Secret Asian Man (10) Neeko : You know him? Patel : We’ve met. Neeko : ( re: the guns that the two guards carry ) Nice guns. Nemisis : How kind of you to notice. The handgun is a blue diamond laser. I developed it myself. As a matter of fact, that’s how Diamonique here came by the hole in his forehead. Asia : You shot him? Nemisis : Ricochet, most unfortunate accident. The rifle is a shrink ray. Neeko : Get out here. There’s no such thing. Nemisis : Really, how do you think Diamonique got so small? Neeko : What you think he is, human target?! Nemisis : ( to Patel ) Get them something decent to wear to dinner. ( to Neeko and Asia ) We dress for dinner and we dine promptly at 8:00. My babies launch at midnight, by dawn the world will be mine. Pity you will have to miss that part. Patel and his men board them onto a small hovercraft. They start to pull away. Nemisis : By the way, the chef will want to know your dinner selections. Neeko : We get to choose? Nemisis : Tradition old boy, the condemned always choose their last meal. Laughing at Nemisis’s morbid sense of humor, Patel and the guards drive off with Neeko and Asia. They disappear down a corridor. Nemisis : Strange fellow, that Linguine. Diamonique : Well, he is Italian you know. INT, beautifully appointed suite/prison cell, underground. There is a bottle of champagne chilling next to a big, satiny bed. The door opens and Patel ushers Neeko and Asia into their cell. Two female valets bring fresh clothes on hangers and lay them out on the bed. For Neeko; black tux and tie and patent leather shoes. For Asia; a strapless, blue, sequined gown with matching heels and a wrap. Patel : I trust you will find everything to your satisfaction. If not, don’t hesitate to make your needs known. After all, we do want your final hours to be as comfortable as possible. laughing as he exits, he stops to give final orders to the two guards ) Post yourselves here and bring them to the dining room promptly at 8:00. Guard #1 : Yes, sir. ( shuts and bolts the door ) Neeko : What do you think? Asia : Hopeless, there are no windows and these walls are solid steel, just like the door. It must be 6 inches thick, ( looking through door peep hole ) not to mention Laurel and Hardy from hell. None of the ventilation ducts are big enough to crawl through either. Neeko : What about ceilring? They look up to a suspended ceiling of rectangular panels. Asia : I don’t believe it. How could they be so careless? Stepping onto the big bed, she removes one panel, only to find iron bars running the length of the ceiling. Asia : Of course,...well that’s that. Neeko : ( sitting on the bed and leaning back against the headboard ) Hopeless? Asia : Hopeless. ( slumping down on the bed next to him ) Lieutenant Linguine, before we die, there is one thing I have to know....What really happened that night in the royal harem? Neeko : ....Nothing. Asia : Nothing? Neeko : Routine stuff, you know, I was attacked by a man eating tiger, then I srept with the harem girls. Asia : What?! Neeko : I mean, I didn’t sreep, sreep with them, I just srept, srept with them. ( noticing the chilling champagne ) Hm, we never did get to drink our champagne at the Rodge Helvetia, remember? Asia : Well, it was difficult to swallow with that cork lodged in your throat. Neeko : ( starting to laugh ) It has been memorablre week. Asia : Definitely something to tell our grandchildren about one d.... ( trailing off as she remembers their impending execution ) Neeko : I think it onlry fitting that memorablre week be capped off by memorablre evening. ( looking into her eyes ) What do you think? Asia : I think I thought you’d never ask. Returning Neeko’s gaze, they melt together in a long kiss. Asia : Just let me freshen up first. Asia hops from the bed and takes her blue gown into the adjoining bathroom. Leaving the door ajar, she hangs her gown on a hook and strips down to lacy bra and panties. CUT BACK TO: Neeko, uncorking the champagne. Neeko : Hurry my darlring. BACK TO: Asia, who is looking in the bathroom mirror, freshening her makeup. She pulls a tube of makeup from her discarded shorts, but it turns out to be the tube of Weld Tight. She tosses it into the wastebasket. Asia : A lot of good you’ll do me now. She gets the real lipstick and applies it. There is a POP and a CRASH from the bedroom as Neeko uncorks the