Storymania - Secret Asian Man by Tony Mossor

Secret Asian Man (3)
Tony Mossor

Asia :
I’ve got to get one of these for the mall.

As the car finally comes to rest, well out of it’s parking space, the lady bails out and runs off screaming as if her vehicle were possessed. Neeko is about to ease into the empty spot, when another car comes screeching around the row of parked cars and zips into their space. Neeko and Asia’s mouths drop open. The other driver jumps out, grins a cocky grin and runs into the terminal.

Asia :
You’ve got to be kidding.

Neeko :
Idiot, crazy driver!

Neeko pounds his fist on the console. A light comes on. A small trap door opens in the Gremlin’s hood and a metal tube rises atop a retractable, mechanical arm. Neeko and
Asia watch in awe as the metal tube tilts forward. A shiny metal sphere, about the size of a softball, rolls out of the tube. It bounces on the pavement and rolls under the parked car.

Gremlin’s Computer / V.O. :
T-minus five seconds to obliteration, four, three, two,
one, sah-YOH-nah-rah sucker!

KABOOM! The car disappears in a thundering cloud of smoke! As debris showers down, Neeko and Asia look at each other, shrug and then pull into the now vacant parking space.

Asia :
Wow, talk about road rage. ( as they exit
the car ) If we hurry, we can just make our flight.

As they rush toward the terminal, they hear sirens and see a big commotion outside the
airport gates; more police along with fire trucks arriving to extinguish the police car.
Neeko :
I wonder what that allr about?

Asia :
( pointing toward the tarmac )
Look, it’s American Air Force One.

The presidential jet is parked idle on the ramp, surrounded by U.S. Air Force personnel.

Neeko :
What it doing here?

Asia :
Don’t you know? The prime minister asked the president
to a special summit concerning the stolen diamonds.

Neeko :
Wow, this realry is big.

Asia :
Wait, you did lock the car, didn’t you?

Neeko :
No, I no rock that granny ride Gremrin. I hoping maybe
somebody steal that aruminum can hoopti-ride.

Asia :
That’s not funny. Intelligence poured a lot of money and man
hours into that car. Every foreign power in the world would
love to get their hands on it. We’ve got to go back and lock it.

Neeko :
There’s no time, remember? Beside, not to worry.

Neeko dangles the key chain remote in front of Asia. Then, as they enter the terminal
doors, he shows off by pointing the remote behind his back in the direction of the Gremlin. Without looking, he clicks a button on the remote. It beeps once, in response. Neeko
and Asia enter the terminal.

Pan back to the Gremlin.

The right headlight flips down and a missile fires. It soars across the parking lot, an open field and finally across the tarmac destroying Air Force One in a tremendous plume of fire and black smoke. Military and secret service personnel dive for cover!

INT, a commercial jetliner, daytime.

Neeko and Asia scurry through the boarding door just as the stewardess is closing it.

Asia :
Wait, wait for us! Thank you.

The plane taxis as Neeko and Asia look for their seats.

Asia :
Excuse us. Excuse us please.

They find their seats about midway in the plane, but are separated by another passenger. A grandmotherly, little, old lady is in the middle seat. Neeko starts to step across her to the window seat.

Little Old Lady :
Watch it, buster!

Asia :
Maybe I’d better take the window seat. Excuse me, please.

Little Old Lady :
Of course, dear.

Asia :
Whew, I didn’t think we would make it.

Neeko :
( taking the aisle seat with obvious contempt for
the old lady ) Yes, finalree we can rerax.

Pan to the last row of seats.

Only one passenger is seated there, Diamonique! He is now wearing an oval, blue
diamond fitted into the chrome socket embedded in his forehead. He is eating airplane
p-nuts with one hand and holding a ray gun with the other. Silently, he watches. As the plane takes off, Neeko reaches over the old lady and Asia to put up the window shade.

Little Old Lady :
Hey watch it!
What are you trying to do, cop a feel?!

Through the window, they see Air Force One in flames, surrounded by fire trucks and
police cars and military vehicles.
Asia :
What on earth?

Neeko :
( indifferent ) Busy day for fire trucks.

EXT, Heathrow airport/aerial view, daytime.

Their jumbo jet is taking off. There are three rising columns of smoke; A.F. One,
the car in the parking lot and the police car outside the gates. Each is surrounded by
firemen and police.

INT, the jetliner, daytime.

Stewardess #1 is pushing a drink cart down the aisle. Both Neeko and Asia are asleep and
slumped over against the little old lady, one on each side. She looks pretty uncomfortable.

