An Island Unto Himself (7) The hut is deserted. Stu emerges from the trail from the waterfall. STU Tawni? Tawni? Anybody? Squawker flies over to Stu and lands on his shoulder. SQUAWKER Awk, nobody home. STU Hey Squawker, where is every... YOBO ( O.S. ) Stu Stu! Help, Stu Stu! Yobo enters from the direction of the beach. He is frantic! He runs to Stu’s open arms. STU Yobo, what’s wrong?! YOBO Pirates, Stu Stu! They have come back ( beat ) and they have Mama, Tootawni and Tawnawki! STU The pirates? Oh man, I bet they’re pissed! YOBO They will kill us! Stu seems confused and scared. He let’s go of Yobo and starts backpedaling slowly, awkwardly. YOBO Stu Stu, you must come with me. We must try to save Mama. Stu Stu? STU The pirates... oh, no. Stu turns and runs back toward the falls. YOBO What are you doing?! Come back! Stu Stu?... Yobo will save Mama. ( Sotto ) I don’t need you. ( crying ) I hate you. EXT. BEACH - DAY The pirates have Tawni, Tootawni and Tawnawki. The captives are sitting on the sand next to the empty hole where Stu dug up the crate of pot. The pirates’ cabin cruiser is anchored off shore and their skiff is on the beach. PIRATE LEADER ( over bullhorn, toward tree line ) Now hear this, maties! You have something of mine and I want it back! Ironically, it seems I have something of yours as well. Maybe we can make a little trade. No hurry, I’m a patient man. I’ve got all the time in the world. However, your friends here, I’m afraid they aren’t as patient as I. It seems they don’t have much time to squander. You might say, their time’s about to run out altogether. You decide. The Pirate Leader throws a shovel at the captives! PIRATE LEADER Dig! Yobo watches from the tree line. Series of time lapse shots of the captives taking turns digging follows. They dig until the hole is big enough to hold the three of them. PIRATE LEADER We can take it from here. The pirates push the captives, forcing them into the hole and proceed to fill it back in with sand until they are all buried up to their necks. PIRATE LEADER ( over bullhorn ) Okay natives, time to get restless. The tide’s coming in. It’s now or never if you want to save your friends! Yobo watches, clutching his sling shot in one hand and as many rocks as he can clench in the other. He leaves the safety of the trees, takes a deep breath and starts running up the beach toward the pirates and buried captives. YOBO Aaaaaaaah! The pirates turn to see what the commotion is. PIRATE #3 Look. Yobo’s P.O.V. everyone turns to look at him. Suddenly, from off camera, a chant reverberates over a loudspeaker. Music up: Ooga chucka, ooga chucka, ooga, ooga, ooga chucka! It is the beginning of the song HOOKED ON A FEELING by Blue Suede, blaring over the VW bus’s speaker system. Yobo stops and turns to see the bus roaring out of the jungle onto the beach and heading his way! Stu is driving. Squawker is perched on his shoulder. The cannibals are also along for the ride. The canvas sunroof is rolled open and three spears protrude up through the opening. Stu and the cannibals are painted for war with Tiffy’s makeup. They pull up next to Yobo and Stu opens the door. STU Hey, kid. YOBO The cavity has arrived, Stu Stu? STU Yeah kid, the cavity has arrived. ( as Yobo scrambles aboard ) Let’s kick some buccaneer booty! Music up : Ooga chucka, ooga chucka, ooga, ooga, ooga chucka! The bus bears down on the pirates as the first waves of high tide begin to wash around the captives necks. Stu chases the pirates around the beach as Yobo pelts them with rocks from his sling shot. Through an open window, the chief lights up their posteriors with blasts from the hair spray blow torch. The other two cannibals jab and poke with their spears and Stu beans them with coconuts! Yobo and Cannibals #2 and #3 climb to the roof, via the sunroof, to continue the assault. Pirate #3 manages to jump onto the side of the bus. Climbing up and using an open window for a foothold, he grabs Yobo! Seeing this, the Chief grabs the pirate’s leg through the window. He pulls up his pants leg and chomps down on his ankle! Pirate #3 falls off the bus and lands face down in the sand! PIRATE #3 Ouch! CANNIBAL CHIEF Needs salt. In the commotion, Stu drives right over the buried captives heads. TAWNI, TOOTAWNI AND TAWNAWKI ( ad libs ) Look out! Aaaah! Stu slams on the brakes and Cannibal #3 tumbles off the rooftop and lands with a splash