champagne. Neeko/V.O. from bedroom : I’m okay! Smiling, Asia takes down her gown and removes the hangar. She places the hangar back on the hook and holds the dress up to herself to admire in the mirror. Asia : ( to self ) And to think that blue used to be my favorite color. With that, she drops the dress in a heap on the wastebasket and exits the bathroom in her lingerie. BACK TO: Neeko. He is leisurely sipping champagne and nearly chokes at the sight of Asia re-entering the room. His mouth opens, but he is speechless. Champagne dribbles down his chin. Asia comes to him and sits on the edge of the bed. Asia : Is everything all right? Neeko : ...................Ruvree. Trembling, he embraces her. They kiss and slowly lie back on the bed without breaking their embrace. SUDDENLY, Asia bolts upright in the bed! Asia : I’ve got it. ( leaping from the bed ) Quick, give me your pants! Get dressed! Neeko : What?!.......How can I give you my pants and get dressed? Asia grabs his tuxedo pants and pulls them from the hangar. She throws them to Neeko and they wrap around his face. She grabs his jacket and runs into the bathroom like a wild woman. Neeko sits on the bed dumfounded w/pants around his head. Neeko : I hate when this happen. Asia reappears from the bathroom, barefoot and putting on the blue gown as she goes. She has collected all four hangers from the tux jacket and pants, her gown and her wrap and she has retrieved the Weld Tight. Asia : Put your pants on and follow me! ( handing two hangers to him ) Here, straighten these. Asia also straightens her hangers. Next, she places a sizzling drop of ready weld onto the tip of one hanger and fuses it to the end of the other, thus creating one long rod about 6 feet long. She repeats the process with Neeko’s 2 hangers and then bends both rods into a U shape. Next, she removes the ceiling panel that is directly above their cell door. This panel extends to the other side of the door, above the guards. Asia puts a steaming dab of Weld Tight on the end of each U shaped rod. Asia : Follow my lead. They press their heads together to look through the peep hole. Simultaneously, they maneuver the bent hangers up through the iron bars and back down on the other side of of the door. Gingerly they maneuver until the tips of the rods are dangling just above the guard’s heads. Neeko’s hanger is just above the guard with the shrink ray. A drop of Weld Tight drips onto the guard’s hand and sizzles. He yelps in pain! Instantly, Asia snaps the treated tip of her hanger onto the other guard’s laser pistol! It welds instantly and she snatches it out of his hand, back up through the ceiling and catches it on the other side. Quickly, she bends the hanger back and forth until it breaks off. The two guards burst into the room and Guard #1 takes aim at Neeko with the shrink ray rifle. Neeko grabs a couch cushion to shield himself. The guard fires and shrinks it to the size of a pin cushion! Asia returns fire with the laser pistol. She fires two shots, instantly burning a hole through the heart of each guard. She grabs up the shrink ray rifle and hands it to Neeko. Asia : Come on, we’ve got to stop Nemisis! They commandeer the hover craft and speed off down the corridor with Neeko driving. He alternately scrapes one side of the corridor and then the other, nearly running down guards and workmen as they go. Guards shoot lasers at them and Asia returns their fire. CUT BACK TO: Nemisis’s office. Nemisis is at his desk holding his miniature flying wing. He plays with it like a child. Nemisis : Swoosh,......swoosh. Alarms sound throughout the complex. Enter Patel, bursting into the room. Patel : Master Nemisis, the prisoners have escaped! Nemisis : Imbeciles! Bring me the guards responsible! Patel : They are both dead, sir. Nemisis : Dead? Lucky for them. You do realize someone must be held accountable, don’t you? Patel : Yes, Master. Nemisis : You are the captain of the guard.....so you are responsible. Patel : Yes, Master. Nemisis raises a handgun/shrink ray and takes aim. Patel : Master, no! Nemisis blasts him with a crackling, erratic, blue ray, shrinking him to Diamonique’s size. Enter Diamonique. Patel ( Munchkin voice ) : Master! ( running past Diamonique, he exits ) Nemisis : ( looking at gun ) Damn, I thought this was a laser. Diamonique : What are your orders, Mr. Nemisis? Nemisis : We will launch the craft ahead of schedule. Prepare them for take off. We can ill afford to wait with Neeko on the loose. BACK TO: the hover craft. Nemisis’s men dive for cover as Neeko and Asia fly throughout the corridors banging against the walls. Neeko and Asia : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! EXT, the baseball stadium, nighttime. The game is over and everything is dark and deserted. Suddenly, the towers of lights come on, one by one. Clunk! Clunk! Clunk! They bathe the stadium in light as the dome begins to open. The playing field simultaneously opens revealing a giant hole 20 stories deep. Starting at ground level and proceeding down, the gaping edifice also lights up, down, down, down, one level at a time. The camera follows the descending rings of light down the broad shaft until it reaches the 3 ships; The Alpine Azure, The Star of Tazmar and The Stone of the Blue Krishna. The ground crews are frantically preparing for takeoff. V.O. Loudspeaker : ......final countdown to liftoff for The Star of Tazmar. Destination, the Americas. T-minus one minute and counting. Subsequent liftoff of The Alpine Azure will follow in exactly five minutes. Subsequent liftoff of The Stone of the Blue Krishna in ten..... Meanwhile, two crewmen hurriedly exit The Star of Tazmar via a ramp. The ramp closes and the engines power up as the workmen frantically detach cables and hoses and throw them clear. CUT BACK TO: Nemisis’s office. Diamonique stands at the great window and observes the commotion below. Nemisis is seated at his desk working three separate keyboards, controlling the unmanned ships. Nemisis : At long last, soon my ambitions will be realized and I alone will be supreme dictator of the world. Diamonique : ( to self ) You always were a big dic. V.O. Loudspeaker : .....four, three, two, one, lift off. ( Nemisis hits the take-off button ) CUT BACK TO: The Star of Tazmar. A cloud of dust swells from underneath as the ship’s engines reach full thrust. It trembles momentarily, then slowly rises from the floor. Pan to Neeko and Asia who are peeking around a stack of pallets and equipment. Neeko and Asia : Uh-oh. BACK TO: the baseball field/above, nighttime. The Star of Tazmar comes into view, rising from within the earth’s womb. It continues skyward, toward the open dome. EXT, above the domed stadium, nighttime. The wing continues its vertical ascent until it clears the dome. It turns and in a flash, streaks westward.....toward the Americas! BACK TO: the hanger floor. V.O. Loudspeaker : Lift-off of the Alpine Azure in T-minus 3 minutes, 12 seconds. Neeko : Now what? Neeko has the laser pistol tucked in his tux trousers. Asia hands him the shrink rifle, too. Asia : Cover me. Neeko : Wait! Too late, Asia makes a bee line for The Alpine Azure. Using her tube of Weld Tight, she applies a drop everywhere a metal part of the ship touches the steel floor; footings, cables, landing gear, etc. After firmly gluing the Azure to the hangar floor, she heads for The Stone of the Blue Krishna but is detected by the guards. Lieutenant of the Guard : Stop her! Neeko lays down a crackling blue line of shrink ray in her defense, shrinking crates, equipment, hover craft, etc. The guards return fire and hit a drum on the other side of the hangar. The drum explodes and turn sets off more explosions. Asia flies into action! She uses the last drops of her ready weld to fuse two guards together with their belt buckles. One crewman attacks her with a lit welding torch and she fuses him to a large piece of metal equipment by his acetylene tanks, strapped to his back. Utilizing polished martial arts skills, she effectively immobilizes the guards, one by one. However, she runs out of Weld Tight before even starting on The Stone of the Blue Krishna. An errant shot from Neeko’s shrink ray hits the Blue Krishna and it shrinks by 10%. Suddenly everyone stops as if frozen in time and stares. Pan upstairs to Nemisis. He watches, concerned. Nemisis/V.O. Loudspeaker : Stop him before he destroys everything! Neeko blasts the ship again, and again it shrinks a little. The guards try to get to him but he holds them off John Wayne style with both guns. Neeko blasts The Blue Krishna again and again until it is the size of a toy plane. The lieutenant of the guard reaches down and picks it up. Neeko squeezes off one last