An Island Unto Himself (6) wacky weed, just say no, drugs. I’ve really got to have a talk with Tiffy. TAWNI Drugs?! STU Bad Medicine. TAWNI I know what drugs are... Enter Yobo, breathless. YOBO Mama, Mama! TAWNI Yobo, what is wrong?! YOBO Cannibals, Mama! Cannibals got Tawnawki and Aunt Tootawani! TAWNI Oh, no! Where!? YOBO They have followed the creek upstream past the waterfall. Come, I will show you! STU What’s going on? TAWNI Yobo, wait! Stu Stu, come quick. Cannibals have Tootawni and Tawnawki! YOBO ( disappearing into the jungle ) Hurry, before they eat them! Tawni chases after Yobo. TAWNI Yobo, wait for us! Close on Stu on the roof. STU Cannibals? EXT. HILLSIDE - DAY Stu, Tawni and Yobo are lurking behind a group of trees, watching the cannibals who have made camp in a big clearing on the creek bank, just above the falls. Tootawni and Tawnawki are tied to a stake, back to back. Nearby, the cannibals are making ready to roast them. They have erected two forked branches about eight feet apart so that Tootawni and Tawnaki’s stake can be placed across them like a rotisserie. The round, little chief is now wearing Tiffy’s floppy hat and sunglasses and grunting orders to Cannibal #2. CANNIBAL CHIEF Mm! Mmm! Cannibal #2 in turn, relays the orders to Cannibal #3. CANNIBAL #2 ( pointing to sticks and branches ) Mm! Mmm! Cannibals #2 and #3 start gathering wood and constructing a huge bon fire. #3 is straddling one particularly long branch when #2 picks it up. It is tangled in undergrowth and #2 gives it a big tug, freeing it and inadvertently cracking #3 in the crotch. CANNIBAL #3 Ugh. The Chief and #2 double over in laughter at their friend’s slapstick misfortune. STU ( whispering ) What are they doing? TAWNI Preparing to eat them. STU You’re kidding. ( beat ) You’re not kidding. But where did cannibals come from? TAWNI There is an island far away... STU An island full of cannibals? TAWNI Not anymore. Our men made war with them many Full Moon Festivals ago, wiped them out... we thought. STU Looks like they missed a few. TAWNI Stu Stu, it will be dinnertime soon. STU Okay... I’ve got a plan. ( Sotto ) Or at least I hope to have one before the first course is served. ( to Tawni ) Come with me. YOBO Yobo stays here. STU Oh, no you don’t. I need both of you. Besides, you’re the appetizer. YOBO Appetizer? EXT. TAWNI’S HOUSE - DAY Stu, Tawni and Yobo come down the jungle path. STU Follow me. Stu grabs armloads of the long, dried grass that he had been using to fix the roof. Tawni and Yobo follow his lead. They run to the bus. A series of shots follow as they transform the VW into a terrible long haired monster and day turns to dusk: They wrap the bus with speaker wire and stuff tufts of grass under it creating a coat of thick yellow fur until the bus is covered. They re-mount the stereo speakers in open windows. Stu gets the metal snips from the toolbox and cuts a round hole in the front of the bus. They get one of Tawni’s big ceremonial masks, mount it on the front of the bus and frame it with a mane of dried grass. Stu hangs Tiffy’s black light near the ceiling. Stu gets a can of Tiffy’s hairspray from her makeup case. He shows Tawni how to light it with his Zippo for a makeshift flame thrower. Stu gets Tiffy’s fireworks and shows Yobo how to light them. Lastly, close on Tiffy’s collection of cassettes as Stu searches for just the right one. He selects Jethro Tull’s BUNGLE IN THE JUNGLE. He puts it halfway into the tape deck so that it will be ready when he needs it and starts the van. STU Let’s rock and roll! EXT. CANNIBAL CAMP - NIGHT Yobo appears at the mouth of the trail that empties from the wooded hillside onto the creek bank. He is about one hundred feet from the cannibal encampment. He motions to Tootawni and Tawnawki who are happy to see him. Cannibal #3 is rubbing two sticks together, trying to light the tremendous bon fire they have built. He rubs furiously, but doesn’t seem to be making much progress. Cannibal #2 is grunting encouragement. The Chief is taking a siesta. He is still wearing Tiffy’s sunglasses and has her floppy hat pulled over his face. Hiding behind a tree, Yobo selects a rock, takes aim with his sling shot and fires. The rock misses it’s mark and lands in the creek with a kirsplish. Cannibals #2 and #3 look up but pass it off as a jumping fish and go back to work on the pile of branches. Yobo fires again. The second