in the rising surf! The remaining two cannibals, Yobo and Stu pull Tawni to safety through the big hole in the bus floor. Next they pull Tawnawki to safety. Finally, it takes a joint effort from everyone to pull the hefty Tootawni inside. PIRATE LEADER ( drawing a concealed pistol ) I’ve had enough of this crap! The scattered pirates regroup and come back after Stu and the gang. STU Hang on! Stu throws the bus in reverse and floors it! STU Man, I could sure use those magic coins about now! The downed Cannibal #3 chases after them and the pirates all chase after him. #3 manages to catch up and jump on the front bumper mount. Still in reverse, the bus disappears over a dune. The pirates top the rise to find the bus parked. Stu, Tawni and the others are all standing next to it, smiling broadly. Squawker sits on Stu’s shoulder. SQUAWKER Awk, poopheads. Behind our heroes, the beach is covered with hundreds of outriggers and island men returning for the Festival of the Full Moon. Their families are coming out of the jungle to greet them. PIRATE #3 Let’s get outa here! PIRATE LEADER Come back here, cowards! The pirates beat a hasty retreat. When the island men take chase, the Pirate Leader decides he better join his men. As a matter of fact he passes them on the way back to the skiff! The pirates almost make it back to their anchored boat but one of the island men’s spears finds its mark and punctures the inflatable skiff. The pirates have to swim the rest of the way. Stu and the others catch up to the island men in the VW as the pirates weigh anchor. Tootawni and Tawnawki jump out and embrace Tawnawki’s father. Tawni hugs Zuell. Stu just sits in the driver’s seat with his door open facing the others. TAWNI Oh Zuell, my husband! We are so happy to see you! STU ( Sotto ) Couldn’t be happier. ZUELL Zuell is happy to see Tawndalayia. Missed Tawni. TAWNI You saved us! STU I had everything under control. ZUELL ( Re: Stu ) What is this? TAWNI This is... STU I can speak for myself. ( offering a handshake ) Oscar Stewart, I’m a friend of your wife. ZUELL I will kill you. STU Great. This is just great. I survive sharks, crabs, tourists, hungry cannibals and pissed off pirates just to be killed by a jealous husband... With one punch, Zuell knocks Stu cold! TAWNI Zuell no, he has been taking care of Yobo and me while you were away! ZUELL A man, here on Nooki Nooki,... with you? Now I really kill him. Zuell draws a long knife. It looks just like Yobo’s knife, only bigger. Yobo breaks through the crowd and discreetly puts something in his mother’s hand, then grabs Zuell’s arm. He pulls and tugs for his father’s attention. YOBO Father, look. Look, I still have the knife you made for me, see? I have taken good care of it. Zuell turns his attention toward his persistent son. YOBO See? I have used it every day, just like you showed me! Tawni takes advantage of this distraction. She opens her hand to find the object that Yobo put there; the magic coins! She rubs one furiously and talks to the unconscious Stu. TAWNI Stu Stu? I think you must go home now. Stu Stu, it is for the best. Besides, I could never love an Oscar. The coin sparkles and glows as she puts it in his hand and closes his fingers around it. Holding his hand, she closes her eyes and mouths a silent wish. As Stu and the VW bus start to fade, she reaches in and kisses him on the forehead. TAWNI I love you, Stu Stu. STU ...what? Wait... Stu and the bus disappear as Zuell turns back around. The islanders gasp in disbelief. ZUELL Huh, where did man go? TAWNI What man? ZUELL Man in big orange thing. TAWNI Big orange thing? ( to Yobo, Tootawni and Tawnawki ) Did you see a big orange thing? They all avert their eyes away from Zuell and shake their heads no. An ELDERLY ISLAND MAN blows a conch shell horn. ELDERLY ISLAND MAN Let the Festival of the Full Moon begin. The island families start forming up and moving off into the jungle for their respective homes. Zuell searches the sand for signs of the departed bus. He looks under a sea shell. TAWNI Zuell? It is Festival, Zuell. Did you not miss Tawndalayia? ZUELL Zuell miss Tawndalayia very much. ( sweeping her off her feet ) Come! TAWNI ( jumping down ) Not so fast! First there are going to be some changes around here. Tawni grabs him by the ear and leads him away. ZUELL Changes? TAWNI No more separate islands for Tawndalayia and Zuell. No more... Yobo