shot. Click, the shrink ray is out of ammo. CUT BACK TO: Nemisis in his office. V. O. Loudspeaker : Alpine Azure liftoff in T-minus one minute, eight seconds. Nemisis and Diamonique watch the commotion below with great concern. Showers of sparks rain down and scatter on the floor below. Pull back to capture the images of explosions and rising clouds of billowing smoke reflecting on the glass wall before them. Explosion after explosion are reflected. Suddenly, Neeko and Asia appear before them, rising up on the floating platform. They jump through the transparent wall, into the office. Neeko is carrying the shrunken Stone of the Blue Krishna airship in his hand. Neeko : So! It rook rike we have foil your evilra attempt to rule the world! Nemisis : Hardly, Lieutenant Alfredo Luigi Linguine of Interpol. I can still easily overtake all this world’s governments. It will simply take a little longer with two ships instead of three. Nemisis uses his keyboard to throttle up the Alpine Azure for take-off. From their POV in Nemisis’s office, the craft’s engines increase thrust as it whines and labors to lift off in spite of the Weld Tight that secures it fast to the steel floor. It rumbles and vibrates, shaking violently. With a final groan from the power plants, it gives up the ghost, erupting into a giant ball of fire. A big, blue ball of smoke rises up the shaft of the hangar, passing Nemisis’s office. Nemisis is enraged! Nemisis : You two meddlers will pay for this! Using the third control console, Nemisis fires up the, now miniature, Blue Krishna. It jumps from Neeko’s hand and circles the room, turning back to attack. It dive bombs them repeatedly. Asia swats at it with karate chops. A small door opens and extends a tiny laser cannon. Frantic, Neeko bumbles to pull the laser pistol from the waistband of his pants. It misfires and blasts a smoldering hole right through the front of his pants. Cowardly, Nemisis pulls Diamonique in front of himself as a human shield. Neeko manages to draw the laser pistol, but his finger is stuck in the trigger guard. Nemisis grabs the joystick from his desktop and readies the Blue Krishna to fire. Likewise, Neeko struggles with his laser and it misfires again! For a brief moment everything is still. Then, Nemisis standing behind the faithful Diamonique, emits an involuntary grunt. He looks down to see a smoking hole in the crotch of his pants. Push in to Nemisis from the waist down. A small lump under the fabric travels down the length of his pants leg. Pull back to include full length shot. His eyes roll back in his head and he falls flat on his back. Neeko : Good grief, I’ve shot him in the gentiles. Nemisis : ( still flat on his back ) That’s genitals, you moron. ( then holding up the joystick toward Diamonique ) Blast them. Diamonique doesn’t respond. In fact he is motionless. Pull back to reveal that Neeko got them both with one shot! The hole in Diamonique’s forehead now goes all the way through and out the back of his head. A wisp of smoke rises from the cavity. His eyes are crossed and looking up toward the hole in his forehead. They glaze over and he too falls flat on his back. Landing hard, his head bangs into Nemisis’s crotch, furthering the arch villain’s agony. Nemisis’s eyes bulge, he groans and then passes out. Asia : ( embracing Neeko ) My hero! EXT, sky/somewhere over USA, dawn. Air Force One is flying through the dawn sky. It comes upon the hovering Star of Tazmar. INT, Air Force One, daytime. A.F. 1 Co-pilot : What in Sam Hill is that thing? A.F. 1 Pilot : Looks like some kind of alien space craft! Wake the president! CUT BACK TO: Nemisis’s complex. Three N.A.T.O. helicopters descend down the shaft into the complex. At the same time troops are repelling down to the hangar floor from above. V.O. Helicopter P.A. : This is the commander of the allied NATO forces. Throw down your weapons and put your hands behind your heads. Nemisis’s men begin to surrender. CUT TO: Nemisis’s office. Asia : C’mon, let’s get down there and help mop up. Neeko : What about The Star of Tazmar? Asia : Don’t worry. Wherever it is, it’s harmless with Nemisis disabled. Neeko : Then what are we waiting for? But, as they leave the office, Neeko unwittingly bumps a switch on Nemisis’s desk. CUT BACK TO: The Star of Tazmar. As Air Force One passes, a warning indicator sounds; beep, beep, beep. The