life. TAWNI Stu Stu? STU ( faintly ) ...Yes? TAWNI I’m starving. EXT. BEACH - DAY Tootawni is reclining in a primative Adarondak chair. She is wearing Tiffy’s floppy hat and big sunglasses and reading one of her fashion magazines. Stu is trying to teach Tawnawki how to surf with a big plank of driftwood. He makes little progress before falling off and gives the board to Tawnawki. STU Well, here, you get the idea. I’ve got to go fix the roof. TOOTAWNI Bye, Stu Stu. As Stu leaves, Tootawni settles in with her magazine. P.O.V. over her shoulder at the magazine. She is looking at pictures of fashion models. The page fills the frame, blocking any view of Tawnawki. TOOTAWNI Too skinny. TAWNAWKI ( O.S. ) M... Mama. Tootawni lowers her magazine. Her jaw drops at the site before her; her son is standing on the beach with his surf board and is surrounded by three primative tribesmen, HEADHUNTERS. TOOTAWNI ( Sotto ) Cannibals. The headhunters are grinning broadly at Tootawni as if eyeing their next meal. They are replete with bones through their noses and shrunken heads dangling from their spear shafts. The CANNIBAL CHIEF is short and round. CANNIBAL #2 is tall and skinny. Although none of the three look too bright, CANNIBAL #3 seems especially stupid. He has an eye patch and a peg leg and is missing a couple of fingers. Their makeshift raft with sail is beached nearby. The chief points his spear at Tootawni and grunts, motioning for her to stand and come with them. CANNIBAL CHIEF Mmm! Mmm! Pan to the trees where Yobo watches in silence. EXT. TAWNI’S HOUSE - DAY Stu is on top of a ladder, fixing the roof. He has piled a big stack of dried grass at the foot of his ladder for materials. Tawni climbs the ladder and gives him a drink. TAWNI Here, Stu Stu. Fixing the roof is hot work. STU Thanks. TAWNI ( Re: his fall ) Stu Stu, I think you should quit smoking. It is very dangerous. STU Okay. TAWNI You will?! Just because Tawni asks you?! As she climbs down. STU Just because Tawni asks me. ( Sotto ) Plus the fact that I’ve already smoked up everything within a hundred miles of here. TAWNI Tobacco tastes funny anyway. STU Well, something tells me that wasn’t tobacco we were smoking last night. I think it was marijuana. TAWNI Marijuana? STU Marijuana, you know, pot, grass,
Copyright © 2000 Tony Mossor |