rock whizzes just over their heads and sticks in the muddy bank nearby. This gets the cannibals’ attention. Cannibal #3 picks it up. He turns to see where it came from just as Yobo lets go with his third shot. This one finds its mark, hitting Cannibal #3 square in his good eye! CANNIBAL #3 ( holding eye, prancing around ) Owee! Owee! TOOTAWNI AND TAWNAWKI ( ad lib cheers of adulation for Yobo ) CANNIBAL #2 Chieftain, awaken , us under attack! The chief bolts upright. The hat is still over his face. CANNIBAL CHIEF Aaah! CANNIBAL #2 What wrong? CANNIBAL CHIEF Chief go blind! CANNIBAL #2 ( removing hat ) Better? CANNIBAL CHIEF Aaah! CANNIBAL #2 Now what? CANNIBAL CHIEF Chief still blind! CANNIBAL #2 ( removing sunglasses ) Better now? CANNIBAL CHIEF Much... Now, what up? CANNIBAL #2 Us under rock attack! Look, him catch one in eye! CANNIBAL CHIEF Not good eye? CANNIBAL #2 Mmm, good eye. The chief and #2 double over in laughter. CANNIBAL #3 Not funny! A fourth rock sings from Yobo’s sling and stings the Chief in the back of the head! CANNIBAL CHIEF Owee! Yobo leaves the safety of his hiding place and runs out into view at the mouth of the trail. YOBO Hey, you leave my family alone! If you are hungry, try and catch me! CANNIBAL CHIEF Get him! Bring him to me! Yobo disappears around a bend with Cannibals #2 and #3 in pursuit. EXT. JUNGLE PATH - NIGHT The disguised VW bus idles in the darkness. STU I feel like a kid at Halloween with the best costume ever. TAWNI Halloween? Yobo rounds a curve heading for the bus. He is running for his life and yelling behind him. YOBO Come and get me, ugly ones! Looking behind, he trips and falls just as the cannibals come into view. Tawni gasps. The cannibals overtake Yobo. STU Oh, no. CANNIBAL #2 Mmm, glad you drop by for dinner. CANNIBAL #3 Now who ugly one? Stu pops in the cassette, cued up to the LION ROAR on Bungle In The Jungle. He manipulates the re-wind and play buttons to repeat the roaring sound effect. CANNIBAL #3 Mmm, what that?! CANNIBAL #2 Mmm, no can see. Too dark. Stu flips on the amber parking lights. They glow through the mouth of the big, wooden, ceremonial mask. He clicks on the black light. Through the windshield it makes the mask’s eyes glow purple. Tawni lights a smoke bomb and places it in the hole that Stu cut in the front of the bus. Smoke billows forth from the monster’s mouth. Finally, Tawni lights a jetstream of hairspray and aims it through the hole. The firebreathing monster comes to life before the cannibals’ eyes! CANNIBALS #2 AND #3 Uh, oh. STU Trick or treat, butt munchers! The cannibals fall all over themselves beating a hasty retreat. They leave Yobo lying in the path as the monster bares down on them huffing smoke and fire. Stu stops the bus next to Yobo and Tawni opens the door for him. TAWNI Yobo! STU You okay, kid? YOBO ( climbing aboard ) Yobo is good. Yobo is very good. EXT. CANNIBAL CAMP - NIGHT CANNIBAL CHIEF ( to Tootawni and Tawnawki ) Look like us have one more for dinner. Mmm, may need bigger fire! ( laughing ) Cannibals #2 and #3 tear back into camp screaming. CANNIBALS #2 AND #3 ( ad libs ) Aah, monster! Run! CANNIBAL CHIEF Where boy? CANNIBAL #2 Evil spirit eat him before us could! Cannibals #2 and #3 run over the chief. Flat on his back, the chief sits up just as the monster appears at the mouth of the trail. It is belching smoke and fire, eyes and mouth aglow. Bungle In The Jungle blares from the speakers. CANNIBAL CHIEF Oh sh’. ( beat ) You guys! Wait for Chief! Yobo uses the bus’s cigarette lighter to ignite the fireworks. That is until the cantankerous lighter gets stuck once again. The monster proceeds to chase the three cannibals around the camp. Sparklers sizzling, fireworks exploding, music reverberating, eyes aglow and spitting fire. They circle the wide eyed Tootawni and Tawnawki, still tied to the stake. CANNIBAL CHIEF, #2 AND #3 ( ad libs ) Aah! Evil spirit! Monster! Stu, Tawni and Yobo laugh, hoot and holler as they chase the trio round and round. Suddenly, everything changes as the thatch covering the bus catches fire from one of the sparklers. The blaze quickly spreads over the dry grass like wild fire. TAWNI Stu Stu, we are on fire! STU I know we’re on fire! I can’t see a thing! The bus runs into the creek with a splash, throwing up a plume of water spray. The music grinds to a halt and the bus stalls. The rear hatch flips open and Cannibal #3 sticks his head in, spear in hand. CANNIBAL #3 Mmm! The cigarette lighter pops out like a gunshot and hits him square in the forehead! He falls flat on his back! CANNIBAL #3 Ugh. CANNIBAL CHIEF ( laughing along with Cannibal #2 ) Mmm, him crack me up! The chief and #2 simultaneously open the two front doors, pointing their spears. CANNIBAL CHIEF Mmm, what we have here? STU Meal on wheels? EXT. CANNIBAL CAMP - NIGHT Close on the shining moon. It is full ( time for the Festival of the Full Moon ). Pan down to Stu, Tawni and Yobo. They are all tied to a common stake next to Tootawni and Tawnawki. Cannibal #3 is once again trying to get the fire started. In addition to his peg leg, eye patch and missing appendages, he now sports a black eye and big red circle in the middle of his forehead. The chief approaches the captives. CANNIBAL CHIEF ( Re: the bus ) Mmm, evil spirit dead! STU Oh, bite me! ( beat ) That’s just an expression. Cannibal #2 goes to help light the bon fire. He hands #3 Stu’s Zippo. Curious #3 takes it apart, gets lighter fluid on his fingers and thumb. Sniffs it, etc. He strikes it... nothing. He strikes it again... still nothing. He strikes it again a third time and his thumb ignites. Ignorant, he just stands there looking at it. Cannibal #2 seizes the opportunity to light a stream of hairspray. Unfortunately, the spray nozzle is aimed directly at #3’s face. Poof, it singes his face and hair black. Cannibal #3 opens his good eye and blinks; one white dot on an otherwise, charred face. STU What’s with Sparky there? CANNIBAL CHIEF Mmm, show proper respect. He mighty warrior, good companion. With chief many seasons. Save chief’s life one time. STU How do you explain the missing leg and fingers? CANNIBAL CHIEF Mmm, faithful companion like that, me no want to eat him all at once. The captives all swallow hard. CANNIBAL CHIEF Kidding! ( he and #2 burst into laughter ) He good entertainment. Clumsy as hell. CANNIBAL #2 Mmm, dumb as dirt. The cannibals finally get the fire going and it roars ominously into the sky. The dancing flames reflect off the captives faces. While the cannibals are busy with the fire, Yobo uses his tiny knife to cut through Stu’s wrist binds. CANNIBAL CHIEF Any last requests before you tickle our tummies from the inside? STU Yeah, I’m dying for a smoke. TAWNI Stu Stu, you promised ( to quit ). STU I really don’t think one smoke will hurt anything at this point. CANNIBAL CHIEF Smoke? STU Yeah, in the evil spirit over there. Get the wooden crate under the back seat. Bring it to me. Cannibals #2 and #3 bring the crate. It is the pirates’ buried stash of marijuana! TAWNI Stu Stu! STU Sorry, I just couldn’t let those smugglers get away with it. TAWNI The pirates will kill us! STU They’ll have to get in line. ( Re: the cannibals ) That’s right fellas, right over here. Cannibal #2 opens the crate. The chief pulls out a handful of pot. CANNIBAL CHIEF Mmm, look like dry seaweed. STU It’s weed alright, the good stuff. CANNIBAL CHIEF Good stuff? STU Ugh, good medicine. ( pointing with his chin ) Look in my shirt pocket. The chief finds Tiffy’s pipe in Stu’s breast pocket. STU That’s my medicine pipe, Chief. Take some of that weed... um, good medicine and put it in the pipe. The chief curiously does as he is instructed. STU Pack it in tight, that’s it. Now, light the end. CANNIBAL CHIEF On fire? STU On fire. The chief tries to light the pipe with Stu’s Zippo, but he can’t quite get the hang of it. STU Here, let me. The chief gives the pipe and lighter to Stu. The other captives hold their breath when Stu reaches for them. Fortunately, the cannibals are too intrigued to notice that his hands are free. Stu lights up and takes a moderate drag. He doesn’t inhale. The cannibals are amazed when he blows out a ring of smoke. CANNIBALS Ahhh. STU Where I come from, that’s what we call a token toke. Made famous by great American Chief, Bill Clinton. ( under breath to Tawni ) No inhaling. Stu offers the pipe to Tawni. She takes a puff and blows it out. TAWNI Mm, good medicine. Likewise to Tootawni. She tentatively takes a puff, considers it, seems to like it and takes another. STU Whoa, Two Ton, slow down there. The chief snatches the pipe from Stu. CANNIBAL CHIEF Chief try medicine. The chief takes a long toke. STU What’d I tell ya? Good stuff, huh? CANNIBAL CHIEF ( throat burning ) Ugh, good medicine. The cannibals pass the