laser cannon rises from within the flying wing and blasts Air Force One into oblivion. As the smoke clears, a half dozen parachutes float earthward. President : That does it! I quit! BACK TO: Nemisis’s complex. As Neeko and Asia reach the hanger floor, Hoo and Ludwig touch down in the flying Gremlin. Another helicopter lands carrying Wayneright and Ms. Tittle. Lord Wayneright : Well done, you two. Hoo : ( running up and embracing them ) Man, I thought you two were goners. I was getting real tired of losing partners. Enter the shrunken Patel. He opens the door on the Gremlin and jumps in. In his shrunken state he can barely see over the dash. Professor Ludwig : He’s stealing the Gremlin! Somebody stop him! Neeko : I got this one. Neeko pulls out his keychain/remote, takes aim and presses a button. The Gremlin’s ejection seat goes off and slams Patel’s head through the roof of the car, up to his shoulders, smashing Bob-Bali’s stolen turban in the process. Everyone laughs. Lord Wayneright : Good show, Lieutenant. Asia hugs Neeko. The others slap him on the back and congratulate him as the camera shot pulls back. NATO is rounding up the last of Nemisis’s men from the burning hangar. EXT, town square outside Linguine’s Venice apartment, daytime. A stage has been constructed for a pending ceremony. A crowd is gathering. Pan the crowd. Diamonique is once again playing the role of hot dog vender. In addition to his forehead mounted mustard dispensor, he now has a matching ketcup dispensor mounted to an attachment on the back of his head via the new hole that Neeko made with the laser gun. He expertly lays down a line of ketchup on a weiner and hands it to a patron. Pan to cannon. The real Linguine is still trapped inside the cannon. Suddenly a rolled up message in a bottle ( the organ grinder’s discarded wine bottle ) flies out of the cannon. Unfortunately, it lands in the nearby fountain and bobs up and down unnoticed. A pigeon flutters down and perches on the rim of the cannon barrel. Linguine : Neeko is that you my little, slant eyed friend?....I forgive you.... After all, mistakes happen. Neeko?.....Neeko, get me out of here or I will kill you!!! The pigeon poops in the cannon and flies off. The ceremonial participants are gathering on the stage. Wayneright, Ludwig, Tittle and a number of dignitaries. There are two medals on a table. Also on the table are three blue diamonds atop display bases; The Star of Tazmar ( agents Stacy and Bonner are standing directly behind it, they are beaming ), The Alpine Azure ( Jon Johnson of Lloyd’s of London stands behind it, beaming ), and finally, the now miniature, Stone of the Blue Krishna. It was inside the Blue Krishna wing when it was shrunken by Neeko. The display base’s inscription reads; The Stone of the Blue Krishna, Largest Blue Diamond In The World. The second part of the inscription ( largest blue diamond in the world ) has been lined through. Prince Bob-Bali stands behind his shrunken diamond, wearing his smashed turban. He doesn’t look too happy.The drag queen Lola is in the audience, along with her faithful Doberman, K-9. Enter Neeko and Asia. The crowd erupts in cheers. K-9 sees Neeko and makes a bee line for him and humps his leg. Lord Wayneright : ( pinning a medal on Asia ) On behalf of The United Nations, NATO and Interpol, please accept these tokens...LIEUTENANT, PLEASE! Neeko : Sorry......mooncalf dog! Diamonique sees his chance and takes aim with a shrink ray gun. He fires at Neeko, but the erratic blue ray misses its mark and hits K-9 instead. The now miniature Doberman continues humping Neeko’s leg undeterred, yipping in a puppy voice. Lord Wayneright : ( shaking their hands ) Agent Asia, Lieutenant Linguine, a job well done. There’s just one last thing; the diamonds. Neeko : Diamonds? Lord Wayneright : Yes, the cache of rare blue diamonds entrusted to your safe keeping at the start of this mission. You do have them, don’t you? At that moment a military color guard fires the square cannon in salute to our heroes. The real Alfredo Linguine soars overhead, showering the crowd and stage with hundreds of blue diamonds. Linguine : NEEKO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O! The End Music Up: Secret Agent Man/by Johnny Rivers.
Go to part: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Copyright © 1999 Tony Mossor |