catches up on the other side of his father and takes his hand and the three go off to live happily ever after. EXT. STEWART HOUSE - NIGHT Light spills from the front windows onto the lawn giving a cozy effect. Suddenly the quiet is shattered by a loud crash inside the garage. The crash is followed by the VW bus’s horn sounding continuously. The Stewarts’s porch light clicks on. Brad, then Mary, then Tiffy come out the front door. Tiffy is eating a big piece of chocolate cake with a single birthday candle. She carries an empty glass in her other hand. MARY What on earth? Brad runs toward the garage. BRAD In here! MARY Brad, wait... ( too late ) Oh, dear. BRAD ( O.S. ) Mom,... Dad’s home. MARY Stu? Mary and Tiffy run into the garage. INT. STEWART GARAGE - NIGHT Mary and Tiffy join Brad in the garage. They find the bus smashed head on into Stu’s workbench. One of the headlights is broken and the other is pressed against the workbench but it emits enough light to silhouette the bus. Stu is slumped over the steering wheel. Brad opens the driver’s door and pulls Stu off the horn. BRAD Dad? Mary flips on the garage light. MARY Careful, Brad. STU ( groans ) Note to self, install air bag. MARY Stu? Brad runs around and climbs in through the sliding side door as Stu comes to. MARY Stu, are you all right? Mary and Brad see the war paint on Stu’s face. MARY What happened to you? BRAD Whoa, cool! TIFFY ( with cake and glass ) Daddy, thank God you’re home. Did you get the milk? Brad reaches across Stu to taunt Tiffy with a leftover coconut. BRAD Here bonehead, milk this. TIFFY Brat! MARY Children... TIFFY What happened to my bus?! It’s trashed! As his family fusses, Stu notices for the first time just how much the hula girl figurine on the dash looks like Tawni. FLASHBACK The hula dance Tawni performed for Stu. Stu drifts back to reality and snaps the figurine from the dash. TIFFY Hey! Brad discovers Yobo’s slingshot on the floorboard. BRAD Hey, cool! STU You like it? BRAD It’s the bomb! STU Then it’s yours. BRAD You mean it? Thanks Dad! ( hugging Stu ) This is the coolest thing you ever gave me! MARY Children, please, go in the house so I can talk to your father. TIFFY But my bus... MARY ( uncharacteristically firm ) I said right now, missy! TIFFY Well! Tiffy turns and exits. Brad follows. He pulls back the empty sling shot and lets it go rendering a stinging crack on Tiffy’s behind. Then he runs past her for the safety of the house. TIFFY Ow! You little brat! Stu and Mary are finally alone. STU The kid’s got a computer, video games and every baseball card ever printed and he thinks that rag-tag slingshot is the coolest thing I ever gave him. Go figure. I guess your macaroni bake was a big bust, huh? You know, without the milk. MARY You silly. I wasn’t making macaroni bake. I really needed the milk for your birthday cake. STU What? MARY I saved you a piece in the freezer. STU That’s nice, thanks. MARY I’m afraid Tiffy’s eating it. STU I thought you forgot my birthday. MARY That was the plan. It was all I could do to keep from spilling the beans. It was going so well, too. When you left for the store, all your friends snuck into the house to surprise you when you got back. STU What? MARY Everyone was here; Mike, Kimmy, the Moores, your parents... only you never got back. It really put a damper on the party. STU I can imagine. Stu and Mary exit the garage for the house. Stu opens his hand. He is still holding the keychain with the sole remaining coin. He considers it briefly, reflecting. MARY What’s that? STU What? Oh, just something I don’t need anymore. Stu drops the trinket in the trash can, takes Mary’s hand and walks toward his house. STU It’s great to be home, Mary MARY It’s great to have you home, Stu. Anyway, you’ve got a ton of thank you cards to write. I’m afraid the kids already opened your presents. ( ascending the front steps ) Oh my, and we have to call the police and tell them we found you. Do you know that they laughed at me when I told them you just went out for milk and never came back? What happened to you, anyway? STU It’s a long story. They enter the house out of view, leaving the door ajar. MARY ( O.S. ) I’m so glad you’re back, honey. ( beat ) Here’s a list I’ve been saving for you; fix the back door, edge the walk, paint the den,... Manny the Cocker Spaniel, trots up the front steps and disappears through the open