Stewardess #1 :
Pardon me sir.......sir.

Little Old Lady :
( jabbing Neeko in the ribs ) Wake up buster!

Neeko wakes with a start. Asia also comes to.

Stewardess #1 :
Would you care for refreshments, p-nuts, something to drink?

Neeko :
P-nuts prease, and Coca Colra.

Stewardess #1 :
And for your mother?

Neeko :
What?! This old, Granny Yokum rady not my mother!

Little OLd Lady :
( poking Neeko in the ribs again ) Show some respect for
your mother, sonny. I can speak for myself.
( smiling to the stewardess ) I’ll have a straight Scotch.

Stewardess #1 :
Very good ma’am. Of course only the soft drinks are complimentary.
Little Old Lady :
No problem, my son is paying for everything.
Make mine a double.

Neeko frowns at the old lady. She grins back widely as Neeko hands the stewardess
a British note.
Stewardess #1:
( re: Asia ) And for the lady?

Asia :
Nothing for me, thanks.

The stewardess prepares the old lady’s drink and places it on her tray. Diamonique takes aim at the back of Neeko’s head. The stewardess hands Neeko his drink and Diamonique
fires. The ray gun shoots an erratic, crackling, blue, electric charge. It is very inaccurate and misses its mark. It hits Neeko’s coke, shrinking it to the size of a thimble. Neeko is startled by its size as he lifts it to his lips. He drinks the minute portion, nearly gagging on the small amount. The stewardess hands the old lady and Neeko a bag of p-nuts. Neeko opens his just as Diamonique fires another wandering, blue ray. It hits Neeko’s p-nuts
and shrinks the bag. Neeko looks at them, then the stewardess.

Neeko :
They don’t make them as big as they used to.

The old lady is engrossed with her drink. Neeko eyes the p-nuts on her tray.

Little Old Lady :
Don’t even think about it, buster!

The stewardess is serving the passengers on the opposite side of the aisle. Neeko tugs
on her skirt.

Neeko :
Excruse me prease. May I have a Coca Colra?

Stewardess #1 :
I just gave you a Coke.

Neeko :
Yes, I know, but I am terribree parched.

Stewardess #1 :
I’m sorry sir, only one complimentary beverage per passenger.

Man :
Save some for the rest of us.

Neeko :
( pulling out his wallet ) I’ll pay.....here.
( he holds up another British note )

Diamonique fires another erratic, blue ray. This one shrinks the bill as it changes hands
from Neeko to the stewardess. The stewardess looks at the bill, then at Neeko.

Stewardess #1 :
What’s the big idea?

Neeko :
Infration?

Little Old Lady :
Buy me another drink too, son.
Oh, what the heck, might as well save this
young lady from making another trip.
( takes a handful of mini bottles from the cart )

Neeko reaches for a Coke, but the stewardess pushes the cart away and proceeds down the aisle.

EXT, Swiss airport/aerial view, daytime.

Their jet is landing.

EXT, Swiss airport daytime.

The plane taxis up to the terminal.

CUT TO: passengers deplaning.

Stewardess #2 :
( as the passengers file out ) B-bye, good-bye, b-bye.

Neeko appears at the fuselage door.

Stewardess #2 :
Hope you enjoyed your flight, sir.

Neeko :
It was a rittle on the dry side.

Neeko is followed by the little old lady. She is drunk, holding onto his shirt tail and jabbing him in the ribs.

Little Old Lady :
C’mon, move it buster!

Asia is next to emerge. She is followed by Stewardess #1 who has been shrunken to half
her former size.

Stewardess #1 :
( in munchkin voice ) B-bye, good-bye, b-bye.

INT, Swiss airport/baggage claim, daytime.

As they approach a car rental counter, Neeko dislodges the little old lady from his
shirt tail and places her face down on a moving baggage carrousel. He steps up to the
rental counter.

Neeko :
We would rike to rent a car.

The clerk looks side to side as if to ensure nobody will overhear.

Rental Clerk :
Lieutenant Linguine?

Neeko :
..Yes....I am Agent Rieutenant Arfredo Ruigi Ringuine.

Rental Clerk :
( leaning forward ) Hickory, dickory, dock.

Neeko :
....excruse me.

Rental Clerk :
Hickory, dickory, ( again looking side to side ) ...dock.

Neeko stares back with blank expression.

Rental Clerk :
Didn’t you get your orders?

Neeko :
Yes, of course. Why everyone so obsessed with orders?
Rental Clerk :
Okay then, hickory, dickory, dock!