pipe, toking deeply. As they get high, Stu puts his arm around the laughing chief. The chief does a double take of Stu’s untied arm around his shoulder, then laughs even harder. STU You know Chiefy, ole buddy, this could open up a whole new world for you. You can give up being a head hunter and just be a head, instead. The chief snickers. STU ( to Cannibal #3 ) Hey Sparky, bring me one of those magazines from the evil spirit, the shiny things with the pretty girls. I want to show you something. EXT. CANNIBAL CAMP - DAY Close on the bonfire that has died to smoldering embers. Pull back to include the rest of the camp. The captives are no longer tied to stakes. In fact, everyone, captives and captors alike, is asleep in various prone and sitting positions. All of the cannibals are holding giant, burned down joints rolled in magazine pages. They have obviously partied all night. Stu and the chief are arm in arm. Cannibal #3 is floating in the creek, flat on his back on Tawnawki’s driftwood surf board. His legs are hanging over either side, dangling in the water. Eyes closed, he takes one more drag from his giant doobie... and gently drifts over the falls! CANNIBAL #3 Aaaaaaah! The scream stirs the other’s awake and they run to the edge of the falls. They look down at their drenched friend below. He vainly tries to get one last puff out of his soaked joint. CANNIBAL CHIEF What I say? CANNIBAL #2 Dumb as dirt. They all laugh. CANNIBAL CHIEF Mmm, I starving. The captives eyes all widen in unison. EXT. WATER FALL - DAY On the creek bank, just downstream of the falls, the cannibals are preparing their raft for departure. Stu, Yobo and Tawnawki load the heavy crate of pot on board. STU There you go Chief, cannabis for the cannibals. The smiling cannibals hug and shake hands with their new found friends and push off. STU B-bye, b-bye and remember, don’t eat any strangers. You never know where they’ve been. ( to Tawni ) For a minute there, I thought I was going to be Stu stew. TAWNI You are Stu Stu. Stu walks back uphill to the camp. Everyone follows. STU Okay, I’ll race everybody back to Tawni’s house. Last one there is a pelican egg! Everyone else bolts for the trail, but Stu grabs Tawni. STU Not you... I want to talk to you. TAWNI Stu Stu? STU I love the way you say my name. As a matter of fact, I love everything about you... and I love this island. I want to marry you and live right here for the rest of my life. TAWNI I will spend the rest of my life on Nooki Nooki. This much is true. But, you... you will begin to miss your world, your children... your Mary. You will leave me one day, as suddenly as you came to me. STU No, I’ll prove it! Stu takes the remaining, two, magic coins from his pocket and throws them into the creek under the cascading falls. There is stunned silence between them as they watch the keychain and coins sink out of sight. TAWNI That was really stupid. We are both married to other people, remember. STU I’ll file for divorce! Stu ducks into the bus and returns with pen, scrap paper, an empty soda bottle with twist top. STU See, watch this! Stu scribbles as he talks. STU To: Mary Stewart, fourteen - 0 - five Melody Lane, Dayton, Ohio. I, Oscar Stewart... TAWNI Oscar? STU Nevermind... do hereby divorce my wife, Mary. Nothing personal Mary, I’m just tired of being taken for granted. It’s become painfully obvious to me that you really don’t care much about me, my wants, my needs one way or the other. You can have the house, the car and the kids, especially the kids and that mangy fleabag, Manny. Love, Stu, your ex-husband. Stu pauses for a moment, staring at the title ex-husband. Then he rolls up the note and seals it in the bottle with the address showing and tosses it into the creek. It bobs over the falls and floats downstream. STU There, all divorced. TAWNI No regrets? STU Nope. TAWNI There’s just one problem. Zuell. STU Don’t worry about that. I’m gonna have a little talk with your old man, next time he shows. TAWNI ( walking off ) He will kill you. STU But, Tawni... Tawni turns back to face Stu. TAWNI Do you not understand?! I am married! There is no such thing as divorce in my world... and who said I would change that if I could? She runs into the jungle. TAWNI ( Sotto ) Besides, you never asked. Pan to Yobo who has been watching the whole time from behind a group of trees. EXT. TAWNI’S HOUSE - DAY
Copyright © 2000 Tony Mossor |