door. O.S., Manny growls and snarls continuously. TIFFY ( O.S. ) Manny no, it’s just Daddy! MARY ( O.S. ) ...trim the hedge... TIFFY ( O.S. ) It’s Daddy, Manny. Remember Daddy? MARY ( O.S. ) ...of course the washer is still broken... BRAD ( O.S. ) Hey Dad, watch this! With that a rock crashes through the window ( from the slingshot ) and rolls to a stop on the front lawn. MARY ( O.S. ) ...replace front window. Stu exits the front door with haste, goes directly to the trash can, retrieves the magic coin and goes back inside. EXT. STEWART HOUSE - DAY A rejuvenated Oscar Stewart exits the front door and passes the mailman halfway down the steps. STU Morning Sam. MAILMAN Morning, Mr. Stewart. Stu’s eyes bulge and he does a double take. Along with the usual bundle of mail, the mailman is carrying a message in a bottle; Stu’s divorce decree! Stu grabs it. STU I’ll take that one, Sam. Stu climbs in the family car and adjusts the mirrors, seat, etc. STU It’s good to have you back old friend. Ah, power windows, leather seats... Stu drifts into thought. EXT. VW BUS - DAY Stu is driving the old bus to work. He has a big smile on his face as the scorched vehicle lurches along. He pulls up to infamous school crossing. The crossing guard stops him to let the children across. Once again the little hellions give him looks of contempt and disdain. Stu hits the play button on the stereo and it blasts out the lion’s roar from Bungle In The Jungle! The children scream and scatter! INT. OFFICES OF FISHER AND FISHER - DAY Stu places the hula figurine on top of his computer monitor. KIMMY ( O.S., behind Stu ) Stu Stu, you’re back! Stu’s mouth drops open. He turns around. STU What did you call me? For the first time Kimmy is wearing her hair down, sans eyeglasses. Stu sees the striking resemblance she bears to Tawni. Mike enters the frame. MIKE Well, well, the prodigal employee returns. Nice tan. STU ( ignoring Mike ) There’s something different about you, Kimmy. KIMMY Yeah, I thought I’d try wearing my hair down for work. You know, not so formal. Oh, and I got contacts! You like them? MR. FISHER ( O.S., clears throat ) Ahem. Pull back to include Mr. Fisher. MR. FISHER If it’s not too much bother, this is a work place, not a social club. ( tapping watch ) It’s nine - o - five, you’re on my time now. STU Mr. Fisher. MR. FISHER Stewart, I’m used to you goldbricking on company time, but now it seems you are becoming a negative influence on your co-workers as well. Get to work! You’ve been on leave for over a week, unauthorized I might add! I think your wife was covering for you. By the way, nice tan. Be in my office after work. It’s my turn to get some of your time. Mr. Fisher goes into his office and slams the door! MIKE Okay...you’ve been back five minutes and old sharky has already taken a bite out of you. So it seems things are back to normal around here. What’d you do on vacation old buddy? STU ( fixed on Fisher’s door ) The usual, survived attacks by pirates, headhunters and a real shark. It kind of put things in perspective. Stu heads for Fisher’s office, magic coin in hand. He rubs it as he walks. It glows! KIMMY Stu? MIKE Stu... don’t do it. Stu bursts into Mr. Fisher’s office! STU Mr. Fishbreath! I have something to say to you! MR. FISHER Now, see here... STU No, you see here! Stu slams the door behind him! After a pause, the door re-opens and Stu emerges and closes the door behind him. Kimmy and Mike are waiting for him. KIMMY Everything all right, Stu? STU Never better. Kimmy, have I ever told you how good it is for a middle aged, family man like me to have a pretty, young, female friend like you to unload my problems on? You’re something special, a true friend, thanks. MIKE What am I, chopped liver? KIMMY I think you’re special too, Stu. Now, what happened in there?! STU Let’s just say I finally put old man Fisher in his place. EXT. REMOTE ISLAND - DAY Close on Mr. Fisher in a big, black stew pot. He is treading broth, neck deep. Mr. FISHER Don’t just stand there you lazy bunch of goof offs. Get me out of here! Mr. Fisher continues ad libbing his harangue. Pull back to include our three friends, the cannibals. They are each holding a half smoked, giant joint, wrapped in magazine pages. Baffled by the sudden appearance of Mr. Fisher in their stew pot, they exchange curious looks through half closed eyelids. The End.
Copyright © 2000 Tony Mossor |