Asia leans forward and whispers in Neeko’s ear. His eyes light up.

Neeko :
The mouse ran up the........

Once more, Asia whispers in his ear.
Neeko :
CROCK!

The rental clerk cringes at the unwanted attention as everyone in earshot turns to see
what Neeko is yelling about.

Rental Clerk :
Crock?

Neeko :
Yes, crock.

Rental Clerk :
The mouse ran up the crock?...Very good sir...follow me.

The clerk steps around the counter and leads them outside, through glass doors.

Rental Clerk :
We can’t be too careful you know, not when dealing
with secret equipment of these advanced technological
capabilities. ( dangling keys in front of Neeko )

Neeko :
There is something very familiar about these keys.

Rental Clerk :
( dropping the keys into Neeko’s hand and beckoning toward the
curb with a sweeping motion of his arm ) Your chariot awaits.

It is the infamous Gremlin!

Neeko :
No, there must be some mista...
( he turns to plead his case, but the clerk has vanished )

Asia :
( taking Neeko by the arm )
Come, we must not tarry.

They open the Gremlin doors and climb in.

Neeko :
I don’t berieve it. I thought we were
rid of this remon Gremrin.

Grudgingly, Neeko starts the car and releases what he thinks is the parking brake. When he does, an alarm sounds and the car morphs into a flying machine! The dash flips over to reveal aircraft gauges and dials. The steering wheel retracts, disappearing into the dash and an aircraft joystick rised between Neeko’s legs. His eyes widen. The Gremlin sprouts wings and a tail fin from within hidden panels. Finally, the four wheels retract and the vehicle is left hovering just inches above the pavement.

Asia :
How fantastic! I knew you would be anxious
to test the jet propulsion capabilities.

Neeko :
Jet?

Asia :
Mach II you know.

Neeko :
Mach ?

Asia :
Go ahead, throttle up.

Tentatively, Neeko places his hand on the vibrating jet throttle. Asia sees the concerned
look on his face.
Asia :
You do have your pilot’s license?

Neeko :
Pirot’s ricense?........

BOOM! The afterburner ignites, shooting a flaming tail out the back of the Gremlin and
they take off like a shot!

Neeko :
.....I don’t even have a driver’s ricense!

Neeko and Asia :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Asia tries to reach the controls but the overwhelming G-forces pin her against her seat.

INT, Control tower, daytime.
Air Traffic Controllers’ POV, they see the Gremlin approaching.

Controller #1 :
Hey, what’s that?

Controller #2 :
Looks like a ‘71 AMC Gremlin.

Controller #1 :
Are you sure?!

Controller #2 :
I don’t know, could be a ‘72.

CUT BACK TO: INT, the Gremlin.

Controller #1/V.O. radio :
This is the tower to the unidentified aircraft
on approach. Pull up, idiot! Pull up!

CUT BACK TO: INT, the tower.
Controllers P.O.V of the Gremlin approaching. The controllers dive under desks and consoles as the Gremlin buzzes the tower!

Neeko, Asia and all controllers :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

EXT, large Royal Air Force passenger jet/aerial view, daytime.
INT, the R.A.F. jet, daytime.

Inside the well appointed aircraft, the British Prime Minister is in conference with the
President of the U.S. They are surrounded by aides.

Prime Minister :
Mr. President, let me reiterate my apologies for this
unfortunate turn of events and extend the use of my
personal jet until your Air Force One can be replaced.
Furthermore, let me assure you that everything
possible is being done to apprehend the culprits
responsible for this violent act of destruction and terror.

EXT, R.A.F. jet/aerial view, daytime.

Approaching at Mach II, the Gremlin enters the frame, headed straight for the large jet!

Asia :
Look out!

Asia grabs the joy stick. Neeko snatches it back and inadvertently pulls the trigger, sending a salvo of six rockets into the jumbo jet. The jet explodes into flames. The president, prime minister, their aides and crew parachute softly through the sky. Neeko and Asia continue their struggle over the controls sending the winged Gremlin into barrel rolls and other aerial stunts.

CUT BACK TO: INT, the airborne Gremlin.
Asia finally wrestles the controls away from Neeko.

Neeko :
( as if by his choice ) Here, you drive awhile.

EXT, British military air base, daytime.

A Harrier Jump Jet, ( the only jet fighter in the world w/hovering capabilities ) is
scrambled to intercept them.

CUT BACK TO: the airborne Gremlin as the Harrier approaches.

Asia :
Uh-oh, we’ve got company.

Asia flips a switch marked Stealth Shield. Asia flips another switch marked Hover Mode. The Gremlin glides to a stop in thin air. She coasts it in behind a billowy, white cloud and hovers there in hiding. The Harrier stops and hovers on the far side and then slowly begins to circle the perimeter of the cloud. The Gremlin also starts to circle the cloud, thus staying just out of sight of the Harrier. A much bigger cloud drifts in and consumes the first cloud, the Harrier and the Gremlin.

Asia :
I can’t see a thing.

Neeko :
Crazy croud. I crime out and take a rook.
Asia :
No! It’s too dangerous!

Neeko :
Dear girlr, danger is my business.

Neeko puts down his power window. There is the loud roar of a jet engine nearby.

Neeko:
I hear him, but I can’t see him. ( climbing out the
window ) I’ll get up on the roof and take better rook.

Asia :
Wait!

Too late, Neeko scampers onto the roof and stands up. The unseen Harrier is hovering
directly over the Gremlin and Neeko bangs his head on the belly of the jet with a
CLANG! They can barely be seen through the dense cloud.

Neeko :
Ow!

Asia :
What?

Neeko :
( clutching the Harrier landing gear ) I think I found him.
( The Harrier lifts off with Neeko. ) OOOOOOOH!

Asia :
Lieutenant!

Neeko :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Asia :
Hang on Lieutenant, I’m coming!

Asia takes chase and Neeko cleaves to the landing gear as they do loops and rolls. They descend to tree top level and Neeko pulls his legs up under him to avoid snagging a branch. Pine needles and clippings fly in all directions. Finally, they rocket back skyward.
Steadfast, Neeko holds on, his face distorted by wind and G-force.

Asia :
Hang on Lieutenant! I’ve got you.....I think.
Neeko :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Asia depresses a button and the Gremlin’s flip top roof opens. Deftly, she maneuvers under the Harrier.

Asia :
Jump!!

Neeko :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Asia :
Jump Lieutenant, I’ll catch you!

Neeko :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The Harrier pulls away, but Asia matches its speed and manages to pull back under it.

Asia :
Jump Lieutenant!

Neeko :
I can’t!

Asia :
Just let go!

Neeko :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Asia :
Oh, very well.

Asia grasps a small black joystick on the console and presses a red button on the end of it. Immediately, a long, robotic arm extends upward from the back seat. She controls the arm by manipulating the joystick. It just does reach and she latches onto Neeko’s trousers.
She gives a tug, but Neeko’s grip is too tight. She yanks the joystick harder and pulls Neeko’s pants off!

Neeko and Asia :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The pants sail off and the Harrier pulls away with Neeko still attached.
Neeko :
Okay, Neeko. Okay, be a man. Just
ret go and Asia will catch you.

He closes his eyes and lets go but, Asia is no longer under him.

Neeko :
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Neeko plummets earthward, screaming! Finally, Asia swoops under him and he falls into the back seat with a thud!

Asia :
Lieutenant Linguine, are you all right?
( looking in the rear view mirror ) Speak to me!

Neeko :
( out of sight ) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Pull back to a wide shot of the gliding Gremlin.

Asia:
Don’t worry Lieutenant, we are almost there. Relax and
leave the flying to me.... leave everything to me.

EXT, The Grand National Bank of Switzerland, daytime.

The face of the building is now just a blown up, blackened hole. Yellow police tape surrounds the crime scene. Asia pilots the Gremlin to a perfect, vertical landing, descending straight down like a feather and gently coming to rest on the thick, manicured lawn. The jet engine throttles down. A bank official approaches them as they disembark.

Bank President ( Swiss accent ) :
Greetings, I am Ashley K. Mariweather, President
of the Grand National Bank of Switzerland.......

Neeko has donned Linguine’s trenchcoat to cover for his missing pants. He walks around to the driver’s side to join Asia and Mariweather.

Bank President :
......we have been expecting you.

Mariweather’s eyebrows raise in surprise, then narrow in concern as he sees Neeko’s naked legs hanging out from under the hem of his coat, adorned only by black shoes
and socks.
Neeko :
What a matter, you never have dress-down
fridays here at the bank?

Neeko leaves in a huff, out of frame in the direction of the bank building. Mariweather
watches in disbelief. Suddenly, Neeko’s pants fall from the sky draping over Mr.
Mariweather’s head and shoulders. Neeko re-enters the frame and retrieves his pants.

INT, Bank lobby, daytime.

There is a large assembly of officials gathered; uniformed police, detectives, and bank
officers. The lobby is in shambles. Rubble and money are scattered everywhere in the

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